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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP’s mother being a CF

144 replies

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 17:29

I’ve lived with DP for about ten years. When we met he had (student) debts and no job, just left university. I owned a house (privileged background, I had a trust fund but always saved it and bought my property) and a sum in the bank through saving. Trustfund stopped when I was 21 but I was working by then.

DP’s sister is going through her second divorce and, as with her first divorce, coming out with very little. The house has not gone up in value in the few years they’ve had it so breaking even on selling it, and not many assets.

DP’s mother has just asked me whether DP and I have wills. I said yes. She then wanted to know what would happen to my house (she called it DP’s house) if DP and I split up . I just said we weren’t splitting up! She then wanted to know what would happen if DP died because her and DP’s dad are his “legal next of kin”.

WTF?

I think this has come about because of SIL’s
sad predicament but who asks questions like that?!

I started to remind her the house was mine before we met but then shut up, it’s none of her business is it?!

OP posts:

Twotailed · 29/08/2018 19:09

Oh yes, I forgot that on Mumsnet you are not allowed to have any feelings for or concerns about your adult children at all....

It’s one thing to be concerned about your adult child, it’s another thing entirely to ask rude and intrusive questions of another adult who is not your child because of it...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2018 19:10

She called it his house though. “What happens to “DP’s name’s house?”

If she wants to know about DP's position then she should be asking him, but TBH this ^^ is the bit I find most odd - especially when she'd visited you in it before you even lived together

It's just such a weird thing to say when it's so obvious it's not true ...

SirGawain · 29/08/2018 19:12

And actually, it would be possible to argue that her son's future is her business.
Their financial affairs are nothing to do with anyone else unless they choose to discuss them. He's thirty something not thirteen!
If my inlaws or even my parents tried to ask such questions of either me or Lady Gawain they would get very short shrift.

MarthasGinYard · 29/08/2018 19:15

'And actually, it would be possible to argue that her son's future is her business.'

Why?

They are adults

Original poster

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 19:16

It's just such a weird thing to say when it's so obvious it's not true ...

I wonder if she’s forgotten? Maybe she got used to telling everyone DP had a house, and now believes it!

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 29/08/2018 19:17

You really should get married if you want to leave all your money to him, given how rich you are there would be a huge inheritance tax bill - unless you are married.

It’s none of his mother’s business of course and if she was concerned about his financial security, housing rights etc she should have discussed it with him not you!

Sandstormbrewing · 29/08/2018 19:18

Out of interest do you have legal documentation to state what share, if any h`e has in your house should you split up? Even though you aren't married, he could argue he is entitled to some of the house.

Hadalifeonce · 29/08/2018 19:22

And again........ there is no such thing as legal next of kin. You could name your milkman as your next of kin if you wanted to.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 29/08/2018 19:22

If OP purchased the house outright from her trust fund before they met and he never paid anything towards it or did any renovations/improvements with her, he can argue all he wants. It'll do him fuck all good though.

She's quite right to be concerned, but clearly the discussion with OP was completely inappropriate and ought to have been had with her son. There was just no reason or need for it.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2018 19:23

Maybe her issue is sexism - you are the Little Woman therefore you can't possibly own property and the house must belong to your DP despite the fact that you bought it before you met him. Is she from some six-fingered backwater where men still rule, or something?

deepsea · 29/08/2018 19:23

Given what has happened to her dd I am not surprised she is now looking out for her ds. I would not take this personally op. I hate cf but in this case I think she is just overly anxious and worried something may now happen to her other child which is kind of understandable given she has been carried out.

I suspect his mother sees you in the driving seat and she wants to make sure her son doesn't come to harm. Be kind, any mother would feel this way.

Original poster

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 19:26

Sandstormbrewing No, he just moved in after uni and stayed . We have shared costs over the years, so I presume he would be entitled to a share if he decided to leave, don’t know. Never thought about it before today! We have no intention of splitting up!

OP posts:

Namelessinseattle · 29/08/2018 19:27

I’m hoping it’s out of concern because of her daughter - it might even be misplaced concern for you if she thinks it’s his house (I’m really really reaching here). My husband and I bought our house together before we were married and I always mention it to my friends who aren’t married that without a will their partners parents will end up with their partners share if anything happened.

Original poster

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 19:40

ReanimatedSGB Just told DP, he thinks it’s this.

deepsea If they want to be mercenary, he’s lived rent free for nearly a decade!

I just don’t think it’s appropriate to tell me they are his next of kin or ask about wills regardless of whose house it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 19:42

who aren’t married that without a will their partners parents will end up with their partners share if anything happened.

Yep, we were very conscious of this when we started acquiring assets together.

OP posts:

Banana8080 · 29/08/2018 19:43

If your partner has lived in house and contributed he has a claim if you split - I asked my other half to sign his rights away.

Not sure if he does though.

Get married, or get a will. Is my suggestion.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 29/08/2018 19:49

My mum comes out with mad crap sometimes, like my DH works part time (he works 7-3 plus overtime, but because he’s home early my mum files it as ‘part time’ in her head). She’s said it several times. She knows it isn’t true.

She can’t get her head round it not being the usual 9-5 or whatever. I bet this is the same thing with your partner’s mum, the status quo in her head is that men own property, not women, so she blanks out the bit about it being your house.

Original poster

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 19:57

DP thinks his M is assuming house is his because he’s a man and we’re not married . He says she’s flaky about stuff and wouldn’t remember ten years ago.

He thinks she was asking about wills because she’ll assume she will inherit “his” house etc. if he dies again because we’re not married.

So basically thinking aloud most probably because of her daughter’s situation.

But who the fuck asks?!

OP posts:

PuntCuffin · 29/08/2018 20:01

OP has already said they have wills, and the DP's parents are not beneficiaries. Therefore, they would not get anything if something happens to both her and her DP.

OP - it might seem premature, but if you are concerned that his parents have some odd ulterior motives (not sure what right now), given the next of kin comment, it might be worth you both setting up powers of attorney, to make sure that you would have the legal say over each other's money and healthcare.

Original poster

annoyedofrichmond · 29/08/2018 20:03

DP thinks his M is assuming house is his because he’s a man and we’re not married . He says she’s flaky about stuff and wouldn’t remember ten years ago.

He thinks she was asking about wills because she’ll assume she will inherit “his” house etc. if he dies again because we’re not married.

So basically thinking aloud most probably because of her daughter’s situation.

But who the fuck asks?!

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 29/08/2018 20:03

I could understand her being worried about her son's financial situation but she should take that up with her son - it's odd to broach it with you!

MissConductUS · 29/08/2018 20:04

He thinks she was asking about wills because she’ll assume she will inherit “his” house etc

So it's his tea that's getting the hemlock. There's no point in offing you since it's not your house to begin with.

And yes, it is beyond odd and creepy for her to ask. About how old is she? Could the lights be dimming a bit for her mentally?

HelloToYou · 29/08/2018 20:07

Just tell her that the house is yours & only yours. Set her straight right now before it escalates.

Ilikeeyes · 29/08/2018 20:09

They were discussing wills on This Morning....this morning, including what would happen to unmarried couples. Might she have been watching and that triggered the questions?

Morethanthisprovincallife · 29/08/2018 20:11

I thought the question was what would happen to dp House if he died. Ie his future is over, what happens to his share?

We should all of us make wills. All of us.

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