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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

341 replies

BillieBryson · 30/08/2018 21:34

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

OP posts:
AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 12:30

The OP says the question was about her marital status. Not whether she was married to the father of the baby. In that case the potential PR of the father cannot be assumed from the answer

Yes it can. The child of a married woman is legally her husbands child unless declared otherwise. Her husband has PR whether it is his or not, unless she registers the birth with the biological father.

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 12:31

Some of us have no family to pick up the pieces so if my boyfriend , co mortgagee, of 22 years isn't allowed to register the birth would my child not get a birth certificate

Of course he could register the birth, he just can't put himself down as the father without you being there, because you are not married.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 31/08/2018 12:32

Common usage and legal usage are very, very different beasts. I had to get a certificate of no impediment from the UK to marry dh in his home country and it described us, all of 23 and 24 years old respectively, as a 'spinster' and a 'bachelor' Grin. (This was less than 20 years ago). I'm a bit baffled at the suggestion that a 'legal contract' to give marriage-like rights be instituted. Marriage is that legal contract. That's what is is. Nothing romantic about it at all, looked at in that way. Again, marriage in common usage and marriage in legal usage are different things.

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 12:34

Yeah, what is with all the "I want a marriage like contract that gives me all the same legal rights as being married" That would be marriage then? Why would we dream up a new version to do the exact same thing?
If you don't like marriage because you think its religious, have a non religious wedding. If you don't like it because you don't like the traditions, have a non traditional wedding, etc etc.

Santaclarita · 31/08/2018 12:38

Yeah, what is with all the "I want a marriage like contract that gives me all the same legal rights as being married" That would be marriage then? Why would we dream up a new version to do the exact same thing?
If you don't like marriage because you think its religious, have a non religious wedding. If you don't like it because you don't like the traditions, have a non traditional wedding, etc etc.

I actually went to a humanist wedding last year, had only ever been to Catholic ones before it. Found it more interesting than the religious ones, they made their own vows, did a hand fasting thing, etc. It was nice and more relaxed.

sashh · 31/08/2018 12:45

What purpose could them knowing your marital status possibly have?

If you are married your spouse is your next of kin, so if things go badly in the pregnancy the next of kin is involved in treatment options, particularly if you are in a coma and unable to make your own choices.

The same if the baby has medical problems, mother has parental responsibility, unmarried father doesn't until the birth is registered jointly.

serbska · 31/08/2018 12:45

It never ceases to amaze me that people have so little understanding of marital rights. I would never have had a child without being married to the father, not through any kind of moral consideration but purely from a legal pov. If you choose to have children without being married then it's really important that you understand the legal implications of that and do all you can to cover yourself in other ways.

This this this this THIS

CatchEmAll · 31/08/2018 12:46

I wasn't married when dh and I had our boys but we got married afterwards and I had to re-register their birth certificate once we were married. Something to do with dc of unmarried parents having different inheritance rights in comparison to dc of married parents.

SpottingTheZebras · 31/08/2018 12:47

This is about your legal status. Marriage brings a huge number of legal benefits and protections for each other (and as a result children).

Please tell me you at least have wills, OP?

CatchEmAll · 31/08/2018 12:55

My friend had a baby with her partner but she is still legally married to her ex. How would that work out on a form because technically she needs to tick the married box but he's not the father and she's not with him anymore? Surely as her legal husband still her ex isn't her next of kin?

lalalalyra · 31/08/2018 12:59

My friend had a baby with her partner but she is still legally married to her ex. How would that work out on a form because technically she needs to tick the married box but he's not the father and she's not with him anymore? Surely as her legal husband still her ex isn't her next of kin?

Her ex still would be her assumed next of kin. He'd also automatically inherit from her if she doesn't have a will, and until the birth is registered otherwise he'd be assumed to be the father of her child legally (as in he could go and register the baby as a child of th emarriage without her there).

CatchEmAll · 31/08/2018 13:05

I don't think she's too bothered about it tbh. I'd have to be divorced before I could go and have dc with someone else! It is quite alarming though to think if something had happened to her during child birth and she needed to be on life support, her ex would have legal rights to make decisions! He's a bit of a bastard to her too so she is putting herself at risk as he could be quite spiteful.

lalalalyra · 31/08/2018 13:10

Even if he was NOK (which you can nominate yourself - it's not a legal standing. It's only an automatic assumption if you haven't said otherwise) a hospital wouldn't have let him do anything medically that would harm her.

The issue could have been if he said the baby was his and banned her partner from visiting. The partner would have had to go to court - it could have got very messy and taken time.

Thatsfuckingshit · 31/08/2018 13:11

That is your status. You aren't married so you are single.

As its already been stated, if you are single only you have automatic PR for the baby.

Onatreebyariver · 31/08/2018 13:12

If you want the same recognition as married couples then get married.

Your legal status is single. You can change that, by getting married, but you can't kick off that you're listed as single when YOU ARE by law.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/08/2018 13:14

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4373200/Mother-banned-naming-father-birth-certificate.html

Daily mail link but explains process if unmarried dad dies before he can attend registy office with the mum and be registered as dad to get PR. Needed DNA test and Court which i'm sure was last thing grieving mum with a new baby felt like doing. Same scenario if married the mum could have just named him on birth cert as the child of a widow is legally the deceased husband's.

An unmarried dad having a will leaving money to the child and/or having insurance benefitting the child is only good if he is legally the Dad. If he dies in the gap before he is then it's not as straightforward. An example of how wills etc cannot replicate all the benefits of marriage.

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 13:14

My friend had a baby with her partner but she is still legally married to her ex. How would that work out on a form because technically she needs to tick the married box but he's not the father and she's not with him anymore? Surely as her legal husband still her ex isn't her next of kin

NOK isn't the issue. Her "ex" is legally her husband, current not ex. He is legally presumed to be the father her that baby until she registers the birth with the actual father.

CatchEmAll · 31/08/2018 13:24

Her current dp is registered on the birth certificate as the father but it still wouldn't sit well with me knowing I was still legally married to someone else.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/08/2018 14:05

Spot on Lala
A married man can legally register child without mum there. As her husband (he is not her ex) he could have gone and registered baby as any random name and him as dad. Mum and bio dad would then need to go to court to unpick that mess. Her New bf must be ok with it I assume but I wouldn’t have liked my child being legally someone else’s even for a few weeks. Even messier if mum dies in childbirth married to someone other than the dad.

Polarbearflavour · 31/08/2018 14:06

Where I live, there is a partner box on the forms as well as fiancé.

planetclom · 31/08/2018 14:15

All those time you say we don't need a piece of paper to prove we love each other. You are correct, however if you want the protection marriage brings in law, you need that bit of paper.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/08/2018 14:15

The NOK is less of an issue in England as an unmarried partner can be NOK. In a straightforward situation mum will have named her bf as her nok on paperwork when admitted. But scope for issues in an emergency scenario where mum is unconcious.

This explains it well. If unmarried they will make a best guess who is nok but may get it wrong. In the example above the husband may turn up and assert he is nok or her parents who do not like bf say he isn't anything to do with her or baby.

www.royalfree.nhs.uk/patients-visitors/advice-and-support/next-of-kin/

NOK rules will differ abroad too so whilst a bf may be able to be NOK here it may not be possible on holiday if emergency treatment is needed.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2018 14:39

*Because if the shit hits the fan, whilst you are in hospital - your DP has fuck all rights.

Your DP is not your NOK.

Your DP will not have parental rights over the baby*

Actually DP is my next of kin.

In my situation according to you who would be my next of kin given I have no family.

ATM I know of 3 divorces.

This is the bill only for the person I know.

One has a bill for £85000 and rising.

One is £22000 and rising and

One who did it all herself with some help from a solicitor and Barrister has ended with a bill for £15000.

I sure there are people who get divorced for a fiver but I have never met them.

Cheapest I heard of was a couple who were still friends and it still cost them £2000 each.

That is why I would never marry.

Also our relationship has lasted longer than all the weddings we went to in the 80s and 90s.

abacucat · 31/08/2018 15:49

You can get married without a ceremony. Simply go to town hall, and say a few sentences and sign a paper. Ceremony is totally optional.

abacucat · 31/08/2018 15:56

Cheapest way to divorce is to fill out papers and online and submit them. Cost is £550.