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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to this SIL's suggestion isn't fair?

119 replies

BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 02:03

First, DailyMail, F off.

Anyway, for context:

My DH's family is upper middle class, but the parents came from rich families. But my DH and his siblings were sent to exclusive schools, went to good universities, etc.

My FIL's earnings were probably dwindling and just enough to support the family, but not the lifestyle my inlaws were used to. My DH has been working for 20 years before we got married. For all those years, all his money went to his family, I guess to supplement so that they can still enjoy the same lifestyle. He was conditioned that to be a good son, he needed to do that and he felt guilty whenever he wanted money or anything for himself.

My DH has always had a good job. Even starting a company right out of the university, which was acquired by a bigger company hence there was a big payout which, you guessed it, went to my inlaws. My DH and SIL have a big age gap, so at that time, she was just growing up/in school.

Few years before we got married, my FIL's business did really badly and accumulated a lot of debt (this is according to the MIL, so her contribution in the debt was probably downplayed). But I know that my MIL also dabbled in some ventures that failed.

My inlaws then sold a property and suddenly had money again.
My DH cut his support to them since they have money already. And my DH does not have any savings for himself so he was starting from scratch at 40, despite having been a high-earner for most of his life.

My inlaws told my DH that they will grant access to the money to my SIL, if that's ok with my DH. He was fine with it.

My SIL then started investing in some companies and bought a fancy car, presumably from the money that my inlaws got from the sale of the property. Still fine with it as it's their money and they can do whatever they want with it.

Now my inlaws still have money - enough to last them for maybe 10 more years if they will continue spending like they're spending now.

My SIL started working for a company, but still maintaining her investments. According to inlaws, it was because the investments weren't really generating money. Whenever I talk to the SIL, she's always mentioning her investments, and how she has two international trips already planned for next year.

She is now suggesting that they (the children) start an emergency medical fund for the parents, which is a good idea, except she wants it done by percentage of salary. Clearly, she knows that my DH has the biggest salary out of all of them. The other sibling does not even have a regular job! So essentially, it will be my DH mostly who will be contributing to the fund.

AIBU to think this is not a fair idea?

OP posts:
BabyCobra · 31/08/2018 09:41

If I was him I would send the siblings an email setting out in detail exactly how much he has contributed - and how this has resulted in having no savings at all. He should detail the amount received from the property sale and state that this should be more than sufficient to cover the medical fund.

He should state in the circumstances, the balance of the property proceeds should now be ring fenced and used for the parents reasonable living (and medical) needs alone. As all of the siblings are financially independent, it should not be necessary for any of the siblings (including him) to use these proceeds for themselves.

He appreciates that they may wish to start making contributions of their own and he will not stand in their way. If they want to set up a medical fund, then they should go ahead and do so but at this point he will not be contributing.

If he contributes, you can guarantee this medical fund will be squandered in the same way. People do not change.

BigBlueBubble · 31/08/2018 09:46

Your DH has given enough. I hope he’s getting it back when they pass away and their house gets sold. I’d be furious if he gave them any more money.

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 14:10

what sort medical support does the country they live in have.

Almost nothing. Very minimal medical support. No national healthcare.

OP posts:
IStillMissBlockbuster · 31/08/2018 14:16

Do they should have insurance?

Holidayshopping · 31/08/2018 14:18

Your DH is mad if he agrees!

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 14:22

Do they should have insurance?

Should but they don't have. And at their age, I don't think they'd be eligible for private health insurance anymore where they are.

OP posts:
Lookingforadvice123 · 31/08/2018 14:31

WTF, why has your DH given him that money all these years?!!! That absolutely baffles me and I feel very sorry for him, having worked hard for so long and got nothing out of it. I wouldn't contribute to any medical fund for his parents, they should fund themselves. My parents have a "nursing home" fund and I intend to do the same!

I'm worried we will end up in a similar situation with my PILs. They're not well off and never have been but any money they have is pissed up the wall, including MILs NHS pension fund now. So come the time they need to be funded eg for a care home, they'll have nothing, and of the 3 siblings DH will most definitely be the better off. We're not exactly rolling in it though, far from it!

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 14:39

WTF, why has your DH given him that money all these years?!!! That absolutely baffles me and I feel very sorry for him, having worked hard for so long and got nothing out of it.

That baffles me too, but if you meet my MIL, you'd understand. She has this certain charm that can lure people in. In the case of my DH, he said from as far back as he can remember, he was conditioned that he needed to give his salary to the family. PIL constantly praised him for being "generous". When he wanted something for himself, he felt guilty. I think it's some deep-seated emotional abuse/bullying.

DH is the nerdy-type guy so he had very few wants and is most of the time content just working/studying. For the longest time, he thought he would never get married. I guess my inlaws thought (and hoped!) too. So it was probably a shock that he did.

OP posts:
Lookingforadvice123 · 31/08/2018 14:47

Absolutely bullying and abuse. I thought maybe you were going to say it was a cultural thing because he was the eldest son and would eventually inherit everything, which whilst I still disagree with it, seems a bit fairer!

Your thread has prompted me to have the chat with DH about his own P and luckily he's also of the view that they won't get anything from him if they're in need of a nursing home fund. Sounds mean but without giving their full history, they've set themselves up for having nothing in old age (ie it hasn't been bad luck and low income jobs. That would be different).

RomanyRoots · 31/08/2018 14:54

your dh has already paid his share for 20 years, he's more than done his bit and now it's his sisters turn.
In his 40's and not got a house, he's a bloody mug, I bet his family all
have houses.
just tell him it needs to stop here, I hope you aren't paying for everything to allow this.

ichifanny · 31/08/2018 15:00

Your family needs to stop the pretense they are all rich

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 22:12

@Lookingforadvice123

Maybe a bit cultural, but it seems he’s only the eldest when it comes to providing money. Lol.

I see it as abuse.Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 22:14

@ichifanny

I agree with you.

When we were just starting dating, I heard the other sibling said to her friend that I was only with him for his money.

What money? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 31/08/2018 22:18

Told him last night all your comments and advice. Told him that if he wants to save for emergency medical fund he can do so but keep it and don’t tell them and just give it if there’s a need. But that he should tell them the emergency medical fund should come from the money from the sale of the property.

The parents apparently do not know about this, and I doubt they are concerned - they have money so they an have emergency medical fund!

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 31/08/2018 22:40

If they're from an African or Asian culture, it's often seen as the children's duty to support their parents.

Whoever said bloodsucking scum has no idea and it's quite insulting.

If among my siblings we need to contribute like this my DB is the highest earner and would be expected to contribute a higher amount.

Of course one has to take immediate family into account.

When cultural obligations and expectations are part of it, you won't find it easy to persuade him otherwise.

caliroll · 31/08/2018 22:40

Tell his family that he is at risk of redundancy and the gravy train stops here. He can’t afford to send them anymore money since he needs it himself. Go low contact.

caliroll · 31/08/2018 22:46

Cross the bridge when you come to it. If medical bills arose in the future and your PILs lack the funds to pay themselves, assess THEN what the options are. Prioritise your own housing and financial security first.

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 09:16

If among my siblings we need to contribute like this my DB is the highest earner and would be expected to contribute a higher amount.

Even if he’d already given them a massive amount of money and your parents had subsequently given a large amount of that to you and you’d spent a lot of it on expensive cars etc and had substantial investments whilst your brother had no savings/no property and very minimal pension?

RabbitsAreTasty · 01/09/2018 09:49

Is he capable of saying no to them?

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/09/2018 09:52

In all honesty op, he's given them enough.
Your idea is very sensible, a fund in your names that you keep full control of that there just for emergencies. I'd recommend not telling them you're doing it as I'd not be sure they wouldn't manufacture an "emergency" or two to get the cash.
Tell SIL to jog on. She's bled enough out of your DH and needs to fund herself.

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 01/09/2018 09:58

Now they're suggesting the siblings set aside a set amount of money (same amount for each of them) to the medical fund. I think they were very taken aback that my husband didn't readily agree to the initial "percentage of the salary" suggestion.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/09/2018 10:04

Progress - but he needs to say, again 'No, I'm not able to do that'. This should be the end of the line for just handing over money.

Gersemi · 01/09/2018 10:10

It's probably an idea to agree to a percentage, but on the footing that all the support given to date is factored into the calculation. It will almost certainly become clear that your husband has already given more than his portion so he could suggest to the other siblings that their percentages need to increase.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2018 10:19

Just say “Great, no problem. Let’s all invest our own and should it be needed we can discuss at the time.”

Original poster
BecauseImExtra · 01/09/2018 10:20

SIL said, she's not sure if she will last in her current job. Apparently, she's becoming restless. And that she's not earning money in her investments. :/

OP posts: