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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my mum a +1?

153 replies

bridetobe2017 · 29/08/2018 17:45

My mum has just whatsapp'd me and said "if I play my cards right I'll have a plus one for the wedding"
I haven't even replied as I'm a bit gobsmacked. She hasn't even asked? Not sure me or my fiancé want somebody that we don't know attending either? Aibu?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 30/08/2018 09:54

I didn’t invite people I hadn’t even met to my wedding.

OP I am with you on this

Sonders · 30/08/2018 10:13

How about saying to your mum, "Ok, but you're going to have to let one of your best friends know they're out as you need to spot for this new fella"

Original poster
bridetobe2017 · 30/08/2018 10:16

Me and my father do not have any type of relationship due to my mum using me as a weapon and keeping us apart. I've no idea where in the world my dad is, or if he is even alive anymore Sad
I don't wish to drip feed but me and my mum are not the closest, I have paid for her dress, her hair and make up. She is not giving us a wedding gift so it is fair to say I don't exactly want to bend over backwards to accommodate a complete randomer.
If friends/family can't hack being away from their partner for more than a couple of hours, they are welcome to not attend. I'm not forcing them to come. And a few of my friends have actually said a night away from their partner is going to be bliss. It's also child free - shoot me Smile but only one of my friends has children and doesn't mind.
Like a pp said we genuinely only want people we actually know at our wedding, we want to be able to name them in the photos, I don't think that's wrong or unfair.
Again I'm shocked that my mum didn't exactly ask, it's more the implication that because she's my mum she can do what she wants without asking. We've not allowed my MIL to bring her partner, she hasn't even asked. She's more than capable of attending her sons wedding with the rest of the family

OP posts:
DisgustedofSouthend · 30/08/2018 10:19

why isnt the mil allowed her partner? is he a new partner too?

very strange.
but your wedding your decision

Original poster
bridetobe2017 · 30/08/2018 10:20

Relatively new yes but also we don't know him.
If he attended then my FIL wouldn't

OP posts:
DisgustedofSouthend · 30/08/2018 10:21

oh families!
just say no op

fieryginger · 30/08/2018 10:26

It'd be nice to meet plus one before our wedding day, mum. The reason being is that it's our wedding day and although I'm happy you're dating, your my mum and it'd blindside me, meeting your date on my wedding day.

Would be my response.

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 10:29

I don't think she's actually asking for a plus one, just sounds like a slightly awkward way of letting you know she's dating. She said 'if I play my cards right I might have a plus one' that doesn't sound like 'I'm bringing my new boyfriend', more like I'm excited to be dating someone I like and it might even go somewhere.

ChipsNotDaddy · 30/08/2018 12:07

It does sound like its possible she is just using that as a turn of phrase to tell you she is dating.

But you know her more than us.

I would simply text back "no plus ones, remember!" Or something like that. You dont wanna kick off if she isn't being serious.

On another note, I thought weddings were about having fun and joining together, you sound like a bridezilla and it all sounds very orchestrated.

But what do I know, I'm not married

StealthNinjaMum · 30/08/2018 12:29

She sounds awful. If it was a close relationship I might've felt you should let her man come to be nice but your most recent update changes things.

I hope that you can resolve this and you're able to have a happy day how you want it.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2018 13:22

“Her child is getting married. She has a family day. She has 2 friends there. She should be happy. If she can't be happy at her child's wedding without her latest shag then she needs to get a grip.”

THIS!

Clearly a lot of people replying have no experience or understanding of dysfunctional or manipulative parents

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/08/2018 13:37

I did have a plus 1 issue once, basically my XH and I were invited to a wedding, we split up and I was with someone else, my best friend at first said no to him going (even though I was already supposed to be taking someone) but eventually she decided it was fine, I didn't kick up a fuss but did hint that I wouldn't be comfortable going alone (it was a flight and weekend stay away), it wasn't a random plus 1, I was having a baby with him and we are still together 13 years later! I can understand her reservations of course though.

Bloody hell ZanyMobster, how early did your friend's invitations go out for all that to happen?!

CrossFlannelCherry · 30/08/2018 14:13

Weddings really do polarise opinion don't they? I would not include a +1 for single friends. Who wants strangers at their wedding? And who would want to go to the wedding of people they had never met? "Oh hi, nice to meet you", as you take your place for the 'friends' photographs. My DD married last year and because she didn't invite her cousin's new boyfriend, he replied with a 'regret' card, no explanation given (although his brother told us it was because the new bloke wasn't invited), and afterwards left lots of comments on FB posts from the wedding, along the lines of "gutted I couldn't be there", "so sad I missed this". It has sadly affected my DD's relationship with her cousin. He's relationship didn't last btw. Also, the PP who said a wedding day is almost as important for the MOTB, what rubbish. I've seen two DD's down the aisle and my role has been to support and assist not to see it as my day too. My philosophy on any wedding is "their day, their way", unlike my own DM who, 31 years ago, threatened to boycott my wedding because I asked my big brother to give me away not my step-father (who I hardly knew but from what I did know didn't like). You are not being unreasonable OP, but from your later post it does sound as if your DM was just excitedly sharing with you that she has a date on the horizon.

Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2018 14:18

Weddings have changed so much in the last 40 years. Now they are just the couples big party and celebration. Not much to do with anyone else.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 30/08/2018 14:23

So as a hypothetical OP, if your best friend of twenty years, has been married to her husband for say, five years but you've never actually met him, is he not getting invited?

Just wondering for context.

FWIW I can completely understand not wanting some fella your mum has dated a handful of times not sitting at whatever constitutes as your top table etc. but I've never heard of not inviting long term partners or marrieds.

FromNowOn · 30/08/2018 14:40

I imagine her friends will be a bit pissed off. They’ve been invited to keep her company and have been pushed aside for some man she’ll have known for 4 weeks. Any idea what their thoughts on it are? Maybe they should just not bother if their company isn’t enough!

Original poster
bridetobe2017 · 30/08/2018 15:57

@iggle I suppose he would be invited then but none of my friends are actually married/have a long term partner, at least 8 of them are in relationships that have begun in the last two months.
A handful are in relationships that begun around april.
The only person in a relationship that's over a year old, is my brother so no plus ones weren't given when invitations went out

OP posts:
Original poster
bridetobe2017 · 30/08/2018 15:58

One of her friends used to do a lot of childcare in the early days of me having PND so I think she'll still be coming as I actually know her, the other friend no idea.
I wouldn't have a problem with her having a plus one if 1) she'd actually asked if she could bring him and 2) I knew him

OP posts:
Original poster
bridetobe2017 · 30/08/2018 15:59

And definitely not her clumsy way of telling me she's dating, she's already said him coming to the wedding means she'll have somebody to sit beside

OP posts:
FromNowOn · 30/08/2018 16:10

So does she think he’ll be on the top table?! (Are you having one?) Won’t she be sitting next to her friends? Has she forgotten her friends are going? Hmm

IncyWincyGrownUp · 30/08/2018 16:19

Tell her your guests are your family and friends, not her fuck buddies.

mrssapphirebright · 30/08/2018 16:20

My mum did this to me when exh and i married. Got with her bf 6 weeks before the wedding. Wanted to bring him to the ceremony which was only family and close friends, we said he could come to the evening reception and that was it. Apparently he sulked a lot about it and said how unreasonable we were blah blah.

I'm glad we put our foot down as he was an ex within a year.

I'd be surprised if your own mother didn't know anyone at her daughters wedding.

OliviaBenson · 30/08/2018 16:42

Just say no op. Your mum sounds like hard work.

Although it might not happen anyway, I can imagine the first date now and your Mum inviting the poor unsuspecting bloke to her daughters wedding- is it really likely that he'd accept? No way I would to a stranger, way to soon!!

fattyboomboomboom · 30/08/2018 19:34

I heard about someone taking a blind date to a wedding. He had a seat at the top table. It was the one and only time they ever met.

Poloshot · 30/08/2018 19:39

Tell her he's not invited, end of discussion, it's CF to the extreme