To not go round to friends house because of hygiene?

[HopeGarden]

Not sure if I’m being a bit too precious and mean about cleanliness ...

I have a good friend with DC similar ages to mine. All DC generally get on well and enjoy playing together, we’ve met up at local parks a number of times over the summer holidays. Friend has now texted and invited us over to her house tomorrow for play date and lunch, says her car is in garage for repairs so she can’t drive anywhere.

Thing is, I don’t want to go round her house because I think her hygiene standards are rubbish.

Whenever I go round, her house is dirty, the downstairs toilet is usually filthy, there’s never any soap left out (and it’s not unusual for there to be no toilet paper either).
She can produce soap when I ask (from a separate room) but she always says that she doesn’t leave it out because the DC use the soap if it’s out. Whenever I’ve been around her house when her DC have used the toilet, she’s never encouraged them to wash hands or check that they’ve left the toilet in an ok state.
She doesn’t wash her hands before preparing food - e.g. I’ve seen her handle raw meat with both hands and then wipe her hands dry on her trousers rather than washing her hands.
Her pets use the garden as a toilet and she doesn’t always pick up after them before letting kids out in the garden.

And to cap it off, there’s barely a month goes by without at least one of her DC coming down with at least one tummy bug. They’ve missed loads of school because of this. She seems to think that this is just bad luck but I’ve got a strong suspicion that the poor hand hygiene plays a big part.

I feel a bit mean about it because we have no plans for tomorrow but WIBU to tell her we can’t go round because we’re “busy”?
DC start back at school next week and I don’t want to risk them coming down with some tummy bug at friends house and missing their first few days back at school.

I had a friend like this and it killed the friendship plus they moved anyway which was a relief as they weren’t easy in other ways. I’ve never known such a dreadful lack of hygiene. Animals everywhere, and the house was absolutely filthy. And I mean filthy. The sort of house you want to shower after visiting, and I antibacced our hands afterwards. Epic laziness on all counts to be honest, the kids were always a bit smelly and the clothes of the whole family smelled. It’s really hard to maintain a friendship in the face of all that to be honest, I did try, but it got harder and harder.

OP that’s grim, you’re definitely not BU.

My son’s English tutor (a secondary school teacher herself) is really lovely and good at her job but insists on taking all sessions at her home. When we went in I was speechless, the smell made me want to gag and there was filth all over the floor, dirt on all the walls and surfaces, three apparently incontinent little dogs that were jumping all over the brown crusted sofa and piles of unwashed dishes and mouldy food in the kitchen. I only used their toilet once as it was encrusted with poo and smelled so badly I couldn’t breathe through my nose.

Everyone has differing standards for hygiene but even my DS (a teenage boy) has asked me to find a new Tutor as he can’t stand the smell for a whole hour.

I’d avoid taking your kids into a house that must be heaving with germs, personally!

When we went to pick up our dog from the breeders' I found myself in the most unspeakably filthy house I've ever encountered. They were lovely people and she offered us a cup of tea. I reasoned that it was made with boiling water which would kill the germs and felt compelled to be polite and say yes. Hardest cuppa I've ever drunk. The new dog was bathed the moment we arrived home.

I don’t keep soap in my downstairs loo because dd (who has ASD) empties soap or pinches it. I keep the upstairs loo locked but visitors can use it.

My house isn’t spotless, probably a little bit dirty at times but my kids are rarely ill. I have seen a lot worse than mine though, I do house work most weeks but it’s not my priority.

Actually, I think I would say that we only have half an hour and pop round.

I would then find the kindest way I could to start making her see that she needs to sort the house out for the chidlren's sake. Make a point of (pretending to) go to the loo and then when you have to ask for the soap, and watch her retrieve it from another room, ask her 'how the kids can wash if the soap is in another room'? Do it kindly with a smile, but ask.

Maybe you could say that she seems a bit overwhelmed and offer to help her clean up as a one off?

She might genuinely not realise that her standards are not good enough and might be uneducated in food hygeine.

BUT if you can't do it in a way that doesn't offend, then I guess steer clear.

Jesus that sounds grim, Yanbu

I'm a messy bugger in terms of clutter..

But leaving dog shit where children play? Wiping raw meat residue on her trousers? No soap and not washing hands? Foul

Reminds me of somebody who keeps dogs in a second floor flat, doesn't walk them so let's them do their business on the balcony then let's the toddler play out there

This thread is gross

My mil has similar habits, including allowing her cats to use their litter tray then roam on the kitchen counters and is always suffering from skin problems like impetigo and mysterious stomach bugs that no-one else in the family gets.

I think allowing your cats to walk on food preparation surfaces is one of the filthiest things people do. If I see a cat on someones counter top I’m out of there as quickly as I can. Cat dig around in their own turds and toxoplasmosis is so dangerous especially to pregnant women.

If she's a real friend can you not go around and help her by offering to cook or insist on washing up afterwards and clean up a bit while you're at it? Maybe see if she'll open up, it sounds like she has a lot on her plate.

Just thought of another example of repulsive hygiene.

Went to visit a relative and all I could smell was a strong whiff of sick in the kitchen, I thought they'd been unwell and asked whether they'd thrown up as I could smell sick.

Baffled they said no and began looking for the source of the smell, it didn't take long to uncover rotting mouldy meatballs sitting in a discarded pan in the corner

I dread to think how long they must have been there.

I had a friend when I was in my late teens ( not long ago LOL ) and I used to clean her house and do her washing. Even when her daughter was born she still didn't do it to lazy only time she 'cleaned up' (shoved all her s**t in a cupboard) was when she was having a party

They both have children- I would imagine, juggling stuff is just as hard for the OP, why would you want to clean your own house and then do someone else's on top.

Kim (and Aggie) used to be able to sort people out - and tell them where they were going wrong. And it was done kindly...…..

Gross. And I am not even that fussy...

The thing is I don’t think some people realise how bad it’s become. My friend thought I was a ‘neat freak’ when she came to mine (I went to hers first). She literally never ever vacuumed, what you could see of the carpet was heaving with crumbs, dog fur, discarded food (and on one occasion nappies - and not in bags - just lying there used) and what you couldn’t see was covered in toys. The kids would just discard half eaten lunches ....and there they would stay. I had to use the toilet whilst I was there and I very ill as it was so filthy, there was no hand soap, and the hand towel absolutely stank. I had to get the toddler on the toilet too and sort of held him hovering above it. After the her DH appeared and whilst discussing what they might have for lunch proceeded to tell me how ill he had been with a stomach bug in recent days ....now you can imagine with the level of hygiene, I suddenly realised I’d just used their sodding toilet and there was no way it had been cleaned or bleached in the last half century. There’s no excuse. Call it mental health or whatever else you want but it was beyond disgusting and they were open about the fact that they couldn’t give a toss about housework.

She actually might not realise how crap her standards are. I’ve a friend whose been evicted twice (just given notice) in part because a month after she moves in the place is a tip and the kitchen filthy and overflowing with rubbish. She could never understand why the landlords (who were also horrible anyway) wanted her out. She’s doing better on the latest property though.

Reading this thread makes me glad im overly houseproud and a bit OCD i can't even leave bedding on longer than 2 days and towels are boiled everyday with a fresh handtowel left out each day and plenty of strong handsoap and sanitizer by the sinks !! How are these people still alive

I’m in the process of ‘phasing someone out’ because of this reason. I can not bear to go round to her dirty and smelly home any more. It stinks of cigarettes always and she never opens the windows to try and let fresh air in. She insists we take our shoes off as we go in to protect the carpets, but that means we have to change our filthy socks before we can go on my carpets when we get home. Carpet in the bathroom and the bit round the toilet is often wet. Kitchen is so dirty and cluttered I never accept snacks there and always hope that the boiling water in the mug is enough to kill any bugs in the mug. I’ve never seen her prepare food, but I imagine it isn’t done standards required on my last food hygiene course (based on the state of the kitchen).
It makes me sad for her children, that this is their normal.

I have some friends like this and they are the loveliest people but their house is a complete shithole. I mean if you sit on the sofa - you stick to it - type shithole.

The husband also stinks sometimes, really stinks when you stand next to him. He does spruce himself up occasionally and sometimes will have a nice white shirt on and has obviously bathed and washed his hair, but then the next week he'll be stinking again. Luckily the wife is very clean when it comes to personal hygiene, and loves her daily baths - it's just her house that stinks.

I do have a coffee there occasionally and the cups etc. seem to be pretty clean - I think they do give those a wash out, at least I hope so!!

They are lovely people and as I say, the wife is very clean in herself, so I don't understand why they live in such a pig sty, but they do. Not lack of money either, and both are fit and able bodied.

I stopped going to someone's house when I saw that after the toddler had done a wee in the potty, the wee was tipped down the kitchen sink, the potty got a quick rinse with cold water then wiped round with the tea towel which was then put back on the oven door and used for crockery. Yuck.

Yes, there might be mental health issues but some people are just lazy and dirty.

My oldest friend and her husband are like that, they have no concept of hygiene.
They have a cat that is allowed to sit on the work tops and table, makes me feel sick to think about it.
The last time I went I had to take my own food, plate, pans and cutlery, they don't know how to wash up!.
Not to mention the toilet that didn't work properly.
Next time I go I am going to have to stay at a B and B.

Then how exactly is she your friend, just wondering..🤔

The park is lovely for a picnic, yanbu.
I could not visit friends a place like that you describe, I’m a mean ole cow I know, but admit it because I’m anonymous here.

MIL has a disgusting house too. She chain smokes with windows and doors shut and her 4 dogs piss all over so it stinks. I cannot breath in there and avoid it at all costs. On the 3 occasions I've let the dc visit they've come home stinking of smoke and have dog hair stuck off over the bottom of their shoes.
It's grim.

I have a good friend like this. Extremely poor hygiene, animals with no boundaries, it didn’t use to bother me quite so much but now I’m immuno suppressed I can’t take any risks and have not eaten at her house for a long while. Last time after I saw her wash up the coffee pot I realised I can’t even have a cuppa there anymore. She’s oblivious to it but is also relaxed in her general approach to life...her children are rarely ill though!