Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

Your share split between your own DC is fine and DP to split equally between all of his DC is fair. If DSC mother has any property then that would go to DP’s and her children.

Having been through the process of sorting out the estate of several close and not so close relatives , my strongest advice would be for everyone to have a will. Even if they don't now have much to leave, the mere existence of a will makes the admin so much easier than without.

Especially at the time of heightened emotions which characterises the aftermath of a death, it is very much kinder for whoever is arranging probate to have a will.

Please, make a will

When you marry if your partner has children from a previous relationship you take them on and become a blended family. The house should be split equally between all the children.

You need to make a will and leave each other life interest in any property and leave the half on the death of surviving partner to whoever you want

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies OP if you have already been asked this but what are your DPs views on this?

My mum & Step dad have 6 children between them.

My mum has 3 from previous marriage, Dad has 2 children from previous marriage & they have 1 together.

We are all grown with children of our own, & they’d been together for 25 years when he died 5 years ago.

The estate went to my mum in its entirety. When she dies, it will be split equally 6 ways.

@Lalala2018 That’s a very simplistic view and on that reasonsing partners kids would be better off as they would have share of OP’s and their dad’s property equal tot hag of OP’s child / children PLUS whatever their mothers leaves to them

When you marry if your partner has children from a previous relationship you take them on and become a blended family. The house should be split equally between all the children

It doesn’t work like that. Stepchildren still have another parent. How far do you take blended? Should the stepchildrens mother also split her property equally between all the siblings, whether they are hers biologically or not? Surely she can’t leave her childs brothers and sisters out of her will? That’s effectively what you’re asking the stepmother to do.

Should a stepdad also split his property between stepchildren and his own? Stepchildren could end up inheriting from 4 adults!

As pointed out earlier, it isn’t equal as stepchildren will inherit from 3 adults, bio children only 2. To my mind it is fairer for each set of children to inherit from their 2 biological parents only.

To simplify- i have parental responsibility for 2 children, dh has 4. I will leave my share to the children i have pr for, to ensure their continued wellbeing. If the stepdc’s mother does the same, then all siblings end up with exactly the same share.

So actually, there should also be a conversation between dh and his ex to ensure they are both on the same page, and one isn’t expecting more inheritance than they are likely to get.

People seem to not get that what’s fair is necessarily equality in every situation. Equity, not equality.
People always say “it doesn’t matter what happens at their other home / with their other family” but I disagree. It does need to be taken into consideration when children of the family expect to ingeeit from 3 parents, and the others from two.
It seems in step families that the children of the first relationship are considered more important than subsequent children on MN and they should always benefit even if it’s to the detriment of their half-siblings simply because their parents are no longer together
I don’t think stepparents should have to share their inheritance with step children if it means their own children get less.
I wouldn’t expect my DP to give anything to my DCs and he doesn’t expect me to with his

expect to *inherit I mean

is not necessarily equality.
I need to proof read 🤦🏼‍♀️

Nephews and Nieces aren't the same as your stepchildren. Marraige means sharing everything. Do your own children deserve a better future than your stepchildren? It's favouritism. If somebody married me I would expect them to consider the future of my children just as much as their own. The other parents are irrelevant to that marraige.

I would absolutely leave my stepchildren an equal share to my own children. You married somebody with children, if you don't want the bother, get with a childless man/woman.

@Lala2018 I don’t think you actually consider what you are saying or consider the implications. Never mind nephews and nieces. What about be point that several PPs have made? It means the children from the first relationship inherit from 3 or four parents while subsequent children only 2. It’s fair enough if you have such a close relationship with SC that you want to do it but being a good step parent doesn’t mean disadvantaging your own children.

My ex is now married to someone who will inherit a LOT of money.. They're leaving everything split between her daughter and his (and my) son. She's an incredibly fair and generous woman; it means her grandchildren will get much less.

Horrible as it sounds you need to think about what happens if just one of you dies if you leave your share to the other - it could end up with the children from one side getting everything and the other nothing if the survivor doesnt make a will - talk about it between you then go and get specialist legal advice from a solicitor.

Lalala the other parents are irrelevant to the marriage but not to the family as a whole and the children within it. I think you’re incredibly naive to think otherwise.

Equity is what’s needed, doing what is fair for each person’s overall set of circumstances. Equality is an artificial form of “fairness” but isn’t always what’s best for each individual in the family, I don’t know why that is so difficult to understand?

My DD has no contact with her dad and we don’t receive a penny from him. My DP’s children will be supported financially and inherit from their parents, my DD and DS will from me. If I then decide to split my savings/inheritance 4 ways then my SCs gain whilst my DD in particular is at a greater disadvantage.

When you go into a relationship already having children then you have to ensure that none of the children that are part of that relationship are any worse off than if their parents were single. That’s how we equate it in our relationship... my SCs are not worse off at all by my relationship with their father (either emotionally or financially) both in the present and in the future.
However if I apply your black and white rules with regards to step families then my DD will end up much worse off in the long run. Do you see how it isn’t so clear cut?

Do your own children deserve a better future than your stepchildren? It's favouritism.

Well if the stepchild gets 3 or 4 lots of inheritance, it’s definitely not their half sibling who will be getting the “better future”. In fact they will be causing their half sibling to have less of a future while they are enjoying up to 4 lots of inheritance. Tell me again how that’s favouring the younger sibling? I wouldn’t do that to my child. You might be able to but I couldn’t.
Like Winosaurus said, children born from the first marriage must always come first to everyone according to MN.

Better to just stick with the child’s actual parents instead of muddying the waters.

However, both DP and I are only children so one day we are both in line to inherit are parents homes.

So when your DP inherits a house he can split that between his children and when you inherit a house you can split it between your children? Then split your hypothetical house 5 ways.

Don't count on inheriting, remember nursing home costs.

I didn't chose to have four children. DP did. At the end of the day, I'm not responsible to make sure they are cared for when I pop my clogs. They have their own mother and father to do this!

I chose to have one child. I don't want to have any more myself because I don't want the child I have to lose out.

But you chose to have your only child with a man who already has 3 children - so your DC is not an only child.

It doesn't seem fair to me that your DPs share is split 4 ways, and your share isn't split at all.

I sort of get that you don't want to share your half with your DSCs, but if I think in that situation, I'd want his share split 3 ways, not 4. Have you thought that you'd be storing up resentment between your DC and his siblings?

*But you chose to have your only child with a man who already has 3 children - so your DC is not an only child.

Sorry. just realised he already had 4 DCs, not three!

Your DP might surprise you - he might fine with you spliting your estate only one way, and him splitting his 5 ways. What I said on my last post might actually be offensive to him - he might want to split his 5 ways and be happy with what you want to do with your money.

We get 50/50 each.

That then splits between our own children

Upside of all this just makes me realise how lovely dp is in that the will is split equally across the assortment of kids. We both wouldn't want the other spouse to feel any set of children were being favoured just on genetics. As he said 'our children haven't done anything to earn more money than yours'.

@ArsenalsPlayingAtHome I spoke to DP and his first thought was that it would split equally between all the kids.

However, when I explained my perspective, he was fine for me to leave my half to just my child if that's what I wanted.

But who knows, when (or if) the time comes I might feel completely differently.

That's a good outcome, Calliebirds.