To ask my employees why their DH’s aren’t pulling their weight when it comes to childcare?

[TheHoneyHunt]

So I know that my DH and me are fairly unusual in that we have a very equal approach to childcare and household chores. To be fair I wasn’t born lucky. My first H was an abusive freeloader, and I swore never to make that mistake again. However, I’ve now got so used to this way of living that I now find it normal.

I’m now lucky enough to have got to the stage in my career where I manage a large team. These are well paid jobs, paying £40k+, but do require some out of hours working.

Two of my team are on maternity leave. In discussing their return to work they both seem to be assuming that they will do all the childcare. Every pick up, every drop off. Their DH’s don’t seem to appear in the equation. As the employer of the mother, I am asked to accept all the flexibility required. And yet they are still talking about wanting to be treated as equals with their male counterparts.

If the want to be treated as equals in the workplace, AIBU to question why their childcare arrangements aren’t equal?

(I know there is an official “HR” answer to this...which will definitely go along the lines of “don’t even go there”....but what I want to know is am I being unreasonable to think this)

You’re perfectly within your rights to be internally questioning this. But you would be completely wrong to raise this with your staff. Of course you know that. Unprofessional and massively overstepping boundaries. Ridiculous to even consider it.

Out of interest, will you be questioning your male staff on the matter? I’m sure many are only able to ‘step up’ in their roles because of their unequal partnerships, with wife’s taking on the lion’s share of childcare...

You have no idea what their husbands do for a living.

wives

I work for myself now but when I was working for someone when my eldest was a baby, it fell to me. I was salaried, in a secure job. My husband worked in an hourly paid job under a zero hours contract with an agency. If he had a day off, he might not have any more hours given to him that week, or not at all. He was off poorly
In November and they gave his position to another agency worker, leaving him out for three weeks. We just couldn't risk that.

Too add to that, I suspect many are in this position. I would imagine (but don't quote me) that more men that women work in factories for agencies on zero hour contracts, so would be a common problem.

If the want to be treated as equals in the workplace, AIBU to question why their childcare arrangements aren’t equal?

Yes, you are.

Don't even go there.

Well my DH's employer said 'Isn't that what your wife is for" When he asked for flexible working and he responded that my employer felt the same in reverse and got his request granted on second look.

I don't think you can question them, but I completely understand your point, and I'm with you.

But you don't know their full circumstances. DP does all the pickups and drop off because I don't drive!

However just cos they're asking for flexibility does not mean you have to grant it if it doesn't meet the needs of the business.

Do you know what their DH's earn?

Yes, ideally the childcare would be split 50/50 between parents. But if childcare is going to cause inconvenience and one partner significantly out-earns the other, it's in both parents interests to make sure the higher income job is most shielded from the impact of it. And I know of couples where this means that the father is doing the brunt of the childcare logistics because the mother is the higher earner.

Don’t even go there

Odfod
I’m the main earner
I do 90% childcare
It’s logistics of location
And when I’m away dh does 100% but you wouldn’t know any of that because I don’t share it
I’m senior
If I ask for flexible it will be because everyone has right too

Playing devils advocate why are you splitting yours. Why isn’t your dh doing more than you? Because it’s how it works for you
You should only be declining or accepting a proposal based on business need and ability

Do these women work part time with husbands full time? If so they have clearly prioritised the husbands career over their own, probably a joint decision. But it must be really hard doing both pick and drop off.

If you want to challenge the status quo in society op then you need to promote the flexible working options to male staff and ensure your best roles are available as part time or job share roles to both men and women.

In reality childcare being equal depends on lots of other variables aligning eg shift patterns; commutes; salaries; transport, etc.
DH and I share pick-ups and drop-offs equally just now but at different points he has done the majority or I have depending on our client contracts.

It's fine to wonder but asking is going to put pressure on them. It's quite possible their DH's won't muck in and they're struggling with this too.

My DH has a commute to work.....I work 5 minutes away. Therefore I do all the drop offs and pick ups. If it were the other way round we would swap....I'm sure there is a logical explanation

I'm starting a new job in a fews weeks. I visited the office a little while ago to have a chat with my manager and meet the team. While there I was talking to my manager about what time I would start/finish and the topic of childcare and child illness came up because she mentioned that they were quite flexible. She then went on to say that she has experienced so many women in her team being fully responsible for child duties and how she is keen for female team members partners to share childcare issues. I didn't mind the conversation at all but I did wonder how her being keen for partners to 'help' out made any difference at all.

While I completely agree that if women want to be treated equally in the workplace they need to have a partner equally responsible for childcare, I think you abu to actually questions people on it.

I earn 4x what DH earns. I still do 90% of childcare because I want to.

They want to? It works best for them? Their husbands have higher/lower/harder/easier jobs? Shifts? Transport? Husbands look after kids all weekend and do night feeds? A million gazzilion different reasons as to what their arrangement and circumstances are?
Keep your nose out of that.

SarahCarer - exactly.

My DH is quite significantly ill and works in the opposite direction to her nursery. It’s none of your business.

My husband works 2 hours further away than I do and he earns 3 times my salary. If you were my employer I would tell you if be happy to split things evenly with my DH, as soon as you were willing to pay me the same as him....

you're right of course.

sadly you aren't allowed to publicaly mention this. It's why employers still secretly (and some openly!) try and avoid employing women of a certain age.

I work with somebody who works full time. But it is always her that rushes off, is often late in, is off when the child is sick. I once asked her, out of curiosity (her being off was no skin off my nose, we are in the same team but I am not impacted by her arrangements) whether her DH did the same. She replied, no, he works. I was a bit baffled by that - so does she??!!