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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My best friend is uncomfortable around me aibu?

137 replies

loopy7758 · 02/09/2018 18:28

So I'm naturally a happy bubbly woman.
I've been friends with her for 29 years.
Two weeks ago we went to New York for a few days.
We were on the plane and she mentioned she was going to treat herself to a Tiffany bracelet.
So without thinking I touched her arm and said "ooooooh" as in ooooh very nice.
Then she said stop touching ..your so touchy feely,I don't even cuddle my kids.
I said sorry I didn't even think about it..as me and my other best friend link each other,give cuddles saying goodbye etc.
Then I said ..i don't even realise I do it and she replied "yeah you love touching the women"

Bare in mind I'm totally straight ...
I'm sat here thinking hope she doesn't think I fancy her.

OP posts:
JellyBaby666 · 03/09/2018 11:31

The not wanting to be touched is fine - but being rude to someone whose known you for nearly 30 years and I presume didn't know you don't like to be touched IS rude. I don't think anyone is claiming if you're tactile you get to touch whoever you want (because you don't) but if this is the first time its ever been mentioned how was the OP to know?

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:32

AnEPleaseBob

Shouting is a clear sign that you've lost the argument.

Can you post the username of one poster on this thread who has said that OP should be allowed to touch her friend?

As I and others have said, there is nothing wrong with the friend telling OP she doesn't like to be touched and asking OP not to touch her.

But it is very wrong and homophobic of the friend to imply that OP likes 'touching the women' and that she is a lesbian simply because OP briefly touches her arm.

I'll refrain from comparing your intelligence unfavourably with your 2 yo child, even though you have stooped to doing it here.

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 11:33

I don't think anyone is claiming if you're tactile you get to touch whoever you want (because you don't) but if this is the first time its ever been mentioned how was the OP to know?

Actually OP pretty much did say just that, she said its a sad state of affairs if you aren't allowed to touch your friends. It implies her needs are more important.
I bet its not the first time its been mentioned either.

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 11:33

Shouting is a clear sign that you've lost the argument

No, its a sign that other people haven't understood a very basic premise.

Are you unable to differentiate between two issues, even if they are interlinked?

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 11:35

Oh ffs op brushed her arm on a plane seat. There isnt much room there to never touch the person next to you if you share an arm rest us there?
But waiting 29 years to complain about something when coincidentally you have decided your friend is a predatory lesbian desperately coming on to you is ok!

She is not much of a friend to be saying stuff like that in a snidey way as if its something op should either admit to or prove it to said friend by going off with a man.

Friend is narrow minded and nasty. And its really easy to tell someone something without being nasty so yes she should be polite to her friend not make accusations teenage boys would make.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/09/2018 11:37

I'm not really a hugger. (Hug DD all the time) but other people I'm not keen on hugging. However, most of my work mates are huggy and touchy types. So I make an effort because they are just being friendly.

If its never come up, how is OP to know that her friend doesnt like being touched? And it was an arm, not trying to cop a feel. Friend would have a point then.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 11:37

Willow and Havaina all AnEPleaseBob said was that there’s nothing wrong with defending your physical boundaries - and surely we’d all agree with that?

The friend may be homophobic or she may not be but regardless she is still entitled to defend her personal boundaries.

We regularly have threads supporting the view that it’s ok for children not to kiss relatives if they don’t want to and that women can say “no” for any reason regarding unwanted touching. How is this any different?

If the OP is hurt/upset/offended by her friend’s comments about her sexual orientation (and I wouldn’t blame her) then she can challenge her and/or stop seeing her.

But if she does choose to continue to see her then she needs to stop touching.

The OP’s sexual orientation and the friend’s prejudices are irrelevant to the question. There is nothing unreasonable about asking someone to stop touching you.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/09/2018 11:38

Also, the op said, her friend didnt mind when random blokes were touching her in the pub.

veggiethrower · 03/09/2018 11:39

Sounds a bit bizarre really.
Have you always been touchy feely with her over the 29 years or is it something you have started doing?
If she asked you before not to touch her and you have continued to do so, that is out of order. Some people don't like being touched.
However, it sounds like she has got some idea in her head that you fancy her and want a relationship her and she is trying to make it clear that she does not fancy you and is not interested in a relationship.

Don't touch her any more and if she continues to make unpleasant comments such as "yeah, you love touching the women" then let the friendship run its course.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:42

AnE

No, its a sign that other people haven't understood a very basic premise.

An you explain what I haven't understood? And how putting your view in all capitals makes more comprehensible than putting in proper case?

Are you unable to differentiate between two issues, even if they are interlinked?

What are the two issues and how are they interlinked? Are you having a conversation with yourself because I have no idea what you're on about?

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 11:42

If you are on here its a basic premise we can read we dont need capital letters thanks.

Shouting just implies you are trying to over rule everyone elses opinion just like a primary playground.

And you are still spectacularly missing the point that this friend didnt say a word until she decided op was gay. Thats not a lifelong dislike of being touched...

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:43

NonaGrey

The friend may be homophobic or she may not be but regardless she is still entitled to defend her personal boundaries.

No one has said the friend isn't not entitled to defend her boundaries. Can you name one poster who has said that?

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 11:46

Funny how friend doesnt "defend her physicsl boundaries" when its random men in a pub toching her.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 11:46

But waiting 29 years to complain about something when coincidentally you have decided your friend is a predatory lesbian desperately coming on to you is ok!

Well now, that’s an interesting point Willow

Because we would never tell a woman who’d been married for 29 years that she was unreasonable to tell her DH to stop touching her in a way she didn’t like.

We wouldn’t tell her she shouldn’t complain just because she’d put up with it in the past would we?

What about a long term male friend who a woman suddenly felt (rightly or wrongly) had a sexual interest in her? Would we tell her that she couldn’t “suddenly” ask him to stop touching her?

Our boundaries are our boundaries.

The friend may be wrong/unkind/rude/homophobic but that doesn’t mean her request was inappropriate.

And the OP didn’t accidentally brush her arm due to proximity on the plane, she stated herself that it was a deliberate action.

I don’t think she was unreasonable to touch her friend but neither do I think that the friend is wrong to ask for her to stop if she doesn’t like it.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:49

I don’t think she was unreasonable to touch her friend but neither do I think that the friend is wrong to ask for her to stop if she doesn’t like it.

Again, no one has said the friend is wrong to ask her to stop touching her, NonaGrey

UghNoWay · 03/09/2018 11:51

I'd be very unimpressed that after 29 years my "friend" doesn't seem to know me at all

You could easily say this fro the friends point of view too. She may well have repeatedly tried to get the OP to understand that she doesn't like to be touched and that the OP has been the insensitive one that doesn't understand her friend. It works both ways. The friend shouldn't have been crabby though.

I do not like being hugged or kissed by friends. I'm a lovely warm friendly person (honest! ) but I can't be doing with the kissing and hugging every time you meet up. I used to put up with it but now I do t want to. I've told my friends and mostly they respect it.

I don't know what's gone on with the OP and her friend beforehand but if the friend has said she isn't touchy freely before then the OP should respect that.

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 11:54

Op has no sexual interest in her at all . Jeez that is a huge leap to take.
Nobody has said you can touch anyone any way you like. They have pointed out that this is a new thing since friend decided op was gay and her nasty comments are all about op being a lesbisn there for her touching her friend is now a 'come on' or inappropriate. Its pathetic.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 11:57

Perhaps not in so many words Haviana but the following comment doesn’t really indicate a respectful acceptance of the friend’s right to make the request:

Loopy- you know those thing she that your friend does that annoy you? Well, there is no need for you to hold back anymore. Tell her! And if she can dish it out but can't take t then she's no friend!

Funny how the friend doesn’t defend her physical boundaries when it’s random men in the pub touching her

Oh come on Willow!

Now the difference might be because she’s more comfortable making the request of her friend than challenging unknown men who may become agressive when challenged.

It could be because there’s something specific about how the OP touches her that she doesn’t like.

Or it could be that she has homophobic slut - which appears to be the subtext of your comment though hopefully I’m wrong about that...

Regardless though, she’s within her rights to choose who touches her.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:59

You could easily say this fro the friends point of view too. She may well have repeatedly tried to get the OP to understand that she doesn't like to be touched and that the OP has been the insensitive one that doesn't understand her friend.

But OP wasn't aware. Now she isn't aware she has said she is going to watch herself to make sure she doesn't do it again.

If the friend had told OP at any point in the past 29 years that she didn't like to be touched than I'm sure OP would have been careful not to touch her friend.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 12:00

*Now she is aware

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 12:06

Oh ffs.
Liking attention from men doesnt make you a slut but it does beg the question why its ok fo strange men to touch her but not her friend whom she has known 29 years. She should obviously realise op is not coming on to her.

There is no indication she has been telling op not to touch her for years as op has accepted this and said she will take this into consideration in future. I am sure she would have done this at any point in the past 29 years if her friend had thought it necessary to tell her.

onetimeposter · 03/09/2018 12:11

They didnt brush arms. Op deliberately stroked her wrist. Perhaps it annoyed the friend every time but on this day she was in a bad mood, or worried about flying. Nothing worse than not having physical space when you have to concentrate and stay calm.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 12:14

Not to mention it's offensive to lesbians (or gay people in general) that them touching their friends of the same sex has an automatic sexual intent to it.

onetimeposter · 03/09/2018 12:16

Most lesbians I know never casually touch women. It just isnt done.

bingbongnoise · 03/09/2018 12:18

Yeah it's very odd that this has not come up before, after being friends since 1989! Confused

Can't understand it at all. Makes no sense.

Weird comment about 'you like to touch the woman' too! Confused

I would ask her if something has happened to her to make her react this way.

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