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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to move my appointment

125 replies

ialwayshaveto · 28/08/2018 22:42

I might be highly stressed and emotional, so will accept I might be in the wrong. Starting our IVF journey and going through all the tests ... which I'm trying to juggle with work in a male dominated environment. So where I can, I'm getting tests done on weekends or out of hours. Managed to get a scan booked for Saturday, (needs to be done on specific days of the month) sent DH a calendar invite so he knew I was booked. This happens to fall on the weekend we have DSS. DH drops into convo that DSS has and end of season football catch up to give the coach a gift, not an end of season prize giving for an hour, at the same time as my scan and completely opposite sides of the city. We only have 1 car, no public transport to either location. AIBU to think DH should be taking me to my appointment for a bit of moral support or finding a solution to how to get DSS to footie not expecting me to move my appointment, which always seems to happen.

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 28/08/2018 23:20

But in your op you asked if you wbu to expect your dh to take you to your appointment???

HeddaGarbled · 28/08/2018 23:26

You need your own car.

TroubledLichen · 28/08/2018 23:27

Not jumping on the bandwagon (?!), but he is rightly prioritising his child. Of course he shouldn’t cancel his contact weekend and of course he should take his son to his football thing. He sounds like a great Dad! It’s also perfectly understandable that you’d want your DH at the appointment. So either move the appointment if that’s your priority or go alone if you don’t want to do that. Your choice. If you do go ahead with the current appointment time then one you takes the car, the other takes a taxi or public transport depending on what is the easiest/cheapest solution,

Good luck for the IVF.

ScattyCharly · 28/08/2018 23:27

You should jointly be thinking of a solution. Together. It’s not about the fact that you got in there first with the calendar invitation. Things crop up and you need to juggle. And you need to think together.

Does the coach or any other football people live nearby to give dss and dh a lift so you could have the car? Do you have a mother or sister who would give you a lift so your dh could have the car? Could dss mum take him? Explore all options together and figure out the best way forwards.

Charliecatpaws · 28/08/2018 23:28

Would he not be able to get another parent to take his son to the football?

Holidayshopping · 28/08/2018 23:28

If you are doing ivf, you will need many many more visits to the hospital-I would get your own car.

AutisticHedgehog · 28/08/2018 23:29

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

I’ve beem through IVF and it’s very, very, very hard

But I don’t think you can expect anyone who hasn’t been through it to understand.

I hope it goes well for you.

asprinklingofsugar · 28/08/2018 23:36

I think it depends how soon after you sent the invite, your DH mentioned this. If it was the first time the subject came up, then you are being a bit unreasonable. Although, presumably your DH was aware that you would be trying to book one of these appointments, and would know that you are trying to have tests done at the weekends/out of hours? If so, and he knew about your SS football thing, he should have warned you - at least then you could have decided whether or not to book it and go yourself. So in that sense he is being a bit unreasonable. He's also a bit unreasonable if you sent him the invite days ago and he's only just mentioned the football catch up despite also knowing about that for a while. If he's only just found out about the football, then he couldn't have mentioned it before of course, but he could have been a bit more diplomatic about the way in which he told you.

What was SS going to be doing while you were both at the appointment? And is there any possibility of a lift-share to the football catch-up if you absolutely cannot bear the thought of going without your DH? Also, is there a pattern/history of this type of thing? Your last sentence suggests to me, this is perhaps not a one-off. Sorry for all the questions!

Artichoke18 · 28/08/2018 23:38

If you only have one car there must be times when one of you has "booked" it first, and any other plans have to fit around this. OP has arranged to do her scan, I'm not sure why the dh does not think oh, I will need to find another way to the football, Dw has the car for her scan.

Her role in ivf will be much harder, wouldn't hurt to help out.
Do think might be time for car#2

ArcheryAnnie · 28/08/2018 23:41

I think one of you gets the car, the other a cab, and the cab fare comes out of the shared account (if you have one) or you each pitch £50 in, regardless of who gets in the cab in the end.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/08/2018 23:41

Do you live somewhere they have those street-car schemes, where you can temporarily borrow/hire a car? sometimes those are cheaper than taxis.

Uncreative · 28/08/2018 23:43

Why can’t you take the car and let them use a taxi or public transport?

I think you might want to take a deep breath and step back. It is always harder to judge a situation when you are in the middle of it. Of course you need support for IVF but so does your DH with parenting his existing child.

Families always come with scheduling clashes and it is the adults that need to try to make everything happen.

asprinklingofsugar · 28/08/2018 23:45

To everyone saying, just buy another car, that might not be an option. IVF is expensive, and perhaps in order to fund that op and her dh have decided to only run one car, in order to cut costs and save money. If the solution was as simple as buy another car, don't you think the op would have thought of and done that, instead of coming on here?

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 28/08/2018 23:51

You sound as if you are in competition with your DSS which is a recipe for disaster. You are the adult here.
Leave early & do what it takes to get there. As a PP said - take a book. I can assure you that there will be far trickier trips to plan once you have a baby to take with you.

Artichoke18 · 28/08/2018 23:52

If the dh is treating the car as if he is the sole owner then the one car scheme isn’t working out. Unless they can afford the taxi fare which sounds high, cheaper than upkeep on a car though. I think the broader issue is that the OP is jumping through hoops at work and now feels left to deal with the issues at home too. She can’t be the sole fixer without experiencing a lot of stress.

Ginkypig · 28/08/2018 23:53

Could one of you hire a car for the day?
If it is cheaper than a cab it might work out ok.

Could one of you sds team mates parents give your dh and sds a lift as a one off?

greenlanes · 29/08/2018 00:01

How committed is your DH to a new child? Because having done IVF - it is not a 1-person process - all the way through from tests to the other end.

I dont agree with other posters that DSS needs to come first here. I dont personally believe that in a family children should always take precedence. But I cant work out from your post the importance of this event.

Is DSS mum going? Could she pick up DSS, DH and take them on her way? Then you get the car.

crimsonlake · 29/08/2018 00:02

For goodness sake it is not all about you, it is not great, but life happens. Just sort it out quietly , carry on like this and you may end up on your own.

OctaviaOctober · 29/08/2018 00:05

If it's going to be an invasive camera up the frock kind of scan you should have the car in case you have any discomfort (you can never tell with these things). Also if it's a "drink all this liquid" kind of scan because you might get caught short on the way home, and it's easier to divert a car journey than get off a bus and find somewhere.

For goodness sake it is not all about you

Well no, it's all about them isn't it? Her potential child will also be his. Have I logged on during misogyny hour again?

Sunbeam18 · 29/08/2018 00:06

You say in your OP that both destinations are in a city. How can there be no public transport to either?

stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 00:07

Probably because your appointment presumably can be rearranged while dss thing can't.

SemperIdem · 29/08/2018 00:09

green

The irony of your “children shouldn’t come first” comment.

Anxious2niteaaah · 29/08/2018 00:15

Ok, I'm assuming dss has friends at his football thing?...can't you or dh call round his football friends , explain you have a medical appointment and need the car (you/he don't have to say what it's for) and ask if they can get a lift there and back with them

Also what about dss mum?..or dss mums side of the family , could any of them offer a ride there and back to get dss and dh to the football thing?

Do you have any neighbours with cars? Will they help ?

Do you have any friends in your town with cars?..will they give a lift?

Anxious2niteaaah · 29/08/2018 00:18

Op if it's literally for just a scan, then reschedule the appointment, see if you can get an appointment a few days later...

You are wanting a child (obviously, that's why you are going through ivf)...and this is a life lesson for you that once you have kids, they will have to come first regardless of what you and dh want, that's called being a good parent...and I know dss isn't biologically yours, but he is dh biological son, and going to be your baby's biological half sibling, so put him first, rearrange your scan so both you and dh can attend if it's possible to do that

Inertia · 29/08/2018 00:27

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here.

Yes, your husband absolutely has to make sure that his son is included in family life, but he also has to fulfil his other commitments, and organise his time to meet them. Medical appointments are not always easy to rearrange, and many IVF related appointments are time critical. As a couple, you need to be on the same page with this process.

Were you expecting this to be a contact weekend when the appointment was made and if so, where would DSS have gone?

Do you have any close friends who’d be willing to come with you for moral support if you drive, and DH can organise a lift with other football parents?

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