to this SIL's suggestion isn't fair?

[BecauseImExtra]

First, DailyMail, F off.

Anyway, for context:

My DH's family is upper middle class, but the parents came from rich families. But my DH and his siblings were sent to exclusive schools, went to good universities, etc.

My FIL's earnings were probably dwindling and just enough to support the family, but not the lifestyle my inlaws were used to. My DH has been working for 20 years before we got married. For all those years, all his money went to his family, I guess to supplement so that they can still enjoy the same lifestyle. He was conditioned that to be a good son, he needed to do that and he felt guilty whenever he wanted money or anything for himself.

My DH has always had a good job. Even starting a company right out of the university, which was acquired by a bigger company hence there was a big payout which, you guessed it, went to my inlaws. My DH and SIL have a big age gap, so at that time, she was just growing up/in school.

Few years before we got married, my FIL's business did really badly and accumulated a lot of debt (this is according to the MIL, so her contribution in the debt was probably downplayed). But I know that my MIL also dabbled in some ventures that failed.

My inlaws then sold a property and suddenly had money again.
My DH cut his support to them since they have money already. And my DH does not have any savings for himself so he was starting from scratch at 40, despite having been a high-earner for most of his life.

My inlaws told my DH that they will grant access to the money to my SIL, if that's ok with my DH. He was fine with it.

My SIL then started investing in some companies and bought a fancy car, presumably from the money that my inlaws got from the sale of the property. Still fine with it as it's their money and they can do whatever they want with it.

Now my inlaws still have money - enough to last them for maybe 10 more years if they will continue spending like they're spending now.

My SIL started working for a company, but still maintaining her investments. According to inlaws, it was because the investments weren't really generating money. Whenever I talk to the SIL, she's always mentioning her investments, and how she has two international trips already planned for next year.

She is now suggesting that they (the children) start an emergency medical fund for the parents, which is a good idea, except she wants it done by percentage of salary. Clearly, she knows that my DH has the biggest salary out of all of them. The other sibling does not even have a regular job! So essentially, it will be my DH mostly who will be contributing to the fund.

AIBU to think this is not a fair idea?

Your husband should definitely go with SkittlesandBeer's proposal.

Your husband could agree to the proposal with the proviso that as major stakeholder in the medical fund he is given sole authority to administer all of his parents' finances. I think SIL and DPs will find this scuppers their plans for an easy ride at his expense. It's their logic that he earns more so he should contribute more - let them apply the same logic to the decision making, too.

Bloody hell I feel so sorry for your husband. Totally fucked over by his own family. He probably needs years of therapy (he can’t afgord to pay for) to a figure a way out of this emotional blackmail.

This is insane and he really needs to disengage so you have some security in your own retirement. If he’s only starting at 40 he has missed years of growth for pensions and the opportunity to get onto the housing market before it went crazy. His parents and sister have made their choices to piss away money. You must make choices to protect yours otherwise you’ll spend your retirement in poverty feeling resentful that life could have been very different.

blckA1 the daily mail regularly takes threads from here, your comment is spiteful and unnecessary
all papers lift from MN , not just the DM, OP is being a bit naive and childish with her opening statementif she thinks its going to make a difference

Your DH needs to say that he won’t be investing in the insurance as he hasn’t got any investments himself and needs to target his own financial security for the next 10 years. Suggest siblings can all work through the health issues as they arise because it’s not always needed.

Yup, SkittlesandBeer's suggestion is great.

He is being taken advantage of by his family. There is no need for a medical fund and he should say so. His siblings need to take responsibility for themselves. It sounds as though SiL is making big inroads into her parents’ money and is worried about it running out. He must say NO. I am sure his parents would approach him directly if they were in dire straits.

Your DH sacrificed buying a house and getting a himself decent pension when he had his payout to give them money. They’ve wasted it/given it to SIL.

This. But not just this. It also means they mooched off him for two decades when they had a valuable asset they could have sold...

I would also be very concerned about what your (and any future children’s) position is...
SIL will no doubt also be having kids in the future and will be “expecting the best” who’s bank rolling all this?
Your husband must prioritise your family unit.

I’d second bank statements to find out the exact amount AND I’d factor inflation in to the payments to make the number even more eyewatering accurate.

I’d stop all payments and tell the parents they need to think about how they will pay for healthcare they need to cut their cloth accordingly

Your dh needs to say no as ye have no house of your own at 40 while earning well. If he feels guilty could he start a seperate account himself for dps medical emergencies but say nothing to siblings but at least he will have it. He could have a medical crisis of his own. I hope ye have medical insurance. Ye need to start taking care of yourselves. This whole situation is bizarre and ye don't have to apologise for getting on your own feet. His ds doesnt get to decide for the whole family so no! Unless its 50 pounds a month each with your dh overseeing it.

Your DH's parents are used to money simply coming their way. Their children have also facilitated this.
Your DH obviously feels an obligation here, but I think you are totally right to be wary of his hard earned money being frittered away.
He needs to stop being quite so open about his income with his sister and parents too.
I agree that the suggestion that your DH does set up a savings pot, which is his to control which could be used if the parents are ill, but that would remain his if not needed. He really does need to start thinking about his own financial well being long term too.

He needs to be honest with his sister, and tell her that he has supported their parents for the last 20 years and now he is 40 plus he needs to look after himself, so no he will not be contributing to any possible medical fund. And should something happen then he will re asses at that point.

What country do they live in, what sort medical support does the country they live in have. And if they are taken ill while on holiday they should have the proper travel insurance before they travel.

I agree with pp that it is too difficult for most of us to understand this as there are cultural norms and expectations in this post.

Obviously if this were my pil there would be a big FO to the far side of FOness, you entitled greedy Fers.

However, I have family in a country where you would sooner see you and your dcs starve than have your parents and siblings go short. One family member was paying for his dsis's dcs' private school fees when she ran out of money, whilst his own dcs went to the indifferent local state school.

Whyat were the other siblings doing for thoose 20yrs he supported his parents?

He should be telling his siblings to support his parents for the next 20yrs & he'll help again after that...

The other sibling went from jobs to jobs, listening to what his heart wants.

SIL is a lot younger so she was still in school.

Right now, the PILs are in their mid 70s and they have 10 years worth of money under their belt. I guess it's difficult for me to understand why the medical fund cannot come from that money.

This ^. Why can't they reinvest a portion of that money in medical insurance? It doesn't need to be that expensive but should cover their needs.

Your DH needs to draw a line in the sand and say no to your SIL's suggestion, which is hugely unfair because he'll be funding it, not her. It's barmy that you aren't able to buy your own house in your mid-40s because he's been financing his parents' lavish lifestyle for decades.

Anyway, ymy point is that he did it for 20yrs alone, now the other two can do it for 20yrs between them.

Doubtless he might want to put aside some money that he has control over just in case.

But really if his parents are stupid enough to give their daughter free rein on money that they should be holding onto for health/security in age...

Perhaps he needs to tell his parents that he is concerned about the money his sister spends?

To be clear that he can't help them again ever as he is now saving for his own retirement/old age.

Could they ever downsize from the property they are in & get funds that way?

Can't believe that they lived off their son whilst owning a 2nd property!

Wow. Your DH should not be giving his family any more money at all. He needs to look after himself now. They have treated him as a cash cow for years and now seem to be worried that he's realised this.

I do realise that other cultures do things differently, but I thought it was often give & take-not parents leeching off one child!

It's barmy that you aren't able to buy your own house in your mid-40s because he's been financing his parents' lavish lifestyle for decades.

Yep

Sounds bonkers to me.

Just tell them honestly you can't afford it as all your money is being spent on a house and pension for you as you have none of these things yet. That is the truth anyway. Or should be.

It's going to cost a hell of a lot, for very little pension, starting at this age. Most of a good pension is accrued from the early years and cumulative interest. He really needs to heavily invest at this late stage. And you need a house.

It's his turn to provide for himself now. He provided for them in that they now have house money to see them through their retirement years which you are unlikely to have unless you invest heavily now . It is up to them how they budget that.

He should be saying 'I'm not able to commit to that, but you go ahead if you think it's necessary'. They won't, of course.

This is ridiculous. His siblings are being entirely unreasonable and he needs to tackle this head on.

Your DH needs to say that he has supported their DP's financially his entire adult life, to a far greater extent than his siblings realise. Consequently, he now finds himself with no provision for his own retirement and old age and has realised that he needs to address this as a matter of priority. Therefore, if his siblings wish to set up a "medical fund" for DP's they are welcome to do so but he will not be contributing as he feels that after sacrificing the lions share of his income to support DP's for the past 20 years, he has done his bit.
He then needs to add that before they decide he is being unreasonable he would like them to keep in mind that as SIL was still in school while he was working to fund his parents lifestyle, he has also contributed significantly to paying for her education, accomodation and general upkeep while she was growing up. Likewise, while the other sibling was in between jobs and being subsidised by their DP's, they were only able to provide this help due to relying on him financially.

Help him to put this in a letter or email as they will no doubt interject with guilt trips and manipulation of he tries to have the discussion over the phone or face to face.