To not go round to friends house because of hygiene?

[HopeGarden]

Not sure if I’m being a bit too precious and mean about cleanliness ...

I have a good friend with DC similar ages to mine. All DC generally get on well and enjoy playing together, we’ve met up at local parks a number of times over the summer holidays. Friend has now texted and invited us over to her house tomorrow for play date and lunch, says her car is in garage for repairs so she can’t drive anywhere.

Thing is, I don’t want to go round her house because I think her hygiene standards are rubbish.

Whenever I go round, her house is dirty, the downstairs toilet is usually filthy, there’s never any soap left out (and it’s not unusual for there to be no toilet paper either).
She can produce soap when I ask (from a separate room) but she always says that she doesn’t leave it out because the DC use the soap if it’s out. Whenever I’ve been around her house when her DC have used the toilet, she’s never encouraged them to wash hands or check that they’ve left the toilet in an ok state.
She doesn’t wash her hands before preparing food - e.g. I’ve seen her handle raw meat with both hands and then wipe her hands dry on her trousers rather than washing her hands.
Her pets use the garden as a toilet and she doesn’t always pick up after them before letting kids out in the garden.

And to cap it off, there’s barely a month goes by without at least one of her DC coming down with at least one tummy bug. They’ve missed loads of school because of this. She seems to think that this is just bad luck but I’ve got a strong suspicion that the poor hand hygiene plays a big part.

I feel a bit mean about it because we have no plans for tomorrow but WIBU to tell her we can’t go round because we’re “busy”?
DC start back at school next week and I don’t want to risk them coming down with some tummy bug at friends house and missing their first few days back at school.

It’s unbelievable how some people live. I went to a a friend of a friends house which had to be seen to be believed. I’m not very good at poker face so upon seeing my initial expression before I’d managed to compose myself the host tried to claim they hadn’t got around to tidying up that day. However, it looked closer to a year. The kitchen floor was so sticky it felt like it was covered in Pritt Stick. The bins were overflowing. There were blue bottle flies everywhere including on plates of old hardened food around the sink (sink was overflowing). Dirty walls. The kids ‘play area’ looked like the local refuse tip. The smell (boak).

My friend and I did not sit down. After we left my friend apologised for taking me there saying it was the first time she’d been there too. She said she knew the woman (who was older) from work and that she would never have imagined she lived like that. We were only about 18 at the time, if I’d been older I’d have called social services it was that bad.

More recently I’ve met someone whose kids are dirty. From various comments I suspect she believes it makes her look more upper middle class.

@riojasmooth,no I didn't make it up.she was boiling her knickers and added the potatoes.
One more example,she told us to bring any blankets from the kennels that had dog poo on to the kitchen where there was one washing machine.I only had one that morning and holding it as far away from my body as I could I walked from the kennels to the kitchen.she told me to put it in the machine.I did.I was new and assumed(or hadn't even thought about it)there was a 'doc'swashing machine near the kennels,anyway,I did put it in the machine and asked how to work it.she replied not to bother as she had stripped the babies for now he wAs back with mum and was going to pop them in the machine with the blanket.
She asked me if I wanted anything to go in.....
So after that I had to walk across two massive fields to the nearest village with a launderette and back again.see why I left?☺

Dog's not doc's,sorry

Babies cot.sorry what is wrong with this auto correct!

I know somebody who's house is filthy. Yes it's small with too many people in it, but she is of the too busy#making memories brigade to clean up. Basically it's not her priority as she'd rather do other things. I now avoid going there totally, even the smell as I walk in makes me heave.

Her children constantly have upset stomachs, sickness bugs etc. She even told me once that one of them had infected cat flea bites. They have lots of pets and I think in her head she lives on a farm.

So, to answer your question YANBU. You would BU to go there with your kids !!

Not washing hands after the toilet is my biggest pet peeve. It's just disgusting and the amount you see it in public toilets makes me scrub mine harder. Then you have to pull the sodding door open after the dirty fuckers.

YANBU OP, I wouldn't go over there at all.

I also have the urge to go and scrub my house!

My friend was once disgusted that I don't wash my knickers separately from the rest of my clothes. I found this odd until she sais she put a pair on for the day, spent a good hour or two in the gym and then slept in them because she had "no time to shower" in the evening. Her knickers could probably have climbed into the machine unaided.

Rioja
Ewww I think her knickers needed washing with the dog poo towels.

These threads have reminded me of a "too posh to wash" friend. Dog mess in the garden, but that was there apparently because she was teaching her dh a lesson that it was his turn to clean up. No matter that she'd invited my dc round to play.

Inevitably her dc came in with dog poo all over their shoe. She proceeded to wash this off in the kitchen sink at the same time as asking if I'd like a cup of tea.

Perfectly reasonable not to go round. Perhaps you should say why, out of kindness.

That sounds rank, especially the touching raw meat and then not washing hands straight after, and not picking up dog mess in the garden. I would be busy tomorrow, or come after lunch.

I am gagging at some of these stories, but this thread is like a horror show, where you don't want to read, but can't tear yourself away.

My Autistic dd 11 loves playing with soap, and uses all our soap, I have just had to have soap bars in the main bathroom so she can play with as its cheaper, all other bathrooms have cheap hand soap.

Sounds like my friend 🤔 I avoid going to her house whenever I can. She doesn't have soap in the bathroom either but also doesn't produce it from anywhere else!

I had a friend like this and apart from not eating or drinking anything ( she did have soap but mingling hand towel that was never washed) we still went there ‘occasionally’ she was enjoying life too much to clean apparently.
All good until her newborn baby hot sepsis and her MIL blamed the filthy house for the baby being in hospital for the best part of a month ( braver woman than me) and we didn’t go again as I also had babies.

It is a health hazard don’t do it. Picnics, parks etc all good no lunches in the house, ever.

My friend knew her house was horrid and she didn’t care, I liked her more for knowing her own mind, but didn’t want my dc to become seriously ill.

In answer to OP, if it's that bad I wouldn't even consider going round, just say you have lots to do before back to school, must catch up soon, blah blah blah, and don't give it another thought.

Ew--that does sound toe-curling. Not sure I could stand that.

Can you give her a lift to the park or (if she is really hard up and is otherwise a lovely person) offer to pay for a taxi or Uber for her?

I've had this dilemma with people but there has always been mental illness involved. Things like hoarding that often come out of grief and loss.

ALL the other bathrooms?????

Sounds like my sisters house....

I know someone whose house is seriously dirty. Her adult children refuse to let her grandchildren visit her there. Still hasn't made her clean up.

Definitely don't go, OP, make an excuse. It's not worth your DC potentially getting ill.

I went to a friend's house for the first time, nearly accepted their invitation to stay over but didn't last minute. So glad I didn't! They clearly never vacuumed as the pet hair and crumbs were thick on the carpets and piled up against all the skirting boards, diet and dust on all the window sills. The bathroom hadn't seen any kind of cleaning in months. They had piles of clean clothes all over the dirty carpet in all the doorways and up the stairs.
Worst of all, the kitchen surfaces were so dirty and cluttered there was barely anywhere to put a mug down, and the catfood dishes were on the surface right next to the sink/draining board - I felt ill imagining all the little flecks of cat food on the clean washing up and that the cats might actually sit on the draining board where the clean stuff sat... Boak.

I should add, this is a 30-something woman with a husband and two children. Plus, neither of them work and spend a lot of time at home so it's not like they never get time to do it or are out so much it doesn't bother them. My DH doesn't work currently and is depressed but even he can clean the kitchen, put away washing and run a hoover round.

Who else thought the op was being precious now completely agrees??

Avoid avoid!!

Say you're busy this time and suggest the park next time

I’m smiling to myself because I have a friend who ALWAYS has an almost full bottle of hand wash in her toilet downstairs whenever I visit. I visit often and it always appears to be the same bottle with exactly the same amount of soap as last time I was there.

I’ve got a reputation (completely warranted) for having a stick up my ass when it comes to cleanliness in my own home, but never judge anyone else. I appreciate that other people’s lives are often busier than mine and I prioritise cleaning over other things, which is 100% my issue.

Having said that, YANBU - this place sounds like a health hazard!