To refuse to move my appointment

[ialwayshaveto]

I might be highly stressed and emotional, so will accept I might be in the wrong. Starting our IVF journey and going through all the tests ... which I'm trying to juggle with work in a male dominated environment. So where I can, I'm getting tests done on weekends or out of hours. Managed to get a scan booked for Saturday, (needs to be done on specific days of the month) sent DH a calendar invite so he knew I was booked. This happens to fall on the weekend we have DSS. DH drops into convo that DSS has and end of season football catch up to give the coach a gift, not an end of season prize giving for an hour, at the same time as my scan and completely opposite sides of the city. We only have 1 car, no public transport to either location. AIBU to think DH should be taking me to my appointment for a bit of moral support or finding a solution to how to get DSS to footie not expecting me to move my appointment, which always seems to happen.

It was clear you wanted an argument and would fail to take on opposing opinions from the way you "struggle in a male dominated environment".

What a nasty comment!

Thank you for all the kind words and those that wished me luck, I appreciate it. Also thanks for all the practical advice, I won’t be going down the cake route, but will take myself off to do something nice after.
However this has made really interesting reading. Apparently my comment regarding ‘prioritising his son bandwagon’ was harsh, however I am sure none of you think the following implied comments are indeed harsh….
You will end up alone, therefore you should treat his child the way you would want yours to be treated when he leaves you.
Buy a new car, you really need one if you are going to have IVF.
If you can’t afford a $100 cab, then why are you having IVF.
Why aren’t your finances shared.
You are needy and childish.
You won't survive IVF as a couple.
You surely can’t do your job properly if you can’t handle a simple appointment.
You are an adult so therefore should have to sort it and by expecting your DH to assist you are being high maintenance, clearly he is a manchild so he is excused from any sort of life admin.
Change your privately arranged IVF to a time when you don’t have your DSS, it is selfish to arrange such a thing on your contact weekend.

BTW I changed the appointment today so I could also attend my DSS’s footie thing and then go to the appointment after - thought that made the most practical sense, was annoyed yes that I had to arrange it. However was told that taking DSS wasn’t an option as might upset him for him to have to attend a hospital appointment (he is 11) So DH will drop me off an hour prior to my appointment and I will work out something to do after. FML, I can’t win. Lesson learned, step mum + IVF = a lot of really shitty responses, both from Mumsnet and my DH.

Wow! OP I understand your point! It is very unfortunate.
I understand your point that it's up to DH to sort , so I would say your taking he car and your DH can sort a way take his son to football.

OP this is about so much more than whether your DH or you have to organise transport isn’t it?

IVF is really really hard and you feel like you are shouldering this on your own and so this transport issue is just the straw?

The dynamics of it being about his child....a child you haven’t been able to have are an undercurrrent. It doesn’t make your reaction right but it makes it understandable and I’m sorry there isn’t more sympathy to help you work through the way you feel.

If you're a coup,e having IVF together, why are you arguing over who pays for a cab? Surely that would be a joint thing? If I needed to pay for a cab, I'd just pay. I wouldn't ask my DH to pay for it as it all comes out of the same account anyway.

I posted before reading your last post.

Bloody hell
Some nasty replies.
Yes OP would have known that was their weekend with dss but with ibf she wont have much of a choice of days. Its not like a regular 20 week scan that can be done Any time in a 4 week window.
She has also pointed out that she isn't saying that her dh needs to be with her, she is only saying she booked tje appointment, told him. THEN he says he needs the car for the dss. All she wanta is him to arrange hia own transport.

If you struggle this badly without 2 cars and you say there's no good public transport links, what happens normally? How do you both commute to your respective places of work?

Are you in Australia by any chance (talking in dollars and the "footie"?) surely you'd have 2 cars if so?!

OP, are you sure you want to have a baby with this prick?

He should have been saying to you that you have the car as you made the arrangments FIRST and he will get DSS to footie somehow.

Also, why isn't he attending any appointments with you? He sounds a selfish twat. Seriously rethink your relationship.

Don’t worry about the scan, I had one at a fertility clinic when we thought we were going to have to go down the IVF route and it was fine, results there and then so no nervous waiting etc. Could you take the car and ask your DH if any of his son’s football friends could take them?

I'm not surprised if he's Aussie, Aussie men tend to be sexist.

Your response is unreasonable. You’re being really unrealistic here about what your ivf is going to involve.

Trust me when I say you’ll be there every other day very soon. I did 80% of my appointments alone. Not because I wasn’t being supported. Because they last all of 10 minutes sometimes and why should both our lives and work be severely disrupted by three trains and hour long trips for a nurse to take some blood or count some eggs.

Please really prepare yourself for a positive experience by having the confidence to do these things alone. There are hand holding moments you’ll want him there, but they’re not yet. Egg retrieval of course. Implantation, absolutely. But routine scans, you can do this and you need to face the reality of how frequently this is going to come up.

Try and feel empowered by the ivf but a big step is taking control and managing these small steps yourself. IVF is a cumulation if easily 40 50 60 steps to your future and you need to take the helm to stay in control of your body, your time and your emotional wellbeing.

Sorry! I posted without reading this last post too.

If neither of you can get a lift from anyone else, and public transport is too difficult for both journeys, then one of you takes a cab and you both share the cost.

To add I could count on one hand the number of times I saw partners in the waiting rooms of the scan test clinic. You can do this OP. don’t let the little arguments add to your stress levels now.

Why should OP share the cost? She booked the appointment first and put it in DH's calendar.

Not only is she attending appointments alone for a baby for BOTH of them, she also has to re-arrange things to suit him. Fuck that.

I'm all for marital co-operation but why does it often seem to require the woman to bend over backwards for everyone else?

OP, this man can't even occupy his son for half an hour in the hospital while you have your appt because it might 'upset' him. Are you sure you even want a baby with him?

OP, this man can't even occupy his son for half an hour in the hospital while you have your appt because it might 'upset' him. Are you sure you even want a baby with him?

I think that’s pretty unfair. Some children are easily upset by medical environments. The dad is caring for his son, I think that’s a pretty reasonable tenet of fatherhood. Plus if he’s entertaining the child, how is he with the OP anyway?

Glad it’s been sorted OP, but I tend to agree that DSS’s needs shouldn’t have been pushed aside. The compromise seems sensible for all.

Maybe the bloke isn't as keen to have another child as the OP if it involves IVF? It reads that way to me. Tricky one, really. Perhaps he is going along with the IVF reluctantly, rather than enthusiastically? You can't force people to feel what you want them to feel.

IVF is a very long hardous journey, emotionally.
It’s often testing couples to the limits, some of them ending up divorcing under the stress of it all.
Imo, the best way to deal with it is for partners to support each other’s all the way. And if that means going to a scan to support their partner or to organise how to take his ds to the footie so it has as little impact as possible then so be it.
Also worth remembering hat during the IVF, it’s the woman who bears most of it. From all the (sometimes very invasive) tests to the drugs etc....

There is another issue here. I imagine that your DP knew about his son ‘party’. Why is it that he didn’t say anything about it to you before you booked the session? You will get many more appointments, some of them very close to each other. Good communication about everyone schedule is essential.

And also your comment ‘why is it always ME that has to fit around what he wants to do?’ Points out to me to a different issue. The fact you feel you are coming last. That he can do whatever he wants but you are the one who has to accommodate around his wishes.

Last about his ds. Yes he is important and it’s right he is prioritising him. Some of the time. Imo no reason to give him more priority than that child would Get if he was living at home with your DP.
Basically, you are BOTH engaging in a highly medicalised process. And that means that during that period, just like it would be if you or he were ill, his ds will have to come second. Some of the time.

Sorry OP I miss your last post.

I’m at your DP answers.
I’m even more shocked that not only he doesn’t want to come with you but is basically leaving it to you to sort everything out as if it was none of his issue.
There is a much bigger issue at play there.
Your reaction was OK. Nothing wrong with it in those circumstances.
His reaction is worrying. It would make me wonder if he does want a child, if he is happy to support you through it. I would even question if somehow, he doesn’t think the fertility issues are your fault and therefore your responsibility, not his (so no effort required from him).

he has been so crap...
(Amd Forget about a lot of the answers on here. I suspect these are people who have no idea what IVF is nor have they ever been ill/actually needing support)

OP, YABU, and you've been unreasonable to posters here. Though some of the comments you listed were harsh, others were factual. You sound as if you're feeling rather sorry for yourself, which I am sure has to do with the emotions and physical disruptiveness of the IVF, and I sympathise with you for that. But it's a dangerous road to start down to be feeling sorry for yourself as a stepmum. This really is an appointment you can do on your own, and I can't help feeling you're testing your dh as to his priorities (and setting him up to fail, as it's natural that he, as a parent, would prioritise his son's activities). I've had six miscarriages and been to scans and ERPCs alone several times because dh was looking after our other child/ren. I had ds2 alone (apart from MWs and doctor) because dh was looking after ds1. It's part of life with children to look after, and if your expectations are like this now there is the potential for some serious conflict and impact on both children involved when (fingers crossed) you get your baby and expect your dh to prioritise him/her over your dss.

OP, I am sorry that you feel so attacked. You did say you were open to being in the wrong, so I just want to offer this...

This could potentially have been avoided if you had been fully informed of DSS's activity before you made an appointment. While I appreciate you have to do specific days for scans, given the one car situation, I am sure you would have booked a later appointment right from the outset if you had known.

Therefore, it might be a catalyst to sit down with your DP and get a system where he can communicate in a timely manner what plans are already in place for DSS contact time. Life will potentially be getting more complicated, and you might all prefer to avoid such situations again.

I think your DH is being unreasonable now- why have you got to hang around for hours?

Surely it's an option for you to drive to the hospital from the football presentation, drop DH and DSS at eg MacDonalds on the way, then you pick them up once you're done. Though TBH I can't see that it's unreasonable to ask your DSS to sit with an ipad or book in a waiting room with your DH for a few minutes while you have the appointment which you've already rescheduled- the being part of a family works both ways, there were plenty of times when my older DD had to come in into hospital and wait with DH when I was having problems with subsequent pregnancies.

Wow! I am sorry you are not being more supported. Your DH is an ass.... the least he could do is take you to the appointment, take his son to a cafe for an hour and then pick you up. I hope he changes his mind..

YABU. He is prioritising his existing child completely reasonably and it is just as much your responsibility to sort the ivf stuff as it is his. Fundamentally if you can afford to drop 100 on a cab now that you don't have a child you probably aren't going to be able to afford a child at all.