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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go round to friends house because of hygiene?

151 replies

HopeGarden · 01/09/2018 11:38

Not sure if I’m being a bit too precious and mean about cleanliness ...

I have a good friend with DC similar ages to mine. All DC generally get on well and enjoy playing together, we’ve met up at local parks a number of times over the summer holidays. Friend has now texted and invited us over to her house tomorrow for play date and lunch, says her car is in garage for repairs so she can’t drive anywhere.

Thing is, I don’t want to go round her house because I think her hygiene standards are rubbish.

Whenever I go round, her house is dirty, the downstairs toilet is usually filthy, there’s never any soap left out (and it’s not unusual for there to be no toilet paper either).
She can produce soap when I ask (from a separate room) but she always says that she doesn’t leave it out because the DC use the soap if it’s out. Whenever I’ve been around her house when her DC have used the toilet, she’s never encouraged them to wash hands or check that they’ve left the toilet in an ok state.
She doesn’t wash her hands before preparing food - e.g. I’ve seen her handle raw meat with both hands and then wipe her hands dry on her trousers rather than washing her hands.
Her pets use the garden as a toilet and she doesn’t always pick up after them before letting kids out in the garden.

And to cap it off, there’s barely a month goes by without at least one of her DC coming down with at least one tummy bug. They’ve missed loads of school because of this. She seems to think that this is just bad luck but I’ve got a strong suspicion that the poor hand hygiene plays a big part.

I feel a bit mean about it because we have no plans for tomorrow but WIBU to tell her we can’t go round because we’re “busy”?
DC start back at school next week and I don’t want to risk them coming down with some tummy bug at friends house and missing their first few days back at school.

OP posts:
Leapfrog44 · 02/09/2018 22:36

Are you sure she's a friend? She sounds pretty awful.

dorisdog · 02/09/2018 22:46

Oh god. This was totally me when I was 19/20 living in an horrible house with a bunch of friends and dogs. Luckily we were all vegetarian or we'd be dead from salmonella poisoning. However, I'd never have lived like that once I had kids! The raw meat incident is grim :-/

dorisdog · 02/09/2018 22:49

After working in the mental health services for a few years, I realised that depression and other illnesses can really make some people struggle with cleaning and washing. That maybe doesn't apply to your friend, but I do always consider this possibility when I meet people with poor hygiene.

deadcat · 02/09/2018 23:41

I was at someone's really messy house once and their terrier shit on the living room carpet and they just picked it up with a bit of kitchen roll and flushed it down the toilet.

That was it. No more cleaning of the carpet and no hand washing. I then noticed loads of light brown poo stains all over the living room carpet and piss stains up the door.

alifromtheforest · 02/09/2018 23:42

An old friend of mine had a revolting house. Filthy. She NEVER cleaned or tidied. There were discarded plates all over the sitting room floor with half eaten food on them. Her dd ate sitting on the floor, with her fingers (age 9). The carpet was stained beyond all belief. The kitchen was a horror scene with overflowing bins and disgusting, dirty crockery all over the surfaces, covered in rancid old food.

And she had two cats which had their litter trays in the kitchen (🤢) that were never cleaned out so they stank to high heaven. But the cats would piss freely in the house anywhere. The smell of cat wee was overpowering. I have a strong stomach but I remember walking into her kitchen once and having to stick my face into the fridge to stop myself being sick.

And all of this was aggravated by the fact that her heating was on full blast 24 hours a day. So the smells were magnified x 1000 and I imagine the bacteria were breeding away happily over all of the plates and glasses. Revolting.

MiamiLogic · 02/09/2018 23:53

Doesn’t leave soap out because the DC use it... surely that’s what it’s for?!? And if they’re playing with it, surely hiding it is making it more of a novelty and they won’t grow out of mucking around with it soon.

There’s no polite way of saying “no your house is too dirty”. Maybe you can make an excuse that because DC are going back to school soon you want to savour the last few days of holiday?

Thinkingofausername1 · 03/09/2018 00:28

I have a friend similar. It's a shame for the kids. Our house is messy but I always make sure it's clean. However being clean isn't always good enough and you get the odd person going on about the mess!

Original poster
HopeGarden · 03/09/2018 00:40

She’s certainly hiding it well if it is down to depression or suchlike. If anything the impression she gives is along the lines of life’s too short for cleaning when I could be making memories with my children...

She never was the most houseproud of people but it’s definitely worse since she had her DC. And also I think these things bother me more now I have DC, it’s a lot harder to manage small DC around dirt than it is to manage myself.

E.g. my youngest DC (21 months) has recently developed a fascination with toilets. If the toilet door gets left open, he’s straight in there flushing the handle and ripping bits of toilet roll off and dropping them in. We’ve had to stop him trying to stick his hands in the toilet more than once. And friends toilet is usually very far from spotless if he managed to slip off for even a few seconds in their house and started his current toilet tricks.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopeGarden · 03/09/2018 00:59

There’s no polite way of saying “no your house is too dirty”

Agree. I remember my friend getting quite worked up a few months ago because her brother had had the cheek to suggest that she got a cleaner after he’d visited.

OP posts:
pteradactyl · 03/09/2018 07:57

That is gross. We are very lazy and our house leaves a lot to be desired some days but that is next level stuff.
I have a friend who lives with her parents and we have been friends for years. Their kitchen used to be like this, sticky, brown stains on all surfaces, washing up everywhere and it used to stink. If they offered a glass to drink out of from the trainer, so one that had been washed, it would still be slightly sticky. The floor you literally stuck to...it was horrendous. It's very clean now every time I go around, although admittedly it's much rarer now we aren't teenagers, and I always wonder what caused the dramatic difference

pollymere · 03/09/2018 08:33

This thread has really cheered me up. I thought my house was bad, but at least we don't pee on the floor!

Mumto2two · 03/09/2018 09:54

It always interests me how subjective hygiene can be. DH and his sisters grew up in a large beautiful home, with every childhood privilege possible. Yet they all seem to lack any semblance of home pride.
His sister is a great cook, but her kitchen is always a horrible mess, it simply puts me off ever wanting to eat anything! His other sister is even worse, she lives in a new swanky $2million city home, and with two dogs and two young kids...it’s appalling how disorganised and messy it is. The smell of dog odour is foul, and every surface is covered in hair and grime. I just don’t get it. The last time I visited they had a cockroach problem, and bizarrely couldn’t think why. Yet she leaves food lying around and half eaten plates get left on the worktops for hours and sometimes days...because she’s just tooo busy. Yet somehow manages to watch endless tv and box sets of one thing or another. They seem to have this innate ability to zone out from the mess around them. If DH had his way, he’d be doing the same.

Turnyouintoafrog · 03/09/2018 11:53

I could have wrote this myself! I have the same problem with a friend. Our children get a lot great and she really is lovely, but her house... toilet filthy, no soap, fruit flies covering an over flowing bin, children’s bedrooms smell like strong urine and just general dirt everywhere. I’ve had to distance myself from going there anymore and make excuses every time, she’s stopped inviting me now Blush

ggirl · 03/09/2018 12:11

tell her to check out @mrshinchhome on instagram for a bit of motivation

chattykathyblue100 · 03/09/2018 12:51

How about saying you're staying in to do the housework!! (Hint hint)

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 03/09/2018 16:51

Another one here who feels grossed out but can't stop reading this thread! Blush

yorkrose · 03/09/2018 16:53

Apologise and make an excuse; a suprise visitor arriving...

I have friends like this and a husband who would be if I wasn't constantly cleaning and clearing up his mess. Good (genuine) friends are rare and I would rather put up with dirt and mess.

Hope things work out for you.

winniestone37 · 03/09/2018 22:41

I'm guessing you're exaggerating cos' you're a wee bit of a snob and you've come to have it validated. Unless they're all constantly ill I'm guessing it's fine ya' gas bag.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 03/09/2018 22:44

God, I wouldn’t dream of going. But I wouldn’t invite them over to mine either. Bad toilet habits make me heave.

TooFewHands · 04/09/2018 13:59

If I saw my friend handling raw meat then wipe it on her trousers I'd find a gentle way of educating her on food hygeine because I don't want her to be ill.

If my friend didn't keep soap in the bathroom I'd try to help her find a way to keep it in the bathroom safely so she could.

If my friend left dog poop out then let the kids out I'd probably offer to help clear it up with her. Do that a few times, she'll get the hint.

People grow up differently and see their homes differently. They just need to see it through your eyes. It's like people who still wash chicken, then say certain foods give them "tummy upsets". They think food poisoning is full blown or not food poisoning at all. They just need their eyes opening some times.

CheeseAndOnionIceCream · 04/09/2018 14:09

Urgh sounds like my (now thankfully ex) SIL. I hated going round to her place because her hygiene around the house was non existent. The dog would crap on the floor and she'd pick it up with a tissue and throw it in the bin (which I thought was gross,flush it down the toilet!) then not wash her hands after,or disinfect where the poo had been. And when her kids were babies,I frequently witnessed her changing dirty nappies then touching food after without washing her hands. Her 4 kids seemed to have some sort of stomach upset every other week,and she always said it was a bug. No,it's because you are dirty!

Lisabel · 04/09/2018 14:17

Definitely not being unreasonable.

Funny how many people who get frequent tummy bugs are also non handwashers but don't make the connection!!

abacucat · 04/09/2018 14:18

TooFewHands Food hygiene courses used to teach you to wash chicken. Then the guidance changed. Some people are simply behind with the guidance.

Maybugger · 04/09/2018 14:34

Sounds like a number of houses I used to visit as a district nurse- you'd stick to the floor and stop wearing leather shoes because they absorb urine......
The worst place was a man with free-flying parrots......the stench was unbelievable (I still feel like retching when I remember that place)

CandidaAlbicans · 05/09/2018 08:31

have you thought of reporting her to social services?
Isn’t that a bit extreme?
Aside from the hygiene issue, she’s a great mum

If her children are often ill and missing "loads of school", probably due to poor hygiene then that's pretty serious surely? She may be lovely but she's not a "great mum" if part of her parenting causes her children to be ill. If you don't want to go down the SS route then why not say something to her, highlighting the link between lack of hand washing (after toilet, handling raw meat, etc) and illness. Her poor kids!

If I saw my friend handling raw meat then wipe it on her trousers I'd find a gentle way of educating her on food hygeine because I don't want her to be ill
Me too.