My FUCKING Sil!!!

[Gee173]

Have always been very close to DB. He's 29 and I'm 25. We grew up in foster care and luckily were fostered by our lovely parents when I was 8. Because of our childhood we are very close and have always spent a lot of time together, tell eachother everything etc.

He tends to come round to my house 2/3 times a week for tea and to see my DD (2). Is v. supportive, all round great brother and amazing uncle. HOWEVER. He has been seeing/dating his girlfriend girlfriend for about 8 months now and she has just gradually got more vile as times gone on.

1. he has told me, that she doesn't like how much time he spends with my DD (his DN). She's told him that if they move in together she doesn't want him seeing her as often as she feels he prefers DN to her?!?!
2. he has always played 5 a side football on a Saturday morning. She has now told him she wants him to give it up so they can spend all weekend together since he works 9-5 throughout the week and is obvs at mine for tea a few times a week (which she is always invited to, and tends to come to more often than not)
3. Father's Day this year. We always make a big fuss of mother's/Father's Day, and she decided she wanted him to come to dinner with her DF instead of ours. He flat out refused and explained how important Father's Day is to him. She didn't talk to him for a week and some of the messages she sent him were absolutely vile.

In general she's just very controlling, is trying to stop him spending as much time with both family and friends. Last week she punched him in the face for staying out until 1am when he had said he would be back around half 12. He broke down in tears to me, very emotional and upset at the way she was acting.

I just want to shake him and say, get rid of her!!! WIBU to do this?? Or should I let him make his own mistakes, considering he is 29?

@yetalkshitehen I’ve said exactly that further up. He needs to get out. The point I was making to the previous poster was why was it ok for her to emotionally abuse him about wanting to see his own father on Father’s Day when they could have just seen their own.

Show him this thread.

He is being abused - so sorry for you both - you will come through this 💐

they dont live togethe rit shouldnt even enter her head to do everythign together alrfeady

but shes an abuser and thisis just the start-just show him this thread and ask him what he would say if it was you being abused

Your db needs to report her for what she did to him. She sounds utterly vile and he needs to get away from her asap

If reported to the police it's more likely they would remove him from what I've seen/heard. However, he defo needs to get rid...

Definitely carry on as you are with him, don’t play into her hands by lettering this vile woman isolate your brother from you, his family and friends. Let him know you are there for him. Try what posters have say and ask him what he would do if you found yourself in this terrible situation. No wonder she has had trouble with relationships if this is the way she treats people. Good luck.

While your DB is being abused and working out that he is being abused, and that he deserves better, while your waiting for the scales to fall from his eyes, she will be continuing her torture, so you do need to try to counteract all the shit she'll be whispering in his ear - that he's useless, not worth it, no-one else would have him - read the Relationships threads for the sort of awful thoughts women who post there learn from their abusive partners. All those things make it almost impossible that you'd even remember to breathe if you were on your own.

Try to keep him believing in himself and shoring up his idea of self-worth.

I wonder if you were to allow 'sil' further into your life you might even be able to catch some of those things when they happen, some of the shitty little things she'll no doubt be pouring into his ears and his heart.

Lots of lovely family time too. It'll remind him of what real love is like and that he is loved properly.

Have you read the opening post here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody it's rather good.

He's in an abusive relationship.

Show him this thread.

I would suggest counselling as well for him.

Does he want children at some point, if so does he want his children to grow up witnessing this behaviour? My mother was the violent one and my dad has lost two out of three children, they are no contact because of her, not my dad. It breaks his heart.

I can totally understand why you want to go NC, but you risk further isolating him and seeing less of him etc. Don't put him in that position because he has done nothing wrong, sounds like she'd be the type to try and twist it and say that you don't want him around or some such bollocks. Divide and conquer would just be playing into her hands. I think you need to be supportive and consistent.

She sounds vile!!!

Can he/you call the police on none emergency 101 & ask advice regarding the domestic assault and coercive controlling behaviour?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2016/06/08/domestic-abuse-against-men-know-the-signs-5931125/amp/

I’d reach out to Mankind or similar for advice yourself and keep records of conversations with your brother about physical violence. Wouldn’t be surprised if, when he tries to leave her, he finds himself on the receiving end of a false domestic violence accusation.

The important thing OP is not allowing her to isolate him from you and your family. Keep encouraging the midweek dinners, see him often 👍

She is abusive and manipulating. Tell him to imagine what the next few years with her could be like and he may start to see sense.

I'd also advise him to see a counsellor. The abuse isn't his fault.

How awful. Your poor brother. Absolutely stay close to him and if that means tolerating her for now, so be it. The objective has to be for him to realise this is abuse and is absolutely not normal and for the relationship to end. Try and encourage him to continue seeing your daughter, it will help him feel stronger and secure to have that normality. Personally, I feel you should consider raising it with your Dad, but I do understand that your brother has requested you don’t. Whatever you think best, but I truly hope your brother can find the strength to see that this woman is awful. Punching someone in the face is horrendous. In fact it can be classed as ABH, so is definitely a signifier of a truly dangerous woman. Good luck Xx

Not sure if this will help, but I witnessed the abuse of my dad for many years by mum. She also attacked me too. I would worry that your daughter might see him being attacked one day - I'm wondering if that would be a useful thought for him to think on? It destroyed me, and I'm about to enter my second round of counselling to try and understand it fully and come to terms with it.

I totally understand why he wants to stay but once the violence starts, it doesn't stop. Mum even hit me when we were viewing dad's body as I'd said the wrong thing.

Jesus that's wild op!
I'd find it very hard to refrain from trailing her by the hair

Hi OP,

My brother was in the same position as this. We tried to tell him early on in their relationship, and he never listened, 3 years later he finally had enough and left her, and realised he shouldn't of left her sooner.

Try and talk to him and ask him how he would feel if you were in the same situation! I really hope he listens and you're able to get through to him.

The woman is vile, and should never hit a man!!!

Can't say much more than PPs but for emphasis:

• This is abuse. This woman is abusive. It will NOT get better. Your brother cannot make her better.
• She will try to isolate your brother and make him feel worthless. Hard as it it, try to keep your contact with him so that he has you to both a) turn to and b) continue to remind him what real love and support look like.

However, this doesn't mean lying to your brother or de-emphasising your message to keep things easy. Although I completely understand that you want to shake him and say get rid, there's a middle ground between that and letting him make his own mistakes. I think you should be calm and gentle but honest and repetitive: "I love you, you are worth more than this, and you cannot change an abuser". As others have said, you must show consistency and kindness, as hard as it is to watch. And gently reverse it in talks, asking him to see you or your kid like this.

FWIW, I don't think the amount that he sees you is abnormal in the slightest under the circumstances you describe and, in her shoes, I would not feel slighted in the least, especially given that she's welcome to join. It might be different further down the line once I had moved in with him, but not after eight months. And it would still be a discussion to chance things, not a demand.

Use the helpline numbers others have given. Best of luck.

She's dangerous and your brother needs to leave immediately, of course she's had terrible relationships. Awful. I hope you can persuade him to leave, he can't 'save' her.

He needs to ltb!!

Poor lad x

Just so you know, the Men's Advice Line also support friends and family of male victims so you can call them too. They are really good.

It is very common for female abusers to have been the victim of a violent relationship in the past. This is NOT an excuse but important to understand that your brother msy be viewing her as in need of his help and protection. Female abusers also often have mental health and substance use issues - again NOT an excuse but another reason why your brother may be (incorrectly) viewing her as vulnerable and in need of his understanding rather than condemnation.

Do NOT make it difficult for him to continue seeing you (eg by going NC with her). He needs to keep hearing another perspective and to not become isolated. When you talk to him, try not to talk about her or their relationship - focus on the abuse and his feelings.

Good luck.

In every new relationship there will be changes to what people do, to an extent.

But this is far too much and especially in your circumstances.
Unfortunately he may spend less time with you and your dd whoever he meets. It's only natural.

But it's pretty clear here right now he is in an abusive coercive relationship.
Im not sure what it's wise to say or do. If he still talks to you tell him this.

Also tell him you know whilst he will always be welcome at yours and you hope he maintains this amazing relationship with his niece at the end of day he isn't her dad and one day, he will have his own family. That you accept all of that, he will need room to have a relationship of his own.

But... The way this gf is going about it, the lack of compromise, the violence, the lack of understanding about your personal circumstances has raised flags. Your deeply worried she is controlling him. That you want him to be aware it's not good, she isn't coming from a good place. That you will always be there for him.

I don’t know if you’d be able to talk about this with him but if you are - he might want to make sure that he’s using condoms, just in case this horrible woman is ‘on the pill’ or ‘can’t have children’.
I hope he gets out soon. It must be horrible for you to watch as well.

DD's bf's ex was like this. It got worse. And worse.it'll be a long time before he's OK again, but he's coming out of it and is a delightful chap. There are osychological scars will may never heal