To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

[BillieBryson]

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

Simply go to town hall, and say a few sentences
That is a ceremony. What other contract do you have to perform a ceremony by reading a script? Normal contracts are just sign on a dotted line.

I agree OP, I thought the same. However wrong question to ask on MN since it's currently a "thing" that you're crazy/reckless if you don't get married! Possibly justified in some ways ... but MN is currently rather militant about it (in my opinion!).

Oliversmum my sister got divorced 5 years ago for £600. They didn't have anything to split though but it doesn't always cost thousands.

It depends what you have as a couple and too many women in particular are left high and dry after a split because they gave up their job/went part time/took a minimum wage job and don't have the same entitlements to assets if they weren't married.

Personally I was bloody glad I was married when we split because it forced my tight ex to share assets. I was a sahm for a few years and even when I went back to work earned a fraction of his salary. I would have been up shit creek if wasn't married.

If you have assets to split and/or decide to put your career on the back burner to have kids (whilst his career is unaffected) then tred very carefully if you decide against marriage.

I genuinely don’t understand those divorce costs - especially for the couple who are amicable.
I got divorced last year and it cost us under £600 between us.

They don't reflect the costs of divorce at all. In some cases divorces can rack up into the tens of thousands but that isn't the norm. £85,000 for a divorce is definitely not the average joe's costs!

I agree OP, I thought the same. However wrong question to ask on MN since it's currently a "thing" that you're crazy/reckless if you don't get married! Possibly justified in some ways ... but MN is currently rather militant about it (in my opinion!).

I get the frustration that I think that comes across as militant. Thread after thread of "I'm totally utterly fucked because I stayed home with my kids and now he's kicking us out of his house" or some derivative of. I don't think enough women realize that it isn't just a piece of paper. It affords (mostly women) a huge amount of protection.

The "militancy" comes from wanting to raise awareness in women who are astonishingly unaware of how vulnerable they are without being married. And to dispel the utter horseshit that gets spewed out on here about how you have to do it in a church and it costs at least 24 million quid and you'll be divorced in half an hour and your dad has to give you away and Henry VIII is oppressing you and you'll expire from patriarchyitis if you do it. It's truly in women's interests to have their eyes very wide open when it comes to protecting their interests and the interests of their children. That does also include the very relevant information from those who are independently wealthy and very savvy about protecting themselves legally without marriage. They are absolutely not in the majority though. How many times do we need to see threads by women who don't need "a bit of paper" because they're "common law" married?! Or the ones who won't get married because they don't have 20k to spend on a party? Awareness is essential.

I don't think it is militant just a small way to try and redress the common held belief on here and in real life marriage is just a piece of paper and living together is just the same. Marriage isn't about a white dress and a party but a legal status. Why it isn't taught in phse or whatever it is called now in schools I don't know.

No one is saying get married but know the legal pros and cons of each status and decide what is right for you.

It is usually when the shit hits the fan that women find out that living together has detrimentally affected their position like the lady in the news with widows benefit.

I don't remember this being asked when I was pregnant. Dp came to the booking in appointment and answered lots of questions about family history relevant to the pregnancy. Perhaps they assumed that we were married because he was asked to consent to various things when I was unconscious.

In reality, at most births the father is the only birth partner. In situations where the mother is unconscious, I imagine that the partner would be assumed as next of kin and asked to make decisions about the baby. What's the alternative, to try to find out the legal next of kin and phone them before they do anything?

If you’re not married you’re single . What’s to understand ?

Oliversmum my sister got divorced 5 years ago for £600. They didn't have anything to split though but it doesn't always cost thousands

So £600 if there is nothing to share.

I don't know anyone who after a few years of marriage has nothing..

Surely you have furniture, a tv, computer. I think not having anything is quite rare.

The ones who did it amicably and it still cost £2000 had businesses and houses etc. Holiday homes that all had to be valued.

Friend has just spent several hundred just to get a statement for tax purposes from an accountant over just one property.

Most divorces I know are very acrimonious.

I do know one couple who spent more time divorcing and arguing about who keeps which wedding presents. Than they did being married (3 Days)

She was warned about his behaviour before hand but she held out hope

He was very low management and brought work and his briefcase on his honeymoon and spent all day in the hotel room working. (people he worked with thought he was a nutter).3 days in she got a flight home and filed for divorce.

It cost her £10k on the wedding and almost as much on the divorce.

Oliversmum yes nothing to share as in they were renting so no house to split and no kids. So it was a case of who's moving out, right well I'll take the tv and the sofa and I'll leave the bed and the wardrobe. No solicitor needed, she downloaded the forms and paid the fee.

My divorce costed around 4 - 5 k and that was with kids and a settlement to negotiate.

If you go in and keep it strictly business only then that keeps costs down. Couples who use their solicitor as a way to have a slanging match with their ex are the ones who rack up bills. Divorce can go into the tens of thousands but that's not the norm.

"The ones who did it amicably and it still cost £2000 had businesses and houses etc. Holiday homes that all had to be valued."

£2000 might seem a lot to you for divorce but if they had businesses and houses to split they would have lost out on a hell of a lot more if they weren't married and split.

That's the point; yes divorce can cost a lot but in a lot of cases it's a fraction of what they could loose if they weren't married. I would have lost out big time if I was unmarried at the time.

Um no you're not necessarily single if you're not married. I've been one half of a committed partnership for 28 years. Not sure my dp would appreciate me living as if I was single.

Op yanbu

No you're not necessarily single if not married but in terms of marital status you are.

It’s just a question about your legal marital status. Your legal status is Single. Legally, that has implications for PR of baby. They are not interested in your romantic life.

Surely that needs to change though. Even the Office for National Statistics recognises cohabiting couples. They are the fastest growing group. Bit ridiculous if they aren't deemed to exist.

It's also inaccurate. Single means alone, you aren't alone if you're cohabiting.

It means single by law not your romantic relationship

Single doesn’t mean you’re alone in terms of the law, it means you’re unmarried. I wouldn’t be bothered if the form said “married or unmarried” if that is preferable? After that though, I cannot see the point of gathering information on people’s romantic situations on a medical form. After the legalities of PR, it is of no interest to the midwives.

As everyone has said there are important distinctions between married and legally single.

However I’d be a bit surprised by a midwife who doesn’t ask the practical relationship status of the woman under her care as well. There are all sorts of safeguarding and support differences between a woman who is giving birth alone and returning to an empty house, one who is having a baby within a cohabiting relationship of many years, one whose babyfather will never be seen again, or will be visiting daily, one who will be attended by her DM and going to live at her parents’ home, whose child is carefully conceived by AID, or the opposite. A good mw’s role is wide ranging and you need to have a sense of what’s going on in the woman’s life to give her the best social and medical advice and support - a midwife is the signpost to a range of post-natal support services.

Why would they be interested in whether someone is cohabiting or in a long term relationship?? Do you think they want to know whether you have been a good girl and have only slept with someone you are serious about? They want to know who will be the babies parents during and shortly after the birth. Your DP won't have any legal status until you put him on the birth certificate. If you don't like that get married!

Surely that needs to change though. Even the Office for National Statistics recognises cohabiting couples. They are the fastest growing group. Bit ridiculous if they aren't deemed to exist

We all recognise cohabiting couples. We all know they exist. But legally married is different. It has specific meaning that cohabiting does not. If you are not legally married you are legally single, and that is the only relevant distinction here.

It's also inaccurate. Single means alone, you aren't alone if you're cohabiting

Wrong. Single (in this context) means not married. You can and are legally single if you are cohabiting and unmarried.

There are all sorts of safeguarding and support differences between a woman who is giving birth alone and returning to an empty house

So what would you expect the midwife to do if she finds out the woman is single and potentially returning to an empty house? Report to social services?

It’s just a question about your legal marital status. Your legal status is Single. Legally, that has implications for PR of baby. They are not interested in your romantic life

I find that odd.

I would think the ‘practical’ relationship status of an expectant mother to be much more relevant information to a midwife.

What support a new mum has at home is surely much more useful info for a midwife than the woman’s ‘legal’ marital status?

As stated several times already, its just for legal reasons. Apart from that the maternity nurse doesn't need to know if you've got a boyfriend or are in a long term relationship etc.

So what would you expect the midwife to do if she finds out the woman is single and potentially returning to an empty house? Report to social services?

Ask her if she needs some help and support I imagine