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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how much child maintenance you get?

156 replies

Ellen7262 · 01/09/2018 18:07

Just a rough figure. DD's dad contributed £40 a month for the first two months after we split and since then sweet fuck all. I have absolutely no clue how much a father should be paying for his child and no idea even where to start on getting him to pay.

He is NC with her, however his DM makes a big effort with her. If he's on a similar wage now to what he was at the time I was with him then he will be around the £40k mark.

Side note - I am financially comfortable even without payments from him, WIBU to claim if I don't technically need the money?

OP posts:
silvercuckoo · 02/09/2018 15:32

@Stupomax
The difference between the US system and the UK one is that the court cannot impute earnings (or potential earnings) in the UK.
So the "abundance of jobs" argument does not hold here. My ex is a high earner, but CSA were able to catch him receiving salary income only once. Dividends from his own limited company where he is the single owner, director and employee? Nah does not count. Redundancy package of £60K? It was last month ma'am, now he is unemployed and on the breadline. Then overseas. Then on a long term unpaid sabbatical. Then on parental leave. Then unemployed again. Then overseas again.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 02/09/2018 15:39

Supposed to get €50 a week (ex lived in Ireland, we live in the UK). It's court ordered and the amount hasn't changed in the 7 odd years since it was set up. However he can go months without paying anything. The usual amount of time is about 6 or so weeks then he back pays some of it and starts all over again. He thinks I spend it on myself and once stated that the school photos he ordered (extortionate prices) were to be payed for by me because he gives me maintenance and that's what it's for. He's honestly scum.

WickedLazy · 02/09/2018 15:44

It was £17 p/w for one ds, no overnight visits, then the maintenence people re-calculated in July and it should be £34 a week, (which I told them months before when he changed jobs and hours, but they told me I had to wait until the renewal period). Have been paid the old amount for just over a month, so he owes me about £85 atm. Will have to ring them tomorrow again, I thought he'd have sorted this by now ffs. His excuse is they have to contact his bank but haven't, told him I'm not daft and know he's not either, all he needs to do is change the direct debit amount and if he contacted his bank or the maintenence people, they could confirm this.

inabeautifulplace · 02/09/2018 15:46

I earn similar to your Ex and give £400 a month, plus pay for childcare and we're probably 50/50 on other things. Have DD about 3 days a week. Ex is not highly paid so for me it guarantees that my daughter can have a fun and interesting time whoever she's with.

It is, I agree, fucking disgusting that it's so easy to avoid supporting your own kids. Happy to say I don't know anyone like that that I'm aware of, but I couldn't maintain respect for anyone selfish enough to do that. Also annoys me that hitting the CSA figure is seen as admirable. It's a bloody minimum level!

mishfish · 02/09/2018 15:49

So my ex. Told CSA he was on £26k and they calculated as £189.90 and he kindly rounded it up to £190 as a ‘gesture of goodwill’ 😂

Received a £13k payrise that he didn’t declare and it’s been calculated that he should now pay £388 a month. He hasn’t changed the amount and now it’s going to be taken directly from his pay, as well as 3 months worth of appears for the difference and a 20% fee on top... wouldn’t you have just changed the standing order in the first place? 🤦🏻‍♀️

He’s not allowed any contact

mishfish · 02/09/2018 15:50

*arrears not appears

** no contact due to safeguarding, not because of maintenance

siblingrevelryagain · 02/09/2018 15:54

What do all the partners/girlfriends/wives of these men who don’t pay for their kids think do you reckon? It would be a deal breaker for me if I met a man who didn’t want to contribute. Its certainly not an attractive quality

pallisers · 02/09/2018 15:59

OP it's not up to you to decide how much she needs when she's 18. She is entitled to that money and it is for her benefit. I don't think giving it to charity is acceptable. Just go through CSA and put it into savings.

Actually it is up to the OP when the money is being saved by the OP. Any maintenance paid by the father is owed to the mother in order to support the child - it isn't money belonging to the child. In this case the OP is supporting the child 24/7. If she wants to save some money for her child and also wants to give some money to charity, it is entirely up to her.

Personally there is no way I would save a ton of money for an 18 year old in her name - would not want her to be able to access it at 18. I would save my money so I could help by daughter with a deposit eventually or driving lessons/car or by not being a drag on her when I am older.

mishfish · 02/09/2018 16:01

@sibling an ex got in touch with me over the abuse she received and it transpired that he told her that he pays £500+ to me every month (when he was paying £190) and that I treat him like a cash cow, also pays towards my other two (not his) because my other half is lazy and unemployed (not lazy and fully employed) and that I’m also a lazy benefit scrounger (also not true 🙄)

Onedayy · 02/09/2018 16:09

The ones who don’t pay would never make it common knowledge.

SpeckledDot · 02/09/2018 16:12

None :(

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/09/2018 16:27

The ones who don’t pay would never make it common knowledge

I disagree. I have come across a number of men from very different walks of life who have been very vocal about their refusal to pay maintenance. What they had in common is an irrational hatred of the ex.

Graphista · 02/09/2018 16:41

Can I just say that while you are comfortably off now you really DON'T know what's around the corner?

When I split from my ex it was initially tough financially but I was in good health and at that time had no reason to think I wouldn't in the near future be able to provide for her.

By the time she was 8 I was very unwell AND disabled (car accident - can happen to ANYONE) and unable to work.

ANYTHING can happen. Without warning.

Save the money by all means but be aware that your circumstances can change in an instant.

Back to op...

My ex was supposed to pay £60pw he paid erratically and unreliably, so much so that I never inc cm in my regular budget just as a 'bonus' whenever it did come in.

By that calculation (and that was from 15 years ago) he owes £1000's but it'll never get sorted.

To pp who mentioned - it doesn't get backdated (imo it should because these guys KNOW they owe it and the proof is in the existence of the child) only dated to when claimant first makes a claim - so op claim ASAP.

Cm depts do not use the sanctions they have available to use NEARLY enough! Took until my dd was 16 to get them to listen and do a DOE for us (he worked out their 'system' and whenever they were on the verge of doing this he'd make a single payment which meant they'd say 'oh well he's paying' took me years to get to I was working with a senior manager who looked at the FULL history to see that what I was saying about him playing their system was true and then the very next time he didn't pay (just 2 months later) he got the DOE in place. They don't listen to claimants PLUS it's ridiculous that you never get to speak to the same claim handler twice! They should look at the FULL history of the payee's actions! - actually I personally think the VERY first time they don't pay unless there's a damn good provable reason why not DOE should be done then. Actually it should be DOE from beginning - can't think of a reason why not).

Babyjake and others dealing with self employed exs - cms can investigate if they are living according to the means they CLAIM to have or are clearly earning more than they claim. You could also contact inland revenue and report you think they're not reporting their full taxable earnings (which is what cms look at for calculations - they're both in hmrc dept).

At one point my ex was claiming he was unemployed AND not claiming benefits (living off 2nd wife's earnings) but he's a bit thick/arrogant and I discovered he WAS working so told csa this and they were able to verify re income tax (in his case it was a regular job with a nationwide company who wouldn't not pay income tax) and then were able to do a new calculation (still had issues with irregular payment).

I believe they can't check this unless they have a report that he's working and lying ie they don't check everyone randomly, but as soon as someone tells them they are believed to be working they can request a check of tax records.

Lalalalyra - I too found it slightly easier when ex was still in army as it's frowned upon to behave like this and against regs to accumulate debt. But once he left it got much harder.

My ex is very well off and has a large detached house in an expensive part of the country, new car every year, latest tech, several holidays a year, yet begrudges dd any money for necessities and had no problem letting me use cm to cover travel costs when he was still deigning to see her. Currently he hasn't seen her for several years due to apathy on his part.

Postino - the reverse seems to be true now, too many men take a disgusting pride in how LITTLE they pay, how 'clever' they are in 'not paying that bitch ex anything' wilfully ignoring the fact the money is for THEIR children.

Not helped by the fact that there are too many women who are not only willing to turn a blind eye to their partner not paying cm but actually begrudge it if he does, as is often said on here - they are of the wrong impression that if/when he splits with them he will treat them exactly the same. There's been numerous threads by 2nd wives/partners bemoaning the fact their ex doesn't pay cm only for it to be revealed at some stage that he never paid their 1st wife/partner either and that this suited THEM perfectly well while they were with them. So hypocritical.

We need for cm to be MUCH better enforced AND for it to become socially unacceptable for nrps to do this. Nrps are usually men but I know of a few families where it's female nrps and they can be just as bad.

I agree - the lack of discussion, especially challenge is a big issue. I personally won't associate with anyone I know to not be paying not even as a friend and have challenged then friends on non payment - and that was even before I split from mine.

Stupomax we hear a lot in uk how the USA are generally more stringent than here. I wish it were stricter here. I bet if being arrested - especially at work

Tinysalmon - why do you begrudge your partners child the money? It's been decided by a court that's a fair amount, you say he's a high earner so it's not like he's missing out on anything as a result (and frankly even if he were that's what decent parents do for their DC)

Silvercuckoo - not sure if it's new since you last investigated but I was looking into the dividend side for another poster and they are or should be taken into account now.

Siblingrevelry - some of their subsequent partners resent the DC and the ex and feel the money should be spent on them/their life together - see it on here more often than you'd think.

My ex was telling his parents and now 2nd wife initially that he was paying me cm and told them a bonkers high amount too! When I learned they thought this to be the case I corrected their info with proof. At this point he still listened to them/cared what they thought. Gradually that's stopped. His 2nd wife, despite having been (unwittingly) ow has actually always been perfectly nice to me and dd. Even though he no longer sees dd she stays in touch and sends gifts/cards, but ultimately nice though that is, she is not responsible for dd. His parents are utterly ashamed of him and have had several fallings out with him about his behaviour to dd. His father (who was a divorcé when he met his mum with one from previous marriage) doesn't understand it at all. For his generation such behaviour would have been
shameful. He's almost 90.

Onedayy - on the contrary, some are very proud of having 'played the system' as they see it.

sexnotgender · 02/09/2018 17:04

Absolutely hee haw.

Been separated for 6 years and he sees her maybe once every 6 weeks.

Totally his choice I've never tried to keep him from her.

rightknockered · 02/09/2018 17:05

Ex owes my thousands, CMS have contacted him to pay the arrears, but have done nothing about him not paying. He is still not paying the amount he should be. He also insists that I am not allowing him to see the dc, but he sets up ridiculous times such as after 7 until midnight, cancels at the last minute, and refuses to have them over night. Tbh I'm glad he doesn't see them, because he spends the entire time ignoring them and on his phone (unhappy dc have told me thus), and grilling them about me and my activities - dc have learned to lie.
The arseholes never seem to pay

kitkatsky · 02/09/2018 17:18

@siblingrevelryagain can't be sure but he told me his ex had stolen thousands from him and then stole thousands from me when we were together, so I guess he tells her he is paying me loads instead of zeroand uses that to get her to pay for everything. Even DD7 has remarked that girlfriend cried once about money when he tried to convince her to buy him an expensive leather jacket on hols

Howhot · 02/09/2018 18:55

pallisers You do realise if you save for your child you don't have to give it to them when they're 18? Just save it in your name.

PerverseConverse · 02/09/2018 20:01

Me stbexh's gf gets half the amount he pays to me. She thinks we get the same and thinks I get too much. He lives with her so not sure of her logic there. He thinks the £10 a day he gives me is very generous for our 2 children and thinks this is to give them a better quality of life as he claims he pays more than he "has" to.

2morrowiscancelled · 02/09/2018 20:09

0 for three kids. He gave up his job as his gf works and somehow started receiving JSA so only had to pay minimum amount of around £7. He started messing about sending stupid amounts and when I rang they said as long as he paid within 10% of the amount there was nothing they could do about it. So I told him to get fucked. A man who purposely drops 50-60p from an already minimal amount just to spite the mum is no father in my eyes. Angry Still pisses me off

pallisers · 02/09/2018 20:26

pallisers You do realise if you save for your child you don't have to give it to them when they're 18? Just save it in your name.

Isn't that what I said to do - save money if you can afford it just don't allocate it to the child? The OP was talking about savings in the child's name and mentioned the child getting it at age 18.

Amazing how many men feel no responsibility for their children.

Poisongirl81 · 02/09/2018 20:30

I get £230 Month 2 kids

PippilottaLongstocking · 02/09/2018 20:30

Nothing for the first three years, since then has been as little as £7 a week and the highest it’s been is £40 a week

PenguinBollard · 02/09/2018 20:42

My Dad is/was a millionaire. I perhaps saw him 4 times a year, on the times he bothered to show up to arranged visits.
He paid my money zero in maintenance - a single Mum on about £25k.
Once he even managed to fudge accounts so that it worked out my Mum owed Him money. Sam week he bought a plane and collected me in his Porsche.

I cut him off and changed my surname when I was 20

PenguinBollard · 02/09/2018 20:43

*my mum

Starlight345 · 02/09/2018 20:53

@penguinbollard the saddest thing is these people fail to realise the gift of children. I am sure you are a credit to your mum.

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