My FUCKING Sil!!!

[Gee173]

Have always been very close to DB. He's 29 and I'm 25. We grew up in foster care and luckily were fostered by our lovely parents when I was 8. Because of our childhood we are very close and have always spent a lot of time together, tell eachother everything etc.

He tends to come round to my house 2/3 times a week for tea and to see my DD (2). Is v. supportive, all round great brother and amazing uncle. HOWEVER. He has been seeing/dating his girlfriend girlfriend for about 8 months now and she has just gradually got more vile as times gone on.

1. he has told me, that she doesn't like how much time he spends with my DD (his DN). She's told him that if they move in together she doesn't want him seeing her as often as she feels he prefers DN to her?!?!
2. he has always played 5 a side football on a Saturday morning. She has now told him she wants him to give it up so they can spend all weekend together since he works 9-5 throughout the week and is obvs at mine for tea a few times a week (which she is always invited to, and tends to come to more often than not)
3. Father's Day this year. We always make a big fuss of mother's/Father's Day, and she decided she wanted him to come to dinner with her DF instead of ours. He flat out refused and explained how important Father's Day is to him. She didn't talk to him for a week and some of the messages she sent him were absolutely vile.

In general she's just very controlling, is trying to stop him spending as much time with both family and friends. Last week she punched him in the face for staying out until 1am when he had said he would be back around half 12. He broke down in tears to me, very emotional and upset at the way she was acting.

I just want to shake him and say, get rid of her!!! WIBU to do this?? Or should I let him make his own mistakes, considering he is 29?

Ask him what advice he would give you if you were in the same position - I wonder if it might help him to reflect on her behaviour, and see it in a different light?

I think she is a narcissist, they always say they have had bad relationships...

Show him the best info you can find re narcissistic behavior in relationships and hope he has the sense to see reason.

Christ almight, this is only going to get so much worse as time goes on. You and your family need to do your absolute best to get rid of her.

I think what I'm finding the hardest is that he is usually such a strong man. Like a proper, jack the lad kind of guy, wouldn't take any shit from anybody. - yet he's being treated like this ☹️ sorry about my sporadic and regular replies, finding the situation very hard and don't have anybody to talk about it IRL.

He wants to try and help her as 'she has had a rough time in relationships'.

Can't your brother see why she has had such a rough time?

You need to tell him to leave her immediately. It will only get worse the longer he allows it to continue.

The only problem is the UK is sooo bad at reconizing male DV victims, the number of times i have seen first hand a man reporting a partner for abuse for him being arrested and taken to the cells because they cannot believe a woman can be the perpetrator.

They only took notice when we sent video evidence of her hitting ym dear friend in the head with a frying pan in front of his family and friends (she was so sure she can get away with it even with 20+ witnesses).

Don't discourage him from coming round in order to placate her - her demands will just get worse. It plays into her hands if she manages to isolate him from his family.

There's the Mens Advice Line he could speak to.

If he was female and she was male, even without the punch it would be obvious control/emotional abuse. The punch takes it to another level. I think a lot of men don't realise the situation they are in is as serious as it would be if the gender roles were reversed. He needs to LTB! (I'm substituting the B for Bitch! !)

She's not your SIL, she's only been going out with your brother for a few months. She sounds awful btw but not your SIL

The fact he has confided in you about the violence is good. It might not seem like it but this shows he is in fact asking for help. I hope he hasn't give up football.
Is she just saying she has had a rough time in relationships because she knows your DB has been in foster care and thinks he will feel sympathy for her and so allow her to behave in this abusive manner.
Please continue to support you brother I hope he finds the strength to leave this woman.

@Sparklyfee didn't know what else to describe her as, but thanks for your supportive comment during this hard time

OP he can also contact respect (a charity who work with men in DV relationships), the police couldn't do anything without talking to him, and without any witnesses or evidence of injury it would be impossible to prosecute her without his statement. This is not dissimilar to female victims in the want to fix her, and hope she will get better, all you can do is support him, listen to him and provide him with a place of safety. There is also a project called the campaign against living miserably CALM and they have anonymous webchat and phone lines for men in bad situations whether that's mental health or relationships, it might help that he's got someone outside of the situation to talk to.
Any evidence you have or get, pictures of injuries, screenshots of abusive messages anything you witness, keep a record of all of it.

I usually agree with letting an adult make their own mistakes, but now his relationship includes DV & as someone said upthread, she's trying to isolate him from his support network.

If the roles were reversed and it was a woman in your DB's place the advice would be to get out asap. However the same advice applies unfortunately if he is unwilling to leave at the moment, you can't make him.

I wouldn't talk to your dad if DB has specifically asked you not to. It will make your dad feel like shit as he won't be able to help, it'll put him into the role of passive bystander. Also if you are the only person your DB can go to in confidence for support, then if he finds out your dad knows & that trust is lost where does he go. Its playing into the abusers hands as he may see it as a betrayal. You need to keep the path open for him to be able to come to you.

He's in a fairly good position in that they don't live together or have children together yet, now is a good time for him to go. Next time there is physical abuse, are you able to report anonymously to the police, say you were in the street & you heard shouting & are concerned etc?

When he talks to you about it, don't normalise it. Make it clear this is abhorrent behaviour and abuse and he deserves much more.

Sparklyfee
Totally and completely unhelpful advice.

Op this is a terrible situation for your DB to be in.
I agree with pp, ask him what advice he would give you.
Use the online information that pigeonfromhell gave you and I hope he is able to get help and realise that he is in a DV situation

My point was just that giving her a "status" she doesn't actually hold - such as an in-law - probably makes her feel more powerful over him than she deserves to be.

She's a girlfriend of only a couple of months who he doesn't live with. Don't give her the satisfaction of thinking she's more than that

@MidnightVelvetthe7th thank you for that advice. I think you are right about not mentioning it to our DF. Im going to try and be as supportive as possible, let him know I'm here no matter what but also gently try and get him to see what's going on here. Will consult some of the places people have recommended tomorrow when I have chance.

Do you think I should go NC as far as possible with the girlfriend? Or just carry on as I am, which is basically just being polite and tolerating her. Trying not to push him away will be the hardest part.

I think you need to stay close to him. If that means suffering her, so be it. She will want you to stay away so she can isolate him. A difficult situation, hopefully he will see sense and dump her. She is vile and damaged.

He's only been with her 8 months and she is making him upset and stressed. He needs to understand the first months of a relationship should be the honeymoon, lovey-dovey phase, not torrents of abuse and violence. I hope he gets the support he needs to get away from this toxic bitch. Be glad she is not your actual SIL and hopefully never will be.

Your poor DB, she’s probably the cause of her rough time in previous relationships and it’s not his role to fix anyone. Just stay close to him

Wanting to see her own father on Father's Day some years = totally normal and reasonable
Thinking cosy tea after work with her SIL two nights out of five is a bit much = totally normal, and between them to sort out (provided you do still see your DB sometimes).
Punching your DB in the face = domestic violence, get out now.

@bestzebbiewhy can’t they just see their own fathers on Father’s Day. A couple doesn’t mean everything has to be done together.

Even before I read the part about the physical violence I could see signs of controlling behaviour. She wants to isolate him from you, your parents, his friends... basically so a) he needs her and won’t want to risk losing her and b) anyone who might tell him the truth about her is out of the way. Whatever you do, stay close to him.

Thing is, if you go no contact with the girlfriend it may cause more probs for your brother as he's the one who will get any repercussions. Carry on as normal

Also, I know this is really hard but remember that your brother is an adult and responsible for his own life decisions. It's not up to you to fix this situation, don't mentally take on any responsibility for it, look after yourself too xxx

can’t they just see their own fathers on Father’s Day. A couple doesn’t mean everything has to be done together.

She punched him in the face. They’re not a couple, he’s a victim.