AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

If he didn't want the responsibility of paying for kids, then he shouldn't have married a woman with 4 dependant children. They come as a package.

This is my definition of the ultimate cock lodger. Man gets a nice furnished house, all white goods supplied and sex on tap for £500 a month. Loves you so much he thinks it's fine you struggle in an old car while he has so much spare cash he can have anything. Any one who behaves so selfishly is taking the piss. I'm shocked you think it's ok

It is pretty gross isn't it.

I can't imagine being him in that situation and happy to let my partner struggle.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Of course you have less money than him at the end of the month - you have chosen to have children, and he hasn't!

He chose to marry a woman with four children.

Anne Elliot

They are married so it’s half his regardless of the will.

Op surely you realised this prior to today?

Has he ever been married? Why doesn’t he have children?

He has chosen to have children by marrying a woman with 4 children! If he considered them a burden as a pp put it then he shouldn’t have got married. You don’t get to walk into a family and just get the wife!

He didn’t choose to have children but he is a stepfather.

OP on the surface I would say that the most pressing issue is the money you get from your kids' dad...I haven't read the whole thread so I'm guessing it might have been addressed already, but is there any way you could get this increased via CSA?

That said, I think you should approach your DH about this imbalance for sure. You don't need to link it to the kids, just address the bills/mortgage. Tell him that you're struggling to make ends meet paying the amount you do, and could you re-adjust more proportionally based on your income?

My OH has children and while I wouldn't be happy if he directly asked me to support them (buying school uniforms, paying for school activities etc) as that is their parents' job, I would be more than happy to re-adjust our respective contributions to the bills and household based on our incomes if that would help him out. I wouldn't expect him to pay more if he earned less.

The fact is, he doesn't have to, but by marrying you, you would think he would want to because he loves you? You are a married couple who should share costs of your marital home and the children who live in it, particularly when you are being left with such a huge difference of income at the end of each month. Even without the children I would think that was unfair. Maybe ask him to contribute more to the household as opposed to the children if he feels more comfortable with that. My DP (now fiancé and soon to be dad to our first) has always contributed 70% of monthly costs since we began living together as he earns nearly double what I do. This meant I could still save, treat him to things and feel on a more even keel at the end of the month.

I’ve not read the full thread but what strikes me is- why does he get to move in with you knowing you’re a family unit with however many bedrooms you need, save money and you pay 2/3 mortgage! He is saving money on accommodation and knows what he’s getting into and still doesn’t pay half of the mortgage.

You really need to get that sorted regardless of anything else

Can I ask what other people have done for wills if they have remarried and children are involved?

You got MARRIED without agreeing all this first? Are you out of your mind?
I'm actually gobsmacked

I'm shocked too. I actually think it's irresponsible that the OP didn't sort this out beforehand.

I think he should pay half the mortgage and bills for the house but no other child related costs. I think the fact the OP doesn't have spare money about is because she chose to have four kids with her useless Ex-husband. Basically you are thinking to ask your husband to pay more for your kids than their own father does. That's sounds wrong. I think they are you and your ex's responsibility.

If the new husband wants to do things like wat out or have holidays that the OP can't easily afford then he could pay for them.

OP what happened before marriage? Did you live together then?

Who suggested that he pays boards for his bits and you pay everything else??

I have 2 DC who live with me 50% of the time. Also newly married to DH #2. He earns slightly more than me, both high-ish earners. Prior to marrying I supported myself and DC for several years on my income so when DH moved in [we split housing costs 50/50 (mortgage & bills)] I felt immediately better off.

I buy food the weeks DC are here, DH buys food the other weeks. I pay all DC costs for school, birthday, Xmas etc. DH often pays for holidays and most meals out. At the mo I think it's fair that I pay for my DC but if we have kids together then I would expect us to pool finances completely.

DH moved into my house but he bought in and owns half as a tennant in common. This means we can each will our half of the house as we see fit. If I die, my half goes to my DC.

If you're married, it doesn't matter what the Deeds or mortgage say, the house belongs to both of you. If you were to divorce and he was a greedy sponging bastard he'd take you for 50%, or try to.

Presumably, he'd have married you even if he'd known in advance that he'd be expected to pay half of everything, including the children?

How about you divorce him now, while the marriage is of such short duration that he wouldn't get anything, and then remarry him after you've had the finances talk?

Among other things, (including paying his own fucking way, he should buy his own house and rent it out. Your house should belong to your children upon your death with no right of abode for him. This is what a decent man would do. He can well afford it.

Here's what it comes down to for me: Your DH is wanting to buy something expensive and frivolous, while you can barely afford the basics. No normal partner would be happy swanning around in a fancy car while his/her partner is struggling to meet basic bills.

Having said that, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Does he have children from a previous marriage? Or has he even been married before? I think it's not unusual for people in their first real serious long term relationship with real expenses and dependents (I'm not talking about living with someone in some dodgy flat in your 20s when you're both skint) is a bit of a shock and it can be difficult to get your head around joint finances. I know couples who took years, even after getting married, before they properly felt like they were and could share finances. I also know couples who have never really got there. Which I find bizarre.

I think you should talk to him. At the VERY least, he should be paying half the mortgage as half the house will be his in the case of your death or divorce. The fact that YOUR children are living there is irrelevant. Your children get your half if you. If you are splitting the mortgage 25% to 75% then, if you divorce or die, he should only get 25% of the equity.

The house is not automatically 50% his just because you have married him - unless you have put it in joint names? It's your house, in your name, and you have kids. He could claim 50% of it in a divorce but he'd be extremely unlikely to get it. However IANAL so you might want to get proper legal advice on this.

My DH and I jointly own our house but I own a larger share of it than he does as I paid for it. We own it as tenants in common rather than joint tenants.

This is interesting to read.

I live with my DP and he is step son to my DS.

When we moved in we split the bills and food 50/50 despite my having a wifi, electric and food guzzling teen. I pay all the car costs and vet bills (both car and dog were mine, DP now refers to both as ours) I am on a very low wage as DS has sen and this limits my work options, and moving in I lost my working tax credits (still get some child tax credits due to DS's disability) and housing benefit, both of which were a big help.

DP got a better paying job recently and my child tax credits went down. If he carries on also doing lots of overtime like he is at the minute they will go down even further, his gain being my loss.

I too like the op haven't known how to broach it. I'm used to sorting finances myself and hate the idea of having to ask him to step up more with his new job affecting the child tax credits. I'm also perhaps needing to reassess my expectations due to a lifetime of them being low. (Also have a background of waster men with ex and dad).

We rent and moved into a new bigger house together as DP felt neither of our old houses were big enough, so more rent to pay, no single person council tax discount, costs more to heat, etc.

He too now has much more disposable income than me, though not to the extent of the OP's situation. I am now on an extremely tight purse string and worrying about money while he is happily buying takeaways and heading down the pub etc.

OP I have no clear cut advise except to broach it with him and ask for more of a monthly contribution. He must see you are left with very little whilst he is left with lots? I'd approach it from the angle of does he knowingly leave you to struggle and would he care and provide if you were seriously ill? Oh and having a mortgage on your own place I'd get some legal advice and perhaps review wills and things.

What have you set up for say, you die suddenly, while 2 of your children are doing post-grad and still living at home, whose whole finances and ability to continue doing their post-grads are oredicated upon living at home, supported by you? What legally can happen then? What if they need to continue like that for another 2 years or so, but your dh wants to sell up and buy himself a little house far far away? And isn't willing to fund them even a little?

YourHand please do broach it with your husband. This is extremely unfair to you.

Sorry, DP.

You are 500 quid better off a month than you were. I think you're being greedy.

I think he should be contributing. I’m on the other side of your arrangement, I owned my house, DP (now DH) moves in. We split everything according to earnings. I earn more so pay more so pay 60%. Then we had a DD, still split according to earnings. Then his DS moved in ages 16 whose mother gave us sod all. Still split everything 60:49. We are a family, that’s how it works.

Hmm. I think childcare he shouldn't pay for but everything else should be 50/50. I say that as someone with a resident step parent who pays half of everything