Ex’s new partner stopping him seeing his child

[Notveryhelpful]

My DD is a young adult and for some time I’ve been hearing stories about her dad’s new partner that led me to believe that she didn’t like my daughter. A few days ago my daughter called and arranged to see her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house. My daughter is currently seeing her dad once a month if she is lucky, before he moved in with his new partner she saw him weekly. AIBU to be upset and annoyed by this and, as she is a young adult, is it right for me to get involved? My daughter is definitely upset and unhappy with the situation.

(I’ve name changed for this and this is the first time I’m started a thread.)

You are clutching at straws, trying to find an excuse as to why your ex isn't meeting up with his daughter on a regular basis, and also looking to vilify his new partner. Your ex invites his daughter round and your daughter won't go as she feels she is unwelcome. Maybe your daughter is the problem and that is why she didn't get invited on the holiday? Or maybe, it might simply be, that your daughter is now an adult and should be forging her own life/holidays with friends etc and not having a teenage strop because she didn't get invited with daddy and the girlfriend who apparently makes her feel unwelcome! You need to step away and stop bad mouthing until you have all the facts.

ReservoirDogs When I say he was angry, I genuinely believe he was angry and he wasn’t simply using his partner as an excuse. He may be my ex, and I may be unhappy with him at the moment, but he’s not generally a liar.

AnEPleaseBob No I wouldn’t go along with a man who told me not to see my daughter, which is why exactly I am unhappy with my ex. His ex is still involved with the problems my DD and ex are having though. You obviously disagree with this and that’s fine. I will say the purpose of my post was to ask if I should get involved. Essentially I’m asking for advice on how to help my daughter and ex to improve their relationship. So I would like to move on from the blame game and to focus on that if you have any helpful advice?

NobodysChild Or maybe what I’ve said is right! I’m not trying vilify anyone! I’ve said I believe the girlfriend has behaved badly, as has my ex. I think to say I’m vilifying them is a bit of an overreaction imho. I simply want things to get better. As I’ve just written I’d like to move on to discussing solutions.

I said HIS child, not A child. Do you understand the difference? Are you no longer your parents child after your 18th birthday?

Yes, I understand the difference, thank you, I'm a professional editor. The point I was making was that OP's DD is an adult and this casts a somewhat different light on things than if she was still a child.

Since you ask, I do think it's a bit weird to use 'child' rather than 'son' or 'daughter' to denote adult offspring. I don't consider myself my parents' 'child' any more, I'm their daughter.

OP it does sound like your DD's getting some really crappy treatment when she goes over there, that's strange and must be very hard on your DD. :(

Child isn’t that bad (obviously I would say that since I use it!) it’s when adults still use mummy and daddy to refer to their parents that I shudder.

bringincrazyback I don’t understand why she’s being made to feel unwelcome, but I really just want it to stop. I’m trying not give too many details away, but maybe if I say that one food item she binned was my daughter’s birthday cake more people will agree that’s strange, because, for the life of me, I can not think of a rational reason to explain why she would do that except that she has a problem with my DD. That happened last year, so again, this has been going in for a good while.

I get that it's he new partner who is doing these things but it is up to your ex to stand up for your daughter while she is there. If your DP treated your DD that way would you allow it? Maybe DD is a reminder to the new partner that her DF had a life before but he needs to fight his DDs corner.

Calling to cancel because his new DP says he has to do things in the house? HE should be telling her no and he can do the jobs before/after meeting DD. HE should be asking where the bag went. HE should be the one asking why the food was binned/eaten.

The new DP might be a nasty but HE is the one allowing her to get away with it.

Is DD able to tell her DF how she feels?

I still think you have to be very impartial OP, and new GF is just way too easy a target to put all the hate into. Your post explicitly states ‘Exes new partner is stopping DD seeing her Dad’ and you’ve called her a bitch.

You are the Ex and DDs mother and you are too close emotionally to be making a judgement on the new GF.

It is your DDs Dad who has the behaviour that is making your DD upset, yet in no way have you criticised or called him names. He is the ‘bitch’ if you like. He is putting obstacles in the way of seeing his daughter. He is distancing himself. You only have his actions to go by and speculating on how controlling his new GF is will just do harm.

I speak as a SM who has been scapegoated by my DPs daughter and her mother. And also as a daughter, my step mother is obstructive tbh of my Dads time with me. However I know that speaking
badly of her to my Mum would be music to her ears. My mums great but she is invested in her own feelings.

What I’ve done is deal with my father directly and telling him how I felt. I told him what I’d like from him and kept it away from blaming others. It’s his choice after all so it’s only him that can change it.

I’d really encourage your DD to speak frankly and directly to her Dad. Compose a letter or email, help her gather her thoughts.

Or ask her what she wants? E.g, a meal out with her Dad every couple of weeks, help with careers, invited to every other holiday so she can get to know his new people etc? If you are impartial you’ll make a very good constructive sounding board for her. If she develops a stronger way of asserting herself with her Dad directly she could establish a life long positive relationship.

However if this becomes all about how awful new GF is (even if it’s true) she will not learn these skills.

Everything Bananasinpyjamas11 said ^^

one food item she binned was my daughter’s birthday cake

That's terrible. Extraordinarily hostile, and I don't understand why your ex is letting his new P get treat your daughter like this. It must be very hurtful for her.

How much of the cake was left and was it stale? I regularly through left over birthday cake away.

Why wasn’t this addressed when it happened ?

Yes, I understand the difference, thank you, I'm a professional editor. The point I was making was that OP's DD is an adult and this casts a somewhat different light on things than if she was still a child

Then you should have noticed that I used the accurate term his child, which she is even though she is an adult, and you countered with "she's not a child", which was entirely irrelevant in the context.

Since you ask, I do think it's a bit weird to use 'child' rather than 'son' or 'daughter' to denote adult offspring. I don't consider myself my parents' 'child' any more, I'm their daughter

Also irrelevant. You ARE their child, whether you like the term or not. It is the correct term, you can find it in the dictionary if you need to. You should know better if you are indeed an editor that your personal word preferences do not affect the accuracy of other peoples usage.

OP, no, you should not get involved. Your child is an adult and the problem is between them and their father. It's not about the GF, its not about you.

Why can't she go round while he's doing things round the house? If shes a young adult (I'm assuming early 20's) then surely she can go round to help if that's the actual reason.
If he says no then she needs to have a conversation with him about when he's available and being more honest.

If by young adult you mean 17/18 then I'd have a brief talk with him yourself and explain that shed like to see him more.

Also can she have a talk about making visits more 'casual' now shes an adult, so popping by in the evening or for a couple of hours at the weekend fitting around hers and her dads other plans?
I think being used to a 'contact schedule' with NRPs can lead to unusually formal arrangements carrying on past when it normally would, I see my dad roughly once a week for an hour or so when he finishes work, usually arranged last minute or for a day out every 3-4 months.
It doesn't need to be regular long days to maintain a relationship once they're grown up children.

slashlover I agree that my ex needs to stand up to his girlfriend, but problem is that he repeatedly hasn’t and that’s not working for my DD. I don’t think it’s working for him either, although it’s not my place to be concerned with that. I don’t think my daughter feels she can tell him, I think she would feel she was adding to his stresses.

Bananasinpyjamas11 If you think I’m too emotionally involved then I’m not sure how you reckon I can be more impartial. I didn’t say I hate the girlfriend, I did say I think she’s behaving poorly. I called her a bitch, because I think she is acting in a bitchy way to behave. I was basically saying that her behaviour seems spiteful to me. If it a step dad acted the same way I would think he was being a bit spiteful too. Yes, I did say in the title she was stopping my ex from seeing his child. Maybe saying she is putting hurdles in the way would be more accurate, but this is my first post and, without going into the click bait mode, I wanted to get people to read my post.

I don’t normally call people names, so it’s a bit annoying that the one of the rare times I do people are focusing on the word too intently. Lesson learned about word choice for the next time I smake a post. No I didn’t call my ex a name, but I did say he needs to ‘man up’, so it’s not like I’m not criticising him, I am.

I don’t think I am scapegoating the girlfriend, I have consistently said that I think my ex should be handling things better/differently. I don’t see the harm of ‘speculating on how controlling‘ she is here on Mumsnet. I see it as a way of explaining the situation as I understand it with the hope of getting some helpful advice. I’ve already indicated that I would not speak to my DD about her in this way. I’m trying to resolve matters, not bring fuel to the fire. I don’t think my daughter is able to speak to her dad about this at the moment, I think she could do with some help, hence my post, as she’s a bit vulnerable at the moment.

standbyyourmammaryglands the cake wasn’t stale. I’m not clear on how much went in the bin. At the time I couldn’t think of a good reason for her doing this, but I actually gave the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt at the time. I certainly didn’t immediately think she was being spiteful, but I just don’t think there’s any denying it now when I look at everything as a whole (as objectively as I can!) Recently I’m finding it’s quite clear she’s, at best, being intentionally difficult and a bit unpleasant. I also thought that, between my DD and her dad, they’d sort it, but hasn’t happened and things seem to getting worse. This is why I am thinking I need to do something, because problems have been brewing for a while and nobody is doing anything. It’s not a case of me jumping in feet first, I’ve given people the opportunity to sort things out, but it’s simply not happening. I want my DD and her dad to have a good relationship, I don’t want to continue to stand on the sidelines and watch their relationship deteriorate further.

bringincrazyback I don’t know if he knows about the cake. Contrary to what some people were suggesting, my daughter isn’t a stirrer, so may not have mentioned this to her dad.

ZigZagZebras I’m not sure why she can’t go round because he’s doing jobs in the house. Her dad lives some distance away, so she can’t pop round easily. He also works long shifts at work, so she can only really spend time with him on his days off.