Partner doesn't find me attractive - how to deal with this? AIBU?

[Nerolily]

I am six months pregnant and I've put on a bit more weight than I would have liked over the last six months. I've gone from a size 10/11 to a size 12/13 and obviously I have a decent sized bump to go with that too. I'm only 5ft4 so being almost 11 stone now doesn't look great on me.

My partner seems to love me but I don't think he finds me attractive at all. He has a very (media influenced?) idea of what's attractive in a woman: very slim, very fit, very young and very pert. Basically an ideal that's really hard to live up to.

He's no spring chicken himself. Late 40s, and is a bit overweight. I'm in my early 40's and currently also a bit overweight. I wasn't when I met him, I was 9 stone.

This would all be ok except for four things:

1 He often comments how unattractive women are who look like me or perhaps even a bit slimmer or younger than me, he even says 'ugh' at them. We see a topless sunbather on the beach who isn't totally slim but more pert than I am right now and comments things like 'I don’t think she should be topless. It would be ok if she was 19'. He used to talk all the time about how attractive very young women in their late teens or early 20s are (this was until I said how upsetting it was) he still makes comments about older (say over 30) or fatter (say size 12/14+) women being unattractive, and says how attractive much younger (less than 20) and much slimmer (size 8 or less) women are.

2 He loves to cook, he loves to eat, he loves me to eat what he cooks, he needs my approval for the things he cooks, it's a way he shows love and he has a vast appetite and expects me to match it. His entire day revolves around what he's cooking for dinner or lunch. He wants to impress me with his cooking and loves to cook big meals for us and our children. He gives me portions that are the same size as his, he weighs 1.5 times as much as I do and is 6ft.

3 He has stopped complimenting my physical appearance utterly and completely since I started putting on weight (a few months into our relationship) he continues to say zero complimentary about my appearance as I grow steadily more pregnant. Nothing, not one word. Nothing positive springs to his mind about how I look whatsoever. He used to compliment me when we first met.

4 His ex wife is a size 6-8 and has the body of a teenager. Very fit, very toned. She's older than me and frankly looks incredible. They were together for 15 years, clearly her metabolism could cope with the overfeeding and when he complimented teenagers in the street in front of her, she probably felt 'well I look like them too so no problem'.

It is eating away at me that he doesn't find me attractive. It's a fundamental female need as far as I'm concerned, that your partner communicates to you that he finds you attractive. Not only is there nothing forthcoming in that direction, I get a clear picture from his comments on other women about what he does find attractive. I don't feel our relationship has much long term potential at all if he loves me like a sister but doesn't find me attractive. I'm projecting a little in that sentence, but it's how he makes me feel. I have spoken to him about it a couple of times, and he apologises but nothing changes. I wish I was with someone who just found me attractive. I don't think I look too bad at all but he makes me feel so ugly and self conscious. I have been desperate to lose weight while pregnant but feel faint when I don't eat enough. I have asked him to stop cooking so much for me but he just gets offended. I don't know how to deal with it. It's breaking my heart.

now im starting to think this whole thread has been a wind up.

It has a feel of Stoic engagement rings, years ago

'I'm sure you guys wouldn't speak to your friends and family face to face in such a manner on the amount of information you've been given.'

*You know what

I really would*

I would, too. I feel sorry for your existing child. You put your desire to have another child above her needs, continue to justify it to yourself and remain with this vile person. And then have the nerve to tell people to be kind. It's not kind to bring some Johnny Come Lately into a child's life 5 minutes after you meet him just so you can sprog off again.

OP in case you cannot remember your first post, you said:

and when he complimented teenagers in the street in front of her, she probably felt 'well I look like them too so no problem'.

You actually think that it is Ok for him to verbally harrass teenagers as long as he tells you you are attractive?. And how the fuck do you know their actual ages - could be 13 for all you know.

Have you any idea how fucked up this sounds. have you not read the many threads on here where parents are distressed about their very young daughters being verbally assaulted by men like your jutty jawed boyfriend.

I really hope you are a troll.

Didn't Weinstein say he was a product of his generation?

@ihatethearchers - I meant he would make these comments privately to me or to his ex-wife. He doesn't catcall or say anything out loud. He is nowhere near that kind of person. My god, talk about jumping to bizarre conclusions. You really think I'd walk down the street with my partner catcalling teenagers?!

1. Everyone has private conversations
2. some of us people-watch
3. some people people-watch with comments

BAD PLACE
4) some step over the line into judgemental comments to our other halves that we shouldn't make. My partner lives in this category.

VERY BAD PLACE*
Then there are lunatic arseholes who feel it's appropriate to make those comments out loud to the poor subject of their attention.

Does that clarify? Jeez.

To answer your question my dp compliments me every day.
He tells me I am beautiful, that he loves my bum, legs, hair ,eyes, smile.
He tells me I am funny and smart.
I am fatter than you.

Product of his generation, my arse. I'm older than him but manage not to ogle teenage boys and men in their twenties when I'm on the beach.

You're all out to defend him now. Minimising and brushing aside your very real concerns. Well, it's you that has to put up with all of this. Oh, and your daughter too, but as long as he pays lots of attention to her sporting activities then that's all ok.

Neolily remember why you posted on here in the first place, re read your op!

My heart just sinks reading your posts (esp your longer ones.) You are so desperate to defend this man and make excuses for him! And you keep explaining that he is tall, angular, with a good jawline etc, as if any of that is remotely relevant. He is making you feel awful, THAT'S what matters. He is controlling, bullying and sexist and no amount of attractive jawline is ever going to make up for that.

My dad had hugely negative attitudes towards women too. The drip-drip-drip of negative and nasty comments I heard about women when I was a child (his only daughter) and especially as a teenager did untold harm. I had a serious breakdown aged 15, attempted suicide, was in and out of hospital for 3 years and what do you think was happening during all this time? My mum was defending him to the hilt and lying to the child and adolescent mental health team about what was going on at home (to the extent of making ME out to be a liar because I'd told these people what WAS going on). I am now 51 and I STILL suffer from chronic anxiety, a chronic lack of confidence and, from time to time, serious depression. And my relationship with my mother is virtually non-existent because even now (he's been dead for 9 years) she defends my father, minimises his horrendous attitudes towards women and excuses the huge damage that he did.

You are no doubt saying to yourself "Oh, but MY situation with this man is different" but, in essence, it sounds very, very similar: bullying man meets nice-but-passive woman and sees that she will be easily manipulated. In no time at all, they are having a baby together and he is aiming all kinds of hostility in the woman's direction. Because he can. Because she takes it.

You've been distressed enough to write a heartfelt and detailed post to Mumsnet; now, having read the comments, you are jumping to defend the man. You KNOW that this situation is not healthy (otherwise, why post?). The time to leave this man is now, not in 5 years' time, or 10, or whenever, by which time your existing daughter WILL be damaged, as will your not-yet-born daughter. Do you WANT a lifetime of poor confidence, anxiety and depression for your daughters? For them to not want to be anywhere near you because you were spineless and let them down, preferring to defend an unpleasant and destructive man?

You really think I'd walk down the street with my partner catcalling teenagers?! - you happily walk down the street with your partner privately commenting on other women's bodies. You realise that means that he is checking out all women he passes. The arrogance of the man to stand in judgement like that! I don't care how bloody good looking he is, no-one has the right to do that.

Please read NorfolkRattle posts, your decisions affect your dds. As I said, think very carefully before making any other major decisions with this man like moving in with or marrying him.

At the end of the day nothing anyone says on this thread is relevant.

The bottom line is that you’re in a situation with a man who’s making you miserable. You think the answer to the problem is for him to change, but he will not.

You can justify his behaviour by ‘shades of grey’ and ‘misinterpretation’ and list his good points.

But the real only question here is this - can you live what you’re living now for the rest of your life? Because that’s the reality. And just how badly will his weird behaviour and your unhappiness impact your DDs?

@op @Nerolily. . To be honest i read,commented,caught up with further contributions and was utterly horrified. I didnt equate your original post with some of the "profiling"that was mercilessly taking shape. I hope you feel able to speak to dh and convey exactly how his words /lack of some are affecting you. good luck with that and the new babe.x

This thread acrually makes me feel nauseas. My husband is the same age as your partner, if he was going around commenting sexually on 19 year old girls bodies it would be game over. And if you think for one minute that's what all men of that age do then you're so wrong it scares. They don't. Nor do they all want to shag tiny child like women.

It's nauseating. How you can't see that I don't know. It's not you're his safe space that he can tell about his sick thoughts. That's who he is. That's why he has no Male friends. They probably have teenage daughters and don't want him near. This fabulous man you describe has no mates and is divorced for a reason. We can all guess what it is.

Its Your call to stay with him. But honest to god. My bar is set way higher than that and I hope to god my daughters is.

@tolerable I wasn't going to come back and read any more posts but I'm glad I read yours. Thank you very very much for your kind words and understanding.

I'd keep a very close eye on your dd as she matures into just the kind of body he likes

So you're staying with him, OP?

And the only thing that will constitute a deal-breaker is if he persist with the lack of compliments?

That's your 'die in a ditch' issue in all of this?

@Nerolily I read this thread and think (as you've said) you've become a bit of a victim of sharing a problem and then that problem defining your whole relationship.

Does your husband need to update his thinking? Yes. Does he need to show you more affection and ensure you feel attractive and loved? Yes.

I think you know this and the way you write suggests your more than capable of identifying this and putting in place the strategies you've suggested.

And making him realise the effect it has on you...and potentially your DD are really important and it sounds like you have a plan to do this.

Whilst some of the posts have been unhelpful and a little cruel in nature, perhaps this gives you a glimpse of the path this COULD go down if his behaviour carries on going unchecked. And will give you motivation to keep being honest with him. Please don't ever change yourself to suit his warped view of what is attractive...but again, I think you know this.

To add to others comments... my DH is the most affectionate man ever. I've been size 12 and currently size 18 and he loves grabbing my 'rump' and telling be how sexy I am. He'll notice new earrings, changes in my make up etc. I actually play the part of your DH in this and I rarely compliment him..it just doesn't come naturally to me and I have to work really hard to articulate to him how I feel as he is like you and really needs to hear it (and let's face it, who doesn't!). On the other hand he has some fairly old fashioned views on real leftie issues (views which I disagree with) and I encourage him to research and change. I wouldn't want our children to model these views.

Nobody is perfect, everyone has things they are working on improving. The key here is that he recognises these views are outdated, realises the impact and works to change.

Good luck

He's an arsehole. I'm six months pregnant and am usually a UK 10-12 I am not at the moment and I'm not prettily Pippa Middleton, oh look at my cute bump pregnant. I thought I'd gotten stuck in the bath the other day. DH tells me he loves me every day, finds little things to compliment, and when I'm feeling a bit glum (packing for holiday today and none of my lovely holiday clothes I took to Mexico in January fit me) he tells me he loves me and still thinks I'm beautiful, and it doesn't matter if I've put weight on because I'm doing something amazing.
You deserve that too OP.

He knows he's fat old and ugly and you aren't so he's trying to feed you up and run you down to destroy your self confidence so you never leave him.

Absolutely agree with this.
Personally I'd end the relationship. But if you want to try couples counseling, then do.
I'd be worried that his attitude would seriously damage my daughters self esteem.

@montymontymonty - THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING!! I understand giving compliments doesn't come naturally to some people and it's that part I'd really like to understand more of. It's great to hear you work hard at it though it doesn't come naturally to you. We all have to work at the things we don't do naturally. There's some stuff that he does (like offer to get stuff, give me lifts, find the thing I need - particularly when I'm poorly) that I'm not nearly as good at as him. Did your partner have to raise this with you or did you figure out he needed it as he gave it?

I think he will recognise that these views are outdated if I keep harping on about it. He's an intelligent man with some stupid views. He respects my views on things more than his own already. It's just reminding him constantly is tiring. But it has already improved things a bit, and I guess it's the only way.

My god thank you for your message and not deciding my man who has an unbalanced view of what's attractive in women v men, is therefore a obviously a paedophile.

@mrsstrowman - your bath scenario made me laugh out loud.

You're right, I do deserve that too. It's taken some reflection to feel my confidence again in demanding it, but demand it I will.

I think it's a case of him being a thoughtless twit rather than definitely not finding me attractive - that is definitely the important point that remains to be seen.

thank you for your message.

Op. What are you doing?

You state very clearly in your op this is not a man who struggles to give compliments, in fact he likes to give them copiously to women who are a size eight and older teenagers. He finds these women very attractive and comments so.

It's you he's stopped commenting on. Because you're six months pregnant he doesn't fancy you any more, it was eating away at you. To the extent you even tried not eating and feeling faint. His ex wife has rhe body of a teenager apparently,

And now you're defending him? You feel it's becayse he struggles to give compliments ?

That's very different to your op. Either you've come here for help or not. But kidding yourself isn't going to help you I'm sorry. You know as well as we do it's not he's not complimennting you becayse he struggles to articulate it. It's because of his very particular sexual desires.

Same old story, Bluntness. Some people have a self-esteem and standards so low a flea could limbo under them. They'll do anything to stay with a man, any ol' man. Sad, isn't it?