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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to move my appointment

125 replies

ialwayshaveto · 28/08/2018 22:42

I might be highly stressed and emotional, so will accept I might be in the wrong. Starting our IVF journey and going through all the tests ... which I'm trying to juggle with work in a male dominated environment. So where I can, I'm getting tests done on weekends or out of hours. Managed to get a scan booked for Saturday, (needs to be done on specific days of the month) sent DH a calendar invite so he knew I was booked. This happens to fall on the weekend we have DSS. DH drops into convo that DSS has and end of season football catch up to give the coach a gift, not an end of season prize giving for an hour, at the same time as my scan and completely opposite sides of the city. We only have 1 car, no public transport to either location. AIBU to think DH should be taking me to my appointment for a bit of moral support or finding a solution to how to get DSS to footie not expecting me to move my appointment, which always seems to happen.

OP posts:

Iwannasnack · 28/08/2018 22:48

I’m presuming this is just a routine Ultrasound to check follicles, etc rather than there being a chance of seeing a baby?
I think you need to suck it up and go alone I’m afraid. Could he drop you off early and you can wait with a book? Taxi?

PurpleDaisies · 28/08/2018 22:49

Wouldn’t a taxi be an easy solution to getting to your appointment? It’s unfortunate that both things are on at the same time.

It’s a hard process to go through.

Catinthecorner · 28/08/2018 22:50

I’d expect to go alone but for you to have the car.

DH and DSS can get the bus/walk/cadge a lift.

Original poster

ialwayshaveto · 28/08/2018 22:54

Both locations would involve $100 round trip in a cab. I think it should be up to DH to find a solution, or pay for a cab not for me to have to sort it when he's known about this and the footie thing has only just cropped up.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 28/08/2018 22:55

Surely that’s a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of the IVF?

HuntIdeas · 28/08/2018 22:58

If it’s in a city, surely there’s public transport at least some of the way to one of the appointments? If not, can a friend or family member drive you? Or lend you a car?

SemperIdem · 28/08/2018 22:59

I think this is a difficult situation for your dh. He will be keen for his son not to feel displaced by a future sibling, as much as he wants a child with you.

Original poster

ialwayshaveto · 28/08/2018 22:59

Don't live near family, again why should I be the one doing this ? Not DH, why isn't he finding a solution....

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 28/08/2018 23:00

His son is his priority, that is why, if you need it put plainly.

PorkFlute · 28/08/2018 23:01

Well either you need to get a taxi or he needs to find someone who can take his ds to the footy thing.
I certainly wouldn’t criticise him for prioritising his child.
I’m sure if your IVF is successful you would appreciate him putting your child first in future ahead of any future partner or children he may be planning with them should he find himself in the same situation again.

Mama05070704 · 28/08/2018 23:02

What is the appointment actually for?

Once you get the stimulation phase, you’ll need to have scans every other day so it may be worth thinking about how you will get to those appointments in advance.

PurpleDaisies · 28/08/2018 23:03

Is there no possibility of moving the scan to a different time in the day?

I know you’re angry but I’m not sure directing it at your dh will necessarily help anything.

tillytop · 28/08/2018 23:04

What about dh has the car, you take taxi. After your scan, go for coffee (treating yourself to cake) and wait for dh to pick you up?

user1473878824 · 28/08/2018 23:05

I can totally understand why you’re upset, but DSS is a priority too. I’m not in your position but I also know that if we were hopefully having a baby I would make sure my DSS knew he wasn’t being pushed out. I know that’s a bit of a leap but he’s a child and he needs that stability. I think this is a case of picking your battles.

Fucksgiven · 28/08/2018 23:07

Your dh is appropriately prioritising his child. Good for him. You will have to sort it out.

Howhot · 28/08/2018 23:07

It's just a routine appointment. Can't he drop you off early and then go to football with his son?

tillytop · 28/08/2018 23:10

My idea is the best because it includes cake.

AutumnGrace · 28/08/2018 23:11

If it's a routine appointment it is precious to expect him there - DSS is rightly his priority and he should go to the footy thing with him.

Unless you have just moved to the city surely you know the public transport options across the city . . . Therefore no need for DH to sort something!

No doubt IVF is an emotionally draining process however you need to put this into perspective with DSS.

Gersemi · 28/08/2018 23:12

Don't live near family, again why should I be the one doing this ? Not DH, why isn't he finding a solution...

Because you're an independent grown-up whilst his son is not, and because there is a very obvious solution readily available.

BarbaraHepworth · 28/08/2018 23:14

Surely you want the father of your future child to be a caring a devoted dad who will go to boring football presentations with your child?
Have you got a friend who could take you?
The time of the football thing can't be changed, and it matters to your DSS that his dad is there. These things often come up at short notice. It may be annoying but your routine appointment can be changed.

Original poster

ialwayshaveto · 28/08/2018 23:15

@tillytop lol - however I don't eat cake !
Thanks everyone for jumping on the 'he should be prioritising his son bandwagon' appreciate that. I'm not saying he shouldn't be taking DSS to footie, yes it would be nice for him to be there (for once) but appreciate that isn't an option. My point was more why should it be up to me to sort, take 3 buses or spend $100 on a cab !

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2018 23:15

I had IVF. If it's just an internal scan to look at your ovaries then he doesn't have to be there. Trust me there will be future appointment you will want him at but this isn't one of them.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 28/08/2018 23:17

I think it should be up to DH to find a solution

I don't mean this to sound harsh but its not all about you. As parents it is your job to work together to come to solutuons for your family, not score points against each other. No, its not ideal but he is trying to make his son happy. His son needs reassurance that he will always have a place in your family whatever the outcome of your IVF and your DH is doing the right thing by making sure he is there for him.
I know you want the support but if its a regular scan then it might be time to put on your big girl pants and suck it up for this one, work out a solution that will work in everyones favour and then go for cake as per tilly's suggestion.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/08/2018 23:19

There will be many more clashes when (fingers crossed for you) you have the new baby.

Could he drop you off earlier and you take a book in the waiting room?

Or you get public transport one way and he picks you up the other?

BlueBug45 · 28/08/2018 23:19

OP it's because you are an adult and your DSS is a child.

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