My FUCKING Sil!!!

[Gee173]

Have always been very close to DB. He's 29 and I'm 25. We grew up in foster care and luckily were fostered by our lovely parents when I was 8. Because of our childhood we are very close and have always spent a lot of time together, tell eachother everything etc.

He tends to come round to my house 2/3 times a week for tea and to see my DD (2). Is v. supportive, all round great brother and amazing uncle. HOWEVER. He has been seeing/dating his girlfriend girlfriend for about 8 months now and she has just gradually got more vile as times gone on.

1. he has told me, that she doesn't like how much time he spends with my DD (his DN). She's told him that if they move in together she doesn't want him seeing her as often as she feels he prefers DN to her?!?!
2. he has always played 5 a side football on a Saturday morning. She has now told him she wants him to give it up so they can spend all weekend together since he works 9-5 throughout the week and is obvs at mine for tea a few times a week (which she is always invited to, and tends to come to more often than not)
3. Father's Day this year. We always make a big fuss of mother's/Father's Day, and she decided she wanted him to come to dinner with her DF instead of ours. He flat out refused and explained how important Father's Day is to him. She didn't talk to him for a week and some of the messages she sent him were absolutely vile.

In general she's just very controlling, is trying to stop him spending as much time with both family and friends. Last week she punched him in the face for staying out until 1am when he had said he would be back around half 12. He broke down in tears to me, very emotional and upset at the way she was acting.

I just want to shake him and say, get rid of her!!! WIBU to do this?? Or should I let him make his own mistakes, considering he is 29?

I can only really echo what everyone else has said, this is a classic abusive relationship, from the attempts at coercive control, manipulation, jealousy, isolating him from friends and family and activities he enjoys without her, its like the abusers text book.

Tell him to dump her, asap, and never look back, because no matter how she cries, or guilt trips him, or twists it to make out he is the cause of her outbursts, she will only get worse, and more violent.

Thanks for your messages everyone. I have contacted a helpline this morning and they have pretty much given the same advice as most of you. Basically don't let him isolate himself from the family and try and gently show him that how she is behaving - and if it gets worse call the police.

Next week we are headed to Ireland with our parents and DD for a big family party and she can't come so I'm hoping the 5 days apart will do him some good and I can have a chat with him about it.

You're all lovely, thank you xxx

FFS he needs to leave before there is a baby involved

I'll bet you my last penny that she'll engineer an 'incident' to prevent him from going to Ireland. He should be very careful, abusers up their game when they feel their partner is about to leave. Check in on him daily and make sure nothing happens to prevent him from going.

Came to say he needs to make sure a baby doesn't arrive, but a couple of others have beaten me to it. If she's as controlling as she sounds, this is a way to trap him forever.

OP. I hope he realises soon that he deserves better.

He's choosing you so far and standing up to her, which whilst it is escalating the abuse, does give you a few cards here.

After asking him what his advise to you would be if you were in this position, what would be his reaction if you said that now she's taken it to a physical level, you can't condone this behaviour and you no longer want to socialise with her? You can't be part of enabling this abusive, controlling relationship?
Perhaps test the waters first by only saying that this is what you feel like doing rather than saying outright that is what you are actually going to do.. This might shock him into listening to you a bit more. But tread carefully. You don't want to alienate him.

Unfortunately, I agree with the PP who said that there is likely to be a sudden issue which will prevent him travelling (in her mind). Warn him of this, it will happen (might also be useful so he can see the script IYKWIM). Also agree with being very careful in case she gets pregnant.

He needs to be really, really careful with contraception. Always use a condom, one which she has had no chance to tamper with. Thee are other things he can do (or not do) to ensure that she doesn't fall pg.

If she can't get pg to bind him, she may develop a serious, life-long condition, a heart murmur or a rare cancer. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but forewarned is forearmed.

Roll on the Ireland trip!

Good luck with the Ireland trip. Hopefully it will give your brother a much needed break and give you all a chance to readjust and take stock. Really hoping she doesn’t put a spanner in the works and cause mayhem. But presented is prewarned. As others have raised, I do think your brother needs to be careful about her becoming pregnant. Thinking of you all and please keep us posted. I really feel for your brother and for you. Whatever happens you must keep your relationship with him going, xxx

God I didn't even think of the pregnancy thing. I feel so helpless, like I'm just waiting for a ticking time bomb to go off. I feel like I have a better grasp on how to approach him and try and sort that aspect of it, but I'm massively struggling with the feeling of impending doom hanging over me. I know it's going to get worse before it gets better. I feel anxious, drained, just generally shit. And I know he must be feeling this but twice as much so I feel selfish for feeling this way.

Had to do a name change because I was worried about this being outing.

Sorry for the just general ranting and feeling sorry for myself.

Please don't apologise, you have a right to be worried & its great you can
have a rant on here, think of it as thinking out loud

Take care of yourself this is very draining on you too, you love him & want to be there for him but do whatever you need to, to keep yourself from getting too anxious.

I hope you have a lovely family time in Ireland you could both use the break.

Your brother should read this and take her violence very seriously.

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5621193/amp/Controlling-girlfriend-jailed-seven-years.html

Thanks so much @DoryNow ❤️. It is definitely thinking out loud, it's so isolating not being able to feel like I can talk to anybody IRL about this.

Hi Ellen7262

I hope all went well in Ireland & you got some nice downtime with the family & your bro in particular

Great advice here, I hope it can save your brother a lot of time and pain. Just wanted to say I know a couple of men who've been subject to DV and they were just like you say your brother is, strong, capable, all that. One is an ex-army guy who survived being shot on active service! It can happen to anyone, your brother is not weak or any less of a man because of what she is doing, I hope he can be helped to see that. Best of luck.

Hi @DoryNow! We are in Ireland at the moment, going home tomorrow! He does seem to have seen the light - has said a few times how good it is to be away from her and how being away from her has shown that her behaviour isn't acceptable. Had a big heart to heart last night where he said that he was going to end things with her as soon as he gets back. Fingers crossed that this means the end is in sight, however I have a feeling it won't be as easy as that! X

Thanks for update op

Glad you got professional advice OP so now you can be confident that your gut was right. It may take him time to see what you can and it's horrible watching someone isolate themselves because of an abusive relationship. I hope you are able to maintain a relationship whilst he figures this stuff out.

Best of luck.

Sounds like absence makes the mind see sense!
He is lucky to have you op.

Was going to suggest that maybe they do need to spend more time together and that there is give and take. Then I read the DV part- nope not on.

She is being so obviously manipulating. It probably stems from her own insecurity but that is not your problem.

There isn't much more you can do unfortunately except be there for your brother. I sincerely hope no child results from this relationship and that is something you could drop into conversation with him.

I feel so sorry for all of you. No real advice from me but plenty of others have offered helpful suggestions. I wonder if your parents have any idea at all about what is going on even without being told directly. It would be interesting to get their opinion on the woman without betraying your brother's confidence.

@Rebecca36 DM has told me this week that she is worried about him because she doesn't think his girlfriend treats him well. Don't think she knows the full extent of it but she's definitely got an inkling!

Hi OP !

Great news -so glad you've had a good break & the breathing space has helped your DBro see the light.

When its a woman on here planning to leave the advice is to have back up & I would say the same to him.

Pack up any stuff of hers & leave it near the door before she comes over (he still has his own place from what you've said?) & tell her firmly with no room for discussion that it's finished.

Have someone nearby but out of sight who can intervene/ be a witness if she gets rough.

Then get the locks changed just as a precaution.

Hope he can find the strength to carry it through, not easy bless him.

As an aside I think if your DM has an inkling you could fill her in as you are not betraying a confidence just confirming what she already has gut instinct about.

Good luck.

I hope he goes ahead with it, expect threats of all kinds from her but they may well be empty threats!

@DoryNow thank you for that advice! I just hope it all goes smoothly - we're getting his locks changed as soon as we get back tomorrow and then he's going to end it with her (with the stuff she has at his packed up and ready to go). He's managed to talk to my dad about it and he's going to be there too so he can diffuse it if necessary! I feel better knowing that there's a plan in place ready to get her out his life for good!

Will keep you updated!