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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

341 replies

BillieBryson · 30/08/2018 21:34

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

OP posts:
Eeeeek2 · 31/08/2018 09:07

As others stated it's more to do with legalities than about your relationship. I was asked in both pregnancies if my husband was the father of my child, again it's due to it being medically relevant to the pregnancy not casting aspersions over whether I'd been sleeping around.

You should also have a named next of kin, make sure it's updated to your dp (if that's what you want) I recently took my dm to a&e and they asked about nok and it was still down as her mother they've been no contact for 15 years due to the fact the last time she was in hospital I was a child and therefore could not be her next of kin.

NataliaOsipova · 31/08/2018 09:14

Agree with others - they don't care who you're living with. Or how long you've been together. They care about knowing who can legally make decisions for you and the baby should something go wrong or should there be any problems or disagreements.

Possibly they should word it like the registrar does - "Are you legally married to the father of the child?".

BuntyII · 31/08/2018 09:18

YANBU but MN is snooty as fuck about marriage as I'm sure you have realised from the previous comments.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2018 09:18

something goes wrong in the hospital the baby won't have a birth certificate

So if something had gone wrong with me my DC wouldn't have a birth certificate.

Some of us have no family to pick up the pieces so if my boyfriend , co mortgagee, of 22 years isn't allowed to register the birth would my child not get a birth certificate

bananafish81 · 31/08/2018 09:21

2. Legally married and husband is NOT the father. In this case the mother had to sign and have notarized a separate declaration stating that during this pregnancy she was a married woman, that she was separated from her husband when this child was conceived, that her husband was not the father, and that she was the mother. The father's name was not on the birth registration.

Except if you're a surrogate, and your husband 100% isn't the genetic father of the baby, there is no choice but for the surro's husband to go on the birth certificate, if she is married (until a parental order is granted and a new birth certificate and PR is granted to the intended parents).

Her husband cannot under any circumstances be the father, but by law he has to go on the birth certificate of a surro born child

If the surrogate isn't married then the baby's father can go on the birth certificate straight away (as long as he is present with the surro when the baby's birth is registered)

InTheRoseGarden · 31/08/2018 09:24

I didn’t like this either. “Single” in common usage means “not in a relationship” and it is grating to tick that when you’re in a long term relationship. “Not married” would be better.

QuarterMileAtATime · 31/08/2018 09:28

I had a booking appointment on a Monday. The receptionist gave me the option of married or single as one of three questions on arrival, weirdly, but in the actual appointment, one of the 400 hundred questions (which is now done on tablet and I get an app, no physical notes), there was both living with partner and cohabiting Confused

BanginChoons · 31/08/2018 09:42

"You're special because you cba getting the bit of paper to protect yourself and your children?"

It depends what you are protecting them from. I protected my children by not marrying their abusive father. It was a lot less complex to get up and walk away.

lilyheather1 · 31/08/2018 09:47

If you want the legal protection that marriage affords you, get married.

bananafish81 · 31/08/2018 09:52

I didn’t like this either. “Single” in common usage means “not in a relationship” and it is grating to tick that when you’re in a long term relationship. “Not married” would be better.

This would surely create all sorts of furore as well - given it suggests 'married' as the default. I can imagine outcry on MN if that were the case.

Not to mention the historical associations with 'unmarried mothers' as an expression

I think it's a case where whatever the language, it's likely to be tricky

Tessellated · 31/08/2018 10:03

It's only tricky if people get upset over nothing.

If you aren't married, your marital status is single. It's not a judgement on how serious your relationship is, it just means that for a variety of legal purposes you are treated as a single person rather than part of a pair of people.

Sometimes people just look for things to be offended by.

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 10:10

Sometimes people just look for things to be offended by.

Exactly, and I suspect the people who get most upset about having to tick 'single' are not the same people that genuinely don't care about getting married.

MrsLettuce · 31/08/2018 10:20

Where I live unmarried parents are able to legally register that the father "recognises" the child as his, this confers PR at birth. The father is thus able to register the birth and be included on the BC either with or without the mother and child present. It's all very easy to arrange and a simple solution to the 'problem' of unmarried parents and PR.

Darkstar4855 · 31/08/2018 10:21

It’s a set of paper notes that gets carried around for nine months then filed away and forgotten. What’s the point in getting worked up about it? I really couldn’t care less that mine say “single”.

Darkstar4855 · 31/08/2018 10:24

So if something had gone wrong with me my DC wouldn't have a birth certificate.

Of course they would - registering a birth is a legal requirement!

kaldefotter · 31/08/2018 10:38

Your legal marital status can be single, married, divorced or widowed. If you've never married, you're legally single. Your legal marital status is not about whether you're in a relationship, or for how long, or whether you live alone or cohabit. The question is not a slight on your partner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2018 10:56

Does anyone know why divorced is a legal status? I’m both divorced and remarried. Surely the fact that I was married before means nothing to anyone. It means you’re as officially as possible apart from your ex so why would anyone need to know?

serbska · 31/08/2018 11:03

Because if the shit hits the fan, whilst you are in hospital - your DP has fuck all rights.

Your DP is not your NOK.

Your DP will not have parental rights over the baby.

serbska · 31/08/2018 11:04

The very fact you don't even understand why the question is being asked, shows you do not understand the ramifications of being married/not married.

Educate yourself and make an informed decision weighing up the risks of both.

Firesuit · 31/08/2018 12:05

Possibly they should word it like the registrar does - "Are you legally married to the father of the child?".

If they want to know who has parental rights, I think that wouldn't help. The biological father is irrelevant, the only man who has parental rights over a newborn is the mothers husband, and that is true regardless of whether he is the biological father of the child. (I think.)

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 12:07

As PP have said YABU. It's a legal distinction that has serious meaning. You are not married, so the father does not have certain rights that he would if you were married.
Legally you are single, you are not married. If you're this annoyed about it, it suggests you have a deeper issue with the fact that you are not married.

Santaclarita · 31/08/2018 12:21

I'm beginning to wonder why so many people do not like the idea of being married and want some kind of legal point so that if they've been with someone for x amount of time they get half of everything, same as marriage. So why not just get married? Why do we have to provide options to suit everyone's finicky little needs?

Why does it matter? Why not just get married? What is the almost insult behind being married? I'm beginning to wonder if there is more to it than just 'I shouldn't have to be called mrs'. To me that's not a valid argument as you don't have to use the title and dont even have to change your name.

I can only think that some people maybe would feel more guilty being married if they are already cheating on their partner, as they have then made vows to be faithful and aren't. Seen many posts where that seems to be the man's problem, when he refuses to marry the current partner, she leaves and suddenly 6 months later he has a wife. He was clearly shagging the second one at the same time as the ex partner. Beginning to wonder if it's the same for some women who don't get married.

Don't see the need for anything other than marriage. If you feel insulted by that, don't get married. But don't expect the same legal rights as those who bother with it.

And for the benefits thing, of course they are going to count both of you when you're living together. You both bring in money, probably, but they can't just count one of you and ignore the other. People get around that though by saying the partner lives somewhere else, usually parents, when he doesn't. But they are usually found out too.

LisaSimps0n · 31/08/2018 12:22

I stayed with my husband but there was no option for "husband", only "partner". He's not my partner! he was my partner before we were married. I am legally married, he is my husband, but there's no box for that.

Oh FFS, of course he's your partner. Partner is just a more general term that covers other possibilities as well as husband/wife.
Surely a firm should ask only for information relevant to the situation - asking for more info is intrusive and unnecessary. So when writing a hotel review, what is relevant is that you were staying with your partner, not whether you happen to be married to them.
I would have thought that where a booking in form is concerned, the only relevant question is 'who's your next of kin?'. If give very short shrift to anyone who thought it appropriate to ask about my marital status.

Poodletip · 31/08/2018 12:23

The OP says the question was about her marital status. Not whether she was married to the father of the baby. In that case the potential PR of the father cannot be assumed from the answer.

Yes it can, the husband would legally have PR for the baby even if it wasn't his until or unless there is a birth certificate stating otherwise.

It never ceases to amaze me that people have so little understanding of marital rights. I would never have had a child without being married to the father, not through any kind of moral consideration but purely from a legal pov. If you choose to have children without being married then it's really important that you understand the legal implications of that and do all you can to cover yourself in other ways. As many people have said, you do not need to make a song and dance of it if you don't want to. Just go through the process at the registry office with no fuss. Don't change your name. But you would have all the legal rights in place then.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

ExFury · 31/08/2018 12:26

So if something had gone wrong with me my DC wouldn't have a birth certificate.

Some of us have no family to pick up the pieces so if my boyfriend , co mortgagee, of 22 years isn't allowed to register the birth would my child not get a birth certificate

If the mother is unable to register the birth then anyone who was present at the birth can register the birth (as well as various other people), however they can only register the birth as the child being born to the mother.

An unmarried father in that situation would apply for parental rights.