Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my mum a +1?

153 replies

bridetobe2017 · 29/08/2018 17:45

My mum has just whatsapp'd me and said "if I play my cards right I'll have a plus one for the wedding"
I haven't even replied as I'm a bit gobsmacked. She hasn't even asked? Not sure me or my fiancé want somebody that we don't know attending either? Aibu?

OP posts:
Nolagerformethanks · 29/08/2018 18:36

It's probably just her odd way of telling you she's dating someone.... tell her he can only come to the evening do due to costs/venue numbers etc she might not 'play her cards right anyway and it may not amount to anything, please try not to let it upset your big day Smile

StroppyWoman · 29/08/2018 18:37

YABU

She's your mum.
It's HER big day almost as much as yours. Mother Of The Bride is a massive deal.
She's likely from a generation where going to a wedding alone is Not The Thing and a bit embarrassing.

Again, she's your mum and she's bound to be excited. Who cares who she brings? If it makes YOUR MOTHER WHO RAISED YOU happy, then smile, say "That's great" and welcome whomever it is. You'll have so many other people to focus on.

My Mum wanted her favourite cousin and her husband invited to our wedding. I didn't want them. But hell, it made my mum happy, it was only 2 people, she's done so much for me all over my life. Why wouldn't I make a significant event for her as pleasant as possible?

Ginslinger · 29/08/2018 18:39

how on earth do people get to know other people if they exclude them from events - this person may end up spending many years with your mother. She also seems very happy by the idea and I think it would be a kindness to allow him to come.

Sisterlove · 29/08/2018 18:41

Why not tell her you have given final numbers for catering so cannot change it, if you don't want her to bring anyone.

NotTheFordType · 29/08/2018 18:45

"Hi Mum. Glad to hear you excited about dating! Sadly we've already finalised numbers, so since you've got Betty and Mabel as your +2, which one would you like me to uninvite?"

bimbobaggins · 29/08/2018 18:46

It’s not her big day as much as the brides stroppy

donquixotedelamancha · 29/08/2018 18:46

I'm annoyed she. Hasn't even asked if it would be ok

For some strange reason your Mum assumed she was important enough to the wedding to warrant bringing a guest. She obviously overestimates the relationship you have. Just politely explain that you are strapped for cash and are only shelling out on two meals for people you really want to come.

Trying not to be all bridezilla Great job so far!

AnotherRandomMale · 29/08/2018 18:47

I am not sure Hester

You can be lonely in a relationship, and not lonely as a singleton. I know I have experienced both.

However, single people in later life do seem to experience the worst loneliness. Being in a couple is no guarantee you won't be lonely but I suspect it improves the odds somewhat.

Sandstormbrewing · 29/08/2018 18:47

Well then you cut your cloth down to what you can afford. Your guests won't enjoy themselves without their partners there. My guests enjoyment was the priority in my wedding planning.

Actually I find the opposite is true - if DH doesn't know anyone other than me I find it difficult to enjoy myself as I feel I have to entertain and keep him company, where as I could be catching up with friends and dancing. I also hate going as a +1 as I feel awkward and like I'm stopping DH from having fun with his friends!

happymummy12345 · 29/08/2018 18:52

I would not invite anyone to an event without an option for a plus 1. When we got married couples were invited together, with the option to bring someone else if their partner could not attend. And single people were given a plus 1 option. It's rude to expect someone to go alone.

NameChange30 · 29/08/2018 18:52

YANBU

When we sent our wedding invitations, we invited couples or groups of family and friends so everyone would have company, and we made sure any guests who were single would have a friend there. My mum didn’t have a significant partner (think she might have been dating but not sure) so she asked if she could bring a friend and we of course said yes. So she had her plus one. And no we wouldn’t have invited a new boyfriend if he came on the scene 6 weeks or less before the wedding. It was for our family and close friends, not people we’d never met.

fattyboomboomboom · 29/08/2018 18:53

OP - I think she's kidding. Like the way people ask if they should buy a hat if you see someone twice.

Missingstreetlife · 29/08/2018 18:57

Who would want to go to a wedding on this basis? It would be embarrassing. Just wait and see how it goes, if neccessary you can ask them to evening only, someone always drops out last minute.

Don't suppose it could be some long lost relative?

HesterMacaulay · 29/08/2018 18:59

My comment was taking a broader view AnotherRandomMale rather than looking at individual situations. The people in couples may well be less likely to be lonely. But society's focus on 'coupledom' makes life for many single people more lonely

Atalune · 29/08/2018 19:00

How many people have you got coming?

Is this your mums clumsy way of saying she’s seeing somebody?

I can understand if you are having quite a small affair it might be weird for everyone. But I do sort of agree maybe let her bring a date? Ring her and talk about it?

HelenUrth · 29/08/2018 19:01

I'm all for cheeky fuckers getting their comeuppance.

But in this case you don't talk about any previous behaviour or relationship issues, so I'd personally think it strange that you wouldn't let the person who brought you into the world have a partner with them on your wedding day - even though you have kindly invited friends for her.

Ok, you don't want strangers, but surely an exception gets to be made for a parent?! Perhaps suggest to her that she makes a contribution towards the cost of the extra guest (if it comes to that)? Like others, I think it seems as if she was more telling you that there seems to be a new man on the scene rather than definitively informing you that you have an extra guest at your wedding!

YorkshireBee · 29/08/2018 19:02

I agree with you, OP. I had similar at my wedding. One of my bridesmaids was single, but as she knew all the bridesmaids from school, and all my family, plus half of hers was invited (including various single siblings, cousins etc) I didn’t event consider giving her a +1. However, a few weeks before the wedding she said she wanted to bring a friend (who I hadn’t met) and I felt put on the spot and couldn't say no. Then, three weeks before, she started seeing someone and began talking about bringing him - thankfully in place of the friend, not as well as, but I still wasn’t thrilled to have a complete stranger there.
Needless to say, she spent the whole wedding running round after him, checking he was ok because he didn’t know anyone, etc. She missed some of the photos and disappeared off with him in the evening. She was a useless bridesmaid! I was really cross about it, and I wish I’d just had the courage to say no (kindly, and with my reasons) in the first place. I suggest having a gentle chat with your mum to check if she’s joking, and if not, carefully point out why it might be a bit strange. Hopefully she’ll take the hint.

HesterMacaulay · 29/08/2018 19:04

It's rude to expect someone to go alone.
What the hell does that mean?
Do you really not see how that attitude perpetuates the idea that being single is pitiable??!!

JynxaSmoochum · 29/08/2018 19:13

We gave +1s on a case by case basis. If we knew someone was in a relationship lasting more than a few months or didn't know other people there. We didn't have space for every single person to bring any random person along.

I don't think this is the time for her to have a +1. She has family and two friends there anyway. If it was an established relationship that would be different, but being the mother of the bride, her +1 will end up doing a fair bit of hanging around alone at times such as photos. An evening invitation is a fair compromise if appropriate to the celebrations.

ZanyMobster · 29/08/2018 19:15

This is a tricky one, she is possibly only joking?

6 weeks before to decide on a plus 1 is a bit odd especially as she hadn't mentioned anything before. Generally I would have invited plus 1s except for when it is a group of people (ie work colleagues I would invite in singles as they would come together). I think plus 1s are important if the person being invited knows no one other than bride and groom but many people are happy to just go in a group of friends. I definitely wouldn't want to upset my mum though so would probably go with it.

I did have a plus 1 issue once, basically my XH and I were invited to a wedding, we split up and I was with someone else, my best friend at first said no to him going (even though I was already supposed to be taking someone) but eventually she decided it was fine, I didn't kick up a fuss but did hint that I wouldn't be comfortable going alone (it was a flight and weekend stay away), it wasn't a random plus 1, I was having a baby with him and we are still together 13 years later! I can understand her reservations of course though.

Malbecfan · 29/08/2018 19:17

I don't think YABU. MiL refused to attend our wedding if FiL was invited. As he was estranged from DH, we didn't invite him but asked her to bring a friend. Friend was a total PITA; on photos of the groom's family, friends etc when she was neither. I wish we'd never bothered. Once the kids came along she insisted on being called Aunty X when she was no relation (DH squashed that immediately).

DH got in touch with FiL a couple of months after the wedding and we had 8 years of bridge-building with him and SMiL before she then he died. He was fine about the wedding; he was reconciled with DH, met and loved his granddaughters and it transpired that it was all MiL's fault that there had been estrangement.

OP, don't do it. Unless this chap can be trusted to fade into the background, he'll be on every photo and who knows if the relationship will last?

Vivaldi1678 · 29/08/2018 19:18

This is your mum, not a random guest .......!!!

Original poster
bridetobe2017 · 29/08/2018 19:19

So I spoke to my mum and it turns out she hadn't even met the guy and isn't meeting him for another 12 days, meaning by this point it'll only be 4 weeks until the wedding!

OP posts:
PlatypusPie · 29/08/2018 19:20

Of course it’s not poor form to invite an unknown plus 1 or recent partners not known to the bride and groom. It’s not a recent piece of etiquette- the idea of plus ones itself in the U.K. is relatively recent, though it has been a custom in the US. It’s not something that happens in my social circle - and my DD is getting married soon, and several friends have been through their offsprings weddings recently

Weddings are a social mix, different ages and relation ( not in the family sense) to the couple - it’s not the same as attending a company social event or a dance/ large dinner /ball when people may be expected to be in partners. Part of the fun of a wedding is meeting and talking to new people and reacquainting with old.

The MOB has a more central social role in the wedding than an average guest - it’s frankly bizarre for her to want to turn up with a random unknown. She is hardly going to be a lonely wallflower,sitting on sidelines not knowing anyone !

biscuitaddict · 29/08/2018 19:25

If the invites have gone out, they've gone out your guest list is finalised. Say nothing unless she specifically asks you if she can bring him to the wedding. Then may be evening do as numbers are done for day already. I've given up being excited for my mum and her partners because every time I get sucked in and every time it ends the next one is the better because xyz and it repeats.