Just had to collect distraught DD from sleepover

[DiDonk]

DD (who is 7) was due to be spending two nights having a sleepover with her best friend, but when I spoke to her this evening she sounded unhappy and said that she wanted to come home. So I went and got her. Best friend's mum was being a bit odd when I got there, listing all the fun things they had done and saying that dd was very tired.

When I got dd back into the car she told me that the mum had made them do spelling tests and maths questions and told her that she was stupid when she made mistakes. So as not to drip feed, although I don't think it is relevant, the spelling tests were in dd's second language - the language they use half the time at school.

But whatever the language, AIBU to think that this is an appalling way to treat a visiting child? I've had to fob the mum off before when she has asked about dd's school reports, but this is much, much worse. D is really upset and thinks she is stupid and I'm not sure whether to say something?

I've been slightly wary of this mum for a while as she seems to enter into the kids' friendships in a rather overbearing way, and I could imagine her deliberately trying to make things difficult for dd if she took against her. But ffs.

[Whipsmart]

She sounds like one of those super-competitive mums who wanted to know what level your daughter was at compared to hers...

[KnobZombie7]

I'd be crying and want to go home too if I was made to do spelling and maths tests at my friend's house. Poor DD.
Rubbish sleepover. Just tell the mum she found it really boring and wants to invite her friend over to show her how much fun a sleepover can be.

[maisie123]

I picked up my daughter from a birthday party once and she was very upset. Turned out all the 'games' were maths tests - not her favourite subject! Never went there again. It was in SE Asia.

[ourkidmolly]

I can’t get my head round a two night sleepover in Year 2! Is that standard where you are? None of mine would have been remotely ready for that.

[AglassOfWine]

Agreed ourkidmolly!

[welshmist]

I had something like this with a mother. Son was 7 went for a sleepover, he was in a state when I collected him the next day. It turned out the boys were still talking when she went to bed so she put my son in a room on his own in complete darkness he was terrified. It was three more years before he would go on a sleepover again. We did try with another friend but had to collect him at two in the morning he was so upset.

I am getting mad just thinking about it....

[Ihatemycar]

One night sleep over okish 2 nights never. It's too much. I'm so glad you got your little girl back.
I'll be very upset with the Mom.

[Coyoacan]

Well I only have a five-year-old dgd, but she has been known to misrepresent situations in the past. Personally I would ask what happened, before going in with all guns blazing.

[rosablue]

If the other mum doesn't speak English (or not much of it) and they spend half the time at school using it, maybe the mum is scared by your dd's ability to speak English (and thus spell in it) - time to work out a pithy phrase in both languages along the lines of not being so bothered by the results at the moment as your dd's bilingual which can cause issues but worth it now for being double fluent later on or some such thing as appropriate that shows your dd that you really don't care about her spelling results but that is also a dig back at the mum...

[MauraIsles]

Coyoacan

OP has asked DD what happened, and she has been told exactly what happened at the sleepover - hence DD ringing her mum, and asking to come home!

[busyhonestchildcarer]

I would suggest that she is insecure about the abilities of her own child and was trying to compare.I wouldn't confront her with this appalling though it was.Instead when you see her talk about the children at the school and the talents of all of them .Explain how amazing it is that some of the children can speak more than one language,sporty and arty children.state how wonderful that children are so individual,some academic some have more physical skills and that smart mums encourage these skills and strengths.

[ittakes2]

This is appaulling! But I don’t think there is anything to gain in confronting the mother. She sounds like a nutter and might spread rumours and make it difficult for your daughter at school. Just explain to your daughter what was wrong about it and that you didn’t think a good idea to go to her house again because of her crazy mother - but this didn’t mean your daughter could not still be friends with this girl or have her to your house.

[Hungryagain]

Sounds like my SIL, she has my DD stopping over sometimes & decides to quiz her & her DD on maths, my DD is really laid back & really can’t be arsed answering questions on a Saturday night, my SIL is super competitive I’ve put a stop to it now as she was also quizzing my DD on what as a family we had done & if had had anything new. She also told my DD off for choosing a film with 1 swear word in. My DD is 12 & her DD is 10 but very immature for her age.

[DarlingNikita]

My first reaction is anger at the mum and sympathy to you and your DD, but, and I mean this nicely, is it possible your DD misunderstood/misinterpreted, or is otherwise giving you not the full and fully accurate picture?

If I was sure I did have the full picture I wouldn't hesitate to tell the mum what I thought of her, but it'd pay to be 100% sure first.

[Giantcatbear]

Christ. I can definitely see myself wanting to gate crash a sleepover, but to play a boardgame with them, or make some rocky road or some other fun activity for the kids. What a weirdo. I would hate someone else's child to leave my house feeling "stupid".

[Lovemusic33]

I would be really angry about this. I’m guessing the parent was testing your dd to see what level she’s at (to compare with her own daughter)?

Who makes a child do spellings and maths at a sleepover? And then mocks them for not getting them right. She sounds crazy.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

I wouldn't discuss it with the mother, but certainly would not send DD there ever again. It would be a polite but flat no, no discussion.

I would explain to your daughter that her friend's mother's behaviour was odd and unacceptable, and that she will not be going there again, but her friend is still welcome in your home.

[DistanceCall]

Make it very clear to your daughter that this woman is a bad person and she just wanted to make her feel stupid so that she could feel better about herself.

Then tell this mother, in person, that it's the last time she's ever going to be in contact with your child, and to keep the fuck away from her. And that she's a fucking loon.

Christ.

[Strongmummy]

Did she really say your daughter was stupid or was it your 7 year old’s interpretation of the situation? I would calmly tell her how upset your daughter was and ask her why she thinks that was. I’m at a loss as to why this mum thought it would be a good idea to do homework on a sleepover and 2 nights is just crazy !!

[Newyearnewbrain]

My DC were in the French system for 8 years and you're absolutely right about the pressure alongside the endless spelling tests and bloody handwriting practice! I wonder if your DD's friend's mum thinks she's in some way doing your DD a 'favour'. Saying that, an educational play date sounds like the least fun ever - in any language

[WomanWise]

An 'educational playdate', this is a thing?

[jelliebelly]

Very different culturally by the sounds of it so I'd be cautious but I'd certainly be talking to the mum about why you brought her home - and agree that a sleepover (even for one night) with people you don't know well is probably not a good idea!

[Orangecake123]

Always trust your gut feeling.I would cut ties and tell her why.

[Everyoneiswingingit]

She called your DD stupid?? I would be having a word, or get your DH to if you are too emotional. Definitely would be no playdate on Thurday until she explains herself.

[Dilemmacentral]

I can’t get my head round a two night sleepover in Year 2! Is that standard where you are? None of mine would have been remotely ready for that.

Completely agree. Not even one night at that age IMO!