Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

Me and do have 7 kids between us, 1 dc is ours together.
We have it so it's divided half for our dc and the other half split 6 ways, so for example 125k for our dc and the others 25k each. We have done it this way as our dc with another parent will inherit quite highly whereas our dc only has us.

How about your mum leave part of her estate directly to her grandson. Then the money from your combined house could be split 5 ways.

calliebirds you are not a monster!

Your relationship with these children is via your partner. If you and he split up, would you still be pondering how much to give them?

It's actually not a 'blood' thing, it's a my child thing. If the kids had no mum and you had brought them up, blood relationship or not, I am sure they would be, in your mind, your 'children'.

One of my kids is adopted. He is completely my child. His inheritance will better same as his sister, our birth child.

Someone said, pages back, that if the family was together a long time then you may feel differently, and this might be true, or if they lived with you full time.

But you are not their mum and you are not a monster. My only advice is talk to them if and when you get a house and do not lead them to assume they will necessarily get anything substantial. I inherited virtually nothing of my mother's 3 bed London house because it paid for her care. They need to understand that you don't always get to leave money and to make their own savings.

In case anyone thinks I am being a notch OP said "And actually it makes me feel like some kind of monster by making it a mine and his thing"

I do think these decisions regarding inheritance can have a deeper meaning and do send out a message. I think someone who is happier in their role as a stepparent is more likely to want to leave even just a token amount to their stepchildren. For some people, giving their stepchildren anything would probably feel like the final insult after a lot of upset over the years.

Being a bitch

A bitch not a notch, in my post!

Your not going to both die as parents at the same time.
So if you went first half the house would be put in your child's name.
If the dad went first. You would own half the house and all 5 children would claim a fifth of the half left to Inherit. You would get his pension, and should have enough to pay everyone their share..

Your not going to both die as parents at the same time

Whilst unlikely in the natural scheme of things, a car accident or a plane coming down when parents go on a weekend away together and children have lost both their parents. It’s not impossible and is a scenario that needs to be considered when making a will.

She wouldn't necessarily get his pension unless named as the beneficiary. They aren't married.

@cptartapp His Pension is pittance at the moment as he's only been putting in to it for four years but he's already made arrangements for it to go to his children when he dies. He hasn't added our son onto it yet though.

Probably not relevant but I was looking at the sums to see if we ought to separate our finances rather than both of our incomes going into a shared pot once I return to work full time but, I didn't realise, if we did that I'd be down - £100 a month and my DP would be + about £80 a month.

OP I wrote yesterday on this thread in support of your suggestion. I've just caught up and in my opinion you have had some harsh replies.

Please do not feel that you are a monster, what you are feeling is natural. There is no one size fits all in these situations.

What you are suggesting is not unusual - one friend has just inherited less than her step siblings (a share of her fathers share in a property) and feels this was fair. Another friend will inherit similar to her step siblings but that is because her DM and step dad own separate rental properties and she is inheriting only from her mother's assets. She has never thought about getting anything from her step dad even though they are very close.

Maybe you could consider something sentimental left to them? For example I am leaving some expensive pieces of jewellery to my DSC but my DD will get jewellery gifted to me by my GP's.

The husband's half share of the house is his to do with as he wishes. It isn't for him to decide what OP does with her half.

While I absolutely see your point , in practice it does tend to depend on how the house is held, whether jointly or as tenants in common. Another reason to have valid wills....

@Licketysplits without a will....

@Grenoble124

I dont understand your logic of 'this is only if we both die.'

If you have no will and you die first, your DH gets the first 250k and half of the remaining estate, leaving the remaining 50% to your DS. Depending on how much your estate is worth, relative to 250k, DS could get nothing?

Your DH could then write a will so that your DSS gets everything he has when he dies (its not obvious from your posts whether your DS is also his)

Thus your DS could get very little, even nothing. Surely you would be better writing a will giving your half of everything to your son, if that is what you want. You can include for your DH staying in the house (assuming you jointly own one) for a given time.

Everyone should have a will regardless of how much they have to leave. It makes life easier for those left behind.

As you can well tell from the responses, there no "right" answer.
You say it's hypothetical right now ..... but you could win the lottery next week and where would you all stand?
Arguably it gets a bit more interesting if we're sharing a £10m inheritance, rather than £100 ..... but the point remains.

I think you need to get something agreed in writing now, and accept that the situation may change in the future.

You're talking about what your son may / may not inherit versus the step-children. But without a will right now, it's irrelevant what either of you think as any assets will be distributed in accordance with what's defined in law. Which will solve the problem for you - but depending on marital status at the time, possibly not solved how you'd want.

You talk about your mother's money being the only game-changer ...... but that's only an "if" or "maybe". Although you probably think it unlikely, she could leave her money to cat & dog home. Any party could earn a fortune ..... or spend it. You've no guarantees. I'd lessen my focus on it. If she's reasonably switched on herself, she'll have thought about her DGS being the beneficiary rather than you anyway, if her feelings are as you describe.

So that maybe means you update your will as the years go by. God forbid, but something could happen which might mean one of those involved might need more financial support through no fault of their own, where you might consider it "fair" that they get a bigger share. In time, bearing in mind you've only known the DSC 3 years, you may change your view about their "share" as you come to know them more & spend more time with them. Or not. You may wish to consider the earlier point about how much each partner contributed to the estate, relative to when they died if estate is paid out in trust years later (by which time, more partners & children could have been involved .... sorry, that's not supposed to sound crass).

I'd echo some earlier points, that "fair" and "equal" are not the same. Also, don't underestimate the VALUE of the relationships.

I have 4 DC and two SDC. We have arranged in our Wills that our estate will be split into 5th's, with the SDC's sharing one 1/5th. The reason being is that they will inherit from their mother too - our DC's don't have a third parent so they each receive a 1/5th.

Before we had children I would have said it should be split equally, however I now feel (as does DH) that we would be disadvantaging our DC's.

No right answer. Each to their own!

Your solution in your OP is what my sister and BIL have decided on in the same situation and it seems fair to me.

@ApricotExpat

I must say, this does not make sense to me.

It would be fairer (imo....) to divide your DH's assets (or 1/2 of your joined wealth) through 6 and yours through 2...

But I'm not involved in this situation so it obviously doesn't concern me.

It may also be more complicated if one of you is a much higher earner etc.

@MeyMary

I can see why it might not make sense, however it's more complicated due to businesses etc.

Also, in some countries, if you permanently reside there, then there is a formula already in place to ensure that SC are not left out of inheritance. So we've abided by those rules too.

So I just tactfully found out what DP thinks. Told him at some point we need to sort out wills, especially if we own our own home one day. Managed to ask how he would split without revealing my own wishes and he said "split it evenly between all the kids I suppose". I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't agree. Especially as it's only hypothetical at this stage anyway. Didn't see the point in upsetting him or causing an argument over something that might not ever become a reality.

Well he probably will split his bit between them all, so he is only saying what you would expect him to say.

As you say, its hypothetical at the moment but you should make a will if you haven't got one and ideally go and see a solicitor. If you are not married your assets will go to your child if you die intestate (I believe) and if you are everything goes to your husband, so either way you need to do something.

I'm a "step child" in this situation. My step mum (whom I love like a mother) has 3 children from a previous marriage. Her wishes are to divide the estate between 4 of us and my dad is adamant he wants it 50/50 to him and her to share out.
He thinks it's grossly unfair I get 1/4.

While it would benefit me to receive 50% of the estate when he dies, I can see my dsm point of view.

I suspect in the end I will be lucky to get 1/4.

I think it boils down to how many children you have vs how many your partner has from a previous relationship. It would be fair to say that if the roles were reversed and you had 3 kids and your DH had 1, you'd want it shared equally.

Personally I think it's awful to favour one child over the rest. When you get into a relationship with someone with kids, you have to accept them as part of your family. None of this us vs them attitude. It will only cause bitterness and hurt.

So as a step child myself, I'd go with even split. It's the right and fair thing to do imho.

@ADarkandStormyKnight Have now spoken to him properly and he does understand my perspective.

I will at some point soon look to sorting a will and possibly even life insurance.

It might be.a good idea to do the life insurance first. A will's pretty pointless when you've got no money.