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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to this SIL's suggestion isn't fair?

119 replies

BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 02:03

First, DailyMail, F off.

Anyway, for context:

My DH's family is upper middle class, but the parents came from rich families. But my DH and his siblings were sent to exclusive schools, went to good universities, etc.

My FIL's earnings were probably dwindling and just enough to support the family, but not the lifestyle my inlaws were used to. My DH has been working for 20 years before we got married. For all those years, all his money went to his family, I guess to supplement so that they can still enjoy the same lifestyle. He was conditioned that to be a good son, he needed to do that and he felt guilty whenever he wanted money or anything for himself.

My DH has always had a good job. Even starting a company right out of the university, which was acquired by a bigger company hence there was a big payout which, you guessed it, went to my inlaws. My DH and SIL have a big age gap, so at that time, she was just growing up/in school.

Few years before we got married, my FIL's business did really badly and accumulated a lot of debt (this is according to the MIL, so her contribution in the debt was probably downplayed). But I know that my MIL also dabbled in some ventures that failed.

My inlaws then sold a property and suddenly had money again.
My DH cut his support to them since they have money already. And my DH does not have any savings for himself so he was starting from scratch at 40, despite having been a high-earner for most of his life.

My inlaws told my DH that they will grant access to the money to my SIL, if that's ok with my DH. He was fine with it.

My SIL then started investing in some companies and bought a fancy car, presumably from the money that my inlaws got from the sale of the property. Still fine with it as it's their money and they can do whatever they want with it.

Now my inlaws still have money - enough to last them for maybe 10 more years if they will continue spending like they're spending now.

My SIL started working for a company, but still maintaining her investments. According to inlaws, it was because the investments weren't really generating money. Whenever I talk to the SIL, she's always mentioning her investments, and how she has two international trips already planned for next year.

She is now suggesting that they (the children) start an emergency medical fund for the parents, which is a good idea, except she wants it done by percentage of salary. Clearly, she knows that my DH has the biggest salary out of all of them. The other sibling does not even have a regular job! So essentially, it will be my DH mostly who will be contributing to the fund.

AIBU to think this is not a fair idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 02:11

Sorry thread title should be: "To think SIL's suggestion isn't fair?"

OP posts:
smellsofelderberries · 31/08/2018 02:26

This sounds like a generous idea considering she won't really be paying for it! Sounds like your DH has been v generous in supporting his parents, but I would say enough is enough.

Skittlesandbeer · 31/08/2018 02:44

He needs to quantify the amount he’s spent so far on his parents, and show it to the siblings. He can then add that SIL’s idea is a terrific one, and he’ll be only too happy to contribute a % of salary, once the pot reaches a certain amount (contributed by the others). So it’s all fair, right??

He can specify whatever amount he wants, even quite a low trigger amount (so he still looks generous). He’s got reason to believe the sibs will never manage it, right?

I’d be telling the PILs about the arrangement too, so they understand that without your DH contributing in the early years, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to count on much/anything.

If I were your DH, I’d also buy them 3 appointments with a financial planner (out of your heartfelt concern, right?). No one in the history of people has taken financial advice from the same person that has bailed them out several times. Your DH has trained them to be dependent on him and his $$$, he’ll have to take steps to wean them off. Quickly, before they turn up destitute on your doorstep. Expecting you to house them, and their polo ponies.

B00ps · 31/08/2018 03:43

None of this makes sense to me.
Why are kids setting up medical funds for parents. Get them to insure themselves.
The whole family dynamic sounds bizarre. Money released from a property sale is now available to SIL but not your DH who you say financially contributed to the pot for years.

My head hurts

blckA1 · 31/08/2018 04:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agentornika · 31/08/2018 05:04

blckA1 the daily mail regularly takes threads from here, your comment is spiteful and unnecessary

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 05:08

B00Ps

It doesn't make sense to me either. They're a very strange family.

My hunch is the siblings are scared that their parents will get sick so they want to ensure that they get money from my DH NOW just for safeguarding.

They are in another country with no national health insurance. I am unaware whether or not the parents have any type of insurance, but the SIL said there is no private health insurance.

They're also in their 70s.

My point is what is this rush to set up a medical fund when the in laws are sitting in money that will last them 10 years minimum.

The SIL was given access to the money because she's single, I guess. And because we live abroad. Which also makes the "percentage of the salary" strange as it's clear my DH earns the most out of any of them.

As I said, I thought the emergency medical fund is a good idea. I just don't agree it should be a percentage of income.

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 05:08

Agentornika

Maybe blckA1 is new here. At least now, blckA1 knows. Thanks! :)

OP posts:
Agentornika · 31/08/2018 05:12

It is a good idea OP but not sure why it should be funded by your DH and his siblings, his parents should be setting some of their own funds aside for this, and not relying on their kids to constantly bail them out. Sounds like his parents and siblings enjoy spending his money and I wouldn't be 100% sure the money would be going towards healthcare due to their history of spending and bad investments

EmUntitled · 31/08/2018 05:15

I don't think the medical fund is a good idea. The parents have had loads of money over the years and pissed it up the wall. They now have more money and presumably still a house they're living in and other assets. I don't see why it's their children's responsibility to save for their medical treatment - they should do it themselves or get insurance.

If I were your husband I wouldn't contribute. He has given them a lot over the years and is under no obligation to continue.

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 05:22

Yeah, I can't understand why the medical fund cannot come from the money they have now. Which my SIL has access to. Which means, should anything happen to my inlaws, automatically the money goes to her, unless she decides to divide this among them.

So it seems what SIL want is, DH should give majority of the money for the medical fund, so it won't come from the money from the property.

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 05:24

I think their age won't qualify them anymore for medical insurance where they are.

OP posts:
JudgeRulesNutterButter · 31/08/2018 05:25

My hunch is the siblings are scared that their parents will get sick

Yeah right. More like your SIL has overspent, wants more money and has come up with this little scheme as a reason to get your DH to dish out. And it’s a nice emotional reason so you feel guilty if you say no.

Say no! Your DH has by the sound of it already contributed way too much to your PILs. Is he taking care of his own investments? His pension? Does he have 10 years of rainy day savings like they do? (Although I’d be highly suspicious whether they still do...)

If SIL is willing to downgrade her car so that she can contribute a significant sum too, and to put this in some kind of trust whereby she and your PIL cant just spend the money as soon as it arrives, then maybe her idea is actually motivated by altruism. Otherwise, this is greedy relatives wanting your DH to fund their extravagance.

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 05:25

Sounds like his parents and siblings enjoy spending his money.

They sure do. Even until now, everytime he comes visit, he still spends for everything when he's there. He doesn't give support regularly but it's like it's a default, if they go out, DH will be the one to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 05:29

My SIL has definitely spent some of the money from the sale, as she did not have any money and had a low-paying job. Then suddenly she was investing in all these new ventures, and bought a fancy car.

It's like they want to continue getting money from DH so that the parents will still be DH's responsibility, but since they're all adults (SIL is almost 30!), they can't say it outright and decided to make it a "percentage of salary" for emergency medical fund.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 31/08/2018 05:46

No no no. The family need to start living within their means

Your DH is 40 and has no savings? Does he have a pension? Do you have kids?

His first responsibility now is to his family. If he can afford after that to put money into separate savings for his parents medical expenses that’s great. But I would keep those savings in his name and his access only, not an open “slush fund “ for them all to use

flumpybear · 31/08/2018 05:46

Sounds like the parents need to know how to budget ShockHmm

SoaringSwallow · 31/08/2018 06:02

He shouldn't do anything.

He could (if he has concern about them in 10 years) start his own emergency medical fund for them and keep it under his name (or jointly yours, just they have no access to it) and control in the country you guys are in. If he puts a small amount in monthly he won't notice it and in 10 years it'll maybe be something useful. He doesn't even need to tell them. Then if there's a medical issue he only pays when he's shown the bill.

I actually don't think he's under any tiny obligation. I'm only suggesting that option because I know what it's like when there's no free medical care and in the case of real medical problems having it can be added stress.

However, I think what he should say is what was mentioned upthread about showing how much he's given over the years and that once SIL has reached X out of regular contributions, not taking they house sale money and transferring some of that (whatever he feels like) amount he'll contribute. That'll likely never happen.

maZebraltov · 31/08/2018 06:09

what is this rush to set up a medical fund when the in laws are sitting in money that will last them 10 years minimum.

How quickly would they burn thru that if they had medical problems?
Sounds like OP's DH has to plead his own case about all the sacrifices he's had to make which means he won't have any security in his own old age if he has to cough up 5% or whatever SIL has proposed. Also, to sit down & try to persuade the oldies to agree to a budget.

I don't think talking or thinking about 'fairness' is going to be helpful. The family comes from a culture that sees things differently. Families support each other & that means each other's money is available to those in need.

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 06:13

Your DH is 40 and has no savings? Does he have a pension? Do you have kids?

No kids. Yes, no savings. He only started saving when he wasn't giving money to them anymore. He has a pension now, started five years ago.
We're building up our savings and planning to buy a house in the next two years.

The siblings asked him how much he's given and he gave a conservative estimate. Still ended up to be a staggering amount.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2018 06:15

I agree with flumpybear

I’d be telling SIL that you will make your own arrangements but that you need to focus on your own family for now

And yes they sound crazy and deluded!!

Sisterlove · 31/08/2018 06:16

Honestly. ..I think a percentage of income is fair. However, where people have other investments or assets, they can contribute more.

Having said that even though your DH earns more, it doesn't mean he has a higher disposable income or less outgoings.

He needs to speak up and not you, otherwise you'll become the interfering wicked wife.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 31/08/2018 06:20

You meantion they live abroad where? Some cultures it’s common for families to support elderly parents.

restingbemusedface · 31/08/2018 06:22

What’s a medical fund? Don’t they have health insurance?

IStillMissBlockbuster · 31/08/2018 06:23

His parents need to take financial responsibility for themselves! It's clear from your posts that the family are leeching off him and they'll bleed him dry if he lets them!