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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s mother being a CF

144 replies

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 17:29

I’ve lived with DP for about ten years. When we met he had (student) debts and no job, just left university. I owned a house (privileged background, I had a trust fund but always saved it and bought my property) and a sum in the bank through saving. Trustfund stopped when I was 21 but I was working by then.

DP’s sister is going through her second divorce and, as with her first divorce, coming out with very little. The house has not gone up in value in the few years they’ve had it so breaking even on selling it, and not many assets.

DP’s mother has just asked me whether DP and I have wills. I said yes. She then wanted to know what would happen to my house (she called it DP’s house) if DP and I split up Hmm . I just said we weren’t splitting up! She then wanted to know what would happen if DP died Shock because her and DP’s dad are his “legal next of kin”.

WTF?

I think this has come about because of SIL’s
sad predicament but who asks questions like that?!

I started to remind her the house was mine before we met but then shut up, it’s none of her business is it?!

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 29/08/2018 17:32

Just say nothing would happen as it's your house and he doesn't have a share in it. End of.

honeysucklejasmine · 29/08/2018 17:32

Is he named on the mortgage? It's out of order for her to ask but maybe use this as an opportunity to make sure you both are happy with how your finances are arranged.

kenandbarbie · 29/08/2018 17:33

Yep, cf!!!!

serbska · 29/08/2018 17:33

Well, I guess she recognizes that her son in in a precarious financial position just like her daughter.

He isn't married, and if you split up he will get jack shit.

SpottingTheZebras · 29/08/2018 17:35

I bet his mother encourages him to marry you now to try to gain some financial security.

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2018 17:35

No it isn't her business.
OTOH she is your DP's next of kin as you are not married. So you and he ought to consider what you would like to happen if either of you were to become seriously ill or have an accident.
You both should make wills too.
Do you plan to have children?

Returnofthesmileybar · 29/08/2018 17:38

Well you should have just said "Well the house was mine before we met so if we broke up it was stay mine and if he dies it stays mine. If I die I have a will and that's not your concern" nicely but since she's asking why not just say the truth

lalalalyra · 29/08/2018 17:44

In your shoes I'd be making sure your DP was aware of his mother's words and considering if he wants a power of attorney - it's very clear his mother won't have you having a say if anything every happens to him.

She's obviously thinking that as you are not married anything of his will come to her and his father. Which is very grabby if it's not in a "Do you guys have wills? Do you realise there's no automatic transfer between you as your not married?" kind of way.

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2018 17:47

Are you absolutely sure she's being grabby and not just worried about what happened to her ds happening to him? Because presumably if you split up it will?

fuzzywuzzy · 29/08/2018 17:47

I’d get wills sorted if you haven’t already.

Other than that, well you saved and bought your own house, I wouldn’t put anyone on it. Unless your DP contributes towards any mortgage that may be secured against the house.

If you’ve no kids and not married, of course you each leave the relationship with whatever assets you entered into it. Presumably your DP has benefitted by living with you by not having massive outgoings and has managed to pay off most/all of his debts he bought with him to the relationship.

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2018 17:48

Sorry, what happened to her dd happening to him.

AnExcellentUsername · 29/08/2018 17:49

"I bet his mother encourages him to marry you now to try to gain some financial security."

And why not? If a woman posting here were in that position 99% of people here would be telling her to do exactly that.

Original poster
annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 17:54

No mortgage, I own it outright.

We have wills. Everything goes to each other if either died. If we both died estate is split down the middle and wills specify the (very simple) beneficiaries. DP’s parents don’t inherit.

If we split up DP wouldn’t be left with nothing if I kept the house. He has a super job and has never had to pay rent or mortgage so has loads of savings! I must admit it had never crossed my mind that we would ever split up!

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 29/08/2018 17:55

To be fair people on here only encourage women to marry their partners if they’re ttc or have children together and the mother (usually) has taken a career break to be a SAHM.

Original poster
annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 17:58

We keep meaning to get married just never got around to it lol!

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2018 18:05

Do you think she is being a CF - or that she is concerned that your DP might be left homeless if you either die or split up with him, because of what has happened to his sister? A lot of people are vague about the law on unmarried-but-cohabiting couples, so whether she was poking her nose in unfairly or simply worried about her son is something you can guage by what sort of person she is and what sort of relationship you have with her.

GreenTulips · 29/08/2018 18:05

Your DP needs to ensure his own future here. Either invest his savings wisely or buy a second property to rent out. At the moment you could kick him out and he'd have no where to go.

In this case marridge would only benefit him financially. Except if he inherited your property he would have to pay 40% inheritance tax over £325,000 to keep the house.
It's not payable between married couples.

MarthasGinYard · 29/08/2018 18:08

'I started to remind her the house was mine before we met but then shut up, it’s none of her business is it?!'

And repeat

With

'Of course I've made a will to protect my assets'

Original poster
annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 18:16

I think she’s being a cf because we are not splitting up and it’s none of her business. Just because SIL is... Our relationship has outlasted both SIL’s marriages. Now I can see where she might think “Oh what if that happens to DP?” but it’s none of her business. Why ask me and not her son? I haven’t asked her about her will!

We are planning to buy another property but keep liking the ones in the price bracket above what we can afford, so keep saving.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 29/08/2018 18:19

Unmarried couples should always consider what would happen if they split up. Would his "loads of savings" buy him a house?

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2018 18:20

And actually, it would be possible to argue that her son's future is her business......

Original poster
annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 18:22

BertrandRussell Yes he’s got enough for a deposit, is in his 30s and has a good income. He’d get a mortgage no problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 18:23

If she believes it’s her business, she should ask HIM!

OP posts:
Jammydodger81 · 29/08/2018 18:27

Bertrand maybe she should discuss that with her son then?

SpottingTheZebras · 29/08/2018 18:30

And actually, it would be possible to argue that her son's future is her business......

And that is fine, as long as she discusses it with him. He is an adult.