To not go round to friends house because of hygiene?

[HopeGarden]

Not sure if I’m being a bit too precious and mean about cleanliness ...

I have a good friend with DC similar ages to mine. All DC generally get on well and enjoy playing together, we’ve met up at local parks a number of times over the summer holidays. Friend has now texted and invited us over to her house tomorrow for play date and lunch, says her car is in garage for repairs so she can’t drive anywhere.

Thing is, I don’t want to go round her house because I think her hygiene standards are rubbish.

Whenever I go round, her house is dirty, the downstairs toilet is usually filthy, there’s never any soap left out (and it’s not unusual for there to be no toilet paper either).
She can produce soap when I ask (from a separate room) but she always says that she doesn’t leave it out because the DC use the soap if it’s out. Whenever I’ve been around her house when her DC have used the toilet, she’s never encouraged them to wash hands or check that they’ve left the toilet in an ok state.
She doesn’t wash her hands before preparing food - e.g. I’ve seen her handle raw meat with both hands and then wipe her hands dry on her trousers rather than washing her hands.
Her pets use the garden as a toilet and she doesn’t always pick up after them before letting kids out in the garden.

And to cap it off, there’s barely a month goes by without at least one of her DC coming down with at least one tummy bug. They’ve missed loads of school because of this. She seems to think that this is just bad luck but I’ve got a strong suspicion that the poor hand hygiene plays a big part.

I feel a bit mean about it because we have no plans for tomorrow but WIBU to tell her we can’t go round because we’re “busy”?
DC start back at school next week and I don’t want to risk them coming down with some tummy bug at friends house and missing their first few days back at school.

Although your friend sounds nice, my mum was like this when it came to cleanliness. It's made me go in the opposite direction and I'm quite houseproud.

I'd make excuses if I were you. Your childrens' health should come first.

I’m smiling to myself because I have a friend who ALWAYS has an almost full bottle of hand wash in her toilet downstairs whenever I visit. I visit often and it always appears to be the same bottle with exactly the same amount of soap as last time I was there.

If you came to mine, you might think the same. That's because I have a nice bottle of hand wash that is the right size to fit on my tiny guest loo sink (tall slim and upright rather than squat rectangle like carex etc which wouldn't fit between the taps). I refill it regularly from a much larger bottle of handwash that lives upstairs to keep it looking nice and full. It does get used!! Maybe your friend is the same and likes the bottle to look full.

Many years ago ( I was about 12/13?) I went to a new friend's house after school.
Now my mum was no housework freak, but we always had clean clothes, house was clean etc but not necessarily pristinely tidy. To me, so normal.
My friend's house- well! There was bread opened on the coffee table, butter on the table with no lid on and a knife stuck in it. Not too bad you might think, but we lived in a hot country and the butter was rank, with flies on it. The bread had mould on it, but she just picked through the loaf until she found a mould free slice. There was crumbs all over the floor, they crunched as you walked on them.

For some reason, the entire floors were covered in flattened cardboard boxes and you had to shift them out the way before opening her bedroom door. (They might not have had any floor coverings but I don't think so). The whole house was filthy but the thing I remembered most was that when she had opened and eaten a chocolate bar, she just threw the packet on the floor. Grim.

I have a friend like this. Their house is an absolute tip and revoltingly dirty from top to bottom. Once when we were over she insisted on making lunch. We ate it out of politeness (I washed up the DCs plates first - they were all piled dirty by the sink so at least I knew I had given them a good scrub, and the food was an oven pizza and bagged salad). Their huge slobbery dog came past and ate off her younger childs plate (kids sat on floor as no room at table due to clutter) - she then encouraged the child to finish her meal. Foul. I was honest with her and told her straight that her house was disgusting and that really for the kids sake it needed cleaning. She cleaned it up that once then it slid back into the same old dirt. We only really meet at our house now.

@AllesAusLiebe

I always have full bottles of soap in the same container, as I buy HUGE bottles from Costco and refill all the soap containers once a week to save money.

I was fully expecting to read this from a neat freak but yanbu. I would make an excuse and meet up at the park when her car is fixed. She will never know

I'd tell her.

Soap is pence. I buy the ones from aldi that are 40p(?) For four!

Some of these posts are 🤮🤢

I cant't believe someone suggested social services. Because those social workers are just sat around tapping their fingers waiting for someone to call with a tale of their next door neighbour who has run out of soap!

Could you go but not for a meal? You could take handgel or just ask for soap as you have before. It's a pity to miss out on a play date because of it though I get it sounds a bit unpleasant.

My own mum is a bit of a grott bag; she leaves empty raw chicken packets all over the counter, she'll use a paring knife she's cut raw meat up to cut up cake etc, you get the gist. Most geeching thing I ever seen her do was pick up a biscuit she'd dropped on the floor of a public restroom and eat it. She came over to my house and started being gross and mocked me fir being clean.

Sounds like my parents. Far too much on here is like my parents

I thought I was a bit lax and a bit of a hoarder but some of these tales are gross.

Could she not catch a bus?

Yanbu, your child's health comes first. Trust your motherly instincts!

I'm not in the least bit house proud but even I think that sounds grim.

Personally I do think Social Services would be interested in this family. It may be that mother needs help on parenting or if she has mental health issues? It’s not a safe environment for kids.

Is there a soft play DF can get to without car? You could treat her to lunch there if funds allow. Or a park nearer her, anything other than her house. Definitely would be busy.

My DS has a friend like this, her house is awful he says it stinks of fags, chip fat & dogs, the dogs eat foot off the sides in the kitchen, he went for tea once (braver than me) & said his food had dog hair in it. I have an awful gag reflex so am only comfortable eating food in certain places/people’s homes I know are clean & hygienic.

must be a park thats walkable that you can meet at, says its gonna be sunny (well where i live it is)

the use or lack of use of soaps, as they may use is is insane

Poor kids, getting sick a lot! I would suggest an anonymous call to social services. You aren't being nosy or making a fuss, you could be helping those children out if mum is taught/told to change her ways.

I think you are all being really unkind.This poor woman is either struggling with some emotional problem or genuinely has no idea what a terrible state her house his in..not one of you expressed an ounce of sympathy and just said 'Keep away.' How about offering to help?
Failing that, because you don't sound very kind people, at least tell her in as gentle a way as possible what you think and see if she can get herself together. God forbid, maybe even offer a hand. what a bunch of unpleasant people.

How can you not know your house is a tip? Equally, most people have their own shit to sort out. I think it's just excuses and laziness. I have my Dad visiting the moment and he's so messy that he manages to make my place look like his within 24hrs of being here. I do love him very much but I expects people to do this stuff for him, like he's above it. Everyone finds it tedious, everyone finds it hardwork but sometimes you do have to get on with it as you are a fully grown adult.

unless you want to start the school year with tummy bugs ....run!!!

This is just vile, I can't believe the filth some people live in. I am not a clean freak but my god, we have a dog and I'm obsessed with him not pooing on the garden I take him out in the morning when I know he goes to the toilet so he does it on a walk and not on our garden (I pick it up!). People who have pets and don't pick up their poo out of the garden make me sick, it then gets brought into the house, how disgusting. YANBU!

YANBU. I would suggest an alternative meet-up date somewhere else.

I had a friend who’s child would come over, not wash his hands after using the loo and I’d have to insist that he washed them if he was having lunch with us. He told me his mum never got him to wash his hands as a few germs were good! Mmmm ...

It may not be a priority for some and I know my Dad certainly thinks it's very petty bourgeoisie of me but I can't stand it, I just can't relax.