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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to move my appointment

125 replies

ialwayshaveto · 28/08/2018 22:42

I might be highly stressed and emotional, so will accept I might be in the wrong. Starting our IVF journey and going through all the tests ... which I'm trying to juggle with work in a male dominated environment. So where I can, I'm getting tests done on weekends or out of hours. Managed to get a scan booked for Saturday, (needs to be done on specific days of the month) sent DH a calendar invite so he knew I was booked. This happens to fall on the weekend we have DSS. DH drops into convo that DSS has and end of season football catch up to give the coach a gift, not an end of season prize giving for an hour, at the same time as my scan and completely opposite sides of the city. We only have 1 car, no public transport to either location. AIBU to think DH should be taking me to my appointment for a bit of moral support or finding a solution to how to get DSS to footie not expecting me to move my appointment, which always seems to happen.

OP posts:

tillytop · 29/08/2018 09:57

Could it be that dh doesn't want to have to explain to his ds what the appointment is about (at this stage)? Because ds will then innocently relay this information to the ex. Maybe OP and dh doesn't want her to know yet? I know I wouldn't.

TakeMeToKernow · 29/08/2018 10:00

YANBU!

If you remove what each “appointment” is for, you booked yours first = you get the car.

When you look at what it IS for... at some harsh words you’ve received. IVF is a pretty big thing vs giving a footie coach a gift. (My friends have done the former, i have done the later... I’d never cancel helping someone reach a scan to prioritise the DS’s footie)

Anyway, fingers crossed for you!

puzzledlady · 29/08/2018 10:01

Does he want another child?

Havaina · 29/08/2018 10:06

Race car driver - have you actually RTFT? OP is bearing ALL the responsibility for sorting the IVF stuff because the H hasn't attended any appointments!

Not only is he not attending appointments, he wants OP to spend $100 on a cab while he takes the car.

And now OP has to wait around the hospital for him for hours. Ridiculous.

tillytop · 29/08/2018 10:06

OP, when you do have your baby it will be fine with DSS. My DS was 14 when I remarried and had another baby. DS used to love helping out with babycare, in a teenager-ish kind of way Good Luck

Canshopwillshop · 29/08/2018 10:07

@ialwayshaveto - some horrible comments you’ve received 🙁 The MN bullies are out in force on this thread always ready to kick you when you are down! Good luck with your IVF journey.

StepBackNow · 29/08/2018 10:07

Honestly, OP, it seems to me his heart isn't in the IVF. I'd think hard about whether I want a child with this selfish prick.

tillytop · 29/08/2018 10:10

Havaina please read my last but one post. It may help you to calm down a bit!

magoria · 29/08/2018 10:15

I would think long and hard about if you want a child with this man.

You have pointed out it is always down to you to move things. You are the one expected to work it all out. You are the one who has to hang around or pay out until it is more convenient for him.

This is only going to get worse once you have a baby, there are 2 DC to accommodate and he won't sort/put himself out for anything.
Resentment is already setting in.

Please do rethink having a child or making sure you know you can do it alone along with your working in a male dominated area where you will be the one juggling child sickness, school pick ups etc. He is showing you now that he expects you to make it all work.

Havaina · 29/08/2018 10:47

@tillytop you are coming across a bit patronising even though I appreciate that might not be your intention.

You're telling OP to go and treat herself to cake and wait for her DH to pick her up.

You then give her advice about her DSS and his relationship with a future baby when she hasn't expressed any concerns about it.

And now you're telling me to calm down.

Maybe try telling some of the people on this thread being nasty to the OP to calm down?

Fireworks91 · 29/08/2018 10:50

You booked it first , you get the car. So yes, he gets to do his own thing but he sorts it out himself....he's a big boy.

tillytop · 29/08/2018 10:55

Havaina Didn't need to, OP was quite capable of listing the ridiculous, nasty comments herself. I'm looking at the more practical path and also wondering why DH doesn't want his son there. Possibly they don't want ex to know yet? Also, I was trying to make more positive comments than the doom and gloom nasties.

Lifeisabeach09 · 29/08/2018 11:00

Drop them to footie, go to your appointment and pick them up afterwards.

ShartGoblin · 29/08/2018 11:22

Is this even about DH really? It reads to me like you're having to constantly arrange appointments to suit everyone but yourself and this just pushed you over the edge. Would this single appointment change have mattered if you didn't struggle so much fitting them in around work?

I think you've reached the end of your tether and he's meant to be your support rather than another roadblock so you've placed all your frustrations on him.

I would be seriously looking at other employment options, I realise it isn't easy with maternity leave and upfront costs at the back of your mind but if it's this hard to get time off for appointments this early, it's an option worth looking into.

Santaclarita · 29/08/2018 11:41

So all the kid is gonna do is help give the coach a present? There's no game or anything?

I'd not be bothering with the drive for that to be honest, seems pointless. The whole team doesn't need to be there and no doubt there will be at least another kid not there due to sickness or whatever.

Yeah he has to think of his child he currently has, but his current partner is also pregnant with his child.

Allthewaves · 29/08/2018 11:45

So get dh to drop u off early then go to football then pick you up after.

AngelsSins · 29/08/2018 12:56

Wow, some crazy comments here. You made the appointment first, you shared it with him, you get the car. He’s a grown man and a parent and should be taking responsibility for his son and the plans he’s made with him, without expecting a woman to facilitate it. Why the fuck should you give up the car just because he’s not organised himself well? He’s not a baby for god sake.

I would seriously question if you really should have a baby with this man though, he sounds very selfish and with very little interest in you or the IVF.

AngelsSins · 29/08/2018 12:59

YABU. He is prioritising his existing child completely reasonably and it is just as much your responsibility to sort the ivf stuff as it is his

What the hell has that got to do with who gets the car? He made plans with his son, he doesn’t just get to overrule the ”little woman” of the house and take the car when she’s already made it clear she would need it that day.

INeedNewShoes · 29/08/2018 13:13

I understand your disappointment and I think that as your appointment was booked and checked with your DH first then you should get the car but I also can see why DH needs to go to the football thing with your DSS. It is so important that DSS feels that he is your DH's priority sometimes.

But I'd also also be a bit concerned that at this stage of the IVF process you and DH are on such different wavelengths about it. You want to go through it together, he doesn't. This would be ringing alarm bells for me.

I went through fertility treatment 100% alone, which involved logistics of getting myself to the airport 20 miles away, flying to a foreign city, getting the metro there to the clinic and getting myself home again... All on my own, but that is what I expected to do and had planned for. Your plan was different, for IVF to be something you do together, and I can see why it would throw you a bit that DH isn't making this a priority. I think there's a bigger conversation to be had. Will it be the same with pregnancy appointments?

LadysFingers · 29/08/2018 13:27

Imo, yabu - I went to all the blood tests and vaginal scans by myself, a drive across the city at 5.30 am, for the IVF treatment. Apart from the first scan at 6 weeks to confirm everything was as per the pregnancy test, I went to all the scans in pregnancy by myself (and I had to have lots with twins and a history of recurrent miscarriage). DH had taken so much time off for the miscarriages, he could not take more off except when necessary!

There are times when DP/DH is needed for moral support (like when threatening to miscarry the twins), but I don't see an ordinary scan as one of them!

flyingspaghettimonster · 29/08/2018 14:32

why not just drop him and his son off early and pick up late?

Am I missing something or is this not about a simple time table clash and more about you feeling he isn't as invested in the IVF?

Satsumaeater · 29/08/2018 14:42

Surely it's an option for you to drive to the hospital from the football presentation, drop DH and DSS at eg MacDonalds on the way, then you pick them up once you're done. Though TBH I can't see that it's unreasonable to ask your DSS to sit with an ipad or book in a waiting room with your DH for a few minutes while you have the appointment which you've already rescheduled

This. You don't need to tell DSS what the appt is about (unless he already knows).

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 14:55

Op can you drive?

LeighaJ · 29/08/2018 20:43

Agree with AngelsSins.

Also...

I can't help but think that if the son wasn't the OP's step-son, but rather hers and her husband's, the answers would be DRASTICALLY different. Or at the very least 80% less twatty. 😐

purplelila2 · 29/08/2018 21:22

Hi OP
no advice really I can only say what I would have done with my DH.

I would have taken the car on the day without mentioning before if he expected me to sort it on my own

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