Just had to collect distraught DD from sleepover

[DiDonk]

DD (who is 7) was due to be spending two nights having a sleepover with her best friend, but when I spoke to her this evening she sounded unhappy and said that she wanted to come home. So I went and got her. Best friend's mum was being a bit odd when I got there, listing all the fun things they had done and saying that dd was very tired.

When I got dd back into the car she told me that the mum had made them do spelling tests and maths questions and told her that she was stupid when she made mistakes. So as not to drip feed, although I don't think it is relevant, the spelling tests were in dd's second language - the language they use half the time at school.

But whatever the language, AIBU to think that this is an appalling way to treat a visiting child? I've had to fob the mum off before when she has asked about dd's school reports, but this is much, much worse. D is really upset and thinks she is stupid and I'm not sure whether to say something?

I've been slightly wary of this mum for a while as she seems to enter into the kids' friendships in a rather overbearing way, and I could imagine her deliberately trying to make things difficult for dd if she took against her. But ffs.

[Sparklingbrook]

NoLeslie. I assume there was leafing through the home school diary too as DC1 would have taken their book bag with them.

[DiDonk]

It certainly wasn't for babysitting! We still had our two other children here, and they missed their sister rather than our revelling in being a family of four!

I think that it's right that 2 nights is too long to go somewhere other than close family though. Lesson learned on that one not to give in to a seven year old who doesn't really understand what they are asking for.

And I'm not going to cancel Thursday. The little girl seems nice and has always been a pleasure to have round (the girls just disappear upstairs and play with toys when they are here!)

And agreed that the issue here is dd's feelings, not this daft woman. It's just hard to be grown up and rational when your child has been upset by an adult!

I'm just trying to talk dh down a bit and make him realise that it is too late to call now (nearly 10 pm here) and better to sleep on things before going in with both feet.

[Havabiscuit]

Women like this just love “ proving” how superior their child is. There was one in my youngest DD class. She used to do all the projects for her. Daughter would turn up with fabulous space rockets including moving parts. Very obviously not made by her!
Anyway, unfortunately, her daughter had huge Mh problems at secondary school when she came up against the hard reality of actual exams and assessments her Mum couldnt do for her. Don’t encourage this friendship. This child might be lovely now but she will grow up very needy of others help and praise as she gets older. It will be a huge drain on your dd. I speak from experience.

[Passmethecrisps]

Cripes!! I am a teacher who has just finished mat leave and I can assure you 100% that I give no shits above how able or otherwise other children are. This behaviour is appalling and not ok for anyone to do

[Cheby]

Let DH call!

[MissMarplesKnitting]

God yes, I'm a teacher and I wouldn't dream of that kind of crap. In fact I'm a bit lapse with my own kids when it comes to homework etc.

Friends mum sounds batshit & I bet her poor daughter is very glad of her time at your house!!

[JumblieGirl]

Wow! Proved wrong. There are obviously some seriously disturbed teacher mums out there. Poor little girl, growing up with all that pressure.

[ViserionTheDragon]

OP, do you mind me asking whereabouts you are? I used to teach abroad and I remember that parents would constantly give tests to their own children at home on top of their own school work, a bit like what you've described.

Glad your DD is back home, and I'm glad you aren't cancelling Thursday - that poor girl shouldn't suffer because her mum is an arsehole!

[AngkorWaat]

Let DH call! That is unbelievable behaviour. She very much deserves to be disturbed and told how out of order it is!

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

That’s extreme. I bet the reason she was so cross with your dd was she did well at the crazy tests. Crazy lady.

[Flaskfan]

I'm a teacher mum. When kids come here, I want them all to fuck off and leave me alone ( tiny house). I let 4 of ds' friends come round and gave them 2 rules: don't play in the neighbour's garden and don't get run over. I furnished them with crisps and cartons, and left them to it. The weather meant I even got to feed them in the garden.

Still finding nerf bullets 2 months later though.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

There are some children that I much prefer to have here for playdates and my DC are 'unfortunately unavailable' to go to their houses, mostly for lack of supervision or not using car seats. None of them are as bonkers as that mother though.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I’d be honest with your dd and tell her that the mum is strange and unkind and that she’s not suitable to look after her but her friend can still visit you

NO! Don't say "strange and unkind" etc - that could get back to the mother via DDs friend, and that friendship will be over - just tell her that she doesn't have to go again if she doesn't want to.

Sounds like the mother is super-competitive and gets a buzz from putting other people's children in a position where they seem to be less able than her own.

This is just nasty.

[NellChambers]

The mother sounds a little insecure not to mention batshit crazy. If you need to invite other children round to your house and put them against your child in an ad-hoc speeling* test to make yourself feel better, then maybe you need a chat with yourself (or a psychiatrist!)

*intended!

[DiDonk]

We're in France (hope this isn't too outing), and the school system here is quite pressurised. Also spelling tests are a big thing. I would love to think that she was unpleasant because dd did so well in the tests, but I suspect that her daughter was much better (which as someone said, was probably the point of the exercise).

Interesting though about best friend becoming more difficult as she gets older. Weirdly enough I rang my mum after I dropped dd off for the sleepover and said that the mum seemed over-intense about the girls' friendship. My mum said that it would all end in tears, but I didn't expect it would be this soon!

[DiDonk]

And yes to worrying that dd might pass on anything I say about crazy mum! That is exactly what was worrying me when I was trying to find the right words to make her feel better.

[OlennasWimple]

That's very odd indeed

Is it possible that DD has misunderstood being called stupid? Not sure if there's a language issue here (though doing tests on a sleepover...urgh!)

Two night sleep overs are a bit much too - stick to one night only from now on

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

I reckon there's probably some insecurity about your dd's bilingualism in this as well, given the status of English as a core subject (I'm in Germany but I'm guessing it's the same in France?) and prestige language. She'll be regarding your dd as advantaged in a very important area and probably tbqh (given the type she sounds) jealous. So I reckon there was a nasty edge here of trying to make your dd feel like the 'foreigner'.

I'd really be going down the route of polite but insistent 'why?' here.

[brizzledrizzle]

She sounds awful, in future can her DD stay at your house instead?

[MauraIsles]

The Mum sounds batshit and a pushy parent to boot! What on earth have your DD's school reports got the do with her, I think it's rude of her to think she has the right to ask that. Definitely don't send DD to sleepovers there again, I'd have her BF round at yours from now on!

[PorkFlute]

Well I’d encourage your dd not to mention what you’ve said about the mum to her friend but tbh If sooner the other mum knew I thought she was a weirdo than my child think they’re not and they were right to say they were stupid!

[BifsWif]

Let him bloody call! How dare she?!

Your child needs to see you sticking up for her on this!

[bertielab]

Let him call.

I'd ask if it is true she sprang a test on my child in their non native language -why? what purpose? why didn't she ask me first and then ask .......and when she got a question wrong what did you call her and why?

[Totallypearshaped]

What a lovely DD you have!

Well done on her being courageous enough in the face of open hostility to be able to ring you.

Well done on picking her up immediately. Your DD is lucky to have a mum like you.

Regarding bat shit mother, I’d leave it and not make the call.

Tell your dd that some parents are very wound up about academic results, and that means they’re unkind to everyone, not just their kids and their kids friends, but that you want your kids to be happy and to do their best. Thank her for ringing you and tell all your kids that you’re proud of their big sister!

Give your kids permission to tell any hosting parent they dont want to do the suggested thing, whatever it is, if it makes them feel uncomfortable, and remind them that you’re there for them and will pick them up anytime.

I’ve had this experience when a Tiger Mom systematically asked every child at pick up from a play date what marks they got in a recent test. My DD said “oh, I can’t remember” as she skipped out. I was so proud of her for lying.

Another parent I know (a doctor) went through all the play date pals’ school bags to see how every child was doing and only reinvited those who were getting As. Absolutely bat shit behavior!

Some parents are wound up so tight about academics, I just wait for their kids to go off the rails, once they escape the pressure cooker.
I’m not going to be surprised if they do. I might even laugh if the parents were particularly cruel and beastly.

[1CantPickAName]

Not a friendship I’d be encouraging. Of course it’s not the other child’s fault, but your priority it your dd. Have the other child over on Thursday and leave it at that.