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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My best friend is uncomfortable around me aibu?

137 replies

loopy7758 · 02/09/2018 18:28

So I'm naturally a happy bubbly woman.
I've been friends with her for 29 years.
Two weeks ago we went to New York for a few days.
We were on the plane and she mentioned she was going to treat herself to a Tiffany bracelet.
So without thinking I touched her arm and said "ooooooh" as in ooooh very nice.
Then she said stop touching ..your so touchy feely,I don't even cuddle my kids.
I said sorry I didn't even think about it..as me and my other best friend link each other,give cuddles saying goodbye etc.
Then I said ..i don't even realise I do it and she replied "yeah you love touching the women"

Bare in mind I'm totally straight ...
I'm sat here thinking hope she doesn't think I fancy her.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 03/09/2018 01:00

You have been friends for 29 years! surely she knows you by now!

If I were you I'd be having a serious conversation with her saying that I'm very hurt by her insinuation.
You understand that she doesn't like to be touched and now you know you will be careful in future but that there were far better and nicer ways to express that rather than the hurtful way she did.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/09/2018 01:06

Alternative view: 29 years, for the sake of the friendship, she's tolerated being touched rather more than she's comfortable with, and she finally snapped. I'm pretty non-tactile, and do find it uncomfortable when even close friends touch me unexpectedly.

Jenwiththecurls · 03/09/2018 01:11

Ahh, don’t take it personally, she probably just felt awkward about saying it and it came out wrong.

I have a friend who is very tactile and smiley and I love her but find her a bit intense. I don’t like being touched either. I know it’s just different styles and it would hurt her to say anything so I don’t. It’s not going to ruin our friendship, I’d just rather she didn’t!

Can you talk to her about it? She might be grateful you brought the subject up.

CommanderDaisy · 03/09/2018 06:06

Putting her comment aside "you like touching the woman" ( super weird) and fairly Confused, why did you touch her wrist like that in the first place?

I don't find that this gesture fits in the same category as a hug or cheek kisses, I'd find it invasive of my personal space and something I would expect a partner to do - not a friend.
If she had said she was going to buy a necklace or earrings would you have also stroked her neck or her earlobe going ooohhhh......?

Maybe she has felt uncomfortable about this aort of thing for much of the 29 years you have known her and dealt with it badly as a result.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 03/09/2018 06:10

Is she scared of flying? It was very weird what she said but some people get snappy when they’re scared.

spiderplantsalad · 03/09/2018 06:31

As someone tactile, I'd retort its sad you can't express affection & I'd feel on edge with her ever after, so distance myself & tell her why if she asks. A real friend accepts you the way you are. Life's too short.

Why does your need to be tactile and accepted the way you are trump someone else's need to not be tactile, and accepted as such? Genuine question, as I'm in the really not tactile camp.

OP maybe your friend was just nervous of flying or upset about something? It's really weird that you've known each other for almost 30 years and this has never come up before.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 06:47

Commander, I think saying 'Oooh' and then a brief touch to the arm is quite normal. It means 'check you out treating yourself' or 'get you' etc.

OP, it would have been perfectly fine to say that she doesn't like to be touched and could you please not do it again. But the way she did it was very rude because she introduced a sexual element to it by implying you are a lesbian.

She is rude, and I would definitely call my friendship with her.

strawberrisc · 03/09/2018 06:52

She’s not called Roxanne is she?

Movablefeast · 03/09/2018 06:53

I think just respect her personal boundaries, I am also someone who likes to show physical affection to friends but only once I feel I know them well enough and they are comfortable. It is very strange that this only came to light after 29 years but take it at face value and give her the physical distance she prefers.

The way she said it however was strange! But we all say things badly at times, maybe she was out of her comfort zone saying that to you and suddenly dregged up some very silly “reasons” why she was justified in asking you to back off.

As you are such old friends can you not just bring the topic back up and iron out any misunderstandings?

OliviaStabler · 03/09/2018 07:00

There's clearly something else going on or this would have come up years before now but she clearly can't or won't talk to you about it.

CandidaAlbicans · 03/09/2018 07:15

She has said it before but I just thought she was joking

What, she's asked you not to touch her before?

Bowerbird5 · 03/09/2018 07:34

No I took it whether she was gay.

I often hug my friends both male and female.
I would just respect her wishes and try to remember. It is sad though when you have known her so long.

1travellight · 03/09/2018 07:37

After 29 years? Something else is going on in her mind.

But - If she suddenly wants to keep you at arms length, thats exactly where I would put myself. At a safe distance away from her.

RoseGoldEagle · 03/09/2018 07:38

she has said it before but I just thought she was joking

What, she's asked you not to touch her before?

I took it to mean she’s suggested the OP might be a lesbian before, not that she mentioned not liking to be touched. It’s fine to tell you she doesn’t like you being so tactile but she could have said it more politely, she probably just reacted in the moment in irritation. I’d bring it up again and say you never knew she felt like that and you’ll stop, but that you’re hurt by the way she said it as actually although it’s fine for her to feel the way she does, it’s also completely normal for other people to be very tactile without it being sexual.

dancinfeet · 03/09/2018 07:42

If she has asked you not to touch her before, why are you still doing it? I cannot stand being touched by anyone - I love hugging my kids, and can tolerate a hug from my very best friend but apart from that if anyone touches me unexpectedly my brain screams 'get the fuck off'. Although I won't say that directly to them, I will sometimes give an involuntary flinch if they try to hug me. I seem to have less issue if it's a child than an adult, but even then I will avoid contact if I can. Some people love spa days - the thought of someone giving me a massage or a facial fills me with utter dread, I can just about stand any kind of physical contact if it's absolutely necessary (i.e. medical treatment) but anything non-medical that can be avoided I will steer well clear of. OP - respect your friend's boundaries - yes, the issue is hers and not yours, but if she doesn't like to be touched why do you still keep doing it?

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 07:48

It does sound like there’s more to this, perhaps over time you’ll find out what, perhaps not.

Nevertheless you need to make sure you respect her boundaries scrupulously from now on. It’s really not that hard not to touch someone.

Give her odd comments about you being a Lesbian I would personally do my best to avoid seeing her alone for a while. Invite another friend along, have meet ups with your wider friendship group or include all your kids.

We can’t tell whether this is entirely her issue or not but do listen to her requests for space.

Gersemi · 03/09/2018 07:48

It's probably because I'm in the non-tactile camp, but I would find it really weird if a friend suddenly touched me for no obvious reason during an innocuous conversation. Even more so if they kept doing it.

SilverHairedCat · 03/09/2018 07:51

A PP said this about the friend and got bring "tactile": A real friend accepts you the way you are but as someone who hates being touched by anyone other than a sexual partner (I have no kids), touchy feely people are unpleasant. You aren't accepting that she doesn't want to submit to bring touched, and why should she? It cuts both ways.

Anyway, she still sounds like she's been strange with you for some reason recently. Was the flight a problem for her? Was she jealous that you had money to spend in Tiffany's and she didn't?

SilverHairedCat · 03/09/2018 07:52

So many typos. Need tea.

emmyrose2000 · 03/09/2018 07:53

I don't even cuddle my kids

That's very sad. Her poor kids. That'll come back to bite her later on.

I'm not a particularly tactile person either, but I'm always hugging or touching my kids (and DH).

DannyWallace · 03/09/2018 07:54

That's strange that this has just come up after a long friendship....however I wonder if she's similar to me...
I'm a pretty cuddly person. I don't have an issue with personal contact. However I also like my own space. I have a very good friend who ALWAYS likes to be touching. She always stands so close, if she stands next to me she will be brushing her hand against my arm. She doesn't even realise she does it, but she does it to everyone and admits she likes to feel close to people.
I admit I snapped at her (I was early pregnant, feeling so sick and just wanting space!). We spoke about it after and she understands that I'm just not as touchy feely as her. We're still good friends (and no....I don't think she fancies me 😂😂)

Aeroflotgirl · 03/09/2018 08:00

Wow and she is telling you this after 29 years of friendship. Her comments are very odd. It sounds as though she does not consider yiu a good friend the way she has spoken to you. I would distance myself from her.

Sparklesocks · 03/09/2018 08:01

Not everyone enjoys touching, but it’s very weird she doesn’t even hug her own kiddies! That’s so sad.
I would’ve asked her what she meant by the ‘you’re always touching women’ comment. So what?? A lot of female friends are tactile with each other and yes maybe she doesn’t like it personally but most other close friends wouldn’t object to a slight arm touch.

BeyondAnOmnishambles · 03/09/2018 08:04

Not liking to be touched and saying so is fine - I'm in that camp too!

But the comment? Honestly, I'm wondering if she's struggling to come to terms with realising she is lesbian and massively projecting...

diddl · 03/09/2018 08:14

It's strange that she's only said something after 29yrs!

Not cuddling her kids-maybe a lie to get the point across?

I agree with a pp though that thinks it was an odd thing for you to have done, Op.

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