Just had to collect distraught DD from sleepover

[DiDonk]

DD (who is 7) was due to be spending two nights having a sleepover with her best friend, but when I spoke to her this evening she sounded unhappy and said that she wanted to come home. So I went and got her. Best friend's mum was being a bit odd when I got there, listing all the fun things they had done and saying that dd was very tired.

When I got dd back into the car she told me that the mum had made them do spelling tests and maths questions and told her that she was stupid when she made mistakes. So as not to drip feed, although I don't think it is relevant, the spelling tests were in dd's second language - the language they use half the time at school.

But whatever the language, AIBU to think that this is an appalling way to treat a visiting child? I've had to fob the mum off before when she has asked about dd's school reports, but this is much, much worse. D is really upset and thinks she is stupid and I'm not sure whether to say something?

I've been slightly wary of this mum for a while as she seems to enter into the kids' friendships in a rather overbearing way, and I could imagine her deliberately trying to make things difficult for dd if she took against her. But ffs.

[DorothyGarrod]

OP, completely different circumstances but DD once had a lovely friend whose dad I did not trust at all (don’t want to reveal details here) so I only let DD socialise with the girl at our house not at their house. You could do something similar.

[InionEile]

Yes, I would text her and ask her what happened, saying that your DD had told you that she had to do spelling tests and maths and it upset her. There could be an innocent explanation e.g. she makes her kids do regular maths and spelling for x time every evening and didn't want to disrupt the learning routine for one evening. Either way, she sounds like she is competitive and insecure so I would avoid her from now on.

[Whatsthisbear]

Omg how horrible of the woman. Your child was given a test in her second language at a sleepover and told she was stupid!! That is unforgivable. By all means entertain her friend but in your shoes I would find it hard to be less than cool with her horrible mum and I certainly wouldn’t ever let her be any where near her mum unsupervised on any occasion. The fact that her mum doesn’t speak English yet your daughter speaks two languages makes her stupid by her own judging surely. Maybe you should greet her and rattle a load of English off at her and say in her language “did you not understand that? Then you are stupid” - see how she likes it
I hope your daughter doesn’t dwell on the horrible sleep over, I’m sure she will have a much better experience with her friend when you host their play date

[WarmingUpWithHotCoffee]

This mum sounds batty, and I feel for you and your DD

But ....

Why did you send your 7 year old for a 2 night sleepover with the woman, when you either hardly know her(?), or do know her and know she's a bit of a nightmare???

[deepsea]

I would cancel Thursday for a start.
If you don’t feel you can confront her then I would distance and start encouraging dd to explore new friendships.
There is no way I would let my dd ever go there again. Competitive mother syndrome knows no bounds.

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

A two night sleepover with a mother you’re wary of...
Was it for babysitting purposes?

[DiDonk]

DD now happily asleep in her own bed. We have had a bit of a chat about her friends mum and a few more things did come out - mostly about the mum being awful and strict to the friend and making her do an awful lot of schoolwork every day even though it's still the summer holidays here.

I was hesitant about openly criticising the mum to dd, but have changed my mind as a result of this thread. Even if it is only to say that I think it is unkind for a grown up to say things like that to a child. And that she certainly isn't stupid!

I feel really bad about being a poor advocate for dd in this situation. Speaking in a second language is somehow infantilising, even though I am pretty competent.

I have spoken to dh now, and he is furious and wants to ring her himself. He speaks the other language rather better than me, and is less like to pussy-foot around the issue, so maybe that is the best way forward. Although he isn't the most subtle, so I'm cringing slightly at what he might say...

[Spanglylycra]

Your poor daughter. That mum has serious issues - who does spelling tests for fun when you've got friends around?! Surely the point is they play together so you get some peace! Let your DH at her, I would.

[Passmethecrisps]

Let him get on with it. I cannot see that there is anything to lose

[NipInTheAir]

Well if this awaere a teacher and not a mother everyone would be piling in to say the child's version was wrong.

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

Cancel Thursday immediately. The woman is barking mad and has abused your trust. This has upset your daughter. I wouldn't have a thing to do with her.

Seriously, show your daughter what you are made of and stand up for her!

[BackInTime]

Lesson learned...no more sleepovers at this house and if your DD wants to see her friend you can host her at yours. Personally I would not be happy about a 7 year old on a two night sleepover unless it was with family or friends that I knew really well. Also the fact that they do not usually sleep very much and little things turn into bigger things when they are overtired.

[NoLeslie]

Well I don't know what country you are in and what the culture is like there. So i wouldn't go in all guns blazing with the other parent. Just in case it's normal for wherever you are!!

I would possibly pretend to call her when your DD can 'overhear' and tell her politely what a bad idea it was and how clever your DD is and that you are very proud of her.

I suggest this because it doesn't really matter about the parent it matters about your DDs self esteem.

[TheHeartOfTafiti]

I wouldn’t cancel Thursday - I mean, the woman is strange and I can only imagine her children don’t have the best childhood, so I think I’d feel content to have her kid round and let her play, you’re probably doing the poor kid a favour. But I would never let my child go to their home again unless accompanied by me again because who knows what shit the mother will pull next time. I don’t know if I’d bother contacting the mum, she obviously thinks this is acceptable behaviour, you can’t reason with some people and I wouldn’t trust her judgement even if she said she wouldn’t do it again.

[Passmethecrisps]

Teachers are usually trained nip and tend not to engage in random tests which shame the children participating when they should really be watching movies and eating crap.

[DolorestheNewt]

Most mothers would send their DDs to a sleepover if the child begged to go, even if they did think the mum was perhaps a bit of a competitive tiger mum. No-one would normally anticipate the batshit behaviour that ensued. Not sending kids (when they want to go) is what you do when you think the mother maybe takes drugs, drinks, locks them in the basement. Don't feel bad, OP.

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

Where are you (if you don't mind saying)?
What odd behaviour!
Presumably your dc go to a bilingual (English/local language) school (as you said they use the local language half the time at school)? How very odd for a parent at a place like that to behave like this. It sounds as if she was trying to make some kind of point to her daughter or yours or even to you (assuming your dd would tell you).

I'd be careful about sounding off in overly strong terms. Your dd presumably wants to keep the friendship with this girl (who sounds as if she could use some sanity in her life). I think I'd be approaching it from the angle of first getting facts straight, then the calm and slightly puzzled 'why did you do that with them?'

[JustlikeDevon]

2 nights for a 7 year old with a woman you consider a bit odd. THAT is U. The rest of it merely supports why you felt she was odd.

[QueenDoris]

Think I might introduce this in my house. A short examination for each friend that my DD brings round. Then produce a league table and send round the parents. It will drive up standard across the board. Can't see any downside

[WarmingUpWithHotCoffee]

For 2 nights doloresthenewt?

I don't want OP to feel bad, just maybe to think about how wise the decision was and what is wise and unwise to do in the future. It could have been worse than a spelling test

(but I am a bit over anxious maybe)

[Sparklingbrook]

This reminds me of when DC1 was invited to a new friend's house in the first week of YR. I was thrilled that he had made friends so soon.

Long story short the Mum was giving the visiting DC (not just mine) spelling tests and maths tests describing it as 'playing schools'. She wanted to see how the other DC compared. She was in fact a teacher on Mat Leave.

It's not on and you should distance yourself.

[Makemineboozefree]

Definitely let your DH call her. What she did was horribly cruel to your DD.

[Cagliostro]

That is horrible your poor DD

[JumblieGirl]

Nip trust me. All the teacher mums I’ve known have done amazing, fun-filled sleepovers. People that test and check reading levels and criticise tend to be anxious tiger mother types.

[NoLeslie]

@sparklingbrook I have a teacher mum friend who does that too, luckily we are close enough for me to tell her to cop onto herself and stop testing our kids!