Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

I personally would advise you to do these things sooner than later.

You can always update the will when you're buying the house...

Luckily I’ll never be in this position but instinct tells me all children should form an equal part of the family and inherit equal amounts regardless of biology. I can’t see uneven splits causing anything but discord and resentment.

You need to see a solicitor, and make wills now. Then do it again after any significant events such as buying a house, inheriting a large amount etc.

it really doesn't matter what you think is "fair" - there are laws about these things and if you don't abide by the law, your kids could all end up in court fighting over it. Save them the grief and see a solicitor now.

There are laws? I didn't know that, what are they, Stella?

I have previous children and when we sorted out our wills etc a while ago it didn't even come up and it was just a given that any estate would be split equally across mine and our children. Hadn't thought of it like that and I know it shouldn't come into it but I guess dh has been generous as he is a high earner and I wouldn't have been able to be a home owner on my own and yet my eldest dc could inherit a decent amount.

I just couldn't imagine that dh would feel comfortable doing it any other way.

Luckily I’ll never be in this position but instinct tells me all children should form an equal part of the family and inherit equal amounts regardless of biology. I can’t see uneven splits causing anything but discord and resentment

My kids are still young. Stepdc are grown up.

If dh and i die, my kids are orphans, with no income or support. Leaving my house to them means their guardian will have funds to buy a larger house themselves to accommodate 2 more kids, money for school uniform, university etc.

Step dc will have lost their dad, and will be devastated, but do not need the financial support in the same way. They also will still have a surviving parent to support them financially.

For the same reason if I die my house and asset share go to dc, not dh. Although i trust dh, if he dies intestate or loses capacity it is not impossible he may die and leave everything to his kids, or an equal share, leaving our young dc having to sell their house and leaving them little to survive on.

When all the children are adults i may rethink. But logically, i see an uneven split as fair- our dc will get my assets plus 50% of their dads, step dc will get their mums assets plus 50% of their dads.

An even split means my share of the assets also get distributed to stepdc- so of the 3 adults involved (me, mum, dad) stepdc will get 75% each, our kids get 25%. Still not an even split.

Plus taking into account that anything they inherit from mum, the house, savings etc, was originally owned 50% by dh anyway. He left all his assets in that marriage, and hasn’t been able to build up that level of assets again.

When chidren are dependent it is different. When they are adult you need to think how uneven wills impact on relationships. They are very divisive. The house needs to be owned as tenants in common rather than joint tenants if you want to keep your half ownership separate. You need a solicitor to sort a will out . Are you close to the step children?

I have a dd from a prior marriage and my current dh and I have a child together. He’s been in dds life since she was 3 (which I think makes a difference as compared to grown up sc as he takes on a dad role on a daily basis)

We’re both splitting everything equally between both children (after we both die) even though dd stands to possibly inherit off her father too (although you can’t guarantee these things and he has additional children too).

My dh says he hates the thought that she’d see herself as less loved within our family if he didn’t leave equally to her. I’m very glad he feels that way as I think if he wanted to leave everything to “his” child it would be a deal breaker for me.

I think it would be a deal breaker for a lot of people, it's so divisive and the message it conveys is very hurtful.

I can't see it causing anything but hurt if you do anything other than account for all children from both of you fairly.

It's all well logic-ing it out as 'this child is still dependant' and what not but the reality is you're leaving a legacy of 'you're not as important'.

As DH points out our children are no more deserving of a bigger slice, they've done nothing to earn a bigger cut than my previous dc. He also adds that he'd hope I would have told him to fuck off at the first sign of him favouring our dc over mine in such a way.

It's all well logic-ing it out as 'this child is still dependant' and what not but the reality is you're leaving a legacy of 'you're not as important'.

No, those of us splitting it 50/50 and then dividing it between the respective dc are saying "to your dad, you are all of equal importance because he is dad to all of you". I find it remarkable that step mothers often get no say in discipline, no real say in raising the child, get told to butt out if they dare tread on mum's toes in any way, or try to parent said step child, yet are still expected to provide equally for their stepchildren after death. My stepdaughters will inherit from their mother (they will, we've spoken about that - she and her dh are making very similar arrangements for their respective dc), as well as their father. My dc will inherit once, from dh and I. They'll inherit similar amounts in total, we haven't just sucked a finger and held it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing. Since being their step mum for the past 16 years they have always been treated equally in life - birthdays, Christmases, driving lessons etc, financial assistance now step dc are adults, they have a front door key and stay whenever they like. They know this and we have a good relationship. But I am not their mum, nor have I ever tried to be.

It may be different if they felt like mine, had lived with us full time or the majority of the time and they had been raised with us truly equally and they felt like mine too. But they haven't and they aren't. They are equal in the eyes of dh, and that's the message they'll receive in our wills. I love them dearly, they know this - and I will leave them something of sentimental value to show them this. But they inherit financially from the person who brought them into the world, is primarily responsible for them (besides their own mum) and loves them as his own. He has other policies to bump the inheritance up for them too.

I know on paper it looks right but it wouldn't feel right to do it. Me and dh are a unit. All cash in one pot and all divided out form one pot. The same way if I inherit it's mine and dh's. I wouldn't see it as mine.

Maybe dh is unusual. Thinking about it I couldn't have imagined him doing it another way. And had he had previous dc I would have felt the pot should be shared equally to all dc.

It's interesting to read other people's ways of seeing it. I can only say I'm relieved me and dh see it same way as can imagine how difficult of one spouse wants the pot treated as two.

And anyway, it's all a moot point what with care costs/ageing population etc etc!

And anyway, it's all a moot point what with care costs/ageing population etc etc!

I agree with this, and it shouldn't be something we stress about for that reason.

There is another aspect to this, though. Feelings are running high when a family member passes away and there can be big falling outs over what isn't a big pot at all when one or more of the parties involved feel they have been hard done by.

When my uncle passed away childless, his estate went to his long-term partner. There wasn't all that much left in the end, but this caused a massive rift in the family. My other uncle's widow was really put out and wanted to contest it, as did my cousins (they had always maintained that the partner was a gold digger). My DM wouldn't be drawn in to this and neither did my siblings or I. As a result, they don't want any contact with us. (They live in the US so it doesn't exactly impact us much, though it's sad.)

My other uncle's widow was really put out and wanted to contest it, as did my cousins (they had always maintained that the partner was a gold digger).

Oh the irony!

"When you get into a relationship with someone with kids you have to accept them as part of your family".

You do, but it doesn’t mean they have an instant entitlement to everything belonging to the stepparent.

Never thought about this before- I'm a second wife, DH has a son from prev marriage and we have 2 together. But 'we' have 3 children. They don't see each other as half siblings and I just assume our estate would be split equally 3 ways and I don't begrudge that at all. We're a family.

I think the word 'begrudge' is a bit judgemental. Peoples situations are different.

I'd think very hard about the implications of your mum leaving her estate to your son. My mum did this. 1 have 4 DC, 2 have ASD and I'm worried for their vulnerability on inheriting a significant amount of money. If they choose to squander it that's their right but I worry they will tell people and get manipulated. The will states 21 but there is a possibility they can take it at 18. Or possibly 16 which is the legal age in Scotland. Even for my NT children I wonder how helpful it will actually be to come in to a large amount at a time in life I'd hope they'll be making career choices etc. Hopefully they'll be sensible but there's no guarantee.

We're not having anymore DC but if we did they wouldn't get anything and there's no way we could make up the difference.

It's obviously a difficult situation but I think you should get some impartial advice and consider all angles. If it would be your only way of being able to buy and that's something you want, I think you'd be unwise to miss out because you don't want to have the hard conversation with your partner.

You need to be listed as tenants in common (I think). That allows you both to decide what to do with your % I.e. your 50% could be left to your DC only with DP living there for his life time but he could leave his 50% to all 5 DC with you able to live there in your lifetime... your solicitor would be able to draw it up

I'm wondering what people would make of a thread started by a stepchild saying that they think they are entitled to a share of a stepparent's assets.

My dad and stepmother own their house, which was inherited from her mother - it was left to the siblings and my dad and stepmother bought everyone else out. Stepmother owns 75% and my dad owns 25%. Dad and stepmother have a child, who will inherit the 75% from her mum. The 25% my dad owns will be split between me and my sibling from his first marriage and also our half-sibling, so I'll get 8.3% and my half-sibling will get that plus the 75%. To me, this is fair - the property came via inheritance and will continue to be passed on as such.

I think its almost impossible to decide what is right for every possible situation in the future, and you and your DP need to make decisions based on what is right for say the first 10-15 years after you buy house. I redo my will every decade, for example grandparents getting older etc. have to be factored in, one child now left school. Firstly assuming you're average age health chances of you buying a house and then both dying are slim so assume you will have to Inherit at least 1/3 of your DP whole estate, not just house share , if he were to die. and vice versa. My understanding is and you need to make sure you get legal advice, is he cant essentially write you out of his will by leaving all his share to kids. you don't want to agree something that is not legal. And say he dies and you were rearing your child in house and his kids owned half and wanted to sell, what would you do? I assume his kids are older than yours, so what if one has left school has a job living in a flat, and wants their share for a holiday ( I'm being facetious just an example) while another still at school and still a fair bit of raring to be done

And while you might consider his kids are getting short end of stick if they inherit a smaller portion, but in the horrific in the case you were to both die I assume kids his still have a home with their mum, but if you both died where does your child live? are you expecting a guardian to rare them on 1/5th value of a house.

@FrayedHem is making a very good point, OP. When our F died, my DSis and I received a portion of the inheritance each, which we used to get on the property ladder; the bulk went to my DM obviously. My DB, though, didn't receive any money directly because of his MH issues. He would have squandered all of it, and he would also have lost his benefits. And he could easily have been exploited as he had very poor judgement of character. So I've been holding shares in my name on his behalf.

We're going to have to deal with my DB's care once my DM is no longer with us or needs long-term care. It's a complication for her to figure out in her will too. But at least his PIP has finally been approved so he'll be all right now.

There are so many issues to consider when deciding what you should do with your estate. And circumstances will inevitably change over time.