AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

im not asking as it very nosey but I am wondering the reason that OP's DH hasn't got kids. If he didn't want the responsibility of having his own kids (financial or otherwise) then why should he pay for children that arent his.? especially 4 of them that's such a lot extra to be shelling out.
I think OP if you have 4 kids then you should pay everything for them as it was you that had 4. However, I do think as he will be entitled to half the house then he should pay 50% of the housing costs.

Not rtft so sorry if someone already asked this - but if you’re paying the majority of the mortgage do you have that in writing? So if it doesn’t work out he doesn’t try and claim half the house when he didn’t pay for half?

I live in a cheap housing area so mortgage is only £800. House is worth 200k ish. My life insurance for kids is worth far more.

Good point about his income being taken into account.

And yes I've done it again and idiotically ended up supporting a man.

How long have you been together?

Im of the possibly somewhat outdated view that in a marriage what's yours is his and what's his is yours. Why does he need more money that you? It all seems quite petty to me!! Surely it all goes into the same pot?

There is a lot of focus on the husband here but can I please ask WTAF is up with the father of your children paying £25 a month maintenance for each of your children?
While I think you should be asking for more from Dh if the finances arent fair (after all he will be benefitting by getting a proportion of your house through marriage), some of your annoyance should be directed to the useless sack of crap ex who should actually be providing for your kids

Clockworkteacup as long as he is happy to take over your mortgage and inherit in front of your children he should be contributing surely?!

Well Op, your low self esteem may have found you in a similar place to last time, but this time will be different, because this time you will do something about it.

It may have the same beginning, but at least this time around you have spotted it and it can have a different ending at least.

I hope you keep us updated with his views once you have discussed this with him. Be prepared for a negative kick back but stay firm.

Otherwise what are your kids getting from this situation other than shafted as their money currently has less money for them?

I think OP's DH is a bit of a cocklodger, he must know he has hit the jackpot.

I'm a bit on the fence as to whether a step-parent should pay for their step-kids. I think a poster who said he will also benefit from family life has a good point.

When those kids grow up, graduate from uni, get jobs, have marriages, give him and OP grandkids, well he would have contributed to none of that but he will still expect to enjoy Christmas with them and still enjoy the grandkids, won't he?

I think there's a balance to be found with SP making worthwhile financial and physical contribution to raising the kids but not being expected to be pay for everything. At the moment OP and her DH haven't found that balance, it's too much in his favour. His expenditure has reduced by 50% since moving in with OP and he has rights to the house, but OP hasn't seen a similar saving. Marriage should benefit both parties.

*their mother

IDontEatFriedTurtle He is entitled to half the house anyway. The other half will go to her children. The problem is, that he isn't paying enough for the house (and other things besides)

Ask him to pay for 50% of your mortgage, 50% of council tax, and then a proportional amount of bills and food.

No matter what your will states, he could divorce you and stake his claim on your home. So he needs to contribute fairly.

You are not asking him to pay for your children, you are asking him to pay his fair share in to the family home.

It's pretty shit that he is happy to watch you counting pennies whilst he has 2.5k spare every month.

well your married, he chose to take on the kids as his own so he should pay for them to.

my df isn't in the same country but if I needed something for my children hed send me the money with out questioning it.

If I die he gets to remain in the house until his death but it will pass to my children.

Do not do this. Seriously, go and talk to about your options with a lawyer. My mum remarried about 5 years before she died. He was bankrupt and homeless before they met and he treated her abysmally. When she died he fully inherited the flat they shared and he got a life interest in the annexe on our family Home which my Mum rented out (oh and a lump sum and 50% of her pension). Selling the house with the annexe in place was an utter nightmare, he refused to come to an arrangement to sell both together and, no surprise, has been an absolute nightmare to deal with.

He says he’d happily let your kids stay - he may change his tune when you’re gone. Do not put them in this position.

If he wants equal rights to the property, he needs to stump up 50% of the equity and pay the mortgage 50/50, or buy somewhere new where the ownership ratio reflects the equity you’re putting in.

IDontEatFriedTurtle He is entitled to half the house anyway

Only because she married him which is why she is also not getting tax credits (because it is normally assumed that means you are a family and should share everything.)

I think you need a frank discussion. I asked earlier in the thread what if you couldn’t work and you say you don’t think he would support the family. What would he do then? Divorce? Didn’t your vows include in sickness and in health and all your worldly goods ...?

Your children are young-ish and will be dependants for some time still. Anything could happen eg
Illness, redundancy, child issues where you can’t work. What are your retirement plans? Maybe you will want to/need to go part-time? What if you need to downsize? Good point re his income being taken into account when your dc are in university. What are your joint plans for putting four children through university? It sounds like you are carrying everything and he is along for the ride. Fine when everything is ticking along nicely but we all get older and things change.

You have planned for death but not life it seems (not sure how sensible your will is btw.) In ten years time what will life be like for you as a family?

"Would he care for me if I couldn't work. No I don't think he would."

If this is true you need to start making changes now.

I have no idea why you married him - did the idea come from him? Because it is of absolutely no benefit to you or your children. in fact your children are now in a worse-off position because one of your assets - their home - is now promised to someone else for potentially a significant amount of time.

To start with I would change my will if I were you. If you want to leave him a lump sum, fair enough. I don't understand why you would leave ANY amount of money away from 4 dependent children though. Your first duty is to them. They have a crap father and now they have a step father who feels no responsibility for them (or his wife it seems) but will be taking their home for his lifetime and a lump sum that would otherwise be theirs. Honestly you owe them more than this while they are still minors and not adults.

Who is their guardian in the event of their death? You know deep down that it is highly unlikely that he would take on rearing 4 children if you die so that means the guardian will have to move them out of their home so your husband can live there.

No one should marry anyone unless you can have a frank discussion about money with that person. Money is one of the most important issues in marriage.

This is difficult and I do kind of think you’re being unreasonable to ask him to pay for your children when they aren’t his children BUT you are now married so surely your finances should be kind of pooled and what’s yours is his and vice versa.
I have two children from a previous marriage and am now pregnant with my third and my now dh’s first - he has never quibbled costs of things, our finance are shared, I am going to be going on maternity for 9 months and I’m lucky that we can afford to be off; we’ll be dipping into joint savings and living off dh’s salary while I’m off and obviously my two children will also need food, clothes, etc etc and this will be coming from my dh’s income. My ex doesn’t pay a penny for his children but my current dh doesn’t have issues with sharing the costs of these two with me as we all came as a package. If we didn’t share our money I wouldn’t be having another child with him as it just wouldn’t work, how could it work?!!

If your house is worth 200k and you pay £800 per month you must owe quite a lot on it still.

You do realise that he knows he’s entitled to half that house because you are married?

Half of the mortgage is £400 alone. Then there all the utility bills not to mention food costs.

Please mention this to him

No it’s not her kids he needs to pay for necessarily.

If he was paying half of the bills and food costs the op would be much better off!

I wouldn't want to pay half the cost of 4 kids that arent mine.... because they have a useless mum

For clarity.

I meant I as the stepmother, would not want to pay for 4 kids that aren't mine if their mum was useless...as the OPs Ex is by not contributing.

Not that the OP us a useless mum...far from it.

This is my definition of the ultimate cock lodger. Man gets a nice furnished house, all white goods supplied and sex on tap for £500 a month. Loves you so much he thinks it's fine you struggle in an old car while he has so much spare cash he can have anything. Any one who behaves so selfishly is taking the piss. I'm shocked you think it's ok.
When I got divorced 3 men asked me to marry them over a period of 10 years. I said no precisely because I would have ended up like this.
Your dh is laughing all the way to the bank. Sorry to be mean but really this is disgusting and financially abusive.
So many men want to move in when they meet a divorced woman with a house. I was warned during my divorce this would happen. I didn't believe the women that told me how men behaved, but it turned out to be true.
I hope he sees how mean he is and changes.

He should definitely pay half the mortgage. Unless you get 2/3of the equity of you guys split up or decide to downsize? He can't have it both ways.