To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

[BillieBryson]

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

I find that odd

Odd that you find it odd, but it doesn't change the facts if you do

@DerektheBrave

No - the legalities of who has PR are very important.

After that, a midwife may ask about help at home but that could have little to do with “practical relationship status” as you term it. For example, a woman could be in a long term relationship but receiving little help from partner? Or a woman could be single and having lots of support from her mum? It is very individual and something to discuss. Unlike a legal status, not every romantic/ living/ supportive situation and emotion will be covered by a box-ticking exercise on a form.

get married if you're so bothered. Cohabiting is not a legal marital status

What support a new mum has at home is surely much more useful info for a midwife than the woman’s ‘legal’ marital status?

They ask about that separately. A few times as far as I remember.

When I had my first, the midwives refused to refer to dh as husband. They referred to all fathers as partners and got arsy when I asked it to be noted that DH was my husband. In my early pg with ds2 the midwife booked me in at home and asked if the baby had the same father as ds. I found it very hurtful and again when I objected to the manner of asking there was an arsy "right on" attitude.

It was more than 20 years ago now but as a person who as a child suffered all sorts of quiet disapproval due to my mother's irresponsible behaviour that was outrageous in the 60s, and having determined that my family life would be very different, I found it very hurtful and it tainted my enjoyment of my pregnancies.

Famous London teaching hospital.

Some languages have different words for single as in unmarried and single as in 'without a partner', which clears up the confusion. But English doesn't (unless you count 'unmarried', but I think people would be reluctant to use that officially as it does still carry an unfortunate overtone of judgement), and as it is, surely it's not that hard to understand that 'single' in this instance is a technical term, if you like, and not a descriptor of relationship status?

What they should have next to the SINGLE box is a paragraph explaining what your legal rights are as a single parent with a long term partner.

It would not be a long paragraph, because your rights are fairly limited, you might have matching wills, be named on his pension if he has an enlightened employer but your status is largely dependant on his goodwill, and he can rescind that at any time. All too often people say oh I have common law rights, but they don't because 'common law " does not exist.

As several other people have pointed out the father has no legal rights to make decisions for the baby or indeed you. A good friend of mine had her second child this year, both my friend and the baby were very poorly after the birth. The baby had to be transferred to another hospital and needed to have an operation. Only my friend could sign the consent form as her partner had no legal rights so they had to wait for my friend (who discharged herself!) to get to the hospital to sign. Madness really today when so many children are born outside of marriage.

The midwives aren't interested in the length of your relationship, just your marital status for legal reasons. In this case you are single.

I've heard it all now if a midwife asking if your children had the same Dad tainted the enjoyment of pregnancies.

It has relevance in relation to parental responsibility, if you're not married then the father has no parental responsibility until he gets a court order, a parental agreement, or is named on the birth certificate. They need to know whether you're married or not because it means he cannot, for example, make medical decisions for your child or consent to treatment or have a say in decisions relating to their care, it means staff are aware that you have sole parental responsibility.

This. I assume many people don't realise this. If you are unmarried your partner has no legally binding say in any decisions about the baby until the above happens. While you are pregnant any choices are yours alone or if you are incapable they pass to your next of kin (your parents usually)

MARRIAGE ISN'T JUST A PIECE OF PAPER. IT GIVES YOU A NUMBER OF LEGAL RIGHTS INCLUDING PARENTAL RIGHTS FOR AN UNBORN CHILD AND NEXT OF KIN STATUS FOR YOUR SPOUSE.

They have to ask if the children have the same father! If you had a healthy pregnancy/birth with your first and then have a different father for your second, you can't assume the same will be the case if the father is different. There could be genetic disorders etc in the new partners family. Hell one of the questions in the notes is "are you related" you don't take offence they need to know!

Cohabiting means fuck all. I cohabit with a few people, some of which I’ve lived with for nearly 2 years, some of which are male, and none of which I’m related to or sleeping with.

“Long term” is also highly subjective. Some people would say 6 months is long term, others 2 years.

Deemed relationship status is not a thing (and a good thing too, lots of people house share nowadays - imagine if you could be deemed to be someone’s partner just because you shared a house for more than 6 months).

If you want your relationship recognised in law then you have to actively declare it to the government - either by getting married or getting a civil partnership once they’re available to heterosexual couples.

Come now, there are ways of asking sensitive questions and as you have so eloquently explained that includes explaining why they are being asked.

It's not a sensitive question. It's a very straightforward question. What you are suggesting is that a midwife approach that question with an air of it being something shameful to have children to different Fathers. Which is extremely offensive.

I agree with you. Same thing happened with me. They did have a section for info on birth parter, baby's father etc. I agree it artificially affects statistics.

The thing that I always find irritating / hilarious on here is the people who come in banging about next of kin. I'm legally and medically trained. Next of kin has fuck all status. It's meaningless. We have power of attorneys set up which give each other far more security in terms of our wishes should shit hit fan than being married or some esoteric next of kin concept would. It's more expensive to do than to get married, but imo significantly more meaningful.

You are not married so therefore you are single. Simple

YABU to be enraged at being ”forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married” as the question was regarding your marital status, not relationship status.

Wonder where OP has gone?

You are not married so therefore you are single. Simple

You are not single if you want to claim benefits

So if you are widowed are you married or single?

I know people who have co-habitated with the same flatmates for a decade. They're all single, however, because they are not married. When you're not married, you are single.

You are not single if you want to claim benefits

Legally, however, you are. You're not married.

If you're widowed while pregnant then if your deceased partner is the father of the child, then they can't assume PR, given they're no longer alive. They won't automatically go on the birth certificate, as they're not alive to do so. You're not married as your husband is not living.

You can subsequently apply to the court to have the deceased father named on the birth certificate, but this is irrelevant for maternity care

If you're widowed and your partner is the father of the baby but you're unmarried, then for the purposes of PR and the birth certificate, again this makes no difference. You're not married.

That is a ceremony. What other contract do you have to perform a ceremony by reading a script? Normal contracts are just sign on a dotted line.

I had to 'read a script', and swear an oath, when I became a co-administrator with my mum of my father's estate. The point, I assume, was to ensure I knew what I was doing, and understood the legal implications. How many people just sign contracts without bothering to read and understand what they're signing?

Being required to say the words out loud, in front of witnesses, rather than just signing, offers some protection to vulnerable people who may be being coerced into marriage, or not understand what is happening.

Interesting banana, but if a grieving pregnant widow was faced with those two boxes, I'm sure she wouldn't think to tick the 'single' box.
There wouldn't be so much angst over these problems if it was explained why the info was needed. For all we know it might be used to shape future policies for single mothers ie those who will bring up the child alone.

Cohabiting means fuck all. Fuck. All. Marriage is different. Get over yourself.