To refuse to move my appointment

[ialwayshaveto]

I might be highly stressed and emotional, so will accept I might be in the wrong. Starting our IVF journey and going through all the tests ... which I'm trying to juggle with work in a male dominated environment. So where I can, I'm getting tests done on weekends or out of hours. Managed to get a scan booked for Saturday, (needs to be done on specific days of the month) sent DH a calendar invite so he knew I was booked. This happens to fall on the weekend we have DSS. DH drops into convo that DSS has and end of season football catch up to give the coach a gift, not an end of season prize giving for an hour, at the same time as my scan and completely opposite sides of the city. We only have 1 car, no public transport to either location. AIBU to think DH should be taking me to my appointment for a bit of moral support or finding a solution to how to get DSS to footie not expecting me to move my appointment, which always seems to happen.

I think OP lives in the USA - where public transport is apparently lacking, everyone is meant to drive everywhere and people seem to travel long distances for things that would be more local in the UK.

So firstly YABU to live in the USA...........

Is the problem more that you don't feel DH is committed to the IVF?

How do you normally travel if one of you has the car and the other needs to go somewhere? Surely as an adult you can organise transport. Can you drive? If you drove the car are there ways DH and his son could get to the football thing?

This only one appointment, no doubt he will be with you for others and with you all the way if you conceive. You have to remember he has other responsibilities.

You need to write your original post again, and remove the reference to 'step'. Now reread it and decide if you think you are being unreasonable.

This is not DH's problem to sort out, it's about you ALL as a family.

@anxious the scan needs to be on that day, so can't be done a few days later.

However OP can the scan be made earlier or later on the day? If so it may be possible for DH to attend both your scan and his son's event.

If he can't hopefully he'll be able to attend future appointments with you.
IVF can be stressful, scans can give disheartening news at times. Obviously hope that's not your case. Good luck!

i dont think posters are being unreasonable. its a routine appointment, most people wouldnt think twice about going alone. you’re an adult. there are far worse appointments you could be attending on your own.

you havent said neither of you can afford $100, just that your DP should pay and not you. if you’re having IVF - isnt your money shared anyway? shouldnt it be?

if DSS only gets to see his dad on weekends, then let him be with his dad. you sound childish tbh.

It's unfortunate, but a one-off. DH pays for your cab so he can have use of the car - simple.

Good psychology midnite

I think it's more a problem that OP had this scheduled and put on the calendar. DH has since then realized the clash, Instead of deciding he'll sort it out and get DSS to the football thing, he assumes that OP will change things and solve the problem.

His lack of planning caused the problem, he can solve it.

Nothing to do with what the scan's for or if DSS comes before the scan etc. Simply, which adult messed up and didn't put the right thing in the calendar.

Yes YABU. 🙄

Grow up. Shit happens. Talk to your DH,.. BOTH of you find a solution.

I think you should offer to drop them off if they can't get a lift with a friend. I think you need to let your partner go with his son, but you should take the car. There will be lots of people your partner knows going to the same place so they will probably be able to get a lift.
Good luck with the IVF

It was clear you wanted an argument and would fail to take on opposing opinions from the way you "struggle in a male dominated environment".

How much organising does a taxi take?

Can you really not manage this pretty simple task all by yourself?

I think you've mostly had a really hard time OP, and you might be better posting on the IF boards rather than here. The posts telling you you'll end up alone and that you can just reschedule your scan by a few days were particularly ignorant.

I've done quite a few rounds of IVF and I really wanted DH with me there at first, but gradually got more used to doing them on my own.

If this is your scan to check downregging, then bear in mind that it's probably not going to take a long time or be particularly gruelling, so you might want to let your DH off this this time on the proviso he knows he has to be there later on in the process.

On the other hand, if you're really worried, then it's not going to kill DSS' coach for there to be one fewer kid at the presentation; is there anything you could do with DSS at the part of the city with the clinic in?

I am guessing you are in Australia from some of your terminology. I have 2 older boys who are finishing up their season at the moment so have windups etc. It would be very easy for your DH to talk to anyone on the team and get a lift. Its not unusual for people to help each other out. Most families have kids playing multiple sports in multiple locations at the same time and you just juggle and get lifts.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here.
I agree.

I've been on the infertility rollercoaster, and there's no way I'd compromise my appointments in that regard. Most of the time, it wasn't possible to just 'rearrange' things as they had to be done on a certain day, or even a certain time on a certain day, or else you'd have to wait waste another month and start again.

I wouldn't be too bothered about DH being at the scan in this instance, but I would insist on having the car for the appointment. I'm sure there's at least one other person on the sports team who could offer DH and DSS a lift that day.

Why can't you take the car and he can take the taxi? Moral support is nice but not always feasible.

I think your DH was right to say that he has to be at DSSs presentation. If you can move your appointment to earlier or later great, but I wouldn't want DSS to feel like he was going to be pushed down the list of priorities due to his potential new sibling.

We have 3 DC and when I started bleeding during my 4th pregnancy we couldn't get anyone to mind them. I got the news I had lost the baby by myself. A week later when I had to go back to double check and see what was left I was alone again too. I would have loved for my DH to be there, he's my rock, but we couldn't bring the kids to appointment and family life gets messy like that sometimes.

I also don't think it should be your/his money or your/his problem to fix. Surely you should be a team?

This happens to fall on the weekend we have DSS. DH drops into convo that DSS has and end of season football catch up

So basically, you made the appt on a weekend you have dss, and dh told you it was inconvenient as they already had a plan for the Saturday. Sorry Op I agree YABU.

Many mumsnet posters can be bizarrely hostile to ivf. I think the OP is getting a hard time. Her appointment was in the diary first and she needs the car for it. Her husband should sort out a lift to football.

For the posters suggesting the scan be rearranged, most ivf scans need to be done on certain cycle days so moving it wouldn't work (unless it can be to a different time on the same day).

I had IVF and would book early morning appointments so I could get to work and my DH could be there for the biggies - collection and transfer etc. If its just a ordinary scan - you are in and out so quickly. Do you really need a hand hold? Can you ask a friend or relative to take you and you pay for petrol and buy lunch?

You are coming across a little prickly but doubtless you are on a cocktail of hormones and IVF is very stressful. Its easy for IVF to become the sole focus of everything, but it shouldn't. You need a life off the IVF carousel. Your comment about the 'prioritising his son bandwagon' was a little harsh. Your DH is a parent and he has responsibilities. You are able to do this scan lone this time. If you feel you must make a point - insist he pays for the cab.

Good luck OP.

Nutkins scan booked before football plan mentioned, but let’s never expect someone with a penis to consider altering their plans shall we? This is a massive case of wifework and I’d see it as a red flag to be honest. Not the coming to the scan, that’s part of family responsibilities, but the fact that fixing the problem is dropped solely onto the shoulders of the woman. Who’d have thought it?

Change the event that can be changed. In this scenario it’s your appointment.

Scan first you gave car. He figures it out with footie

Nutkins scan booked before football plan mentioned

Mentioned is the key word here. Since it was the weekend to have dss, it would have been reasonable for the op to check whether dh had plans made. I’d assume as it’s some sort of end of season thing it happens every year in the same weekend. So it boils down to the fact that op has booked an appt without checking that dh can make it and is expecting him to change plans when he’s said he can’t. I’m also wondering what dss was going to do whilst they were at the appt? I agree he should let you have the car and find another way for them to get to football though.

Do you have a hire car company near by? That would be my solution.

To me giving a gift to the football coach sounds like something that could very easily be done on a different day, sorry if I've missed where you why it can't be changed.

If you can't talk about this and sort it out with your dp now...without the resentment and blaming...then how the heck do you expect to survive IVF as a couple?