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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s new partner stopping him seeing his child

115 replies

Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 05:27

My DD is a young adult and for some time I’ve been hearing stories about her dad’s new partner that led me to believe that she didn’t like my daughter. A few days ago my daughter called and arranged to see her dad and within minutes he called back to say he couldn’t see her after all as his partner wanted him to do things around the house. My daughter is currently seeing her dad once a month if she is lucky, before he moved in with his new partner she saw him weekly. AIBU to be upset and annoyed by this and, as she is a young adult, is it right for me to get involved? My daughter is definitely upset and unhappy with the situation.

(I’ve name changed for this and this is the first time I’m started a thread.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 07:09

PrettyLovely I’m not entirely blaming his partner, he should be doing more, but not inviting my daughter on holiday and not making her feel welcome in father’s home isn’t exactly helping to nurture their relationship. The partner was the one that booked the holiday without my daughter and she is the one that makes my daughter feel unwelcome when she visits. She is seeing him once a month at best, it has been two or three months on occasion. My understanding is that they would both like to see more of each other, though he obviously has to take a lot of responsibility for this not happening.

OP posts:
deepsea · 29/08/2018 07:09

Step away op. Your dd is twenty and can deal with this as an adult (she is no longer a 'young' adult) Your dd can meet him for a coffee and talk to him about the lack of time together. Ultimately though if it isn't something that interests him and his relationship with her is not terribly important you can't force it.

If you want to be a good mother, and your dd is not already very busy with her own life, book lots of lovely things together in the coming months to distract her from what clearly is a very difficult situation. Organise shopping trips and cinema visits every weekend. Let her confide in you and maybe she could consider counselling.

Now your dd is an adult he may feel once a month/every few months is perfectly adequate in terms of visiting relatives. I only saw my parents every few months at this age. All very normal in some families.

Beaverhausen · 29/08/2018 07:12

You need to talk to your daughter and explain to her that her father is a grown ass adult and no woman can stop him from seeing his own child. But to explain that he is being selfish and not being a real father to her and for her to confront him on the way he is treating her.

OutPinked · 29/08/2018 07:18

Unless he is being severely abused and controlled, this is down to him I’m afraid.

Would anyone prevent you seeing your child? Nope, so why is he ‘letting’ her? He is an adult and has a choice, at the minute he is making a very bad one.

Theresnodisneyending · 29/08/2018 07:23

It would only take a few words from him to shut his new girlfriend down and tell her that she can't make him leave his daughter out/make her feel bad in his home etc. You don't have a girlfriend problem - you have an ex/daughter's dad problem.

My dad used to do this when he met his new wife. She hated me, hated my sibling, hated my mum. Didn't even want him seeing his elderly mother. But I knew full well even as a teenager it was HIS fault for not standing up to her. HE picked a bitch to marry - it was HIS fault.

PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 07:25

Perhaps she wasn't invited on holiday because shes an adult? My parents didnt invite or pay for my older brother and sister who had left home when they took us younger children on holiday.
If he wanted to see her more he would.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 07:30

I thought almost 20 counted as a young adult?

He initially agreed to see her a few days ago, it was only when his partner intervened that this changed. I also recently heard him on the phone with her and he sounded annoyed that he had missed her when she had tried to see him when she passing near his home, so I think he does want to see more of her, it’s just that he’s putting up with his partners interference for some reason. Some families may see each other less frequently, but my daughter is missing her dad and, although he is the one that needs to make it happen, I get the impression he wants to see more of her too.

My daughter doesn’t need me to point out his faults. I don’t think pointing out that he could see her if he really wanted to helps the situation. I guess I’m looking to moan about him and his girlfriend, but more importantly I want advise on how to improve things for my daughter’s sake and to a lesser degree my ex’s.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 07:35

PrettyLovely her mother was invited, so I don’t see why my daughter couldn’t be invited too. Plus she has three children that he is now helping to support, whereas she only has to host his one child on an occasional basis and she seems grudge even that.

OutPinked I don’t know why he’s putting up with it. All I know is that it has been mentioned he is depressed, but I don’t know how severe his depression may be.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 29/08/2018 07:39

his partner is a red herring: he is her father and his choices and behaviour are the problem. He may or may not have a good or OK relationship with DD. She will need to navigate that.

I would just focus on supporting DD.

C0untDucku1a · 29/08/2018 07:40

I ageee with you op.

Althiugh if he has depression and is being controlled and separated from his family, isnt that abuse?

PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 07:43

"PrettyLovely her mother was invited, so I don’t see why my daughter couldn’t be invited too. Plus she has three children that he is now helping to support, whereas she only has to host his one child on an occasional basis and she seems grudge even that."

But your daughter isnt a child, shes an adult.
She also doesnt have to host your daughter, Its her Dads responsibility to see her and invite her round.
Its so easy to blame the new woman as the new person, butbutits ultimately its down to him.
Personally I wouldnt encourage a dislike for the new gf as it wont help anyone. I would tell my daughter the blame lies fully at her fathers door.

Cindersdonegood · 29/08/2018 07:43

Aw I really feel for your DD.

When Dsis and I were around 10 and 9 respectively, dad remarried. She seemed nice enough. We were very polite and well behaved kids (had a disciplinarian dad who wouldn't allow bad manners or behaviour) so never had any issues with her.
She had two kids (3 and 6) that lived with her ex. We would all get together at weekends and all was fine.

When DF and his DW moved house again when I was 11 and DSis, 12, DF's contact lessened and we never went to the new house. Eventually DF took us but only when our step mum was out at work and only for an hour or so. It turns out, SM had banned DF from seeing us and he was meeting us secretly. There was no reason other than she didn't want DSis and I in their lives. Her kids had a bedroom each at their house for their contact weekends and DSis and I weren't even allowed in.
I still can't to this day believe that DF went along with that for so long!

It all came to a head when I accidentally left my homework there. I needed it and would never have left it intentionally. He phoned up screaming at us, saying I'd done it on purpose trying to cause trouble between him and his wife. I was too upset to speak so DSis took the phone and for the first time in our lives, stood up to him and shouted at him to "FUCK OFF!" If he wouldn't own up to seeing his own daughters then he could fuck off and leave us alone.

I don't know what happened at his house after but we did eventually go back to visits out in the open. (Still didn't get a room of our own though)

Dad is with a nice lady now but as I'm an adult with my own family contact isn't really an issue. Whether any woman likes it or not I wouldn't let my dad stop speaking to me.

OP, if your DD is unable to speak to her dad, it wouldn't hurt for you to say something to him. It doesn't matter what age your children are, you are still parents together and your kids involve both of you. See if you can get his number from a relative, call him up and ask him what the hell is going on. Your DD has a Dad problem. The SM is the cause but only because DF is going along with it. Get him told.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 07:50

C0untDucku1a It’s certainly very controlling behaviour. I hadn’t even considered this could be emotional abuse. My initial thoughts are that I can’t say it is emotional abuse, but I also can’t categorically say it isn’t. It is a possibility. She’s making decisions, like the holiday, behind his back and I know she didn’t even tell him about it. Her daughter told him it had been booked. I thought not inviting my daughter was rather mean, but I thought not telling him she had done it was a bit strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 07:55

PrettyLovely Yes my daughter is an adult, but I’m pretty sure the girlfriend’s mum is an adult and she got an invite! Her father does invite her round, but then his girlfriend makes her feel unwelcome.

OP posts:
standbyyourmammaryglands · 29/08/2018 08:02

Notvery I can relate to this through two experiences. My own relationship with my father and dd1 with her father.

My father my father married twice after he split with my mother. He was totally dominated by his two wives. My step brothers were treated better than I was, expensive holidays, clothes ect.. I always felt sorry for him and totally blamed his wives. It was only in my 30s I seen the reality of it. HE was m parent. The other women didn’t have to do anything. He was quite happy to go along with the flow, quite happy to be told what to do, quite happy to treat his child poorly and more than happy for his wives to take the blame and for himself to be classed as the victim. He was a WEAK father.

Dd1 father new GF really didn’t like dd. She make every excuse not to meet her properly. Would leave the house if dd turned up uninvited. I can only put it down to jealousy. Dd1 father let that carry on till his GF left him then he reverted back to doting father again.

From an early age we are conditioned to make excuses for men. To blame the women around him. To feel for the bad actions they take - ‘they are stressed/depressed/ working too hard/hen pecked’ - it’s nothing new.

The only person at fault here is your dd FATHER. You both need to stop focusing on this women - yes she might be being spiteful - but he is more than willing to go along with it. He isn’t a prisoner, he shares her bed every night.

It’s not nice to think that your parent doesn’t give a shit but that’s the reality of it.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 29/08/2018 08:03

Her father does invite her round, but then his girlfriend makes her feel unwelcome

And shame on him for putting a stop to it.

PrettyLovely · 29/08/2018 08:04

I wasnt invited on any family holidays as a grown adult and I do think thats pretty normal, also my auntie went on holiday with my parents and youngest sister, I didn't batter an eyelid I wasnt living with my parents I was an adult.
I think you are over involved in your exs life if I am honest, knowing about her menopause begrudging the fact he is supporting her 3 children, its simply nothing to do with you, your child is an adult at her age I was living on my own bringing up a baby, shes big enough to sort this out herself. You getting involved will help no one except make you look like the nightmare ex wife.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:05

Cindersdonegood I agree, it doesn’t matter what age my DD is, her happiness is still my concern. My DD does have a dad problem and yes his girlfriend is the cause, hence why I blame them both. Do you know why your dad put up with his wife banning him for seeing you?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 08:10

How old are her children?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/08/2018 08:13

Would anyone prevent you seeing your child? Nope, so why is he ‘letting’ her? He is an adult and has a choice, at the minute he is making a very bad one

Whilst I agree, it’s up to him, I think it is easy to under estimate the power a partner can yield in decision-making. People invest in their relationships at many levels and sometimes struggle to see the wood for the trees. So if your partner is sulky if you see your child, or starts banging around the house, or ignores you, or is in some way unpleasant, it is perhaps normal to want that to stop and to therefore reduce the behaviour that causes the difficulties. It’s abuse, simply put, but many of us put up with and actively collude with terrible behaviour before breaking free.

Ultimately, there is nothing the OP can do about it but I think the suggestions that it’s up to him and him alone are ignoring a potentially bigger picture.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:14

PrettyLovely I cant remember the last time I saw or spoke to him, so I’m hardly over involved in his life. I only know she is going through the menopause because my daughter told me she had apparently used that as an excuse for her shitty behaviour. I didn’t say I grudge him supporting her three children, that is his business, but when she can’t reciprocate the same good will to his one child that is pretty telling in my opinion. I might add her eldest has left school and is working full time, so they aren’t exactly a dependent. I am only concerned because their behaviour is affecting my child and that is very much my business. In terms of the holiday, her father wasn’t happy that her mother and three of her children were invited when his daughter wasn’t, so if he doesn’t like it either then surely that’s not okay?

OP posts:
InfiniteVariety · 29/08/2018 08:17

he moved into his partner's house, so if they split up he'll need to find somewhere to live

Isn't this the reason why he allows her to control how often he sees his daughter? If the relationship fails he loses his home

Rachie1973 · 29/08/2018 08:17

i have to be honest. I don’t always invite my kids on holiday with me and I sure don’t pay for the adult ones. Yet I did take my late FIL quite often.

Original poster
Notveryhelpful · 29/08/2018 08:17

standbyyourmammaryglands I don’t think I am making excuses for him. I do blame him for the situation, and I blame her too. I did mention that he may have depression, not to excuse him, but because I believe this is likely an important factor in the situation.

OP posts:
noego · 29/08/2018 08:18

I agree your DD's welfare is top priority and is probably feeling rejected. She needs to know her dad loves her and thinks about her.

So look at the dynamic of that relationship your ex has got himself into......

He is being manipulated and controlled, because he isn't allowed to see his DD and he's standing for it.
So two thoughts spring to mind.
The new partner must be consumed with jealousy in regards to your DD and your ex must feel nothing but resentment towards the new partner for not letting him spend time with his DD. (karma)

Having said that he needs to grow a pair.

{flowers} for you both