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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My best friend is uncomfortable around me aibu?

137 replies

loopy7758 · 02/09/2018 18:28

So I'm naturally a happy bubbly woman.
I've been friends with her for 29 years.
Two weeks ago we went to New York for a few days.
We were on the plane and she mentioned she was going to treat herself to a Tiffany bracelet.
So without thinking I touched her arm and said "ooooooh" as in ooooh very nice.
Then she said stop touching ..your so touchy feely,I don't even cuddle my kids.
I said sorry I didn't even think about it..as me and my other best friend link each other,give cuddles saying goodbye etc.
Then I said ..i don't even realise I do it and she replied "yeah you love touching the women"

Bare in mind I'm totally straight ...
I'm sat here thinking hope she doesn't think I fancy her.

OP posts:
deepsea · 03/09/2018 12:21

There is much more to this.
She has either told you before and you haven’t registered or she had been happy in the past to be touched (for 29 years) and now isn’t.
After I was raped I couldn’t bear for anyone to touch me, I am not suggesting this has happened but there might be a good reason. You need to have a straight talking discussion as your friendship will suffer without you both understanding the other one fully.

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 12:27

Deepsea
All her comments to op centre round her view that op is now a lesbian.
Doesnt take a genius to work.out what she is meaning.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 12:31

Willow it doesn’t matter why she doesn’t want the OP to touch her. She doesn’t.

And if she really does think the OP is gay she can’t have that much of a problem with it. They went to NY together and given the price of hotel rooms there, mostly likely shared a room.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/09/2018 12:34

If I had a friend of this longstanding, who said such a thing with such a tone, I’d dedicate my life to freaking her out on purpose (with love). Maybe it’s just the way my friendship groups work, but if she’s somehow comfortable enough with you to be sooo rude, I’d feel more than entitled to a bit of fun at her expense.

Starting with when we’re standing at the NY hotel reception for book in. I’d be all cow eyes and innuendo about what I’m going to do with her once we get to ‘our’ room. Anytime she baulked at my natural propensity for touching people, I’d be all ‘ooooo the lady doth protest too much winky winky’.

She’s being ridiculous, not you. She could have discussed it properly if it’s really such an issue, preferably before agreeing to spend so much time linked up. Seriously, she doesn’t know and accept your quirks after 3 decades?? Sheeesh.

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 12:49

Nona
Again op has said she will not do it again.
If she had mentioned it before op would have done the same.

Its funny how she mentioned it the first time they were off alone for a holiday when its not bothered her before?
Why cant she just be honest and admit she is homophobic? Why is it ops fault she hasnt mentioned it before?
Why is she allowed to be snidey to op because she isnt rushing into some random males arms? Why does she judge people and jump to conclusions on thier relationship status?

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 12:59

Its funny how she mentioned it the first time they were off alone for a holiday when its not bothered her before?

We don’t know it hasn’t bothered her before. Perhaps it’s always annoyed her. Perhaps it’s a new isssue - there could be all sorts of reasons why.

Setting boundaries before spending a holiday alone sounds sensible to me.

Why cant she just be honest and admit she is homophobic?

You don’t really know that she is - it’s your assumption based on the little the OP has said. But even if she is homophobic, why would she be honest about it? It’s not a socially acceptable thing to admit.

Why is it ops fault she hasnt mentioned it before?

It’s not. I don’t believe anyone, even the friend has said that it is.

Why is she allowed to be snidey to op because she isnt rushing into some random males arms?

She isn’t. I don’t believe that anyone has said that her comments in that regard were ok.

Why does she judge people and jump to conclusions on thier relationship status?

I can’t possibly say, she’s a stranger and the OP has given very little information.

But we all judge people, even you Willow. Wink

CSIblonde · 03/09/2018 13:03

Spiderplants
You misunderstood. Being tactile doesn't trump being not so. If you read my next qualifying post, i said a snide put down like OP got isn't a polite explanation (which is what anyone would accept) so I'd feel aggrieved too.

Biologifemini · 03/09/2018 13:06

I work for a French company and I am now fed up of all the kissing.
The brits are more huggy.
Either way I don’t like lots of touching at all.
Of course I hug my kid but I think there is too much touching elsewhere.

bingbongnoise · 03/09/2018 13:11

@onetimeposter

Most lesbians I know never casually touch women. It just isn't done.

Are you actually serious?! Shock

I have never read such a crock!

@AnEPleaseBob

You OK? Confused

butlerswharf · 03/09/2018 13:24

I don't think this is a big issue. Some people just don't like to be touched. I have a couple of friends like this. Better for them to let you know so you can stop.

CaptainGT · 03/09/2018 18:00

I had a friend say something similar to me when we were in 6th form. It was because I had mentioned I was Bi-Sexual. Was really hurtful to have that kind of reaction and hard to manage. If I say Well dont worry honey It's not you I'm after then I hurt her feelings, other other option is to just be wary and it puts an uncomfortable spin on the relationship.

Have you ever mentioned anything about other women to her? She could be being homophobic, even if not justified.

Leapfrog44 · 04/09/2018 17:46

she's got issues!

user1483875094 · 04/09/2018 17:50

The saddest thing here is "I don't even cuddle my children" ... what an awfully sad wretched person she is? You have no worries, I would love you as a friend. But 29 years, and you've never noticed her cold behaviour before???

Poocalypso · 04/09/2018 17:52

Just Ask Her. Communicate, she is your friend. If she has issues with her personal space give her a chance to explain, and hug and kiss your other friends. Ignore the lesbian suggestion (so odd!). Unless you want another question to tackle.

spiderplantsalad · 04/09/2018 17:55

Thanks csi blonde, I missed your other post

ToftyAC · 04/09/2018 18:02

One of my mates doesn’t do tactile stuff, but she at least told me in a way that didn’t make things awkward and I was ok with that. You’ve been friends for the best part of 30 years ffs! She’s being proper off, not you. But like others have said, perhaps she was tired after travelling.

Lalala2018 · 04/09/2018 18:03

She may be a closeted lesbian and this is self hate. What a weirdo, avoid her from now on.

straightjeans · 04/09/2018 18:08

Doesn't cuddle her kids and snapping about about something so minimal. Get rid.

storminabuttercup · 04/09/2018 18:11

It’s very strange that she said this to you on the way to your holiday destination, how was she while you were there? Maybe it was a bad joke?

cactusplant · 04/09/2018 18:12

She is the one with the problem
Not you
She doesn't even cuddle her kids? Hmm

I'd leave her to it

Aspenfrost · 04/09/2018 18:13

Why be around someone at all if you have to walk on eggshells?

user1467536289 · 04/09/2018 18:15

I think it's sad - but for you, not for her. You can't mind every p and every q with someone if they are a close friend of 29 years. I would be feeling sad, as I am sure you are, about learning this after so much time, but I would also preserve who I am and if that means leaving a friendship that is disturbing me then so be it. Don't change, you are obviously popular for who you are - and that is not the person she wants to be friends with.

adayatthebeach · 04/09/2018 18:52

Start pointing out and noticing attractive men to her that should work. Or let her see you noticing them. That should work.

Jeepy · 04/09/2018 21:48

Oh dear, poor you. Some people can't stand to be touched, one girl at our yoga class practically bit the teacher's head off when she asked permission to move her arm. You probably need to have a proper conversation about it and apologise and didn't realise she didn't like it and explain as you have to us that you are happy and comfortable with it. I've noticed that some people with poor social skills over interpret touching and eye contact as sexual because they don't seem to understand the scale. Maybe she's nervous because she's worried about your sleeping arrangements in NY?!
Maybe the lady doth protest too much ;) Ha ha

SlartiAardvark · 04/09/2018 22:06

Not wanting to be touched doesn't make the woman homophobic FFS - some of you lot seem desperate to cast aspersions for no reason!!

But, if I were you OP, I'd be dropping her for a while - there was no need for her to react like that.

Stick with your other mates - she'll either come back or you'll be better off....

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