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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s new partner stopping him seeing his child

115 replies

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 05:27

My DD is a young adult and for some time I’ve been hearing stories about her dad’s new partner that led me to believe that she didn’t like my daughter. A few days ago my daughter called and arranged to see her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house. My daughter is currently seeing her dad once a month if she is lucky, before he moved in with his new partner she saw him weekly. AIBU to be upset and annoyed by this and, as she is a young adult, is it right for me to get involved? My daughter is definitely upset and unhappy with the situation.

(I’ve name changed for this and this is the first time I’m started a thread.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:18

InfiniteVariety that’s a distinct possibility and my daughter certainly seems concerned about his housing situation.

OP posts:
MrsPworkingmummy · 29/08/2018 08:19

You seem to know far too much about your ex's relationship and there perhaps is an underlying tone of jealousy. You have said you haven't spoken to your ex in ages, don't have his phone number and your daughter hasn't seen him in months - how do you know he is depressed etc?

However, I do understand your frustrations and feel sorry that your daughter is missing her dad and feels unable to talk to him. That's really sad.

Are you looking into the holiday issue a little too much though? At age 20, isn't she too 'old' to go on family holidays? Isn't it usual for teenagers to stop going away with their parents at 17/18?

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:22

Rachie1973 I don’t want to give all the ages as that might be outing, but the youngest is 14, so it’s not like she’s a lot older than the others.

OP posts:
InfiniteVariety · 29/08/2018 08:25

OP my suggestion was not an expression of sympathy for him - I'm pointing out that he is being self-serving.

Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 08:27

Is your daughter an only child? And the age difference may be ‘small’ but changes dynamics massively

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:28

MrsPworkingmummy I’m not in the least bit jealous of his relationship, as it seems to be pretty dysfunctional in my opinion, and I got over my ex about 15 years ago! I don’t actually know when my daughter last saw him, but, yes, it can be months between visits. She does, however, still visit his family on an almost weekly basis and speak to him on the phone, so that’s why she knows what’s going on.

The holiday thing was the first time I was certain that she wasn’t making any effort with my daughter. My daughter would’ve appreciated an invite, but probably wouldn’t have gone, so the girlfriend caused an argument with my ex for no reason.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 08:31

You claim his relationship is ‘dysfunctional’ from what you’ve heard. But you haven’t seen him in years. It’s probably just normal.

PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 08:32

If he really wasnt happy and felt it was wrong he wouldnt go.
Its HIS behaviour effecting your daughter, tell your daughter to tell him that, he is more likely to take note of it from his daughter than from his ex.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:33

Rachie1973 the eldest is very close to my daughter’s age and the youngest two both seem to like my daughter, so there are no issues with her children as far as I am aware.

Yes, she’s an only child.

OP posts:
standbyyourmammaryglands · 29/08/2018 08:36

He is being manipulated and controlled, because he isn't allowed to see his DD and he's standing for it

Oh good grief!! No actually he is just prioritising his partner over his daughter. It really is that simple.

Depression doesn’t make you allow your kids to be treated like shit by the way. He does it because it makes his life easier.

And your daughter is an adult.

MrsPworkingmummy · 29/08/2018 08:36

"My daughter would’ve appreciated an invite, but probably wouldn’t have gone, so the girlfriend caused an argument with my ex for no reason."

... This was my point. How do you know they argued? How do you know he's depressed? How do you know she's going through the menopause? You seem to 'know' far too much, yet it's all thirdhand gossip. You're using this gossip to place all of the blame on your ex's new partner and are making excuses for him. I do really feel for your daughter, but your involvement is disconcerting. I don't think your daughter should have been invited on the holiday at all (not unless there were other 20 year old adult children invited too). She's an adult who should be going away with her own friends or partner!

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:36

Rachie1973 my daughter is telling me it’s dysfunctional, so that’s one of the many reasons why I am definitely not jealous of their relationship like you suggested. It really doesn’t sound normal to me, but I don’t want to out myself by giving other examples that aren’t pertinent to my DD’s issues with her father anyway.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 29/08/2018 08:38

Maybe he is scared of being alone & homeless if he stands up to her? I can’t imagine having such a weak man as a partner or Dad.

Your DD is 19, by any normal standards, that’s still a young adult.

If you really think she wouldn’t be happy with you talking to him about this, then you are best not to - but only you know your DD, maybe she really wants you to, but feels she should say she doesn’t.

I’m not entirely sure what you could say that would make him behave any differently though. Not many people respond positively to being told they’re letting their child down and are being spineless wankers. You wouldn’t want to want to offer him a roof over his head if he stands up to his gf AND she chucks him out.

If he’s relying on his GF for a roof over his head, he doesn’t sound terribly solvent. Perhaps she booked a holiday for her, her Mum and her kids and told him he could come if he wanted to, it she’s wasn’t paying for his daughter to come too.

Perhaphs she’s been waiting for him to do some things around the house and he agreed to do them this weekend and when he made other plans (irrespective of what they were) she told him if he didn’t want to move out he needed to get them done THIS weekend.

Quite feasibly she’s every bit as fed up with him as you & DD. On the other hand she could just be a complete bitch. Who knows really?!

I’m really sorry your DD has had other issues and is vulnerable. And when she needs him her Dad is letting her down. It’s hard to stand by and not do something I know.

I think all you can do is continue to be there for her, remind her that this isn’t reflective on her, just him. Try to focus on how shit his behaviour is, rather than what a shit he is. Then hope the monumental twat wakes up to himself, but don’t hold your breath.

PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 08:42

Have to agree with everything MrsPworkingmummy said ^^

Naveloranges · 29/08/2018 08:42

Clearly the father should be able to stand up to the partner and see his own daughter. Unfortunately some people are very controlling/abusive; it isn’t always easy. Alternatively he could just be weak.
The insistence that anyone over the age of 18 is an ‘ adult’ is also rather inappropriate for some. In my opinion, no one is really an ‘adult’ until they are financially and emotionally completely independent. For me, 20 is still very young and the daughter may well still be in education, unemployed, vulnerable and requiring support from her parents.

Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 08:43

With all due respect your daughter is almost 20. You refer to her as a ‘young adult’ and claim she’s vulnerable. She would have literally no real idea of what constitutes a ‘dysfunctional relationship’

I don’t mean to sound horrible but you trusted this man to co parent with you for years. It appears he’s done ok up until now. Suddenly he’s depressed and controlled? Simply because you and DD don’t really approve of his new choices.

I assume at 20 your daughter is either working or at Uni. He’s breaking childhood chains and building more adult ones. I would also assume if they’ve been very close as she’s growing up that he would expect her to contact him if she’s unhappy or worried about something.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:43

MrsPworkingmummy My daughter told me they argued and she saw him when he was sill angry about the holiday.My daughter’s family mentioned his depression, she sees them regularly, so she obviously knows things that are happening her own family. Plus he has depression when we split, so I know he has a history of depression. How is my involvement disconcerting? I’ve watched my daughter’s relationship with her dad deteriorate with her dad for two years and, now that my daughter has been telling me more about what has been happening, am asking for advice on how to help her and her father's relationship.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 08:45

And I wasn’t going to say it but think it’s worth considering. Whilst I don’t for one minute think you’re jealous of him I do wonder if your daughter, who has been his sole interest all her life is actually a bit upset at sharing her Dad.

noego · 29/08/2018 08:46

Oh good grief!! No actually he is just prioritising his partner over his daughter. It really is that simple.

If he see's his daughter once a week, he is still prioritising his partner. How difficult is it to spend an afternoon with his DD?

standbyyourmammaryglands · 29/08/2018 08:47

If he was that angry he wouldn’t have gone

standbyyourmammaryglands · 29/08/2018 08:50

noego clearly very difficult! If he wanted to he would!

This is an adult man making his own choices. Go off his actions and not lip service.

Every one needs to stop making excuses for him Brew

Op tell your daughter not to contact him and see how long it takes him to contact her. That will be very telling and show the real him

viques · 29/08/2018 08:52

I wonder if his partner has ever been tempted to put a thread up about how her long term partners 20 year old daughter makes demands on their family life , expecting to be taken on holiday, disrupting weekend arrangements............ Just saying, if your daughter was 15 then your post would have my full support, but she is nearly 20, well able to deal with not going on a family holiday or making alternative arrangements if her dad has got other things happening in his life.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:52

AnnieAnoniMoose no he doesn’t sound terribly solvent, apparently he’s paying all the bills himself.

Rachie1973 I believe 20 is still a young adult. I’m not claiming she is vulnerable, I’m stating it as a fact. I also think she is a good idea what a dysfunctional relationship is like.

He relied heavily on his family to help with his daughter and he has a history of depression, so he’s not suddenly depressed.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/08/2018 08:52

There may be a couple of issues here.

I would stop blaming the new partner. This is between DD and her Dad.

I would not get involved. You are the Ex and there is too much emotional territorial baggage that you will bring to your DD. That may be unconscious but you can’t be impartial and as seen have already labeled the Dad as weak and the gf as a bitch. This will turn into a witch hunt if the new GF and that will set up a very toxic dynamic for DD and her relationship with her father. Who has an important new person in his life, worth trying to give a chance and foster good feelings.

DD needs to resolve and learn skills to help, concentrate on those. Concentrate on what DD needs. Be impartial. You can vent elsewhere.

DD having weekly contact, is that a few hours or all weekend? For a 20 year old it does seem a lot, most are very busy with their social lives to want weekly contact. What was their relationship like?

I get that their relationship has changed, however if her father did not want it to be less, he would have done that. If DD got a great new relationship she would probably see less of you and her Dad too.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 29/08/2018 08:53

Not sure where the coffee come from Confused