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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex’s new partner stopping him seeing his child

115 replies

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 05:27

My DD is a young adult and for some time I’ve been hearing stories about her dad’s new partner that led me to believe that she didn’t like my daughter. A few days ago my daughter called and arranged to see her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house. My daughter is currently seeing her dad once a month if she is lucky, before he moved in with his new partner she saw him weekly. AIBU to be upset and annoyed by this and, as she is a young adult, is it right for me to get involved? My daughter is definitely upset and unhappy with the situation.

(I’ve name changed for this and this is the first time I’m started a thread.)

OP posts:
Soulqueen · 29/08/2018 08:55

I do think he should be called out on his behaviour. However I expect it wouldn’t make any difference if he was. He would either get defensive or feel guilty and still not see his daughter if he is happy to put his partner first.

Also since you split 15 years ago and your dd is now an adult I don’t think it’s your place to do it.

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:57

viques wanting to see her own father on a regular basis is making demands on her family’s life?! Personally I just think it’s just a normal expectation and quite healthy. She didn’t expect to be taken on holiday, but she would have appreciated an invite. Her father, however, expected her to be invited, but his girlfriend didn’t give him the opportunity to do so, so how is that disrupting her arrangements when she got everything her own way?

OP posts:
whoaskedyou · 29/08/2018 09:01

You sound a bit over-involved to me, as others have said. All your info seems to be from a far from impartial source - your DD. You don't know what goes on in your ex's home/relationship really and what discussions have taken place about holidays, visits etc. I understand you want to support your DD but it's between her and her Dad. She's an adult and may have to adjust to a new sort of relationship with her father which includes finding mutually acceptable times and places to meet.

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 09:02

Bananasinpyjamas11 I didn’t call him weak, I may have said she is acting like a bitch, because I feel it’s the best way to describe how she is behaving.

Do you mean the weekly contact with his family, not him? She does see them a lot, although that is partly because she hopes to see her dad at the same time. With him it’s monthly if she’s lucky, I don’t think that’s a lot.

OP posts:
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 09:09

whiaskedyou I’ve been paying close attention to my daughter recently and asking her more questions than normally, because things seem to have been deteriorating for two years now and nobody seems to be doing anything about it. I think it’s having an impact on my daughter, so I’d like to help resolve matters if possible. If it wasn’t for my daughter’s problems with her dad I wouldn’t give a flying fig about his relationship.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/08/2018 09:11

I just think give this Dad a chance in his new relationship before going in and calling her a bitch. You don’t know that she is a bitch, you don’t even know this is anything to do with her! And putting that across even subtly to your DD is going to influence her greatly. DD will already be having confused feelings about her Dad paying attention to another woman, when she’s had it all her life.

Don’t fuel the anti new GF fire. Even if it’s true, but you can’t know that. You don’t know how she is behaving at all. Maybe she’s really helping him rebuild his life, helping his depression and making him happy.

Your DD wants a happy Dad doesn’t she? One that won’t be over reliant on her when she’s older.

Believe me, as a SM I get blamed for absolutely everything. And the reality is far from it being about me!

All this does is foster I’ll feeling all directed at the new woman.

SandyY2K · 29/08/2018 09:19

20 is absolutely a young adult. I do feel sorry for your DD. Just because your child reaches the age of 18, it doesn't mean you don't care or wouldn't have concerns about them. Being told to 'keep out' isn't helpful, especially when the OP didn't indicate she'd get involved.

It could be that he's scared of losing a place to live and is being manipulated.
He's in a situation where his partner seems to have control....no different than women (especially financially dependant ones) who stay in abusive relationships.
When you are dependant on another adult in this way... it gives them power over you.

He's being weak...just as abused women are weak. This isn't victim blaming...It is what it is. Abusers target weak people.

I'm not sure why he can't call your DD and arrange to see her for a coffee out of the house and she won't have to see his OH.

Does he work? Surely she could meet him after work one day if he does? Or does his partner control his every move?

bringincrazyback · 29/08/2018 09:20

This does sound unfair and upsetting for your DD, and if your ex's new DP's attitude is leading to your DD not getting to spend as much time with her dad as she wants to, his new DP is BU and needs to accept she has to compromise more. But the person who should have that conv with her IMHO is your ex.

That said - and I'm likely to get jumped on here, but I'm going to say it anyway - your DD and ex shouldn't be making weekend plans without consulting his new DP as to whether those plans work OK for her, she's entitled to a say in how time gets spent in her own home at weekends.

takeittakeit · 29/08/2018 09:22

OP - Parental alienation at any age is a horrible thing to watch, when you are the outsider and bystander. Mine were a lot younger than yours when it happened and even then as the mother to two young children there was little I could do.

Occasionally I would mention it and get a mouthful of abuse for my efforts. I wrote an e mail once, after a particularly bad occasion and got a solicitors letter warning me of emotional abuse. There was no bad language - just a reminder that his 2 DCs loved him and needed him in their lives

Other than mentioning it to his Mum, there is little you can do but watch and support your daughter.

Mine left her eventually and over a coffee, we had an extremely heartbreaking chat. He knew what she was doing and let her - that is the part I can never ever forgive and neither will my DCs. He let her manipulate him - weak pathetic twat for doing it and she deliberately did it- nasty pernicious bitch.

minisoksmakehardwork · 29/08/2018 09:24

Why doesn't DD arrange to meet her dad at her house? If she still lives with you, would it be too much trouble for you to be elsewhere if it would be a problem for you.

Cindersdonegood · 29/08/2018 09:25

Wow I don't know where all this hate for your position, OP, has come from. After being apart for over 15 years And from what you've written here I don't see any jealousy at all? Annoyance at your ex? Sure. But that the whole reason for the post.

And I can't see how this is jealousy of this new relationship from the DD's point of view either. It's been over two years now. Two years of her relationship being whittled away by her DF cowing to his GF's wishes when it comes to his daughter. And it is STILL all on him. She may be setting the rules but it is him stupidly following them when he shouldn't.

Having contact with your own child is not and never will be a step child "making demands on their every day life". It's his child. For life. Seeing your children for a few hours once a week is not intrusive even if they are adults.

I've had nice step mums and truly vile ones. What matters is how the dad allows it to go on. My dad wouldn't stand up to wife #2 and hurt DSis and I because of it. I must remember to ask him WTF he was thinking. It's bugged me for almost 20 years now.

I wish your Daughter good luck. She needs to confront her dad alone and tell him how she feels. He has the choice to fix it or hurt his DD.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/08/2018 09:37

There’s no hate anywhere that I can see? @cinders Everyone has been polite to OP. Who has called the new gf a bitch. That’s where the hate is directed.

Support her DD to talk to her Dad is fine and good. Agreeing with DD that new gf is behind all of this is not helpful. Let DD find her own way.

SandyY2K · 29/08/2018 09:53

her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house.

Those saying it's not the GF's fault. Do you think DD was lying other dad is lying here?

What needs doing around the house and would take priority over seeing your child...even if they're an adult.

The thing to remember is that while she is an adult... She hasn't had her childhood years living with her dad or seeing him on a daily basis and now her dad is seeing his GFs kids everyday and once a month seems impossible with her.

PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 10:53

"Those saying it's not the GF's fault. Do you think DD was lying other dad is lying here?"

Why would they have to be lying here? Perhaps he had said he would get some jobs done round the house and forgot so rang back to say he couldnt.
I don't see the issue here with that.

Also in regards to the holiday, why make such a big deal of it when she wouldnt go anyway? Its like you are desperately trying to find things wrong in the new wife when there could be explainations for all of it, as she hasnt actually done anything nasty.
You havent met her, You dont talk to him theres no point presuming what goes on you just dont know.
Your daughter is an adult she out of anyone in this situation is the only one who can sort it by telling her Dad how she feels.

timeisnotaline · 29/08/2018 10:59

Stop blaming them both. She could be incredibly horrible and controlling. The responsibility and fault still lies 100% with your daughters dad.

Apehouse · 29/08/2018 11:45

Maybe your ex needs a dose of reality? If you can manage to tell him how much damage he is causing, it might be useful. You are better placed to be assertive than your DD.

AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 11:47

A few days ago my daughter called and arranged to see her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house. My daughter is currently seeing her dad once a month if she is lucky, before he moved in with his new partner she saw him weekly

Your exs new partner is not stopping him seeing his child. He is choosing to to spend time with his girlfriend and not his child.

Explain to your daughter that blaming other women for the failings of men is not ok.

Mabelface · 29/08/2018 11:58

I stepped in and my children are a similar age. I stayed emotionless and told him that I was doing this so he didn't lose his relationship with them, and nothing to do with my feelings. Whilst he's not perfect, there has been an improvement and his woman has wound her neck in.

bringincrazyback · 29/08/2018 12:57

Your exs new partner is not stopping him seeing his child. He is choosing to to spend time with his girlfriend and not his child.

She's not a child.

bringincrazyback · 29/08/2018 13:06

she is the one that makes my daughter feel unwelcome

In what way(s) is she doing this, OP?

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 14:18

I said his girlfriend is acting like a bitch in this situation, I still think she acting like a bit of a bitch in this situation. I think that because I have never stopped him seeing his child (and she will always be his child no matter how old she is), or put obstacles in the way of him seeing his child. At the very least she is putting obstacles in his way and I think that is a very bitchy thing to do. I have only called her a bitch here, briefly I might add, I haven’t called her that in front of my daughter. My daughter is old enough to make up her own mind and, as well as never stopping her dad from seeing her, I have never been one to bad mouth her father to her and I wouldn’t do that with his girlfriend either. My DD loves her dad and I want their relationship to be a good one, but I feel I have been watching it slowly begin to fail which is the main reason why I posted.

My daughter would be pleased if she thought her dad was happy, but she is concerned he isn’t happy at all.

I never said the girlfriend shouldn’t have some say in what happens in her home at the weekend. Indeed, it seems perfectly reasonable that she should have a say in what happens in her home. I would also say that the same should go for my daughter’s dad, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. The girlfriend has her three children there almost all of the time, my ex has his daughter their very rarely. He has been meeting my daughter at his relatives homes. Surely he should be able to have his daughter visit his occasionally without his ex trying to stop it/putting obstacles in his way.

I’m not encouraging my DD to blame other women for the failings of men. He’s not dealing with the situation at all well imho, but the situation seems to be caused by the problems that are, at least in part, being caused by his girlfriend. That doesn’t mean I am letting him off the hook, I do essentially think he should man up and stand up to his partner and I’m really surprised that he hasn’t already done so.

The point about the holiday was that she is not being included in her dad’s new family. Apparently against her father’s wishes.

She is not being made welcome in numerous ways that mainly didn’t seem like much on their own, but altogether seem to a pattern. For instance, my DD was eating something and went to the loo, when she came back her food was in the bin and the plate was on the dish drainer. She had an overnight bag for the very odd occasion she was staying over, this disappeared months ago and has never been seen again, although she asked for it several times. My daughter follows a special diet and they never have anything suitable for her to eat, so my daughter bought a few things to have when she was at their house. When she went to make herself something to eat, things had been thrown out, or had already been eaten leaving her with nothing to eat, again.

OP posts:
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 14:20

*there

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 29/08/2018 14:41

But if the gf booked the holiday did she or even her mother pay for it? You just don't know. You also don't know whether your ex is pretending to be cross DD wasn't invited.

You must realise whatever the gf wants yiur ex has the ultimate choice/responsibility as to whether he choses to have a relationship with his daughter and how that pans out on a day to day basis.

AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 15:00

She's not a child

I said HIS child, not A child. Do you understand the difference? Are you no longer your parents child after your 18th birthday? Hmm

AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 15:01

I’m not encouraging my DD to blame other women for the failings of men. He’s not dealing with the situation at all well imho, but the situation seems to be caused by the problems that are, at least in part, being caused by his girlfriend

You are. You are doing it in the next sentence. It's not being caused by his girlfriend, its him.
If a man told you not to see your daughter, would you go along with it?