To not go round to friends house because of hygiene?

[HopeGarden]

Not sure if I’m being a bit too precious and mean about cleanliness ...

I have a good friend with DC similar ages to mine. All DC generally get on well and enjoy playing together, we’ve met up at local parks a number of times over the summer holidays. Friend has now texted and invited us over to her house tomorrow for play date and lunch, says her car is in garage for repairs so she can’t drive anywhere.

Thing is, I don’t want to go round her house because I think her hygiene standards are rubbish.

Whenever I go round, her house is dirty, the downstairs toilet is usually filthy, there’s never any soap left out (and it’s not unusual for there to be no toilet paper either).
She can produce soap when I ask (from a separate room) but she always says that she doesn’t leave it out because the DC use the soap if it’s out. Whenever I’ve been around her house when her DC have used the toilet, she’s never encouraged them to wash hands or check that they’ve left the toilet in an ok state.
She doesn’t wash her hands before preparing food - e.g. I’ve seen her handle raw meat with both hands and then wipe her hands dry on her trousers rather than washing her hands.
Her pets use the garden as a toilet and she doesn’t always pick up after them before letting kids out in the garden.

And to cap it off, there’s barely a month goes by without at least one of her DC coming down with at least one tummy bug. They’ve missed loads of school because of this. She seems to think that this is just bad luck but I’ve got a strong suspicion that the poor hand hygiene plays a big part.

I feel a bit mean about it because we have no plans for tomorrow but WIBU to tell her we can’t go round because we’re “busy”?
DC start back at school next week and I don’t want to risk them coming down with some tummy bug at friends house and missing their first few days back at school.

Eeeew definitely find something to be busy with. I wouldn’t want to even have a cup of tea in a house like that, never mind eat or have small dc playing around pet crap. Gross.

@HopeGarden she refuses to put a nappy on her far too young and incontient child because her ex ‘won’t like it.’
I saw him wee in 6 different places in 3 hours. MASSIVE wees not dribbles. Including on two babies...

Some people are very lax about handwashing. I have a friend (a GP!) who has no soap in her guest loo. And the number of people I see using public loos who either only rinse briefly or don't wash at all is quite startling.

We clear our dog mess as soon as it's produced, or as soon as we see it. The flies crawl all over it like it's a feast, it's disgusting. I even 'wash' the grass too with water from the butt.

YADNBU. Actually not only would I not go, I would actually say why, in a kind but direct way. I cannot believe that she doesn't put soap out in case the children use it! No wonder they are often ill.

She doesn’t leave soap out because the dc will use it?! What, like they’re supposed to??

Well, quite.
And even if they use too much soap, surely the obvious solution is to supervise hand washing until you’re confident they’ll be sensible with the soap?

Going against the grain, could you take hand sanitiser and use that after you/DC use the toilet? And say you can’t make lunch but just pop over in the afternoon and take some biscuits of your own to share?
OR, offer to take her and DC to the park in your car, if everyone will fit?

"She can produce soap when I ask (from a separate room) but she always says that she doesn’t leave it out because the DC use the soap if it’s out."

I could not be friends with someone like this!

30hours @HopeGarden she refuses to put a nappy on her far too young and incontient child because her ex ‘won’t like it.’

But if he’s an ex how would he even know that the young incontient child was wearing a nappy at home?

@HopeGarden because he’s constantly there

I’ve been thinking of ending the friendship. Between pissing on my baby and being enraged I won’t let her child into my house without a nappy.. well it’s done for.

I went to one person's house and asked to use the toilet - the whole bathroom was filthy and cluttered with rubbish all over the floor, and the toilet itself was unspeakable. And lying on the floor by the toilet was a used sanitary pad, business side up!

I even 'wash' the grass too with water from the butt.

Just when I'm feeling all sensible and grown up because my standards extend to ensuring that my children wee and poo in the toilet AND use soap to wash their hands, I read this and laughed and now feel immature and silly again!

I'm usually in the anti over sanitising brigade, and I think over cleaning and blitzing everything does more harm than good.

But that sounds disgusting, and no, I wouldn't go, or accept food.

There's a balance between a primitive, rustic level of cleanliness (that people normally conveniently forget about epidemics and low life expectancy) and anti baccing every surface to within an inch of its life.

OR, offer to take her and DC to the park in your car, if everyone will fit?

Unfortunately my car isn’t big enough for that.

If you’d like to see her but don’t want to be fed/watered. Suggestions:

• Pick them up if there’s room in the car and go to the park.
• Take a picnic and hand sanitiser over so she doesn’t need to bother to fee you all.
• Go for a few hours in the afternoon because you’ve got jobs to do in the morning and take a packet of biscuits and bought drinks as a nice treat for the kids then when the bottles are empty you can refill with water. Or a big bottle of pop for everyone etc.
• Tell her your pet fur allergy is playing up.

Or just don’t go.

If you do go, definitely ask her to clear up the dog mess or suggest you help her to do it.

Mishappening
I’ve never been to a house that grim 🤢

As the children are often ill due to terrible hygiene in the home, have you thought of reporting her to social services? I know it's frowned upon here, but surely the children's health is paramount.

No I definitely would not go OP.
Far too risky with dog muck in the garden.
I worked with a guy who was blinded in one eye as a young teenager from dog dirt in his friend's massive back garden. Toxocariasis.

yuk. In a world where a billion dont.even have a toilet, to live like those described on here is disgusting.

Not answering your aibu op(you are not)but reminded me of my first ever live in kennel maid job ,I was only 17,and came downstairs on my first day to find my employer say in the front room with her tiny baby grandson on her lap with her little terrier dog at her feet.
The baby was being fed from a bottle of milk,as I walked towards her i recall her saying something like, "it's your turn now"and pulling the bottle from the baby's mouth and putting it in the dog's mouth.as I stood there speechless and wondering what I was supposed to do,she looked up and said hello and told me my first job,as I began to walk out,yep,the lucky baby had his turn with the bottle again.
If you're not yet feeling nauseous,not long after,I came in for some fish out of the chest freezer(boarded cats and dogs)and she was in the kitchen boiling her knickers and added a load of potatoes to the pot,cheerily calling over to me "it's chops and mash for lunch"....I decided i wasn't very hungry!
After more incidents like these i had to leave,I was having to live off crisps and chocolate.I won't bore you with the rest but to be sure she had no hygiene standards at all.😷

Ew don’t go! Completely agree that you would be risking bad tummies and it’s not worth it.

boiling her knickers and added a load of potatoes to the pot,
Please say you made that up?
I don't mind a little mess and clutter but dog crap and mouldy food are not an acceptable environment for children.
You would be unreasonable to go OP.

I would def not go, but say ‘let’s meet out near you’ and say it’s a nice day or something.
How do people live like that? Clutter is one thing, but being that unhygienic is gross. Am I’m no germphobe.

have you thought of reporting her to social services?

Isn’t that a bit extreme?
Aside from the hygiene issue, she’s a great mum.

DD’s friends house is a bit grim. I was once invited in for coffee by the (very nice) mum and luckily she said ‘let’s go get coffee’ instead. They are lovely people but I looked in kitchen and thought - no thanks!!