Partner doesn't find me attractive - how to deal with this? AIBU?

[Nerolily]

I am six months pregnant and I've put on a bit more weight than I would have liked over the last six months. I've gone from a size 10/11 to a size 12/13 and obviously I have a decent sized bump to go with that too. I'm only 5ft4 so being almost 11 stone now doesn't look great on me.

My partner seems to love me but I don't think he finds me attractive at all. He has a very (media influenced?) idea of what's attractive in a woman: very slim, very fit, very young and very pert. Basically an ideal that's really hard to live up to.

He's no spring chicken himself. Late 40s, and is a bit overweight. I'm in my early 40's and currently also a bit overweight. I wasn't when I met him, I was 9 stone.

This would all be ok except for four things:

1 He often comments how unattractive women are who look like me or perhaps even a bit slimmer or younger than me, he even says 'ugh' at them. We see a topless sunbather on the beach who isn't totally slim but more pert than I am right now and comments things like 'I don’t think she should be topless. It would be ok if she was 19'. He used to talk all the time about how attractive very young women in their late teens or early 20s are (this was until I said how upsetting it was) he still makes comments about older (say over 30) or fatter (say size 12/14+) women being unattractive, and says how attractive much younger (less than 20) and much slimmer (size 8 or less) women are.

2 He loves to cook, he loves to eat, he loves me to eat what he cooks, he needs my approval for the things he cooks, it's a way he shows love and he has a vast appetite and expects me to match it. His entire day revolves around what he's cooking for dinner or lunch. He wants to impress me with his cooking and loves to cook big meals for us and our children. He gives me portions that are the same size as his, he weighs 1.5 times as much as I do and is 6ft.

3 He has stopped complimenting my physical appearance utterly and completely since I started putting on weight (a few months into our relationship) he continues to say zero complimentary about my appearance as I grow steadily more pregnant. Nothing, not one word. Nothing positive springs to his mind about how I look whatsoever. He used to compliment me when we first met.

4 His ex wife is a size 6-8 and has the body of a teenager. Very fit, very toned. She's older than me and frankly looks incredible. They were together for 15 years, clearly her metabolism could cope with the overfeeding and when he complimented teenagers in the street in front of her, she probably felt 'well I look like them too so no problem'.

It is eating away at me that he doesn't find me attractive. It's a fundamental female need as far as I'm concerned, that your partner communicates to you that he finds you attractive. Not only is there nothing forthcoming in that direction, I get a clear picture from his comments on other women about what he does find attractive. I don't feel our relationship has much long term potential at all if he loves me like a sister but doesn't find me attractive. I'm projecting a little in that sentence, but it's how he makes me feel. I have spoken to him about it a couple of times, and he apologises but nothing changes. I wish I was with someone who just found me attractive. I don't think I look too bad at all but he makes me feel so ugly and self conscious. I have been desperate to lose weight while pregnant but feel faint when I don't eat enough. I have asked him to stop cooking so much for me but he just gets offended. I don't know how to deal with it. It's breaking my heart.

Your existing dc wont be disturbed and disrupted if split, you've only been together a year. He sounds like a creep that I'd never want to have around dds.

It’s odd that his ex wife is in her 40s but you say she has the body of a teenager. It’s obviously what he is attracted to .

Don't eat the big portions he gives you - get another plate and put half of it on there.

Tell him he does not get to decide what women "should" look like, their size/shape, clothing or activities.

LTB and tell him to grow up.

It's interesting to me that your main complaint here seems to be that he doesn't compliment you. How low is your self esteem? The lack of compliments is the least of your worries if your partner is eyeing up teenagers fgs.

We all get more physically unattractive as we age. It's just biology. Ignore him. He sounds a bit of a knob.

I find it really sad that OP is clearly in denial and not coming back to the thread. I hope to god she protects her girls.

TBH

Sounds like you are both a little invested in all this crap

@Changedforpost - yes, I know you were referring to your own partner, not the OP's. My point is that these sexist attitudes (and you yourself say your own partner "can be a little sexist) come from somewhere. If the OP's H brings up boys, they may pick up on the sexism and either be a full-on misogynist bell end, like their dad, or "a little sexist" like your OH. Personally, I don't put up with either.

@merryoldgoat:

OP was working so couldn't reply but has now read through all the messages and caught up :)

@everyone:

Thank you very very much everyone for your frank and sometimes quite brutal feedback. It has really helped me understand this situation from a greater range of perspectives than I could initially achieve.

Having said that, as with all things on the internet, my description of events has become polarised and narrowed into a caricature of what they actually are. Let's not let the internet take out all the shades of grey in the world. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things. There is no one clear morality and we should all be more understanding of things and people we don't know very well.

To clarify 1) somehow my partner has become a physically disgusting Harvey Weinstein on this thread! He's not, he's tall, angular, good looking and A LITTLE BIT overweight. He's big, tall, strong, has an excellent jawline, I imagine he was able to pull all the hottest girls when he was younger, which now contributes to his expectations of attractiveness now (I will come back to that) and also, he has a little bit of a belly. Trust me when he puts on a suit, there's no belly bulge and he's a very good looking guy.

2. He is less sexist that his reputation has burgeoned into on this thread, but he is still sexist. You guys have taken the ball and run with it in a major way! The examples I've given are the worst and the only. And I acknowledge it is bad enough as it is without the imagination of mumsnet blowing it out of all proportion. I have compromised on my core beliefs on sexism in the last few months while being with him, I have pulled him up on his attitude to his daughter and son. He is not in the slightest little bit any kind of inappropriate towards my daughter, he has become a loving and utterly brilliant stepfather and is more supportive of her sports activities because he sees her commitment to them. He says all the right stuff to encourage her to achieve as much as she can. His daughter is quite indifferent to her own activities, mainly I believe because her Dad didn't prioritise them over the years favouring his son, and this is something I have pulled him up on. She wanted to go swimming, I signed her up to the class because he didn't prioritise it. He's unhesitatingly paid all the fees but he still forgets to encourage her to go. It is really irritating. Rather than focusing on how he should be fixing his attitude to his daughter's sporting achievements, I have stepped in to remind him constantly to prioritise, but there is still the problem of his innate sexist attitude towards the achievements of boys v girls. Bear in mind he's nearly 50, so he's a bit of product of his generation, my partner is definitely on the crapper end of attitude to the opposite sex, a poor example in my opinion, I have not been out with someone quite so inherently sexist before, so, MAJOR PROBLEM ONE - NOTED.

3. He makes the derogatory comments about other women to me, ironically because he trusts me, he feels he can make totally honest comments about other people to me only because I am his safe space. Each time I react with both horror and hurt he is starting to get the idea that I find those particular private thoughts he has quite appalling. He does have a very juvenile and objectifying view of women than I would like. I think he would argue many men would admit to the same thoughts and that he's normal, I would counter that with, no - you're strange an inappropriate and you need to deeply consider why you judge women bodies the way you do and why you think one ideal of beauty sticks throughout life. As many people have noted men can often still have this attitude, the care worker example is a brilliant one: a friend of mine works in a care home and Oh My God the pervy old men who like the pretty care workers, it is disgusting, we can't uniformly deny men as they get older still appreciate attractive younger women, it is to varying degrees in their nature as well as a product of a patriarchal society, I'm not saying it's ok, just that it still is for me something that is part of an older generation. We see it in all the world, we can't deny there's a shedload of sugar daddies out there. My partner wouldn't attempt to go out with a woman so young, he wants a partner his own age with all the maturity and intellect that goes along with that. He does still admire the physical attributes of much younger WOMEN though and he does this far too much. Note: absolutely not underage, never ever, I get absolutely zero impression on that front. He needs to seriously reflect on why he still considers an ideal that is totally inappropriate for his age. He would argue he likes someone who is fit and healthy and that tends to be much easier when people are younger. But his expression of these thoughts is deeply unattractive and judgemental, bordering on disturbing. If he feels those are still appropriate ideals for a man his age - then that is incompatible with a relationship with me. MAJOR PROBLEM TWO - NOTED.

4. The feedback about how often your partner compliments you is very helpful for me. It is the thing that has made me the saddest through reading your responses. It is also something I am not prepared to compromise on. He is an over-sharer most of the time, talking about whatever the hell crosses his mind. That it doesn't cross his mind to verbally compliment me, is a MAJOR PROBLEM THREE. He does express his love in many ways, for example, I cannot describe the unadulterated love I feel when he holds my hand, which he does constantly. I also feel a need to learn from me, so perhaps there is hope that he is open to learning how so much of this shit is wrong. But still, major problem three, I cannot compromise on it. I just can't.

Since the beach body comment I have not spoken to him. When I pointed out what an awful thing it was to say, he apologised a couple of times, but I left him on the beach with the kids and went and cried for about an hour then went home (we do not yet live together yet, we're due to move in together in the next few months) and ignored him for 48 hours subsequent. He has sent a text since apologising, asking why I won't accept his apology and saying he doesn't know what else to say but again not thinking about any solution or offering any ideas on how to move forward. For a very intelligent man he is remarkably low on emotional intelligence and stubbornly refuses to use his brain in matters of the heart. He is really letting himself down. Currently he might be reflecting on his attitude, possibly. But I am certainly going to have to spell the various facets of this problem out to him.

Which, thanks to you guys, have become a lot clearer to me.

Solutions:

MAJOR PROBLEM ONE: He needs to fix his innate sexism. The best way I can think of him achieving this is for my influence to affect him, and not the other way around, which is what has been happening the last few months. It's frankly an exhausting idea, but I am prepared to try for now. I will present him with the set of things I expect change on - particularly with reference to how he treats girls and boys differently. He might be beyond hope on this one, but I can try in a structured way. He is a devoted and dedicated father who prioritises his children's happiness more than almost all dads I know. He is a stay at home Dad, he gave up a high powered job to raise them until secondary school. He will always go out and play with them if they ask. He dedicates his time and full attention to their happiness and has done so with my daughter too. They are his universe. For these deserves a chance and at least I will know I tried.

MAJOR PROBLEM TWO: He's not the first man to appreciate very fit and healthy women, and he's not the first to hold double standards for men and women. But if he maintains those ideas then it's not going to work out for us. Much as I wish I didn't have to - I will spoon feed this issue to him again. He needs to start looking at and appreciating women his own age and women of a similar physical appearance (of which, I am to him) if he can't - it's not going to work.

MAJOR PROBLEM THREE: I need the verbal feedback. I just do. I get that I've put on weight, and then also put on pregnancy weight and that I'm not his idea of a fit and sexy woman at the moment. Some guys find pregnant women really attractive, my partner doesn't. My god does it hurt. I will not tolerate his feeding any longer. Whether it is a subconscious or conscious tactic of his I'm not sure, but I will simply not eat meals with him and the children. It's going to be weird. The kids will find it weird and I will feel very anti-social. But I need to manage my own food without his influence. He puts all my favourite snacks in front of me, he does it because he wants to show love, he really is that stupid. I need to find the resolve from within on this one. A few months of me sticking with it and hopefully he will understand. But aside from what I can manage myself here, I need to make it abundantly clear he has to find a way to find me attractive and verbalise it. I have felt more confident in the last 48 hours than I have done in months. I think I look lovely. My instinct is, when I am finding myself more attractive, I imagine he will too. I haven't felt remotely confident the last few months. I am simply not prepared to feel that way any more. I'm not prepared to be with someone who doesn't think I am attractive and can't tell me regularly. I know people show love in different ways but this one is a non-negotiable for me. I will spell this out, and then work on my own self esteem and self management. If he can't do it, I'm done.

Thanks everyone for you sometimes very helpful understanding advice and sometimes phenomenally judgemental conclusion-jumping statements :) both helped to clarify my mind. The internet is a strangely black and white angry world, but I'm sending you all my thanks and a big hug.

You don't have to be ugly to be a lechy creep...even good looking blokes can be wrong uns.

Of course. Those were too separate points I was making.

Do you really want to be in the business of fixing people? He's been a misogynistic douchecanoe for over forty years. Why do you think a few months with your influence has changed him? Being married didn't change him, having a daughter of his own didn't change him. Don't give this "man" another moment of your time, and certainly don't move your poor daughter in with him.

Do not move in with this man, good looking guys can be bad too. If you are convinced he isca good guy, why ask for our help.Mumsnetters have given you examples of when they were in similar relationships, and how badly it ended. you have only been with this guy for a year and already you are having his baby,despite him showing you who he really is. You have been in a relationship with him for only a short time and already it is hard work and you feel like this,you should both be in the honeymoon stage. Start putting your DDS first, not what you want as your judgement is awfully skewed.

If you have to teach him to love you and to make you feel good, after this short period, it's a no!

He may not look like Harvey Weinstein from the outside, but he sure does from the inside, really you cannot fix these types of men.

I still think he’s horrible.

And I don’t think his age, nearly 50, is an excuse for his sexist views. My father is 85 and very traditional but has never expressed even the ‘subtle’ sexist attitudes you refer to such as, girls can’t do that. Not even on his radar even in the ‘60s and ‘70s.

If you don’t live with him I would not change that. What is he bringing to the table op? Food yes I know, but he’s weird about that. You say he is a sahd. What is he living on?

What MistressDee said. You've put your DD into a live-in situation with an abusive twat that you're determined to stick with but hey, you're getting your second kid so result. Hope you have the financial ability to support them both but I'd be surprised if you do.

OP I’m glad this thread has been useful.

But you could save yourself a lot of time, energy and heartache by accepting that he is not going to change now. He is 50. This is who he is, either it works for you or it doesn’t. He makes you feel like shit because that is who he is.

Your list involves a lot of work for you and none from him. I don’t see any sign that he is aware that there is even a problem let alone prepared to go to the effort to change ingrained habits of a lifetime. Do you understand what hard work and commitment that takes? It’s hard enough for anyone who is determine to change - but his attitudes aren’t hurting him, so why bother?

How bizarre to have to resort to not eating with him to be able to control portion size. What signals does that give to your DD? That he will not accept your boundaries to the point that you have to take yourself out of the situation. If his ex stayed whip thin then you can be sure she evaded his feeding, but perhaps that’s partly why they’re divorced.

Defending his sexism on the grounds of generation is really odd given his age - he’s the same age as me - we were all brought up with feminism. His attitude is a throwback to older generations and a personal conviction.

You have all these very serious issues with him, that are abusive, after only one year,DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN, and expose your DDS to this permanently. DO NOT MARRY HIM, you will be trapped with very difficult to escape.

Good luck OP - you’re in a mass of denial. Seriously. But a poster upthread commented I’m over invested and I think I am for a variety of personal reasons.

But I will say this: you, by your own admission, say he’s more interested in your daughter after a year, than he is in his own. I’m not saying he’s grooming her. He’s grooming YOU.

And yes, it’s normal to think younger fitter people are attractive but the comments are repugnant and you know that.

And ‘unadulterated love’ when he holds your hand? That’s just sad. You know when I feel unadulterated love?

When my husband makes my favourite dinner and pours me my favourite wine without me saying anything.

When he buys me a book he thinks I’ll like that he happened to see

When he reads my favourite book so we can talk about it

When he plays with our children

When he changes the bedlinen and puts a hot water bottle in the bed when I’m sick

Hand holding? You need to raise your expectations.

You need to start prioritising your kids over your need to feel love. It’s not ‘unadulterated’ is it? It’s massively adulterated by major, major issues. You’re kidding yourself to maintain a romantic fantasy at odds reality.

You have a husband problem not a weight problem.

He sounds like a total cunt. I couldn't tolerate anyone who makes snide comments about people in public like that. Why are you tolerating it?

Also why are you unable to say no to his food or portion sizes?

If he has that attitude at all he is not a 'better man than he sounds' - he is vile.

Why aren't you saying to him "don't you have anything better or nicer to do than tear people down?". I know people like him... they can't hold a proper conversation for love nor money they just make observations and nasty passing comments finding fault. I fear his mother or father were probably the same as it IS learned behaviour.

Don't be surprised if your children and his become the same.

Yes do not put yourself first, put your dds first! YOu already made a decision without thinking properly by having this baby, do not make another mistake by moving in with him and marrying him, not when there are so many problems in only one year. Problems that are quite big, and difficult to fix. As somebody has said, you are doing all the work, what is he doing?

Your first point alone makes me sick. LTB.

Guys, calm down.

@alphabravo - he's a very gregarious extraverted person who is very good at holding a conversation.

@leftrightcentre "You've put your DD into a live-in situation with an abusive twat that you're determined to stick with but hey, you're getting your second kid so result. Hope you have the financial ability to support them both but I'd be surprised if you do"

Have you actually read my posts? 1) We don't live together and 2) yes I run my own successful business.

@merryoldgoat. For brevity I gave one example of how he expresses his love. If you would like some more:

My partner also reads books I've recently read and commented on so we can discuss.

I've made it abundantly clear he invests time and energy playing with all the kids.

He runs out to the shop any time of the day or night for anything I need, even when I'm not unwell.

He is always ready at the end of the working day with cool water footpath, a foot massage and (an overly large) beautifully cooked dinner of something he knows I will love.

He runs errands for my friends as well as me, he walks all over town doing stuff we need done while we're working and kids are at school.

Shades of grey guys, shades of grey. Let's all take a deep breath and not be angry at people we don't know on the internet.