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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to this SIL's suggestion isn't fair?

119 replies

BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 02:03

First, DailyMail, F off.

Anyway, for context:

My DH's family is upper middle class, but the parents came from rich families. But my DH and his siblings were sent to exclusive schools, went to good universities, etc.

My FIL's earnings were probably dwindling and just enough to support the family, but not the lifestyle my inlaws were used to. My DH has been working for 20 years before we got married. For all those years, all his money went to his family, I guess to supplement so that they can still enjoy the same lifestyle. He was conditioned that to be a good son, he needed to do that and he felt guilty whenever he wanted money or anything for himself.

My DH has always had a good job. Even starting a company right out of the university, which was acquired by a bigger company hence there was a big payout which, you guessed it, went to my inlaws. My DH and SIL have a big age gap, so at that time, she was just growing up/in school.

Few years before we got married, my FIL's business did really badly and accumulated a lot of debt (this is according to the MIL, so her contribution in the debt was probably downplayed). But I know that my MIL also dabbled in some ventures that failed.

My inlaws then sold a property and suddenly had money again.
My DH cut his support to them since they have money already. And my DH does not have any savings for himself so he was starting from scratch at 40, despite having been a high-earner for most of his life.

My inlaws told my DH that they will grant access to the money to my SIL, if that's ok with my DH. He was fine with it.

My SIL then started investing in some companies and bought a fancy car, presumably from the money that my inlaws got from the sale of the property. Still fine with it as it's their money and they can do whatever they want with it.

Now my inlaws still have money - enough to last them for maybe 10 more years if they will continue spending like they're spending now.

My SIL started working for a company, but still maintaining her investments. According to inlaws, it was because the investments weren't really generating money. Whenever I talk to the SIL, she's always mentioning her investments, and how she has two international trips already planned for next year.

She is now suggesting that they (the children) start an emergency medical fund for the parents, which is a good idea, except she wants it done by percentage of salary. Clearly, she knows that my DH has the biggest salary out of all of them. The other sibling does not even have a regular job! So essentially, it will be my DH mostly who will be contributing to the fund.

AIBU to think this is not a fair idea?

OP posts:

Original poster

BecauseImExtra · 01/09/2018 10:22

Butterymuffin

I could sense DH was tempted to just say yes to the same amount suggestion. But told him it's the principle of the thing. That him giving them money should stop. Otherwise, it will go on and on and on and we will find ourselves old, broke, and homeless.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 01/09/2018 10:48

I reckon SIL has spent all the money and wants you to top up the gravy pot

Ignoramusgiganticus · 01/09/2018 11:24

Surely sils investments that have come from the sale of the house are due to your dp's contributions anyway. Tell her to use her investments as now your dp needs his money to build up his own investments.

ShalomJackie · 01/09/2018 12:26

Just say no.

I am sure if care is ever needed as your DH sounds like a generous man he will help to take care of his parents. There is no need to get into a "legal" type agreement about contribution shares now. His circumstances may be entirely different then once he has a mortgage and possibly children of his own and a higher cost of living!

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 15:48

He’s already contributed. I agree with saying once they match his contribution then they can revisit the situation.

He really needs to be prioritising you as a couple and securing his own future. Why should he bail out SIL because she can’t be bothered with her job anymore?

Keep standing up for him OP

SockMatchmaker · 01/09/2018 16:10

Keep reassuring him he’s doing nothing wrong and there is no need at all for him to pay anything else. Keep getting him to talk about what you can do with the money, the house you’ll buy, the home office he can have, a new computer/car/holiday/day out etc... he’s missed out on so much because of his selfish family, it’s about time he lived some of his life for him. Do look into therapy for him and possibly as a couple so you can pick up tips how to stay strong, they sound horribly manipulative so I think you’ll need it as this is the first time your husbands saying no I imagine the tears and guilt trips will get worse.

P0ppyP0wer1 · 01/09/2018 16:36

I understand that some cultures support other family members. However, if he was earning good money he should have bought a house, paid into a pension, saved some money and if he had any left he could have supported other family members. For future medical or funeral expenses why can't he take out insurance or save himself and release funds at the point of need in the future. Will you be having children ?

Ghostontoast · 01/09/2018 16:57

Surely the proceeds of the sold property should be used for healthcare needs first and foremost.

The PIL and to some extent the siblings have had a nice lifestyle subsidised by your DH's earnings, but now your DH needs to turn his attention for his and your financial future together, housing needs and provision for your old age.

The galling thing is the money he has given over the years has probably been frittered away on keeping up appearances and not on necessities. I would bet that SIL has more expensive designer handbags than you do OP.

That money could have gone towards a deposit on a property, and the longer he leaves it, any mortgage taken out will have high repayments due to a shorter term etc.

If your DH does feel obliged to save some money for his parent's future health needs, he should have total control over it and not hand it over to SIL for "safe-keeping".

Threepe · 01/09/2018 20:03

This sounds crazy no way would I give anything, tell him to say to his siblings that he can’t afford it, he is saving for a home and his future. He has done more than enough already , god forbid one of you get sick he needs to have his own savings

Havaina · 01/09/2018 20:36

I suspect siblings still feel entitled to your DH's money and I suspect they know PIL will give them the 'medical fund' money.

Please don't give these entitled cheeky fuckers another penny. You're remarkably sang-froid about the money they've fleeced from your family, you and DH sound lovely but time to mop this in the bud.

NotBeforeCoffee · 01/09/2018 21:39

So they pissed their own money up the wall, then they pissed your Dh’s money up the wall. Now they are pissing assets up the wall. And sounds like SIL is following suit. They are piss takers. They need to save for themselves! They knew they were going to get old right? This whole situation is crazy

Yorkshiretolondon · 01/09/2018 21:48

Parents should be looking out for themselves surely? Do you have children yet? What happens then? Will DH still be expected to ‘keep’ His parents?

Original poster

BecauseImExtra · 01/09/2018 22:28

@Havaina

That’s what I’ve been telling him. It seems SIL (or maybe all of the siblings) still feels entitled to his money.

OP posts:

proudbrows · 01/09/2018 23:32

They’re basically taking his/your future though aren’t they! Don’t they want to see him settled with a home of his own and secure?! People who love each other are supposed to want what’s best for each other...aren’t they?!

Original poster

BecauseImExtra · 01/09/2018 23:48

proudbrows

That's what I tell him! Also told him if I were his parents, I would not have gotten his money all those years. The family wasn't even struggling! Just needed his money to enjoy a fancier lifestyle.

OP posts:

diddl · 02/09/2018 08:12

So basically he has thrown away 20yrs of money & wasn't even given anything when they sold a property?

Raher than investing/keeping that money for their old age they have given it to their daughter to waste?

How is that his problem?

Honestly, I'd be furious with him for even thinking about giving another penny.

It sounds as if he needs counselling.

Original poster

BecauseImExtra · 02/09/2018 08:19

Raher than investing/keeping that money for their old age they have given it to their daughter to waste?

They share the money with the SIL. So they have a joint account. SIL used some of the money to buy a car and invest.

It sounds as if he needs counselling.

Yeah, it's deep-seated emotional abuse. All his life he was conditioned that he was "generous" - my PIL even tells me that all the time!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/09/2018 08:31

Your DH needs to be very clear that he financially supported them for 20 years , he's done his share and now it's theirs. When they have given them the same he has he will happily contributed on an equal basis.

That his first obligation is to his wife and future children.

He needs to be firm and clear with them so that they get jobs otherwise when the money is gone will he leave them penniless?

Anniegetyourgun · 02/09/2018 08:33

Generosity is a virtue. I'm sure we'd all despise a man who lived an affluent lifestyle while his parents struggled. But there's being generous, and there's being a mug. Your poor DH has fallen very much on the latter side of the fence through no fault of his own. It seems strange to have to teach a man to be more selfish, but in this situation you really do.

Damn, why didn't I bring my offspring up that way? I'd be in a lovely situation! I'd have retired by now, with a bigger house and regular holidays and a new car and a gardener and a cleaner. They would probably have to keep living with me because they couldn't afford to move away, so I'd have company too and someone to make the tea. Of course my grandchildren wouldn't exist but, you know, holidays!

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