My FUCKING Sil!!!

[Gee173]

Have always been very close to DB. He's 29 and I'm 25. We grew up in foster care and luckily were fostered by our lovely parents when I was 8. Because of our childhood we are very close and have always spent a lot of time together, tell eachother everything etc.

He tends to come round to my house 2/3 times a week for tea and to see my DD (2). Is v. supportive, all round great brother and amazing uncle. HOWEVER. He has been seeing/dating his girlfriend girlfriend for about 8 months now and she has just gradually got more vile as times gone on.

1. he has told me, that she doesn't like how much time he spends with my DD (his DN). She's told him that if they move in together she doesn't want him seeing her as often as she feels he prefers DN to her?!?!
2. he has always played 5 a side football on a Saturday morning. She has now told him she wants him to give it up so they can spend all weekend together since he works 9-5 throughout the week and is obvs at mine for tea a few times a week (which she is always invited to, and tends to come to more often than not)
3. Father's Day this year. We always make a big fuss of mother's/Father's Day, and she decided she wanted him to come to dinner with her DF instead of ours. He flat out refused and explained how important Father's Day is to him. She didn't talk to him for a week and some of the messages she sent him were absolutely vile.

In general she's just very controlling, is trying to stop him spending as much time with both family and friends. Last week she punched him in the face for staying out until 1am when he had said he would be back around half 12. He broke down in tears to me, very emotional and upset at the way she was acting.

I just want to shake him and say, get rid of her!!! WIBU to do this?? Or should I let him make his own mistakes, considering he is 29?

That is domestic violence and he needs your support. And to dump her violent abusive ass

Sit him down and say what would he say to you if you said your partner had punched you. And then tell him to follow his own advice

What the hell? She punched him in the face? He needs to get rid, now. That is domestic violence and it won't get better.

Wow that is abuse. Your dB needs your help to escape from her.

He's standing up to her and she doesn't like it. Hopefully the fact he told you she punched him means he's ready to leave her.

Sit him down and say what would he say to you if you said your partner had punched you. And then tell him to follow his own advice

Great advice.

She punched him in the face? Everything else aside (which is bad enough tbh), he needs to leave her. Please support him to make that decision and afterwards.

you must speak to him and advise him in the same way as if he were your sister in this situation. Urgently.

Oh you absolutely need to tell him to tell her to get tae fuck! With big fuck off bows on!!

Violence is unacceptable and she is trying to tell him what to do. He needs your support to get the strength to dump her ass, and soon.

There are definitely elements of control to her behaviour, her comment about him preferring his niece are weird and the violence is completely unacceptable, support him in any way you can, it can be especially difficult for a male recognising themselves as a victim of abuse. The only thing I'd say for future relationships is your brother having tea with you several nights a week is a lot, if he's also out one day at the weekend for his hobby. Could you do a regular evening once a week if this caused problems with future partners?

He needs support. Could you look into seeing if there is a freedom program for males in his area? Or rescourses online?

Show him this thread.

Ywnbu but you need to be very careful. She sounds unhinged and very insecure and immature getting upset coz your brother naturally wants to spend time with his family. As for being jealous of a little girl that's pathetic.
But if you tell him to get rid of her you run the risk of it backfiring and pushing them together even more as he might feel he has to take her side.
A few years ago my ds and dd fell out over a girl he was with and it ended up with them moving in together and dd not seeing her brother for a year. As mum I was torn in half by it but tried very hard to keep quiet and let him realise for himself it wasn't right.
It eventually ended badly but thank God I had kept in touch as he came home to live with us again and made peace with dd. She was good enough not to say I told you so!
All you can do is listen and support your db but don't attack the girl to him as you run the risk of estrangement. I think she like many immature women feels threatened by close family bonds and wants to be his one and only. Don't fall into that trap or she'll succeed.

She obviously resents the time spent with you. I would have suggested some compromises, but then I read about the violence.
It will only get worse. However, he needs to realise this. I agree with sitting him down and asking him how he'd react if you were in his position.

Having said that tell him violence is not on and to call the police next time. A night in the cells might cool her off.

Sit him down and say what would he say to you if you said your partner had punched you. And then tell him to follow his own advice

Absolutely spot on. He needs to see how awful she is before she moves in, and really gets her feet under the table.

Domestic violence.
She needs to reported. Disgusting human being.

Fucking hell she is awful and abusive. You need to help him leave her...

Everything I say he just does not listen! He wants to try and help her as 'she has had a rough time in relationships'.

I have said to him if he doesn't want to come over for dinner so often he doesn't have to - I won't take offence. He chooses to. DD's dad is an arse and he's taken it upon himself to be a good male role model for her.

I'm just at a loss. I don't want this to get worse, and it breaks my heart when I see him cry over her.

Regardless of anything she has said, violence is violence and this is not going to improve long term. It's not his job to fix her. I assume the view he has developed of her having a rough time in relationships is one that she's given him

If I reported her to the police would they listen? Would he have to press charges? I want to talk to my dad about this (he's in the police) but he has told me not to under any circumstances. Sounds a bit lame, but it's always been 'us against the world' and I don't want to break his trust by telling our dad.

Would the police be able to warn her off without him actually talking to them?

It’s a classic abusive relationship. She’s trying to isolate him from friends and family to start, emotional abuse and now physical. Your poor DB

He can request a Clare’s Law disclosure. To see if she has previous convictions or is deemed a danger, that might help him to come to terms with needing to end things?

There might help, you can call them as well as him if needed...

www.mankind.org.uk

www.mensadviceline.org.uk

@PigeonFromHell thank you SO much ❤️