to this SIL's suggestion isn't fair?

[BecauseImExtra]

First, DailyMail, F off.

Anyway, for context:

My DH's family is upper middle class, but the parents came from rich families. But my DH and his siblings were sent to exclusive schools, went to good universities, etc.

My FIL's earnings were probably dwindling and just enough to support the family, but not the lifestyle my inlaws were used to. My DH has been working for 20 years before we got married. For all those years, all his money went to his family, I guess to supplement so that they can still enjoy the same lifestyle. He was conditioned that to be a good son, he needed to do that and he felt guilty whenever he wanted money or anything for himself.

My DH has always had a good job. Even starting a company right out of the university, which was acquired by a bigger company hence there was a big payout which, you guessed it, went to my inlaws. My DH and SIL have a big age gap, so at that time, she was just growing up/in school.

Few years before we got married, my FIL's business did really badly and accumulated a lot of debt (this is according to the MIL, so her contribution in the debt was probably downplayed). But I know that my MIL also dabbled in some ventures that failed.

My inlaws then sold a property and suddenly had money again.
My DH cut his support to them since they have money already. And my DH does not have any savings for himself so he was starting from scratch at 40, despite having been a high-earner for most of his life.

My inlaws told my DH that they will grant access to the money to my SIL, if that's ok with my DH. He was fine with it.

My SIL then started investing in some companies and bought a fancy car, presumably from the money that my inlaws got from the sale of the property. Still fine with it as it's their money and they can do whatever they want with it.

Now my inlaws still have money - enough to last them for maybe 10 more years if they will continue spending like they're spending now.

My SIL started working for a company, but still maintaining her investments. According to inlaws, it was because the investments weren't really generating money. Whenever I talk to the SIL, she's always mentioning her investments, and how she has two international trips already planned for next year.

She is now suggesting that they (the children) start an emergency medical fund for the parents, which is a good idea, except she wants it done by percentage of salary. Clearly, she knows that my DH has the biggest salary out of all of them. The other sibling does not even have a regular job! So essentially, it will be my DH mostly who will be contributing to the fund.

AIBU to think this is not a fair idea?

Your DH sacrificed buying a house and getting a himself decent pension when he had his payout to give them money. They’ve wasted it/given it to SIL.

No bloody way should you contribute to the fund. You need to take care of your own future!

If he’s worried saying no would cause drama, then could he say something like:

“It sounds like a great idea. Once we’ve bought our house and worked out mortgage costs etc and you guys have contributed £X (with £X being the amount he contributed before) then we’ll see what we can afford.

Honestly. ..I think a percentage of income is fair.

But he's given so much already for the 20 years he was supporting them. Also, we don't live in the same country so the income disparity is huge. Essentially, if what SIL is suggesting will happen, DH will be giving majority of the money for the fund.

Your DH sacrificed buying a house and getting a himself decent pension when he had his payout to give them money. They’ve wasted it/given it to SIL.

I was thinking of this too! Why didn't they give DH money from the sale knowing fully well that most of DH's money went to them all these years? But maybe they're thinking it's because DH has a nice job and earns well, while SIL is struggling. I really don't know.

Your husband is a mug.
Your sil is pissing away money that essentially your husband earned through the sale of his company, and feels no guilt about it.
Technically it might have come from a property sale but he propped them up when they could have sold the property instead.
It’s not your husbands fault they don’t have medical insurance in place.
It is his fault he has minimal savings and pension.
Suggest once she has matched what he has already contributed that you can talk again.

They’re a bunch of blood sucking scum. Your husband shouldn’t give any of them another penny!
It’s unbelievable that parents would expect their child to support them and their sibling so much.
He needs to stand up for himself, I really think some counselling is the way forward, have a look at toxic relationships and try and get him see how much they bully him.

Yeah, he recognises that he has a part in this, that it's partly his fault. When the property as sold, he thought that was the end since the PILs have a lot of money already, and he can move on and focus on himself and save up for his future.

But apparently, the siblings won't let it be the end.

Your DH sacrificed buying a house and getting a himself decent pension when he had his payout to give them money. They’ve wasted it/given it to SIL

^^ This. Imagine what financial position you would be in OP, if he hadn't given his family an 'eyewatering sum' over the last 15-20 years?

You'd probably own a house and have investments yourself by now, but it sounds like you have very little. It also sounds like he's 'behind' with his pension savings.

If he's not careful, he's going to be trapped working until he drops to fund his family's high life (and medical bills). And what happens if he 'drops' soon? Sorry to make upsetting predictions of doom, but what if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow?

Honestly, I'd tell them that the magic money tree stops now, your DH now needs to concentrate on his own family's financial security. Refer back to previous money given if people start talking about him being mean or selfish.

If the parents want to provide for anticiapted medical bills, they need to use the money they have (it sounds like they're just going to rush through it on a nice life otherwise) or possibly downsize to release money if they own property.

Something to think about, if they're from a culture that operates 'traditionally' ie the men earn the money and the women care for home and family, then SIL would be the obvious person to care for their parents. Your DH has done his bit, and it's now time for SIL to step up and do hers?

This is just bizarre! It sounds like your husband has done way more than his fair share, sacrificing your own lifestyles and pensions in the process.
Is sil providing all the emotional support and caring for the parents? I'd assume not at this stage. Do they have an inflated idea of your husbands income perhaps? Or misunderstand the exchange rates so think he's mega rich?

Money aside, are they close? Because if he is just a cash cow then better to say enough is enough and sod them all! Sounds like your husband has been ridiculously generous and you lives should be priority now.
Good luck op!

But he's given them a medical savings amount. They've just spent it

No advice as there are clearly cultural considerations.

But if you are living in different countries will the SIL be responsible for their elder care? Or is it expected that DH will pay for this too? I appreciate the wish to support his family but this could be a bottomless pit. Also I wouldn’t be happy paying into a pot that a spendthrift SIL has access to.

“the siblings won't let it be the end.”

The siblings can’t actually force your husband to do anything.

He needs to figure out exactly how much he’s given them (not a conservative estimate - the actual amount. Spend an evening look through bank statements together). Then he tells them - “this is what I have provided, and I won’t be contributing any more”.

If there is fallout from this, so be it.

Another alternative is your DH decided on a lump sum he is prepared to make, or a monthly contribution, based on his own criteria. Just because his sister says it has to be income based, that doesn’t mean they all have to fall in line.

We just moved here from that country few years ago. Honestly, if we didn't, I'd probably have left him by now because of how he couldn't say no to them.

They're a very close-knit family. But the distance helped him, I guess. Now, he's beginning to see them seeing him as a cashcow/piggy bank.

Right now, the PILs are in their mid 70s and they have 10 years worth of money under their belt. I guess it's difficult for me to understand why the medical fund cannot come from that money.

Totally bizarre What on earth did your dh, an aadult, suport his mum and dad for 20 years for?

And this medical insurance thing is just bizarre. His parents should be funding their own returement/care home needs.

Tel your sil that DH has already contributed enough and it's up to his parents. Loony!

Get a quote for medical insurance in their home country - send it to the siblings saying it should come out of the “pot” from the house sale. Bet you will then find out that SIL has spent all that money

I think the idea of setting up a small medical fund in this country, controlled by you and DH, with a small monthly contribution is an excellent idea. Then if there is a medical emergency, you can call on that cash, guilt free. You can also agree up front that this fund is the only money that will be sent.

I recently went through a situation where my parents, who live in another country and had allowed their medical insurance to lapse, were hit with a series of serious medical issues that basically bankrupted them. Various family members in the UK contributed what we could, only to have an additional medical drama after medical drama. Sibling who lives in the country basically cashed in his pension to help. He is 50.

The guilt is immense. Especially when you are worried that the elderly relative is suffering. In countries without medical insurance, the bills wrack up so quickly - every swab is charged, every doctors' wander past your bedside.

One parent passed away, so then it was up to the solvent siblings to help with the funeral costs. Now remaining parent is unwell and there is no more money. SO solvent siblings are once again releasing money from investments etc to help out.

We also have a wailey wailey sibling who likes to take charge of medical issues, but contributes nothing. So solvent siblings would say "is there any point in procedure X when it will not improve outcomes or quality of life" and wailey sibling would start "but procedure X! Its hope!" So piles on the guilt.

It is a money pit. He will never stop being asked to contribute. He will contribute the lions share, if not all the money.

Agree now how your money (and it is yours too) will be spent. Before you hit medical emergency issues. AGree a sum, do not go above that. ENsure all other siblings contribute the same or similar. It will cause no end of friction in your marriage if you are pouring cash into a money pit.

Because I predict what will happen - DH will contribute, the others wont because "hard times", "Failed investments" - your DH will spend everything he has, their lives will continue unaffected, you will struggle to own your own home or start a family.

What do they live in? Why can't they downsize and then have spare money for medical issues?

I don't think your DH should be doing this. How's he going to build up savings for his own life?

I would bet it is not a medical fund it’s a “fund SILs lifestyle” fund

There's something not right here. You say your DH has a great job, set up a company from University, does very well. So why have you no savings, why did he only start a pension when he was 35, why have you not bought a house? I'm afraid you're going to be in dire financial straits at retirement if this carries on.
Do you have a job/pension/savings?
Is your husband a grown man? He needs to stop using his own money for the benefit of others and start using it for himself. Nobody can force him to hand over his money. He just doesn't do it!
As for your comment about your PILs using their money that will last them 10 years as a medical fund, if they did that then they wouldn't have the money to live in! They gave their DD money, their choice. If it leaves them short, then their DD needs to give it back. If it means that they can't pay for medical care then that's their decision. They must live with the consequences of their actions.

I appreciate it's a different culture but this is mad.

I'd get dh to say to SIL, sorry no, we can't contribute as we've paid £x to them in the past y years. I've sacrificed buying my own house, savings and a pension for them. They should use the money released from their house sale for the medical fund and be more sensible with their spending. I need to prioritise dw and me for a bit.

If they insist on doing this percentage thing make sure any profit from her investments is included.

The siblings don't want the medical fund to come from your Dh's parent's money because they want to spend it.

I'm afraid that at some point your DH will have to stand up to them and say no. He's done far, far more than he had to and the gravy train should stop. Let the other siblings step up.

How about saying well DH has already given them £££ (realistic, not conservative) so it's your turn, dear siblings, to take on the mantle.

And I think all his family are CF's with capitals.

Shouldn't the parents be making provisions themselves for poor health?

@Soontobe60

DH gave the PIL most of his money since he started working. Explained in the first post.

The money from the sale of the property is a lot of money. They can realistically get a small portion for the medical fund and still live comfortably.

Actually to be fair the parents know nothing about this conversation. The siblings are the one who initiated this.