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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My best friend is uncomfortable around me aibu?

137 replies

loopy7758 · 02/09/2018 18:28

So I'm naturally a happy bubbly woman.
I've been friends with her for 29 years.
Two weeks ago we went to New York for a few days.
We were on the plane and she mentioned she was going to treat herself to a Tiffany bracelet.
So without thinking I touched her arm and said "ooooooh" as in ooooh very nice.
Then she said stop touching ..your so touchy feely,I don't even cuddle my kids.
I said sorry I didn't even think about it..as me and my other best friend link each other,give cuddles saying goodbye etc.
Then I said ..i don't even realise I do it and she replied "yeah you love touching the women"

Bare in mind I'm totally straight ...
I'm sat here thinking hope she doesn't think I fancy her.

OP posts:

Shartilina · 03/09/2018 08:18

It isn’t unreasonable for her to not want to be touched but it was a shitty and weird way of putting it. I would have to talk to her more about that comment and have an honest conversation about whether it is just that bothering her. Especially if she has made comments before and you mistook them for jokes.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/09/2018 08:21

That is fine if she does not want to be touched, she does not need to be nasty about it, which she was.

Billben · 03/09/2018 08:26

I really can’t see what was odd about what you’ve done 🤔

FabulousTomatoes · 03/09/2018 08:27

She sounds a bit homophobic op, or maybe she’s a bit confused about her own sexuality. That thing she said about ‘touching the women’ sounds like the kind of thing a teenage girl would say!

FabulousTomatoes · 03/09/2018 08:28

(No offence to teenagers - I have two and I hope they’d never be so rude to their friends!)

pineappple · 03/09/2018 08:28

A similar thing happened to me with one of my friends and it turned out she was the one who fancied me!

Mrsmadevans · 03/09/2018 08:29

OP it is her not you

Havaina · 03/09/2018 09:53

@dancinfeet

*If she has asked you not to touch her before, why are you still doing it?

OP said the friend has called her a lesbian before, not that she has asked her not to touch her before.

I don't think that was difficult to understand from OP's post.

Original poster

loopy7758 · 03/09/2018 10:13

Yeah I meant she has mentioned I'm a lesbian or asexual before because I didn't fancy these men I've been in on dates with ..truth be told it's because I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend and haven't been In the right frame of mind for dating.
She doesn't mind when random blokes in the pub touch her just not me touching her arm apparently which is weird but il make sure I won't have any physical contact again.

OP posts:

Havaina · 03/09/2018 10:18

Loopy- you know those thing she that your friend does that annoy you? Well, there is no need for you to hold back anymore. Tell her! And if she can dish it out but can't take t then she's no friend!

Assburgers · 03/09/2018 10:41

I don’t like being touched. I know which of my friends are a bit tactile & I can dodge most of the touching but on a plane, no chance. I would imagine that it wasn’t the first time you touched her on the journey (I.e you do it without thinking) & she felt hemmed in & stressed, so snapped.

She wasn’t polite about it but I wouldn’t read anything into it. Maybe talk to her if you’re worried? You sound lovely, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to upset you.

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 10:48

Christ almighty, she's not weird or odd or a bitch for not wanting people to touch her when she hasn't invited it.
It's a good thing to know and express your own boundaries, and from the comment she made it sounds like OP has been pissing her off for a while touching her when she doesn't like it.

Some people dont and they don 't have to put up with it to be polite.

bsbabas · 03/09/2018 10:51

Ask her what she has against lesbians? Also explain all the ways she's annoying and why you haven't brought it up before!

Havaina · 03/09/2018 10:53

AnEPleaseBob

Have you actually RTFT? Or are you a homophobe like OP's friend?

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 10:54

Yes, and no. What an odd question.

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 10:55

I just think it's a sad state of affairs if you can't touch your friends arm after all them years

It's a sad state of affairs when you think you have rights to touch people who don't like it.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 11:01

Have you actually RTFT? Or are you a homophobe like OP's friend?

Havaina that’s a very odd response to AnEPleaseBob! She didn’t say anything unreasonable or homophobic.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:07

How was it an odd comment?

if AnE had read the thread they would know that the friend had NOT previously asked OP not to touch her, instead she has previously called OP a lesbian
As AnE says they have read the thread, and says the friend doesn't have to be polite, I can only surmise that AnE is perfectly happy that OP's friend made homophobic remarks such as 'you love touching the women' and asking the OP if she is a lesbian.

Beaverhausen · 03/09/2018 11:16

OP you should have just said to her "Sorry Darl, but you are really not my type ;)!"

Do not let her make you feel uncomfortable about who you are, nothing wrong with being an attentive person.

JellyBaby666 · 03/09/2018 11:21

Don't let her make you paranoid. If shes been a friend for that long, I'd be addressing it head on. "On the plane I touched your arm, and you made some hurtful comments that made me feel really uncomfortable and paranoid. I'm sorry for being tactile when you dislike it, it won't happen again, but I didn't deserve for you to speak to me like that and make snide comments."

downinthejunglee · 03/09/2018 11:21

My brother is like this, cannot be touched at all, no matter who by he however has autism (so although it sucks sometimes we do understand) however he does show his love in other ways.

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 11:25

Ops friend has made several blatent/snide references to her suddenly being a lesbian just because she didnt fancy 3 men she had dates with. If AnE had read the ops posts she would know this. And she would also realuse that this 'friend' hasnt bothered about being touched for the previous 29years its just recently when she has decided op is now a lesbian.

Op she is nuts and homophobic. I think she is scared she will 'catch the gay' off you. Obviously you must now be a lesbian for not falling at those mens feet in gratitude😉

Tell her to get over herself and even if you were gay you really dont fancy her at all. And not dating men just because she thinks you should doesnt mean you are gay anyway.

onetimeposter · 03/09/2018 11:25

I automatically block people on dating websites when they say tactile. It means being pawed. I hate pda and people randomly touching as you did. It repels me. I think you have probably done this lots of times without realising, except this is the first time she has told you. Prbably, her annoyance is in now knowing she has to share a room with you for the trip. It is too much for people like me.
I was never hugged as a child
Knew i was loved though

TidyLike · 03/09/2018 11:27

It's ok for her to ask not to be touched, but not for her to be so rude about it. If she's not usually so snappy, perhaps there is something else going on in her life that is causing her stress.

I'm really alarmed that she doesn't cuddle her kids, though.

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 11:27

Ops friend has made several blatent/snide references to her suddenly being a lesbian just because she didnt fancy 3 men she had dates with. If AnE had read the ops posts she would know this. And she would also realuse that this 'friend' hasnt bothered about being touched for the previous 29years its just recently when she has decided op is now a lesbian

Actually what i would realise, as you should is that it doesn't matter why anyone doesn't want to be touched, thats their own business. PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED ARE ALLOWED NOT TO BE FOR ANY REASON AT ALL, and thats all there is to it.

Her reasons may be objectionable, but it doesn't matter. If someone wants you not to touch them: don't fucking touch them.

Can't believe people need to be told that. My 2 year old has learned it.

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