Just had to collect distraught DD from sleepover

[DiDonk]

DD (who is 7) was due to be spending two nights having a sleepover with her best friend, but when I spoke to her this evening she sounded unhappy and said that she wanted to come home. So I went and got her. Best friend's mum was being a bit odd when I got there, listing all the fun things they had done and saying that dd was very tired.

When I got dd back into the car she told me that the mum had made them do spelling tests and maths questions and told her that she was stupid when she made mistakes. So as not to drip feed, although I don't think it is relevant, the spelling tests were in dd's second language - the language they use half the time at school.

But whatever the language, AIBU to think that this is an appalling way to treat a visiting child? I've had to fob the mum off before when she has asked about dd's school reports, but this is much, much worse. D is really upset and thinks she is stupid and I'm not sure whether to say something?

I've been slightly wary of this mum for a while as she seems to enter into the kids' friendships in a rather overbearing way, and I could imagine her deliberately trying to make things difficult for dd if she took against her. But ffs.

'Make your point without making an enemy'. Don't go psycho yourself or you'll look as crazy as her. In a bonkers way she might have been trying to help your daughter with her language skills, she sounds like a Tiger Mom. I doubt your daughter will want to go back so you should be in the clear. I would counsel you to get the outcome you want but without anybody getting hurt as your children want to play together.

As everyone has said try and make sure you get the parent’s side of the story first before going in with all guns blazing. On the other hand I would definitely say something to the mum so she understands the boundaries and that you will not have your child treated that way. This can be done clearly and firmly.

I am a very laid back mum of 3 but I actually really put my foot down with another mother who was calling me “reporting” on my 14 year olds activities. Initially I was very apologetic and understanding etc. but over time as it continued I recognized that this mum was over stressing about social media etc. and trying to blame my kid for her own dds behaviour (which was all very mild anyway). In the end I firmly told her not to contact me anymore as I found her behavior intrusive and inappropriate. I told her if she had any problems with my kid to tell the school and they were happy to contact me. Needless to say I never heard from her again and I have since discovered she had form for crossing parenting boundaries.

Don’t be too apologetic or British to stand up for your child and protect them from an over involved adult.

My experience was also in another country.

I’m not surprised DD was upset & wanted to come home, poor little mite.

If you were in the UK I’d say ‘Let DH at her’, but you’re not. The culture in France is very different and I think you need to bear that in mind. Especially if you’re new there/to the area, you don’t want to be alienating people.

I would be very careful what you say to DD because you don’t want to say anything to her that you don’t want repeated.

I would just reassure her that she’s doing well in both languages and say that doing tests at friends houses isn’t much fun, so you won’t be doing that when X comes to your house!

Tell her you are very proud of her for asking to come home when she wasn’t happy.

Then move on. Kids are resilient if you don’t make too much fuss.

Have her friend over Thursday, be polite but not friendly with the mother. Doorstep handover, don’t invite her in.

I agree that two nights is one too many for the first time they stay at a new friends house. It’s ok if they’ve stayed before and enjoyed it and want to try two nights, but not the first time time...but I think you’ve probably got that message by now 🤣

I also wouldn’t stop her going to sleepovers at OTHER friends if she wants to, in fact I’d try to arrange something quite soon so that sleepovers don’t become a scary thing in her mind. Do you have anyone you’d could confide in and ask them to invite DD for a sleep over and invite theirs back soon?

Wondering what the mother said. Something like "T'es null" which is something that is traditionally said in French classrooms. I'm NOT excusing the mother, more an explanation that it would definitely be something she'd heard at school in her time but hopefully is used less not at all but I know it is now. So perhaps your daughter isn't used to hearing it, so it stood out to her more than it would of to the mother.

Obviously it's a mean thing to say, but I find people often don't think that things from their own childhood were mean. Especially if it's "the way it is done"..in France.

And a maths and spelling playdate suggests a) the mother is batshit and b) the mother hasn't figured out that having your child's friend over means you have less work to do, because they entertain each other!

I agree with Coy. Let your DH handle it because of the language difficulty but ask him to go in slowly - eg - my DD's upset after her stay with you. I understand you did spelling and maths tests with her? y/n. Did at any point you call her stupid or imply she was? y/n. He can then decide what to do with a pre-agreed response from you.

I'd still have the child round ?tomorrow?

What a nasty cow

I’m not sure I’d be letting your dd spend any more time at her friend’s house

NotNachoing
‘T’es null’ is used in the classroom. Really? Wow!
Dh isn’t here I’m going to ask him his experiences - he’s French.

You did the right thing bringing your dd home op. I agree 2 nights at this age is far too much. You could perhaps for example justify them being together for 2 nights if they were playing part of the time at your house, part of the time at hers, maybe sleeping then at yours or theirs. But not the whole day and another night away. This all sounds way too intense for 7.

Did your dh speak to her?

Two crazy mums here imo
The one doing the spelling test and the one sending a 7yr old on a 2 night sleepover with a family she hardly knows / is weary of.
Good grief woman!
Before getting flouncy with the other mum, have a little word with yourself.

i imagine the other country is somewhere like hong kong singapore etc
they are fiercely competitive and would totally ask a question about the school report

Awful behaviour in any language.

Given how upset you're feeling, perhaps cancel Thursday plans, not to punish anyone but to give yourself space.

Perhaps in time you'll feel like having the child to play though NOT the mother.

She sounds like a dreadful bully. We have a similar one in our community (grilled children about results etc) and she was trespassed from the school and now her daughter is in foster care. Not just bc of the achievement obsession obvs but deeply troubled personality.

So yes I'd be v kind to the child but not at the expense of the comfort of my own family.

Except the OP already mentioned she’s in France @nannykatherine

Absolutely hate to say this but you did fuck up with sending her to a two night sleepover however lesson learned and just basically don’t let her cross the threshold of that house ever again, whether your DD’s account is 100% or not.

Always listen to your gut and notice your red flags about anyone when it comes to your child.

Always.

i wouldn't even bother talking to her, run away and stay away.

All the posters here automatically assume DD is telling the truth. Sorry but all children sometimes lie or embroider the truth. I wouldn‘t ring and berate the patent as do many people have suggested but i would try, tactfully, to get to the botzom of it, without assuming thst everything your daughter has said us 100% true.

Read page 1, thought "bet this is in France" (lived there for 9 years and husband is French so know the culture well), skip to page 5 (last page of the thread at the time of writing) and...lo and behold.
What can I say? Definitely no more sleepovers at this kid's place. Mum sounds nuts even by French standards TBF.

@Mummyoflittledragon well my point is I'm not sure if it is now, things are improving, but in that aspect France is a little slower to change than les anglo-saxons ;)

It most definitely was though! (Francophone family too).

It's part of the traditional "anything less than perfect doesn't count" attitude, which is also slowly changing.

Yes I agree. Let your daughter know that you are standing up for her. This woman used to make me feel so silly when I used to do this class with her. She picked on me and bullied me. I wish I’d said something to my mum and I wish I’d confronted that woman. It still affects me years later.

When I was a kid there were lots of children in the street. When we used to play at the house of one particular child the father got us to do test papers in English and Maths just so that he could gauge how his child did in comparison!!!!!

Next door neighbour did this to my younger sister when we were growing up.

Also, when DS was in junior school his best friend's parents were super-competitive high achievers (friend was nice 'average' kid). Friend's father used regularly arrive at school early, go into classroom and do maths problems on board and get random kids to work out problems (obviously to see how his kid compared to others).

Another set of pushy parents at DS's school invited DS and two others around and gave them maths tests to 'prepare for school exams' . Didn't find out this was happening until pushy parent started boasting to me about how her DS was doing better on the maths tests than the other (unknowing guinea-pigs) in the 'friendship' group. Same parent's got their kid privately diagnosed (nothing wrong with him) and got a psychiatrist to prescribe a stimulant/enhancer type drug to take for exams.

It's unbelievable how competitive some parents are!

Angelil

My first thought was that this was in France too.

I also assumed France. I lived there from age 11 to mid 20s (in the monolingual French system). It is a high-pressure system, and holiday work is the norm, but I still don't think testing other people's children is appropriate. I did have one teacher who repeatedly called me "nulle" but she was a particularly awful teacher, and I don't think most French teachers are verbally abusive.

Also, the French can be very chauvinistic about their language. When I lived there I remember the (British) father of a child in the French school system being called into school and quizzed as to whether he spoke to his child in French. Father very proudly admitted he did, at which point he was told by the school in no uncertain terms that he was to desist from this in future as his 'bad' French was 'corrupting' his daughter's French. It's a strange mind-set!

Thats a disgusting way to treat a visiting child. Wtf is she playing at making them do spelling tests et al?! A sleepover is meant to be fun things like watching films with sweets and popcorn and such like

Just to add both my children have French teachers who are really lovely. It's not all French teachers! More that it's part of a dying breed of teacher!

I expect she is a very insecure mum & thought it was ok to compare her daughter work to yours by doing tests. At a school I know, parents often compare other children’s school reports etc. She was, of course, out of order doing that to your daughter.