Partner doesn't find me attractive - how to deal with this? AIBU?

[Nerolily]

I am six months pregnant and I've put on a bit more weight than I would have liked over the last six months. I've gone from a size 10/11 to a size 12/13 and obviously I have a decent sized bump to go with that too. I'm only 5ft4 so being almost 11 stone now doesn't look great on me.

My partner seems to love me but I don't think he finds me attractive at all. He has a very (media influenced?) idea of what's attractive in a woman: very slim, very fit, very young and very pert. Basically an ideal that's really hard to live up to.

He's no spring chicken himself. Late 40s, and is a bit overweight. I'm in my early 40's and currently also a bit overweight. I wasn't when I met him, I was 9 stone.

This would all be ok except for four things:

1 He often comments how unattractive women are who look like me or perhaps even a bit slimmer or younger than me, he even says 'ugh' at them. We see a topless sunbather on the beach who isn't totally slim but more pert than I am right now and comments things like 'I don’t think she should be topless. It would be ok if she was 19'. He used to talk all the time about how attractive very young women in their late teens or early 20s are (this was until I said how upsetting it was) he still makes comments about older (say over 30) or fatter (say size 12/14+) women being unattractive, and says how attractive much younger (less than 20) and much slimmer (size 8 or less) women are.

2 He loves to cook, he loves to eat, he loves me to eat what he cooks, he needs my approval for the things he cooks, it's a way he shows love and he has a vast appetite and expects me to match it. His entire day revolves around what he's cooking for dinner or lunch. He wants to impress me with his cooking and loves to cook big meals for us and our children. He gives me portions that are the same size as his, he weighs 1.5 times as much as I do and is 6ft.

3 He has stopped complimenting my physical appearance utterly and completely since I started putting on weight (a few months into our relationship) he continues to say zero complimentary about my appearance as I grow steadily more pregnant. Nothing, not one word. Nothing positive springs to his mind about how I look whatsoever. He used to compliment me when we first met.

4 His ex wife is a size 6-8 and has the body of a teenager. Very fit, very toned. She's older than me and frankly looks incredible. They were together for 15 years, clearly her metabolism could cope with the overfeeding and when he complimented teenagers in the street in front of her, she probably felt 'well I look like them too so no problem'.

It is eating away at me that he doesn't find me attractive. It's a fundamental female need as far as I'm concerned, that your partner communicates to you that he finds you attractive. Not only is there nothing forthcoming in that direction, I get a clear picture from his comments on other women about what he does find attractive. I don't feel our relationship has much long term potential at all if he loves me like a sister but doesn't find me attractive. I'm projecting a little in that sentence, but it's how he makes me feel. I have spoken to him about it a couple of times, and he apologises but nothing changes. I wish I was with someone who just found me attractive. I don't think I look too bad at all but he makes me feel so ugly and self conscious. I have been desperate to lose weight while pregnant but feel faint when I don't eat enough. I have asked him to stop cooking so much for me but he just gets offended. I don't know how to deal with it. It's breaking my heart.

Monty, this problem isn't just about not complimenting Nerolily's appearance.

The man ogles teenage girls.
He withholds interest and affection from his own DD, while being very sweet with the OP's DD.
He tells his son that 'Girls can't do X, or Y..
He forces the OP to eat more than she wants to eat.

Nerolily, you can stick your fingers in your ears all you like, and sing lalalala, but I need to point out to you that the reason people are suspecting your H is grooming the female children in his life have nothing to do with 'an unbalanced view of what's attractive in women vs men' .

You can choose to ignore warnings all you like, but the warnings given are to do with the H's behaviour that you have described towards these specific children. What he is doing to these specific children is creating a golden child vs all the others dynamic. It is a means of grooming, and put together with his ogling of teenage girls and his remarks about slimness there are red flags all over the place here.

Does the thought of turning a sow's ear into a silk purse boost your ego? Do you like the idea of you finding a diamond in the rough and by your own efforts causing him to shine? Do you think a man you are involved with should be a project of yours?

Do you believe you are worthy of a man who isn't a fixer upper? A man who has nothing to offer your image of yourself as a rehabilitating angel?

How old is your daughter op? Sorry if I missed it.

@Nerolily No problem. I know there are a lot of people still calling for you to leave him but I read your posts slightly differently to others. I don't think you are a walkover-I think you're an intelligent woman who is sensitive about her weight at the moment (needlessly I might add) as you're pregnant...that you don't intend to leave him or anything so dramatic but are looking to understand why he acts the way he does and engage him in a way he'll understand. Your DH does sound like a cockwomble who needs a kick up the arse and you're looking for a way to deliver that kick meaningfully. I think a lot of times people jump to LTB but these posts only ever show a small stitch in a much larger tapestry of someone's relationship and I think it's unfair to suggest to leave a partner unless someone is specifically asking if they should.

Anyway, back to me! I've been with DH for 11 years and married for 6. DH would often ask me if I liked the way he looked in something and would sometimes tease me that I'm a prude as I'm not so affectionate...the real eye opener was a marriage guidance book someone gave us (in good faith!) as a wedding present. We went through it one evening for some fun and really learnt a lot! The main topic of conversation was the language of love (I'm sure you can google it!). It talked about the different ways people express affection and love. Both of us felt the other wasn't very good at expressing these things...and both of us thought ourselves were great. After reading more we found out that we talk different 'languages'. DH tells me he loves me by 'showing' and 'telling' me. So he will ply me with compliments, be physically affectionate with lots of hugs and kisses. I would tell him I love him by 'doing and giving'. So I would do domestic chores to show him, I would buy that shirt he saw the other week and liked. One time he went away for a weekend and we'd just moved in. I spent three days unpacking, tidying and making it homely as I wanted to surprise him. He was thankful but nothing big-I considered it saying 'I love you THIS much'.

When we talked it though, I saw his affection and hugs etc as just wanting sex and my doing things around the house as because I wanted things tidy. It was a bit of a revelation for us both.

I'm still not great at telling him he's attractive and I'm embarrassed to say the last time he did get a bit tearful and it shock me and made me realise how important it was and question why I was so bad. I can only put it down to my own confidence. My DH is a hottie and I do sometimes feel a little inferior (even with his comments of reassurance). I guess I feel if I point out how hot he is too much, he'll realise he's out of my league. That sounds awful and it is! But it's an issue with my own self esteem and not actually about him.

I work really hard now and we have a healthy dialogue if he feels I'm slipping (or if I point out he's missed an opportunity to show me in my 'language').

I also oogle openly at other men..catcalling and saying how hot they are. But I'm not sure Chris Hemsworth or David Beckham would ever look back my way 😆

Sorry if this has derailed slightly but you wanted some insight from someone who struggles and that's it! It may not translate to your situation but what I will say is DH tried to dripfeed to me and I kept slacking. The big difficult conversation where he questioned my feelings was the one that made me make a real change. I think I would go big rather than small if I were you.

My god, talk about jumping to bizarre conclusions. You really think I'd walk down the street with my partner catcalling teenagers?!

Yeah - you would alright. That isn't to say, loudly catcalling. But ogling teens whilst walking along with you and whispering his nastiness into your ear - 100%, you're up for that OP.

You're just annoyed as you wanted posters to give you the magic key to make him stop so you can happily stay with him. Unfortunately we see him for the lech with paedo tendencies that he is.

I'm convinced that any man, no matter how abhorrent, can get a woman. Especially if he's handsome with that 'look ladies, heres my trophy man' look. It's that shallow out there. Depressing in 2018 but there you go

Only read 2 pages of this thread, things may have moved on but please get some backbone.

He is a complete misogynist, he wants to keep you in your place, overweight and self esteem at rock bottom. All those creepy comments about teenage girls and young women and the feeding are meant to keep you down and dependent. You are pleading here for him to give you compliments and to find you attractive. The only thing I would want from him is monthly child support and his keys back. He sounds vile.

@montymontymonty THANK YOU, this is exactly the kind of insight and understanding and advice I really need.

My Dad has mentioned these languages of love a few years ago, I suspect he read the same book. I'm definitely thinking my partner's cooking and playing the role of food provider for everyone is one of his languages of love, a most unfortunate one, which is why I know it will hurt him to refuse his food for most of the week, but I have to do it to have some control over what I'm eating.

What's the name of the book please? We both seriously need to read it.

I can really imagine how hurt you would have felt to be unpacking the new house for three days only for him to give a thank you and move on. I would want a chorus of appreciation.

It's really interesting to hear you say you may be withholding compliments because you feel he's more attractive than you. I think despite these insecurities you're absolutely right to persevere with what he needs to hear. I don't think my partner feels how you feel but you never know.

I think you're right about the need to go big. I have drip fed a little to no avail. I am going to consider what form this action takes over the next few days.

Would love to know what the book is.

Thank you so much for your understanding and insights.

Ok, op, have it your own way. He isn't good at paying compliments. Well, not to you anyway. And he is vile about other women's bodies; but really that is just a slightly irritating quirk. Apart from that all is hunky dory; except for the forced feeding obvs. And the way he disregards your feelings.

I'm still not great at telling him he's attractive the million dollar question is- do you tell your husband when out and about who you find attractive, like hot late teen guys or guys with six packs? Do you go 'ugh' or make remarks about men's unattractiveness if they are older, or overweight or just not your standard? If not, then you really aren't in the same position as the OP.

OP you don't have a love languages problem. If you did, your husband would be showing the children equal standards of care/attention in his own caring language (which he does not) and only communicating in his caring language (he actually blathers on about attractiveness all the time just not about you).

Why did you come on here and ask the world? Genuine question.
The majority of people have given good advice.
Sadly I expect you’ll come on here every couple of years asking advice about your dp. And you won’t listen.

Love languages? I know you won't have it but he is a MISOGYNIST that is teaching his son how to be a misogynist and his daughter that her choices are limited. I feel sorry for his children and future child. It's unbelievable enough that you're pregnant and playing 'happy blended families' within a year, but growing up in this toxic environment will be hell for them.

I'm not at all suggesting I'm in the same position as OP, nor have I said languages of love is the answer. @Nerolily asked for some insight into my relationship and the fact that I struggle to compliment my DH, which I outlined. However, she has asked for some help in dealing with the situation and is clearly not in a place where leaving him is in her thinking. She's also stated that he's a dedicated, loving partner who she knows loves her and does support her DD activities but needs reminding that girls can do boys things too. He is older and perhaps on the back end of a generation who do have a slightly sexist view still. My DF is not much older than her DH and he makes some awfully sexist comments and often gets slapped on the head by my DM.

Oogling other women is part of the behaviour that needs addressing and OP has agreed a big chat is in order and he needs to now understand the hurtfulness and impact of them and that if things don't change-there will be long term consequences.

I don't understand how suggesting she leaves him is helpful? If you have a leaky roof in the house, you fix it-you don't move! Yes, I realise that metaphor is awful! If you plough a load of money into it and you're still getting wet, then it's time to contact the estate agent... oh the metaphor just gets worse!!

OP I can't remember the exact name of it as we gave it to my DS when she married but The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman looks familiar.

Hope this helps

He just sounds creepy tbh
Perving on girls young enough to be his daughters. Yuck just yuck
Utterly vile

A misunderstood Bernard Manning with an angular jaw and a need to be trained like a dog is better than no man, right?!

I had an ex that used to point out women slimmer than me and say ‘urgh she’s so fat, could do to lose a few pounds’ etc and used to pick fights with me at mealtimes so that I would end up losing my appetite or not eating because the food was cold.

At least he wasn’t a feeder

He really sounds unpleasant OP.

He’s in his late 40s
My dad is in his 80s and wouldn’t be that sexist. Don’t blame she on being a cunt

Blame age

If I was the OP I would start pointing out men I thought looked like they had larger penises than her partner.

Thanks very much @montymontymonty I'm looking it up now!

He is older and perhaps on the back end of a generation who do have a slightly sexist view still.

Stop with this, please.

He's in his late 40s. He was born at the height of second wave feminism.

He's a misogynist because he chooses to be. That's who he is. Not be sure of his age, or when he was born.

Good luck, OP. Never have I come across a more deluded thread.

You started this, you see the problems, you asked for help.

Heis older and perhaps on the back end of a generation who do have a slightly sexist view still

What - in his 40s?!!!

I didn’t suggest leaving him but I do think it’s totally gross that a 50 yo man is ogling teens. I hope you don’t have one at home

Languages of love? This has GOT to be a wind up Im out.

The blinkers are firmly on, aren't they? All these problems already in a relationship that's only 12 months old. What will it be like in the future, as you age and look less and less like his ideal?

@Sarcelle

I've read all the thread.
OPs updates have painted the situation as being worse and worse.

No back bone and oblivious to the fact it sounds scarily like her partner is grooming her DD.

And OP that's not me "projecting my issues" on what you have said. Your partner openly perves on teenagers in front of you, and your biggest worry is that he doesn't say you look nice? All kinds of f*ed up.