Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s new partner stopping him seeing his child

115 replies

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 05:27

My DD is a young adult and for some time I’ve been hearing stories about her dad’s new partner that led me to believe that she didn’t like my daughter. A few days ago my daughter called and arranged to see her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house. My daughter is currently seeing her dad once a month if she is lucky, before he moved in with his new partner she saw him weekly. AIBU to be upset and annoyed by this and, as she is a young adult, is it right for me to get involved? My daughter is definitely upset and unhappy with the situation.

(I’ve name changed for this and this is the first time I’m started a thread.)

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 29/08/2018 05:32

There's not much you can do. The new partner wouldn't last long if they tried to stop me seeing my children.

agnurse · 29/08/2018 05:33

This is really unfair to your DD. Unfortunately I'm not sure what you would be able to do about it, apart from setting up a regular schedule.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 05:44

My daughter seems to just be blaming the partner, though I’m definitely unhappy with her dad as well for not standing up for himself and our daughter. I think my daughter is also worried about her dad because he moved into his partner’s house, so if they split up he’ll need to find somewhere else to live.

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 29/08/2018 05:44

Yanbu to be upset and annoyed for your dd, and yes if it were me i would be having an initial conversation with my ex, but she is an adult and needs to be telling her dad herself how she feels however hard that may be. Have a chat with your dd, maybe you can start the conversation with a "dds a bit upset at the moment" and leave the rest to her. No one likes being pulled on their shit parenting, esp if its the ex doing it, even when its justified!

Shoxfordian · 29/08/2018 05:50

His new partner isn't stopping him seeing her. It's his choice and he chose to prioritise his new girlfriend over an arrangement with his daughter. Don't blame the new gf, blame him for not acting with integrity.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:03

Shoxfordian I blame them both. Nobody could stop me from seeing my child, but she is definitely making things difficult for him. She recently arranged a family break and booked it behind his back. Three of her children from a previous relationship went with them, my daughter wasn’t invited. Apparently he was furious about that, but doesn’t seem like she cares.

OP posts:
Rednaxela · 29/08/2018 06:07

He sounds like an idiot.

DD must call him out. You can't do it. Only she can.

"I haven't seen you much lately. Can we arrange a specific day each week to hang out?"

agnurse · 29/08/2018 06:08

As far as his living situation, your DD needs to understand that this is HIS problem, not hers.

He's a big boy. He can look after his own living arrangements.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:10

Phillipa12 As my daughter is is a young adult, I haven’t had to to talk to him in some time. I don’t currently have his number, as I lost my old phone, so I would need to get it from my daughter, or one of his relations. I don’t know if my daughter would appreciate me interfering, not that I think she will talk to him herself. She seems to think he has enough on his plate. Though, from my perspective, his problems all seem to stem from him putting up with his girlfriend, so his problems seems seem a bit self inflicted to me.

OP posts:
Excited0803 · 29/08/2018 06:12

I think you should tell him that his actions are upsetting his daughter (be specific but unemotional about which actions and why they upset her) and tell him that he needs to prioritise her needs better. It can't cause any issues just to let him know.

KC225 · 29/08/2018 06:13

Still agree with shoxeven after your update. If really wanted to see his daughter - he would. If he was so furious about his daughter being left out of the holiday he would insisted she was booked in the holiday or have refused to go and spent the week doing stuff with his child. I can understand your DD not wanting to accept her Dad has been crappy and choosing his new life over her but come OP you are a grown up. The new partner is not making it easy but ultimately its his decision.

Excited0803 · 29/08/2018 06:14

I'd get the number or address from one of his relations rather than your daughter if that's possible.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:19

KC225 My daughter mentioned that she heard his family members mentioning that he had been really depressed recently, so I think this is why she is giving him a bit of a pass at the moment. She did tell me a few months ago that she thought he was an asshole, so she has definitely noticed and acknowledged his crappy behaviour! I was disappointed with how he dealt with the holiday situation. There is no way I would put up with that and I think if a partner did this with me then I’d go right off them.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 06:22

How old is your daughter?

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:23

She’s almost 20.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 06:24

Then no, you shouldn't get involved, and definitely not behind her back. She's an adult, and it's up to her and him to sort this out.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:31

Rachie1973 If she was a couple of years younger I think I would definitely get involved, but I’m still not sure if she is adult enough to deal with this alone. She’s been struggling herself recently and I think she’s a bit vulnerable. He doesn’t know how bad she’s been because his involvement has been rather minimal for the last couple of years or so. I don’t think doing anything behind her back is a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:39

I kind of wish his mother would have a word with him! She knows what’s going on with him and she sees him, possibly more often than my daughter does. I know he’s an adult, but if it were my child, I think I would have to say something. She would probably have more influence than me, as I’m just the mother of his adult child, we split up a really long time ago now.

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 29/08/2018 06:46

Could your DD speak to his mother directly?

Shoxfordian · 29/08/2018 06:50

Nobody could stop me from seeing my child either but she can and is stopping him. Weak man.

It's not your fight though. Let your daughter come to her own conclusions about her father and if she doesn't want to see him in future then its his own fault.

Amanduh · 29/08/2018 06:55

Excuses excuses. Don’t blame the partner. The only person stopping him seeing his child is HIM!

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:56

headhurtstoomuch Yes, though I’ve never had to, so I don’t know how that would go. I think I’ll have a word my daughter again and see if she would allow me to call her gran to discuss things. I’ve been a bit concerned about my daughter recently, problems with her dad are the last thing she needs. I don’t want to go behind her back though, I need to keep her trust.

Again I know he shouldn’t be putting up with it, but I can’t understand why somebody would try and stop their partner spending time with their child. What kind of person does that? Who grudges their partner seeing their child once a week for a few hours?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 06:58

Amanduh I still blame them both. He shouldn’t put up with it, or allow it, but she is being a completely unreasonable bitch imho.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 07:00

Your daughter is an adult dont get involved.
Stop blaming the new partner if he wanted to see her more he could.
One thing I would say is sometimes some parents with adult children dont expect to see their kids every week when they become adults. Once a month is normal for some people.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 07:03

Apparently she blames the menopause for being touchy etc. I’ve never heard that trying to prevent your partner from having a relationship with his child is a symptom of menopause, but maybe I’m mistaken? There is a good chance he’s depressed, so that could explain why he is being weak on this, but that still doesn’t completely excuse him for letting this continue.

OP posts: